Any insight appreciated on how to deal with the thought that I failed by not being there until the end. More importantly, how did I not realize end was coming? With my father, hospice was called in but not until the last. Although I was there at the end, I still struggle with 'why' I didn't realize he was declining (I know - no answers). Mother was in shock and denial over losing him so I understand that part, but still would have loved to have that last talk with him. The nurse told me later that he had been asking for his children. Mother declared not yet. Mother was the next to go. I saw her a few days prior but again, no idea that she was about to leave us. I appreciate what became our last chat. Now with sister (gone) stayed with her that last night but long drive and tired so I went home. I’m now wishing I had stayed, even though I knew staff were there and taking excellent care.
Nowadays I talk to mom and dad all the time and get signs they're just fine and happy in spirit form. They don't want us wracked with guilt and misery over things we have no control over in the first place! Focus on the loving things you did for your family members while they were alive vs. what you "neglected" to do during their death journey. If you loved them and they knew it, you did enough.
Please speak to your PCP about depression if you are feeling such a thing.
My condolences on your losses.
Chronologically, you and Alva may be older, but y’all are still young at heart!
I am not too far behind you. I am 68. My husband’s birthday is this month. He will be 69. I Turin 69 in October.
I feel the same as you. I am fine with being alone at my exit from this planet, if that is what happens.
The only thing that I wish for is not to suffer and that I will die before my husband.
I think the hardest deaths to cope with are parents who have to bury their children. It’s unexpected and not in the natural order of life.
You should also allow yourself to feel the sheer relief, sad as this loss is, in knowing that you never have to fear for your loved ones again, and they have not to sustain further losses and fear and pain. It is a kind of torment to stand witness to all that. They are at peace. You have my condolences.
Grief is normal but guilt is inappropriate. You caused none of this nor could you have fixed it. You did nothing to feel responsible for, nor to make amends over. You did the best you can. You aren't god and you aren't a Saint and it is a kind of hubris to hold yourself to the standards required of such a being. You are a human being with limitations, and clearly with a good deal of LOVE.
Remember, as you grieve to celebrate what were full long lives. Remember to consider the whole of it, not just the end of it.
Give yourself time.
Be good to yourself.
When I lost my beloved brother I was helped enormously by writing him, in a journal, letter such as we exchanged throughout our lives when separated by distance from one another. I talked to him about missing him, about my "failures", about all he gave me, about everything. I decorated it with collage. I told him what was happening in the world and what I imagined he would have to say about it all. I kept the journal just under a day. When I reread it recently after four years I was amazed at how acute my pain was, how deeply I felt my shortcomings.
NOW? Now I am just grateful to have had him, grateful he was able to go of sepsis before the Lewy's he dreaded so could take all his control from him, grateful I had him, and I carry him with me through all my life. He was Hansel to my Gretel in the dark woods of our lives. I thought before he went I would not want to live without him in this world. Time passes. You heal even when you don't WISH to heal.
My best to you. I hope you will update us how you are doing. Remember, seek a support group online or in person if it will help you. Be easy with yourself. This is personal to YOU, and your way through grief is as unique to you as your own thumbprint.
One of the things you do in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is learning and accepting that you are not a god and do not have the power to do things that you feel guilt over. Acceptance of our limitations, as humans, is not a weakness: it is a strength.
I was with my mom for her last days and hours. Unfortunately no profound words were exchanged, no deathbed professions of love. I always told mom I loved her when I tucked her in at night, but the last night we were both up all night and that didn’t happen. I felt guilty when she died, and I still do. But the reality is I did the best I could and you did too.
I don’t think our loved ones would want us beating ourselves up with guilt. Just being an anonymous person on a forum I can see through your words that you loved them very much. I’m sure they knew that. There are no made for TV endings in this life. We don’t know the day or the hour. Please give yourself a break, and allow yourself to grieve.
But you did not fail them! They know you loved them. I promise.
The truth is that we never know when we see anyone if it will be our last time together. We must come to terms with unexpected loss and understand that it's not up to us when they pass away. We can't lurk around everyone we care about all day every day having meaningful conversations because it MIGHT be the last time we ever see them.
My friend William, a championship swimmer in his youth, slipped under the bathwater one day and died. His heart had stopped. No last words with him, but I cherish the last times we spent together with our spouses and remember those. Another friend Bernard was killed by a convicted felon on early release as he was walking across a parking lot. No last words with him either, but I have no guilt - why should I? Another friend Mick got Covid and died in the hospital. No guilt there either. I wasn't responsible and couldn't have changed it.
Look into why you blame yourself and you'll probably see no logical reason for it. Good luck to you, and I hope you feel better soon.
Apologies - this is a long one!
I sincerely hope that you either join a group for those dealing with loss, or see a grief counsellor, or undertake CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). Any of these would help you to process your feelings about misapplied guilt.
We all see clearly with hindsight (well, most of us do). It's painful to think how differently we would feel if we could only have known then what we know now. How different our lives would be.
Life is a journey and, if we are wise, it is a learning process. We are not complete, we are not "done", we are still becoming.
The love and care you felt for your family has helped you to become who you are and will continue to inform who you become.
Like AlvaDeer, you could write to each of your parents and your sister, telling them what they meant to you, how you have felt since they died, and who you are and want to be - everything that you would have liked to have told them if they were still able to hear you.
Or have a little remembrance ceremony for them. A friend of mine holds ceremonies in her garden, or in the woods, or at the beach at sunrise or sunset. She invited me to join her once, in her garden at sunset, and despite the domestic setting, it was peaceful, beautiful and spiritual. We remembered people who had been in our lives and helped shape them. We thanked them for being part of our journey, part of us.
Whatever you do, let go of the bad feelings you have about their deaths - it isn't doing anything for you and it must get in the way of you being able to remember them, as the memories will be tinged with your regrets and needless guilt.
The more you allow those negative feelings to affect you, the more importance you are placing on them. This creates a pattern and our brains love patterns! So, your mind will go to those negative thoughts more quickly and easily because it has become a pattern - a habit. Kick the habit!
Consciously tell yourself that you will not allow yourself to feel guilt or negativity over something that could not be helped and wasn't actually bad in reality. You need to do this deliberately, as your brain will take you along well-worn pathways, leading to feelings of guilt and you have to redirect it.
Instead, practice remembering your loved ones with thankfulness. It will take practice and you will need to do this consciously, at first, until it becomes habit. This is a good habit that you need to cultivate.
Learn to be kind to yourself.
Honestly, I feel like being there at the end, or not being there at the end, is a personal choice. There is no, ‘right way or wrong way’ to view this.
I had absolutely no desire to see my mom or dad at the very end.
Does that mean that I didn’t care? Of course not! I cared deeply about my parents. I was with them all the time.
I loved my parents with all of my heart. It would have destroyed me to see them die.
My parents wanted me to do whatever I was comfortable with.
I was the child who was closest to my parents for the entirety of my life. I certainly didn’t neglect my parents, nor did I let them down by not being there at the very end.
It was important for one of my brothers to be with mom at the end.
He was there and I am glad that he was. Another brother was with my dad when he died.
Very often, as soon as a person walks out of the room, the person will die. This happened to me. The second I left my brother’s room, the hospice nurse called me and said, “He’s gone.”
It’s normal for you to have thoughts cross your mind during this time. Don’t allow these random thoughts to make you feel inadequate in any way.
Wishing you peace as you continue to grieve your loss.
At the end, the dying are nearly always focused on themselves, not on their surroundings. You helped them to know in themselves that they were loved, as they faded away. Be glad!
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