I'm 65 years old, married 44 years, managing my dad's care for almost 8. This site has been a lifesaver for me on numerous occasions as there have been some bad times for him, but these days, he is stable in MC. But now it's about ME! My husband retired in 2019. but I continually feel like he wants me to entertain him. We do, however, have vacation property that he goes to in spring/summer/fall just 2 hours’ drive from here. Sometimes I go too but time by myself is so important, and I enjoy it so much, so I usually stay home. I continue to work, which is my choice. I am a data analyst for a large company. I've been doing this for 10 years and have earned respect of my coworkers and make a comfortable living. We have been work-from-home since Covid. I really like what I do and have no intention of quitting anytime soon, which has caused issues here, but I feel like this is MY choice and no one else's, not to mention, I can't afford to quit. I've seen what things cost as you age from being my dad's guardian and conservator. I also do 3 Zumba classes a week and my husband and I work out with a personal trainer 1 day a week. I enjoy crafting and have sewing and a Cricut. There seems to be this push for me to 'get a life'. If I hear it one more time, I will scream. I have a life I am quite happy with but no one else seems to believe or understand that. My husband doesn't want to hear about work anymore (I've been leading a project for my team the last 3-1/2 years so long hours) or Zumba anymore, nor does the rest of my family. (Just my husband and I here at home). Last year we sold dad's house which took most of a year. Family got tired of hearing about that too. So, for the most part, I pretty much clam up about what's going on in my life and then people wonder why I'm so quiet. At the urging of my husband to find something to do (i.e., I think he wants me to become passionate about something other than work or Zumba), I purchased myself a telescope for Christmas and am taking an astronomy class at the community college this term. I also signed up for Zumba instructor training in March. It's been on the 'bucket' list for a while. Not necessarily to teach, just to see what the training is about.
He says I'm too set in my ways. I'm not spontaneous enough. Sorry, I function better on a schedule. It's my accounting brain. I feel this constant push from my husband and kids to change. I don't want to change, I don't feel the need to change, and I'm perfectly happy doing what I'm doing. Am I wrong? Why can't others accept me for who I am and what I do? Isn't this MY CHOICE? I feel like after 44 years of marriage, that I should at least have some control of my life. Do other seniors go through this from their spouse and kids?
There's a line in Framley Parsonage where a mother is worried that her daughter is treating an eligible suitor too coldly - "she could no more teach Griselda to be impulsive than she could teach her to be six feet high, but could she perhaps teach her to *seem* so..?"
When DH says you're not "spontaneous enough" does he actually mean you should whoop off to the cottage with a merry laugh when in fact you have a project all lined up? Can you tell him - or anyone else who's dropping ten ton hints on your foot - that you've had a spontaneous urge to get on with what you wanted to do in the first place?
We met at work but several years ago I changed jobs. We used to talk about work non-stop but once I changed jobs he no longer wanted to hear about my work. Life is too short. Do all those things on your bucket list.
My bucket list included learning to play the tuba, and I’m a work in progress.
I LOVE playing the tuba. My husband likes me to be happy. I play the tuba.
He loves gardening, tinkering, and politics.
He has a niche I have a niche, we’re both happy.
This is a natural to me. The growing apart and doing things you enjoy while he does things he enjoys and meeting in the middle when you do things you BOTH enjoy. My partner and I share the things we share, mostly to do with dog rescue. Other than that, both retired, to be frank we need time on our own. He raised two girls and is close to their families. I sometime join and other times I don't. Same with my own girl. She lives away. I go for a month in summer. He stays home. When we had our cabin he designed and built we shared it at times and at times we did not as I, too, treasure alone time.
To me he is being critical of things not his business and how in the world it is the business of the extended family I cannot even imagine. You are free now in a way that is to be treasured. You are well enough to do things, you are doing them. Some you share, some you do not.
As far as his dissatisfactions? You could consider counseling. Or not. He may find he needs to move on if he is unhappy. As to the rest of the family, time to learn to mind their own business. Enjoy your work, your zumba, and your friends. But the truth is that if you spouse and kids can't let you enjoy your time they will be the losers. No one wants to spend time with critics.
I would make it clear that unsolicited opinions about how you happily live your life are unwelcome. You are a grown woman who is happy with the way you live your life. If others are unhappy with it sounds they have decisions to make for themselves.
I know I sound a bit hard-butted about this, but in all truth I would be infuriated. I have a supportive family and partner of 38 years. I can't imagine it another way. We are having storms today and I have been out in my slicker in the rain clearing drains that flood our city streets of leaves. I got happily soaking wet. This isn't an activity my 82 year old partner enjoys. Should I have told him that I can't be happy if he isn't out there splashing in the puddles with me????? As to my kids? They have lives of their own and couldn't care less WHAT we are doing.
Just ignore them.
I'm 65 myself. I do what I do and I am who I am. Whoever doesn't appreciate me as is, can go suck an egg. Honestly. I didn't work to get where I am in life for all these years to now be told what I'm 'not'. You know? I am a child of God and just for THAT reason alone, I am more than enough, as are you.
God bless you and help you realize your worth and your value in this world. Nobody has to 'do' or 'be' anything in particular to HAVE value, either, as our very presence is enough. What you do for your dad and your family alone is proof of all you DO give back in this world! You're definitely not wrong with your thought process.
I'm sorry your tone deaf family is making you feel badly; it's unwarranted and rotten of them to be doing so. Let them know that, too. It's not okay to push off OUR feelings on OTHERS.
I just got highly irritated at DH for not doing what I didn't expect him to do in the first place. Sigh. I'm going to go into the living room and give him a kiss on his forehead. It's okay that he is who he is........I have to make adjustments for his shortcomings, as he does for me. That's what love does. We accept one another for who we ARE, and we all need a reminder of that once in a while. Thanks for yours today.
Mom was wondering when she could retire from cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, grocery shopping, etc. What she did when Dad was acting bored she handed him the vacuum cleaner, and she had him come along when she was grocery shopping even though that chore bored him to death [bored me, too]. Eventually they signed up to do volunteer work and did that for the next 20 years.
Keep on working, Babs. I also have that "accounting brain" worked for a wonderful boss and we were hoping to work forever. We were like Perry Mason and Della Street. Sadly covid came along and my boss died at 85 and I closed up the business at 74. I am going stir crazy at home. Even my own volunteer work at a hospital was stopped after my 20 years due to covid restrictions, my age made me a risk. My hubby is working part time and he is 76, this is his third career, so I am glad that keeps him busy.
It sounds as though the pressure is not just coming from your husband, but also from your kids and perhaps other family members. Turn the tables on them. Criticise your husband (or at least question his expectations) instead of just letting yourself be criticised. Perhaps the kids can work out how to entertain their father? Perhaps he can do a bit more babysitting?
He needs to make some spontaneous decisions himself - join a bowls club, try woodworking, learn to play the tuba (I can't imagine anything much more spontaneous than that!).
One line might be that he retired 4 years ago. You are planning to retire at about that age too, and in the meantime you are still working – just like he did.
But now that being said, he too must learn to compromise and do things with you that he doesn't particularly care much for. It's how we keep the peace in our marriage, while still maintaining who we are.
Keep on living and enjoying your life.
Something in your post jumped out at me. You say your husband retired in 2019, but you didn't because you can't afford to. So my question is: was the original "plan" that you would BOTH retire around the same time? And if so, would your husband have considered postponing his retirement had he understood that he would be "retired alone", so to speak?
I only ask this because when my husband and I started to get serious, I was aware his plan was to work until he "aged out" or our job; but it was my intention to retire after my 20 years. Now, that's not exactly the way it happened, as things changed, but if your plans had been you would both retire near each other, and then you changed the script, so to speak, that might explain your husband's attitude.
Mind you, I am NOT advocating for you to give up your life and likes for your husband's sake; I'm just wondering, that after 44 years of marriage, why, suddenly (or so it seems) that your husband wants you to change your ways and who you are. That's assuming you've been like this for the entirety of your marriage, that is.
You enjoy your work so it would be silly to stop doing what you enjoy doing.
If you hated every weekday and it brought you nothing but frustration then quit!
"Get a life" !!! My gosh you do more in your week than many do in a month.
You are active, engaged, you enjoy your time alone yet you enjoy time with family! What more could they want. ??
If your husband is feeling like he wants you to spend time with him when he goes to the vacation house maybe once in a while pack your laptop and work from home in your other home. He can still do his thing and you do yours but you can enjoy your after work time together.
YOU do not HAVE to change for anyone other than yourself. If and only when YOU feel like you want to make a change do you have to do so.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Sorry, a bit sarcastic, I know, but he knew who he was marrying. Why would you suddenly change into someone that you have never been before?
Be true to yourself. Let them figure the rest out.
Wishing you the best.
It's a plea to re-integrate into their lives. They have probably been off to the side whether you realize it or not. You could try asking them about it.
No.
You are an adult. You know what you need.
Do you, as they say.
Maybe all those well intentioned questions can be directed 'back to sender'. Maybe they need to look at THEIR lives to see if they are doing what they wish to?
I'm 57. Recently had my 24 year old son tell me all the things my hubby and I should do to have a better life. Erm, we've been blissfully married for more than 30 years, have a lovely home, travel and see friends and family as much as we want to (and as little as we want to). My son has been out of grad school for 6 months, is unmarried and living on his own for the first time in his life.
You have to laugh sometimes.
My DH remembers a couple of old retired guys who used to come in and sit in the work tea room for a few hours every day, to chat about the job to workers coming in for a tea break. They were happier there than at home in the kitchen. I had a colleague whose F continued to set the alarm for 6 am, get up, read the paper and make breakfast, because that was his long term routine. Set the alarm?!!!
There are websites, classes, groups, set up about how to prepare for retirement. Perhaps DH needs to check a couple of them out. He could learn about child care – no reason for kids to pressure W, when DH is at a loose end! Then he could be ready to support OP when she finally retires.
I also remember guys who retired "early" and still hung around the workplace, mostly because I don't think they were mentally "ready" to retire. My oldest sister just retired last year, and I had previously warned her about the pitfalls of retiring because you think you should - for whatever reason - when you're not mentally ready to end working.
And your comment about DH taking on childcare is such a valid point, and one I think the OP and her DH should actively explore if they haven't already done so.
Personally, I struggle with spontenaity and flexibility also. I'm a very contented person, and my hubs like to have adventure and anticipate it. We are very different. He doesn't even like to vacation at the same place twice. I'm a very linear logical thinker (which can often bore him and drive him crazy) and like organization. But as we age we *do* tend to get set in our ways so IMHO I think that forcing ourselves to stretch and be flexible is really good for our aging brains. This helps us be less like "fearful old women". There's a lot of familial "cache" that comes with doing cool and daring stuff when you're older... my hubs and I went diving in Cozumel last month and our kids thought that was amazing (none of them dive). Little did they know there were tons of divers much older than us on that trip! It was certainly inspiring to me.
I prefer the saying, "Live and let live."
Grandpa also loved fishing, so he would take the grandkids fishing on a regular basis. He also would find broken toys that he would repair and give to the poor on Christmas. He must have fixed up hundreds of toys.
Grandma didn't like doing housework or cooking, but she managed. She was a former school teacher but back then sadly if a female teacher got married, she had to quit. She loved to read, and the town library would bring her a couple new books to read each week up until Grandma was in her 90's... the library must have used loan procedures with other libraries as the town library was too small to have all those books :)
Way back then the grocery store had home delivery like we do today. Grandma would call the town grocery store and her order would be written down on a light brown grocery bag. When ready, a young fellow would bring the grocery bags to my Grandparent's house, pulling it in a wagon.
NeedHelpWithMom, summed it up well with the Billy Joel song.
We go through changes in our entire life; our needs and wants change as we progress in life. I do believe some traits don't change from when we were children; they just take on the adult form of it. For example, we might have been quiet thinkers as children and we remained that way into our adult lives.
Things like this is who we are as individuals and people around us should embrace the way a person is and accept how they wish to do things.
People putting pressure on you to change is more for their benefit than yours, because it satisfies their ego.
A lot of people are looking for a time in their lives to be completely free of someone telling them how things should be, what they should be doing and how they should be doing things.
This is your time. Others need to embrace you for being you.