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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I feel guilty as heck but I didnt envision my retirement this way. I just want to stop having to be responsible for an elderly parent. I often times think i will die before she does. Will this ever end?
Your sister said that your mum is as much your responsibility as she is hers. Fine. Yet, being responsible doesn't mean sacrificing your life for hers. That's not responsibility: that's martyrdom.
Furthermore, your sister isn't acting responsibly. If she were, she wouldn't be jeopardising her own health, or compromising yours, by giving all her strength and wellbeing to your mum, and expecting you to do the same.
Taking responsibility would be placing your mum into a suitable facility and ensuring that she gets the care she needs. It would be accepting that quality of life comes first, over and above quantity.
Stop accepting your sister's version of what responsibility, love and care look like. Stand up for yourself, for your mum and, indeed, for your sister. This isn't a healthy situation.
It’s a harsh reality but true. Expense sometimes limits what resources are available. I’m taking care of my mother 87yr. She had a stroke 1 1/2 years ago and has been with us (my husband and I) since. It is the hardest thing I’ve done. I raised two children and that was a lot of work but with a lot of happy times and joy. It’s so very different now. I know self care is monumental but easier said than done. I empathize with everyone in our position.
I beg to differ. I was a caregiver to my ex-husband the last year of his life. It was hard physically and mentally caring for him. It was heart-breaking to see pain and disease ravage my once beautiful, golden-haired Adonis to an emaciated skeleton. When he couldn't suffer anymore, Death took him for his own.
Being a caregiver to my miserable, abusive mother was a thousand times worse than even this was. Even now, she's really not all that bad off. She needs some help and her actual care needs would be easy if she wasn't such a miserable, negative, abusive person.
Valentine15: I feel for you. I've only had my mother for 5 years and I am going bonkers. As far as your parent outliving you is one I think about a lot. You want a life; I want a life. I don't want my mother to die, but it would surely take away her pain and let me live again. I just had a birthday, so I'm now 71. Then I read in the paper that we lost another classmate. Life is passing me by. I don't have any suggestions for you, just that I commiserate with you and have a great deal of empathy for those in our situations.
Put her in a nursing home, memory care, or AL. At your age (71) how many good years do you think you have left?
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Valentine who's had the yoke of care-slavery around her neck for the last 25 years with her mother.
Take the metaphorical 'gold watch' and retire from caregiving. Five years is long enough. Take back your life. You deserve caregiver retirement. It comes with a pension too. Your pension is time. Time to enjoy your life. Time to go places and have fun socializing. Time to do fun active senior things like go on cruises and play bridge.
There are people whose job it is to take care of your mother. They are who staffs care facilities or they staff a person's home. I was one of these people for 25 years and not I'm the boss of people like this.
I did caregiving for my mother and it was the most miserable time of my life. More miserable even then post-divorce when I was living cross country, barely making the rent, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. I was more miserable being chained to care slavery for my mother.
I'm in an office now usually six days a week for the business. It's hard and long hours, but I'm happy. You deserve to be happy too.
Reading this and the responses has been the most disturbing part of my day. I really hope everyone on here gets a chance to be in their parent's shoes one day. What is the world coming to?
I am burnt out too. My mom is different than the mom I remember. She barks out orders, is demanding, cries and swears when she is angry. It is hard not to feel like your life is passing you by as you care for your elderly parent.
Yes, your life IS passing you by. This demanding person is NOT the 'mom you remember'. Find a different type of care that doesn't involve you being sworn at.
My Mom is gone now, but while caregiving I was friends with two others caring for their Mom's. Both were in their early 60's and their Mom's were in their 90's. Both of them passed away recently.
The male friend died unexpectedly while still caregiving. His Mom is now in a Nursing Home. The female friend died 49 days after her 93 old Mom died. Both caregivers left families behind and children/grandchildren who need them.
Both caregivers did 24/7 caregiving with no outside assistance.
It's unfair to lose your life over this. I didn't think I would make it. But, somehow I got through it. At great cost both mentally and physically. And, no I would not do it again. That is what Nursing Homes are for.
I suggest your Mom goes to a nice Nursing Home or Assisted Living if she can afford it - and you start to enjoy your life again. 25 years is way too much. If that's not an option for you, then use her money to pay for visiting caregivers to assist you. Time off should not be a luxury. You matter, too!
Absolutely. And if you get push back, get Oh it's OK for YOU to go on holidays.. when you want.. etc that's when you have the Hard Chat (again) that Sister is choosing what she does. That SHE is in charge of HER life. If she has put her Mother in charge of her life - that is also her choice.
I can relate! I'll be 60 in October, and I feel like I've given up my golden years to live with elderly parents. It's upsetting when I think of how much travel and excitement my parents got to experience. They want to age in their homes, but I wish they would consider the toll it takes and the sacrifices of their child. There's so much guilt involved on my part. We need to learn to advocate for ourselves. I went from 24/7 with no respite care for years, ended up having an actual breakdown, spending two weeks in the hospital and relapsing after years of sobriety. Now I take off 3 days and three nights per week. However, I can never go anywhere because my husband and I need to be available for the phone call that she has fallen and needs help. We live about 5 minutes away. At some point we need to ask ourselves "at what price?" I often wonder what goes through her mind. Does she ever feel bad that I don't live with my husband full time, that I can't take vacations or travel like she did, that my friendships have suffered terribly? I'm not honest about how I feel because I don't want her to feel bad. It's always operation "keep mom in good spirits." She hates when I leave her, and I have to explain that I have a marriage to maintain. Her blood work is as good as mine almost. And this poor woman is so ready to go. All she has in life is family company and her iPad. She's nearly blind and has very limited mobility. I wish I had an answer for you, but I just thought I would commiserate. 😅 I feel like this is not sustainable in our society, and our government does very little to help. A big downside is not having wages paid into our social security. Then what? When I committed to this, I have no idea how long it would last or what toll it would take. I don't have children, but if I did I would never ask this of a child. I won't even mention how much money she's burning through. Private caregivers are expensive! But it's her money. She's 92, my stepdad has passed, and I see absolutely no end in sight. I love her so much, I just can't bring myself to put her in a facility. Trying to find responsible and caring caregivers is SO DIFFICULT in my area. At this moment I'm typing up a new care giving task list. I'm convinced that the new caregiver is suffering from memory loss. But she's nice, so I really want to work with her to improve. I know I'm picky, but I find myself accepting substandard work. I'm at the point where I only correct the most important items that relate to her health and welfare. I'm tired of being a maid and picking up after their messes. And I'm scared if I am anything but "extremely nice," my mom will pay the consequences. Anyway, good luck to you. I think there are many of us suffering through this. Maybe it's a generational thing. We have to be careful who we put in political office. Hopefully some of this shortfall can be addressed in the future. I have visited live-in facilities in my area of Louisiana. I've left in tears. Perhaps if you're a multi-multi-millionaire, nice facilities are available. Take care. God bless. Hang in there.
Check with the Department of Aging and see if there are respite services that are available. My aunt was widowed and retired and she was a caregiver to her mother with advanced dementia. She would put her mother in respite for a couple of weeks to get some rest. Her mother passed and my Aunt T developed emphysema from years of smoking. So, she did not enjoy her life after my uncle died. She passed in 1994. My uncle died in 1980.
Relatives are famous for setting standards on others for taking care of elderly. This may work for a while, but it will come a time when it is time for placement. This is best for the both of you. Please try to get some enjoyment out of life.
There is no way I could do what you're doing for 25 yrs. I'm struggling going on 10 yrs. I had to set some boundaries and let some things go and a lot of times hope for the best. Please give yourself a rest, and truly take care of yourself.
Year 6 of my 91yr old moms needs..I gave up my retirement dreams..she was having a fun life at 73. I have chosen to help her, visit her etc. Somedays I also feel it may never end..My moms physically strong but mentally gone..I will be 83 when she is 100. We think she may live to 100! She has no serious diseases. I might add just because they are in a memory care does not mean your life is all your own…You need to manage the managed care!! P.S. sometimes there is only one family member well enough to take of the moms needs! Good Luck..
Valentine15 5 min ago You're right. She is having health issues. I just got a new phone. I haven't been able to post anything for months bc I apparently had a virus in my phone and every time I would try to post my phone went haywire. But as I said, she fell and broke her wrist and she's also having digestive issues, etc. It's prob stress related but her main concern is still our mom. I do believe she is in the martyr category at this point. So now it's a bit of a three ring circus with me doing overnight for our mom, outside caregivers during the day and possibly even my husband filling in if need be. I'm just holding on knowing this can't go on forever. Sooner or later something is gonna give. And I refuse to let it be my health.
Well, I’m not really sure how you can refuse to let this affect your health because if that is going to happen, it’s going to happen whether you like it or not.
My friend is overseeing the care of her aunt and uncle because her cousin (their only child) dropped dead years ago from the stress of having to take care of both of her parents.
and BTW, it can go on “forever”… Golda’s mom lived to 109 years old.
You can't bring yourself to put her in a facility where she'd have 24/7 care, a nurse onsite at all times, three attractive meals a day served in a lovely dining room where she'll sit with her new friends, where she will go on planned outings in the minivan (like to get ice cream), where many people will greet her by name every day, where live entertainment is provided as well as onsite church services, where she will go to the activity center for crafts and for physical exercise, bingo, and all sorts of wonderful things for her level of abilities and condition. And where her helpers are all professionals who are devoted to her care.
You want to keep her at home where maybe you sit together and watch the same old boring TV shows from 1963, and no activity happens unless planned by you, but you are too tired to do it (which goes with the territory; I know because I've been there).
Your retirement could be a lot better if you'd let it. Stop depriving mom of a place that would be better for her and also you! Go visit some assisted living places. Today's ALs are NOT your granny's nursing home.
Aassisted living wouldn't be enough assistance for her. She's beyond that point. But she's not in need of skilled nursing either. Shes had dementia for several years. Mom wanted her and my dad to go into assisted living several years ago but my sister told her "If you go into one of those places that means you don't care about me not having a life bc I will have to be there 24/7 to make sure nothing happens to you." So they didn't go. Are you beginning to get the picture?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Fine. Yet, being responsible doesn't mean sacrificing your life for hers. That's not responsibility: that's martyrdom.
Furthermore, your sister isn't acting responsibly. If she were, she wouldn't be jeopardising her own health, or compromising yours, by giving all her strength and wellbeing to your mum, and expecting you to do the same.
Taking responsibility would be placing your mum into a suitable facility and ensuring that she gets the care she needs. It would be accepting that quality of life comes first, over and above quantity.
Stop accepting your sister's version of what responsibility, love and care look like. Stand up for yourself, for your mum and, indeed, for your sister. This isn't a healthy situation.
I beg to differ. I was a caregiver to my ex-husband the last year of his life. It was hard physically and mentally caring for him. It was heart-breaking to see pain and disease ravage my once beautiful, golden-haired Adonis to an emaciated skeleton. When he couldn't suffer anymore, Death took him for his own.
Being a caregiver to my miserable, abusive mother was a thousand times worse than even this was. Even now, she's really not all that bad off. She needs some help and her actual care needs would be easy if she wasn't such a miserable, negative, abusive person.
Put her in a nursing home, memory care, or AL. At your age (71) how many good years do you think you have left?
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Valentine who's had the yoke of care-slavery around her neck for the last 25 years with her mother.
Take the metaphorical 'gold watch' and retire from caregiving. Five years is long enough. Take back your life. You deserve caregiver retirement. It comes with a pension too. Your pension is time. Time to enjoy your life. Time to go places and have fun socializing. Time to do fun active senior things like go on cruises and play bridge.
There are people whose job it is to take care of your mother. They are who staffs care facilities or they staff a person's home. I was one of these people for 25 years and not I'm the boss of people like this.
I did caregiving for my mother and it was the most miserable time of my life. More miserable even then post-divorce when I was living cross country, barely making the rent, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. I was more miserable being chained to care slavery for my mother.
I'm in an office now usually six days a week for the business. It's hard and long hours, but I'm happy. You deserve to be happy too.
Tell us how it's going and how you feel about it.
The male friend died unexpectedly while still caregiving. His Mom is now in a Nursing Home. The female friend died 49 days after her 93 old Mom died. Both caregivers left families behind and children/grandchildren who need them.
Both caregivers did 24/7 caregiving with no outside assistance.
It's unfair to lose your life over this. I didn't think I would make it. But, somehow I got through it. At great cost both mentally and physically. And, no I would not do it again. That is what Nursing Homes are for.
I suggest your Mom goes to a nice Nursing Home or Assisted Living if she can afford it - and you start to enjoy your life again. 25 years is way too much. If that's not an option for you, then use her money to pay for visiting caregivers to assist you. Time off should not be a luxury. You matter, too!
And if you get push back, get Oh it's OK for YOU to go on holidays.. when you want.. etc that's when you have the Hard Chat (again) that Sister is choosing what she does. That SHE is in charge of HER life. If she has put her Mother in charge of her life - that is also her choice.
I wish I had an answer for you, but I just thought I would commiserate. 😅 I feel like this is not sustainable in our society, and our government does very little to help. A big downside is not having wages paid into our social security. Then what? When I committed to this, I have no idea how long it would last or what toll it would take. I don't have children, but if I did I would never ask this of a child. I won't even mention how much money she's burning through. Private caregivers are expensive! But it's her money. She's 92, my stepdad has passed, and I see absolutely no end in sight. I love her so much, I just can't bring myself to put her in a facility. Trying to find responsible and caring caregivers is SO DIFFICULT in my area. At this moment I'm typing up a new care giving task list. I'm convinced that the new caregiver is suffering from memory loss. But she's nice, so I really want to work with her to improve. I know I'm picky, but I find myself accepting substandard work. I'm at the point where I only correct the most important items that relate to her health and welfare. I'm tired of being a maid and picking up after their messes. And I'm scared if I am anything but "extremely nice," my mom will pay the consequences. Anyway, good luck to you. I think there are many of us suffering through this. Maybe it's a generational thing. We have to be careful who we put in political office. Hopefully some of this shortfall can be addressed in the future. I have visited live-in facilities in my area of Louisiana. I've left in tears. Perhaps if you're a multi-multi-millionaire, nice facilities are available. Take care. God bless. Hang in there.
Relatives are famous for setting standards on others for taking care of elderly. This may work for a while, but it will come a time when it is time for placement. This is best for the both of you. Please try to get some enjoyment out of life.
Please give yourself a rest, and truly take care of yourself.
Valentine15
5 min ago
You're right. She is having health issues. I just got a new phone. I haven't been able to post anything for months bc I apparently had a virus in my phone and every time I would try to post my phone went haywire. But as I said, she fell and broke her wrist and she's also having digestive issues, etc. It's prob stress related but her main concern is still our mom. I do believe she is in the martyr category at this point. So now it's a bit of a three ring circus with me doing overnight for our mom, outside caregivers during the day and possibly even my husband filling in if need be. I'm just holding on knowing this can't go on forever. Sooner or later something is gonna give. And I refuse to let it be my health.
My friend is overseeing the care of her aunt and uncle because her cousin (their only child) dropped dead years ago from the stress of having to take care of both of her parents.
and BTW, it can go on “forever”… Golda’s mom lived to 109 years old.
You want to keep her at home where maybe you sit together and watch the same old boring TV shows from 1963, and no activity happens unless planned by you, but you are too tired to do it (which goes with the territory; I know because I've been there).
Your retirement could be a lot better if you'd let it. Stop depriving mom of a place that would be better for her and also you! Go visit some assisted living places. Today's ALs are NOT your granny's nursing home.