Twenty five years ago, when I was single, my brother and his wife asked me if I agreed that mom and dad could live equal time in our homes when they could no longer live alone. I agreed but even at that time I wondered what a future husband might think of that arrangement.
I have been married now for nine years and my 91 year old mother cannot live alone any more. My father is deceased. My husband is totally against this arrangement. It has caused a lot of trouble within our family and within my marriage. My brother told us that even though my husband was not there at the time, an agreement was made none the less. My husband has done many things over the years to be a wonderful member of the family for both my parents and my brother's family but he now feels betrayed by them. There is much friction between us all. My brother lives in a different state many miles away.
My mother has mild dementia. She is still pleasant but her memory is very bad.
My husband cared for a relative with dementia for 10 years and he doesn't want to do it anymore. His health is being affected and he is very depressed about mom coming to live with us again. We finally agreed to it and we have had her with us twice for six months at a time. He said he just can't do it again.
My mother has money for assisted living but I know she would rather live with her family. My brother is in charge of her money and he has already divided it up between us with the understanding that we will return it as she needs it. We never discussed health issues when we first made this agreement.
We are looking into adult day care but that would only be two days a week for 5 hours a day.
I told my brother and husband that I feel torn about what to do. They both feel betrayed about my feeling torn. I love my husband very much and I don't want to ruin my marriage. I also care about my mother. Does anyone have any ideas, opinions or suggestions about what to do is this situation?
I cannot spend another day with her mother whom, to be candid, I now despise. I have no idea how a loving and caring person like Deb came from such narcissistic white trash. As far as the travel arrangements, Deb is more concerned about her brother having to make the three hour trip to Chicago than about how I feel. I do not blame Deb and I will always love her…these people had her for 50 years and she’s been trained very well. Perhaps Deb should have married someone like her brother who wanted a ring thru his nose.
I thank you all again for being kind enough to offer advice. It really means a lot.
Pardon my opinion, but any color "trash" describes, not the people who made the money and saved it, but the ones who grab it and walk away, leaving their parents to Medicaid.
Both of you, God willing there will be many years ahead of you. Please look ahead to that future and get through this horrible time together as well as you can. It doesn't have to be fun or elegant or organised, just get through it. And don't use words you can't take back. And don't listen to words you won't be able to forget.
I agree wholeheartedly and we are very willing to return all monies. We suggested that all parties return all funds but the idea was rejected. We could easily return all of it and not feel a pinch…we made the money and saved it…BIL, not so much. After all, we never asked for it, had nothing to do with the transfer and were informed of the decision after the fact. You’re also correct in your definition of trash…that would certainly apply to those who grab it and walk away leaving their parents to Medicaid. My BIL is the one who transferred the money, not us. It was he that was in the office of the financial advisor on the day my father in law died. Where was I? At the hospice center with my dying father in law. However, no one is leaving her to Medicaid. She has LTC insurance and decent monthly income. After the money was transferred we agreed that we would incrementally return it as she needed it for her living expenses– Deb and I will of course keep our promise.
Medicaid has a 5-year “look-back” period and there is nothing illegal about transferring money to avoid that look-back period. However, the people to whom the money is transferred must be honorable and willing (as we are) to make good on their promise to return funds as needed. If my MIL would go into assisted living, between her income, LTC insurance and return of her money as needed, we could easily pay the freight. BIL wants to keep that money and that’s it in a nutshell.
As far as using words that cannot be retracted, I agree. Use of the term “white trash” should never be used lightly and the user should be able to provide evidence to support to use of such a derogatory term. This is a severe situation and I can easily support my use of that term in a court of law if necessary.
BIL did everything possible to hurt his sister. He told her that her father said awful things about her. He hurt her by criticizing the way we were married very quickly and could not invite guests other than parents. He did so despite knowing that we needed to be married for nine months before Deb could keep my pension if I died. He did so knowing that I had heart issues and waited out the nine months (against medical advice) before undergoing a risky medical procedure to ensure Debbie would have my pension. That’s what men do for the wife they love and I make no apologies for seeing to her financial security.
He lied and poisoned his children against Debbie. Her only niece and nephew will have nothing to do with her. Please note that I never said that BIL was the sharpest knife in the drawer. Turning his children against Debbie cost them (if Debbie and I would die today) nearly 1M each. (I wrote to each of them and implored them to continue their relationship with Debbie. Through their father, they refused to accept any money from her and would not even accept her check for their birthdays). When his daughter was struck by a car while a pedestrian, driver 100% at fault, he decided to represent her as he know he could do just a well as a lawyer. That went well…of course, after subrogation his daughter OWED 4K to the insurance carrier – had a lawyer been involved she could have easily walked away with 100K.
You are clearly at the end of your rope. You seem to provide more than adequate answers as to the leech of a son who did very bad things.
I still am there with you about the caring of an ailing parent, in-law or otherwise. I came into this situation with all the compassion in the world. That was melted away over years and years of more intensive obligations that I did not sign up for and now waiting hand and foot on someone who can walk, talk, drive, read the NYT daily, everything. We do it just "cause". And now comes more care, more needs, it mounts and mounts and we have small children and I find the priority is to make his dad happy as opposed to provide us with even the most basic separate residence and begin the painful process of handing this over to professionals. I can't do it anymore. I hate my life. I have kids! I want a life centered around them!
The “white trash” remark is indeed hurtful but it’s both accurate and justified. As far as airing dirty laundry, so what? My in-laws have done everything possible to hurt my wife and I would like the world to know that. I would like nothing better than to take this to the courts and let it all hang out. Debbie is a peacemaker but I’m a fighter…hurt my wife, expect me to retaliate.
I’m sorry about your situation as it sounds untenable. Alcohol is not the way to cope with your situation – not being judgmental, it’s just that I tried that route when much younger and it only exacerbates the situation. Perhaps if you explain your situation someone here can offer meaningful advice. Lots of really great people on this site.
I do have a problem, though. Two, actually.
One, your lovely wife. She is a peacemaker; or at least she seems to me to want peace of mind. Your fighting with her family, while I understand your fury with her brother and the impact it's had on his children (prat, you see?), will not win her that.
Two, your MIL. I'm sorry that the way this whole story has unfolded has led her to degrade herself in your eyes. I'm not much given to "making allowances" (another mother-ism) for the sake of it; but on the other hand this lady is old, she is dependant, and she doesn't know which way to turn - hence, she played dirty. 'Tisn't likely to be her finest moral hour, is it? Could you find a way to shelve her ingratitude and her skewed opinions until you come to a less emotionally fraught time, and process them then? Again, I'm actually thinking of your wife: she needs her mother to be taken care of; and to achieve her part in that without getting sucked back in by her family she needs still more of your generous support. As opposed to retaliation, that is.
Would your MIL's funds allow for her to live in long-term care permanently near you and your wife, hypothetically? I realise that this would mean detaching her from, by the sound of it, the Golden Child (aka Twat, for our purposes) and would therefore be far from straightforward. But if, again hypothetically, you and your wife were able to take full control of her mother's welfare, it strikes me, it could smooth your wife's path considerably. As you have graciously (it is gracious, I'm not being ironic) agreed to the next 6-month tour of duty, would that present an opportunity to get to work on taking this vulnerable elder out of her feckless son's grasp?
That point about early training, combined with your suspicions of narcissistic personalities at work. Beware trying to 'rescue' your wife. The apple doesn't fall from from the tree, and borderline personalities come in many shapes and flavours (some very sweet, mind you; they're not all poison, though they are all… a handful). Are you familiar with the theories around BPD? - it came as news to me, I admit, but learning more about it has helped me make sense of a good many mysteries.
I've got a beloved SIL who's on the point of taking early retirement so that she can spend more time with her mother, Gawd help us. I sympathise with the horror of seeing the ties that bind beginning to cut in. If her excellent husband can't stop this happening then no one could, but I'm not prepared to place any bets at the moment. She certainly doesn't want to hear what I have to say about it. It's extremely depressing.
When her worshipfullness, mommy dearest, aka wicked witch of the west attacked our boys like she did my wife and her identical twin sister when they were young, my wife did not have me there to hide behind, as she said her therapist put it, and hit the tipping point of being proactive.
She came home early, asked her therapist if she could see her real soon. Instead of waiting for a letter from her mom like in the past, she wrote a letter in which she described what went wrong and why that was wrong and set boundaries with consequences toward her mother! That was a huge change for her given how much fear she had lived in concerning her mother's will.
Often children of a borderline mother catch emotional fleas from their borderline or narcissistic parent which can make others and even themselves think they have a personality disorder as well. Some do, but I think there are more who just need some intense therapy to remove the emotional fleas.
Those with a borderline spouse can catch these emotional fleas as well. Thus, they need therapy as well not because they are week, but in order to survive!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some children of a borderline or narcissistic parent do develop such a personality disorder as well. That's when the apple does not fall far from the tree. In such a plight, it is important to change gears from survival to self-protection because a borderline wife in particular who refuses the good treatments available today will becomes what the song says "a man eater, she will chew you up and spit you out" if you don't protect yourself in various ways which includes boundaries and consequences for her for your own protection.
I've yet to hear anyone ask why went don't hear about borderline dad's like we do with narcissism. I think the reason is that most borderline men are in prison.
One think one needs to keep in mind in relating with a female borderline is their ability to wear the most pleasing mask at first which they perceive you want them to be. They can be quite emotionally seductive and hoover you in to their world of drama which in turn has you trapped. Their sense of invalidation and fear of abandonment leads them to live a "I hate you, but don't leave me" type life. They start emotional tornadoes that in turn they step inside of to act as its victim when they created the damn thing.
Unfortunately to often family peacemakers get crucified and family members who seek to fix someone or rescue someone get severely hurt and some times drown themselves while trying to rescue the drowning family member.
Also, some peacemakers in a family often play a role they have been groomed for since childhood. It often involves some type of emotional enmeshment with the problem person, normally a parent.
If you read this, I wish you the very best.
This will provide both a diagnosis of what it is and a prognosis of how to overcome it.
People with personality disorders are masters of emotional blackmail. They groom their children as much as any other adult child abuser grooms their victims. The only difference is that emotional blackmail is a form of emotional child abuse and other abusers commit physical abuse.