Am I a bad person for wanting my elderly parent to move out of our house?

"I feel like I’m running an assisted living facility".

Maybe you are.

"We have 3 kids to take care of.."

Grandparent may not want/or cannot raise more children.

Maybe some clear thinking on this *social contract* will help. It may or may not have been implied or discussed. In many families it is sort of assumed... but sounds like the current elder care for child care arrangement isn't working too well. That's ok.

A new arrangement that suits you all better can be next. Ideally before resentment grows.

Lola
Had your parent lived a long time in their previous home? I have heard it suggested that elders can appear to be adept at caring for themselves in their own environment but be surrounded in confusion when moved whether that’s to an adult child’s home or into an ALF etc.

It’s like muscle memory they can’t call on to function in a new space.
Plus many elders can’t function as well around the confusion of children. It can be exhausting for them.

We seem to think that being physically able to do something equates with being emotionally able.

My dh aunt, 95 and with dementia, has stopped walking. She is/was physically able but seems to not remember that.
She told me when she was about 90 that she believed she could still drive. Yes, she had the physical strength and muscle memory at that time but not the mental acuity needed.
Those silver alerts we see where a senior has driven away from home demonstrates this point. The are able to drive but don’t remember how to get home.
Your elder might feel she would be lost in new surroundings or may fear being asked to chauffeur children? The parent may not know why they don’t want to drive, they just know they are afraid to.
One very frightening thing that elders do when driving in unfamiliar surroundings is they look for the place they are trying to find as they are driving, going slower and slower and sometimes coming to a stop in the street trying to decide if this is the right turn. Yikes.

I believe the elders know on some level when they are slipping. Regardless, what might have been possible a few years ago with them helping out, may be too late now.
When my MIL first had dementia, I remember her saying things like, I will put those groceries in the pantry. Then later. I will do that tomorrow. She was too confused in my home to put groceries away.
Many people on this forum have brought their parent into their home not realizing their true mental status. Even the parent doesn’t realize their own decline until they are in the new environment and find it not so easy. They will agree to things and then when it’s time to actually perform the job, they have difficulty getting started if they even remember they volunteered.
For now, while you are regrouping on the best living arrangements, try giving the parent small tasks like you might give your children. Clearing or setting the table. Folding or sorting laundry. Snapping beans. See if you can find their comfort level,
if there are routine chores they can do, maybe make a list they can refer to.
If they are on meds, check to make sure they are taking them. That was one of DH aunts first issues. She had taken her thyroid pill first thing every morning for years. She couldn’t believe she had quit taking it until we counted the pills left over when it was time to refill. She understood the math and realized that she had truly not been taking the meds when she had all the facts in front of her. That was about 8 or 9 years ago.
Having said all that, you just may not be able to function with four dependents. No shame in that. Reset your expectations and drop the notion that the elder is being difficult on purpose. See if that helps your stress level. Then start looking for a better solution. A housekeeper might really help. Each layer of help is beneficial.
And your parent probably would be better off to move sooner rather than later if a move is in their future in order to become familiar with their surroundings while they are better able to absorb them and be more independent.

Freeloading parents? Did the parents UNDERSTAND that the invitation was contingent upon their taking on child-care and home maintenance tasks?! Since the father is fearful of driving, he may have thought that he and his wife were being offered a helping hand.
It doesn't sound as if he was expecting to chauffeur kids around (which is sort of inferred by the complaint that he is able to drive but is too fearful).

What I saw in my own family was that my siblings seemed to be in denial much of the time about my parents increasing infirmities. It wasn't intentional. But they still wanted to have holiday meals at my parents home, just to keep the "tradition". And nobody makes better gravy than my mom!
I lived closest to my parents and saw their struggles with stiffness and pain due to arthritis. I feared for their safety when driving. They both had vision problems. They both had falls (fortunately not requiring hospitalization). To plan and serve a large family meal was becoming difficult, especially with grandchildren running around, interrupting, never helping.
Brothers' wives helped some after their arrival when much of the planning and much of the work had already been done. Neither they, nor my brothers, seemed to notice the increasing frailties of my parents. I think they only thought of it as a welcome break from their own hectic life and everyday responsibilities.

My parents never did, nor would they, complain. They enjoyed seeing the family. We did finally settle on having "pot-luck" dinners on holidays at my parents home. This was only slightly less chaotic.

When my parents decided, on their own, to sell their country home and move into a senior's Independent Living apartment, the rest of the family worried that they wouldn't be happy there. In fact, mom and dad enjoyed it! My mother said that, with meals served and housekeeping help, it it was almost as good as taking a "cruise"!

I am sorry to say it but you found out too late it is not wise to take elderly people into your homes. Their values and ideas often conflict with the younger family, and physical and mental problems will develop that will have a great impact on you and your life. Once they are there it gets very tough. So if you keep them, YOU must set boundaries and rules - it is your house and they must abide by them. In some way they must pull their own weight - either helping when asked to do thing or contributing funds. However, if having them is causing problems for you and your family, you simply have no choice and chance for peace unless you move them into a facility - better sooner than later. This is YOUR time of life - live it while you can.

From your post it sounds like your "ideal plan" was to trade your company for a 3rd adult to help raise the children and clean the home. A granny-nanny.
You went from "my parent wouldn't have to be alone, and we could help out" to "this parent refuses to do anything to help out" and "we have 3 kids to take care of and their grandparent refuses to lift a finger".
There was a point in your life when you were provided "all the groceries and everything else" etc., perhaps......from this parent?
There's everything right with specifically, verbally asking for help every time you need it and being specific in the instruction. Then praise generously when goals are met. After all your parents idea of this gig was to "have company and be helped out".
With aging, fear of driving is not uncommon no matter how many accidents didn't happen.
You can make this work if you tweak some stuff. Make some changes, then make other changes. Keep the stuff that works change what doesn't. And then do it all over again.
Relax. Take a deep breath. You can make this work if you change some stuff.

Curious, what age is your elderly parent? And what is his/her mobility status and health? Is she an "elderly" 65, or an "elderly" 95? What ages are your kids? Are they little.... are they teenagers, or somewhere in between?

"We moved my elderly parent in with us.... wouldn't have to be alone, and we could help out." Your wording shows you have gone from YOU could help out, to now wanting PARENT to help out. Did you make that clear before the move? Did the parent easily agree to this, or "pushed" into doing this? Did you discuss what you wanted to happen after moving in?

I am an "elderly 67 y.o.", elderly according to my kids in their 30's and 40's. Mom, 96, and I and a 39 y.o. daughter live together in my home. I'll tell you what my mom and I do have in common, despite a 30 yr. age difference; we like peace and quiet and not a lot of drama. We each raised our children and enjoy not having to do a lot. Maybe your parent feels the same. What kind of life was your parent living before moving in with you? Perhaps, he/she would be happier in a home by his/herself. Have you talked with your parent about this?

If you really want everyone's best advice on here, please provide more information. Right now, there is so little, it seems like everyone is taking sides.... yours vs. elderly parent, and that is not helpful.

No, your not a bad person. I went through something similar with my mother n law. My husband and I had to take her in because she could no longer take care of herself. For an entire year she made our lives so very stressful. We then decided it was my brother n laws turn to care for her because we could no longer do it anymore, My mother n law is very mean and ungrateful and none of her 6 kids besides my husband wants nothing to do with her. After my brother n law took her in reluctantly, she lasted about 6 months with him now she’s back with us. It’s been hard and many of times I have wanted her gone. Her health is declining and I’m having to do more to care for her while my husbands at work. But, when he’s off he takes over. It’s not easy taking care f an elderly parent, but taking care of an elderly parent who is very mean and has ran everyone out her life because of her evil ways is even harder. If your parents are capable of helping and refuse to, maybe the best thing for everyone is for them to get their own place. Peace&Blessings…

Excuse me, but I've never read such a negative/shaming sort of thread here; and it seems some replies have not read the OP's posting carefully. She did not move both parents in, just one, her mother apparently. And apparently the parent's partner is no longer in the picture, either deceased or divorced, etc., so she is single. This arrangement was Tried but has been found to not be working, so a New Plan must me enacted sooner than later. I completely agree that a full workup needs to be done so this parent gets the precise care appropriate at this stage, with an idea for what's ahead. OP may have had an unrealistic idea of what the parent was capable of as a housemate but now there is more lived experience and a change is needed. No harm, no foul, unless the situation is left to fester. The sooner the better parent is properly evaluated, and concrete sensible plans laid, the better for all concerned.

Elderly parent needs more care than you are willing and able to give. It seems like you were looking for parent to help you with house & children…& elderly parent not capable of doing that…parent needs help.

Find parent a nice assisted living facility..not independent living. I don’t think he or she is ready for nursing home or memory care? Does elderly parent having trouble walking or remembering? Any incontinence? Falling a lot? Start touring places & getting pricing. Hugs 🤗

You're by no means a bad person. A caretaker can only do so much before your health starts getting affected. It doesn't take long for caregiver
burnout to set in. Get your parent into a facility, and don't feel guilty about what's in the best interest of the both of you, (speaking from experience).

I went through this last year for 3 months, my mother was living with us in the core of Covid and she expected everything to be catered to her. I would tell her to wash her hands after the doctors office and she would make comments about how there’s so many rules. Everything was either criticized or she would just sit there with headphones watching foreign soap operas. I made strict rules on how the money would be handled if she continued living in our house. She left my house a few days later, now my sister can be the caregiver. Your house, your rules, it’s not fair to your family.

you have children and that comes first. Don't sacrifice your time and energy
at the expense of them.
if they won't help then they are taking advantage of you sadly.
Set out a discussion of your burdens when they do not help you yet require your help. Give them a month to improve-keep a chart to check off when they help and when you do for them. If you have more checks for helping them then they do helping you, then the deal is they move. Begin now to look at places and have that option ready.
Seriously move some of their things into the garage so they see you are serious, and the ball is in their court to help you.