I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. Does anyone else experience this?

Bella, I feel your pain, I hope it doesn't come to you being the caregiver 24/7. All good ideas and thank you. I am taking them and trying them. I did reach out to alanon and working on me with that. I am taking care of myself now. As far as SIL, I have written him off. He lives here but that is about it. I give him chores but not expecting much. So far he is supposedly keeping dry from what I am told, I am keeping my eyes open looking for issues. Daughter checked out until he comes around and we are helping her look for a place and to buy a place on her own. If he goes it will be short time for her here until she gets her place. She is bound and determined to get her own place so that is good. I am tired and angry. As far as dad, I don't even care anymore. He give comments without checking. Gets infuriating. He mentions to others he is going back home to visit for a while, Not sure what that means. He got tax money back and is burning though it like a sailor on leave.
Hit with snow this week so he is not going anywhere. He drives back home so he can be treated like a king returning home (like life here is so bad).
Keeps mentioning food we don't eat that he wants, "go ahead make what you want". I cook every night, I cook enough for everyone, if you don't like it so be it. My shopping, my cooking.... I cook what my wife and I like and I make family favs all the time like last night for our daughter, Friday corned beef for the Irish side. I really don't think I am a bad guy but after a day of plowing multiple driveways and dealing with all my own snow and being sick on top of it and my busy month for work I get grouchy, then I am told I am "grumpy".... Yeah, I just want to be sick on my own couch and be left alone for a while.
We have a plan in place for when the SIL falls off the wagon, it will be out the door and call his parents to come get him. Not going to deal with another day of this. If he keeps himself clean fine but he is not going to change. She knows it and so do we. I am prepared to deal with it the day it happens. My daughter and wife are number 1 now.
As far as me I am handling it pretty well. Thought Id be all stressed out. Now that we have a plan and daughter is talking with us I feel better.
As for dad there is no choice I am the caregiver, no one else in the family cares so its left up to me. I dearly love my dad and the thought of him living on his own would tear me up with guilt. Just because I love him doesn't mean I have to like it. It is what I have to do.So if I can get through this and survive......... And for him to live with the sibling nurse? That is not going to happen. no way no how. She wont have it nor will her husband for sure. That is apparent since hmmmm the beginning with him, another story for another time.

Bella, he can live in the cabin. But YOU don't have to take care of him.

I hear lots of people here saying that they will never be the same which is probably true but I am determined to become the me that I used to be and not harbor bitterness because if I do my children won't want to visit me someday . My outlook on life has definitely changed and that's all I think about now is how close I am to becoming sick maybe and old, my husband and I are getting all our ducks in a row This morning I wrote down on a piece of paper how I feel about this for my children so they will be OK when the time comes when their parents need to go to a different home of some sort My daughter says no you can live with me and I will take care of you but I will not let that happen, I know the heart ache with my mom chose to move to assisted living, that was her choice and I try to argue with her but now looking back I see it was her decision she made for me out of love

Hey Barb, thanks for the reply The thing is when I take him to his doctor dad can perform really well, my husband says get him to a different doctor My dad has always been very independent and stubborn and made terrible choices his whole life, and he told his friend recently that he's going to walk out of there and come back here and live in a tent. You definitely need somebody bigger than me to step in and tell him "NO" and I also know I need to grow up and stand up to him

" No dad. We built you a place to replace the trailer, but the doctors say you need to have someone supervising you 24/7. It's not safe otherwise. You have a home here and we can visit, play cards and bring you treats. But I can't care for you 24/7. I'm too old to do that".

my Mother lived with me and my family for 3 years after dad died. I turned into the angriest person. First time in my life I felt completely hopeless. My mother has been in her own place for almost a year now
( She had to go....this was no way for us to live ) but I'm still not the same person I was before. I don't think I will ever be the same. They say time heals all wounds......I'm thinking it doesn't......

Oh man this is so stressful just reading what TG is going thru everyday.... my dad wants to leave the assisted-living he's been in for six months recuperating from a stroke, and return to his little cabin a hop jump and skip away from my house. He will need constantly checked on, meals prepared,cleaning his poop up he gets on things, he's legally blind, diabetic etc etc etc!!!!! He thinks he can get along with the Help At Home that he used to have, but I know he needs more help !!!!

I'm 54, parents divorced 42 yrs ago. They both are currently at the same assisted living home cuz they both had strokes within 5 months of each other. My mom told me her wishes and made plans to live at ALiving home on her own before major health problems arose. Dad, on the other hand, before the stroke, was living in stench...infestation of bedbugs, mice crap/pee on everything, uncontrolled diabetes, and declared legally blind from diabetic retinopathy. I have tried for years to help him in his home and was always rejected He and I have a long history of a dysfunctional relationship even though we tell each other we love each other it's just surface stuff He did have Help At Home come to days a week but he would only allow the girl to clean in the kitchen and living room of his trailer, she was not allowed to go into his bedroom or bathroom. We are guessing the bedbugs came from a hospital bed he bought at auction but we will never know how that infestation started. Since he's legally blind he could not see how bad the situation was but did call the bug man to come spray the bug man called me to tell me what was going on Dad is on a fixed income so we paid for six months of spring which the situation continue to get worse Super long story, after the six months time of spring he had a stroke, ended up in the hospital and went on respite care at the assisted living in hopes that he would end up staying there. My husband had to destroy his trailer and he has rebuilt him a small little cabin to live in. My husband tells me I told your dad I had to destroy his home and I promised him I would rebuild him something so I'm kept my word, with us both knowing that he should not return home and live alone. The cabin is almost finished and dad cannot wait to leave the assisted-living and I'm going nuts thinking about all the care and checking in on him I'm going to be doing even though he will get Help At Home again and will not be enough Care. Trying to recognize signs of dementia is confusing and basically I'm sick of worrying about him because he was not there for me growing up. The cabin is about a block away from me since we live on the same property, i've always been a stay at home mom and wife so I'm not working it only makes sense that I be the caretaker of him when he comes home . This whole thing makes me mentally and physically sick. I found a girl who is training to be a life coach needing people to practice on, so I was very fortunate to get three free sessions with her. It has been the best thing I have ever done and I will continue the meetings, thanks to my daughter who found her. I also had to get on anxiety and depression medicine which is helping me tremendously. My big deal now is do I tell my dad, no, you need to stay at the assisted living or let him come home and be on his own and say "see ya", hope all goes well ! I do love him, I am not coldhearted, I'm very compassionate, and would have done anything for him but after I'm still making stupid decisions with his buddies behind my back after us forking out tons of money for him these past 6 months I decided I can't do this. Do you need more than four hours a week from Help At Home and I cannot get him evaluated again until he actually comes back home living in his cabin. Ugh, Grinding my teeth again 😬

"... his sister seems to be okay with short visits from Dad, but not a fulltime living option. From past posts, it doesn't sound like he can get either sibling to take in their dad." Linda22, thanks for your reply. I wonder why he can't get either sib to take their father? He doesn't seem to be very effective with his requests to father, sil or daughter, so I'm wondering how effective he was when trying to get one of his sibs to step up.

He's taken care of his father for how many years now? Seems like the father could tolerate a change in living environment. And I think his wife needs all the hangers-on living somewhere ELSE, especially now that she has health problems.

TG, have you talked to your internist about all the drama in your life, and how it's affecting You? I worry about you, a lot.

You're a people pleaser. I should know. I'm one too. We give and give and give...and then we blow. Counseling helps. Antidepressants
(which are NOT tranquilizers) help too. Get someone else's perspective on this, TG. Before you self-destruct.

tg -a time apart for your sil and dd could be a very good thing for your daughter and for him. I encourage you to continue to help yout dd find her own place and get set up as soon as possible. It is likely, I hope not but likely, that sil will slip and then he is on his own. Your daughter needs to go to Alanon. A few visits there would not hurt you and wife either,

I agree that dealing with dad comes afterwards. He does not sound respectful of you or grateful for what you do for him. Honestly it doesn't matter what your family think about what arrangements you make. They are not making any sacrifices and I don't see any of them being supportive in any way. People can make friends at any age if given the opportunity.
Keep up the good work!!!

CTTN, his sister seems to be okay with short visits from Dad, but not a fulltime living option. From past posts, it doesn't sound like he can get either sibling to take in their dad.

TG, what does concern me about your daughter remaining in your home is there will no doubt be continual upheaval if they split up.

Sending you good vibes, TG.

Are you helping your daughter to find a place of her own, or is she going to stay with you? (If sil gets kicked out, will your daughter still stay with you?)

I don't understand why your father has to live with you. Why can't he stay with your sister the nurse?

You and your wife deserve some peace and quiet. Or don't you?

You said "If we were back home with friends and family around it would be a different story".
So where is back home, is that where your sister lives? Is there some reason you can't find him a place there near all those "helpful" relatives?

I'll be doing the happy dance. I'd love to have dad on his own but it wont happen. There are too many obstacles in the way. If we were back home with friends and family around it would be a different story. It would be akin to me dropping him off in the middle of the woods. I cant take that kind of pressure. I am ignored by the family enough as it is. The immediate issue is the drunk in the house and getting him out. How do I get myself into these situations? I have taken the hard line approach with everyone lately. No more nice guy. It is my house my rules now. Funny, as I was doing an event this weekend I was the incident commander. I was told that I am too harsh on people and that I have a tone when I talk and that I intimidate people..... When you are the IC tone doesn't matter, getting the job done does. Gee that doesn't seem to have any effect at home.

Tgengine - the day your house is free of your daughter and SIL and your father - I will be doing a happy dance for you and open a bottle of champagne.

I do challenge your assumption that dad cannot live on his own. My mom gets $700 month social security - her 2 bedroom apartment is pegged to her income, she is on medicare and Medicaid etc. She gets food assistance. her only expense is car & gas and she has plenty leftover each month for that. I know this because I had to say "NO MORE" each month when she spent her money at the casino and now needed rent money, gas money, etc. Get him out. Visit and be his son, but he is healthy and going to be under your skin for years and years.

Dad has been pretty easy but not to forthright with me. I guess I need to play twenty questions with him to get answers. He is certainly wide open with my sibling the nurse on the phone. Tells her every little thing going on with him but nothing to me. He tells me stomach issues when he has been constipated for days. We could help but he chooses to listen to some one states away. Ugh!
Daughter and SIL still dealing with their issues. Daughter finally opened up to us. She has 2 short range plans, get a place very shortly, either with him or without. He is not helping with finances, keeps his money for himself. So we are helping her find a place she can afford on her own and him not in the picture. He has been dry for 5 days he says, it is a start, we will see how this week or today for that fact goes. She is very open with us for the first time so we are listening and offering our experiences (not telling her what to do) and our support. He has used up all of his lives so now one slip and he is out. We have a plan in place how to handle it. He has his guidelines to follow, is in AA, the next step is for him to get into a program or go and live with his parents.
I am tired, stressed and angry. He has wasted 10 years of my daughters life and I don't want him around anymore. This is tough especially in my own home. So now it is my rules or go. She stays.
And I thought I had a tough time with dad.......

Plate is finally full, after 6 years of care giving now I have to deal with an alcoholic. I thought it was he just was lazy and drank a little too much. After many conversations with my daughter finding out he is a full blown alcoholic. Now to have to deal with it. He is about to get the boot. for a few days things have been good after the blowout. But waiting for the other shoe to drop. He has no chances left and he knows it, the next step is out the door if he screws up. Geez, dad has been easy at this point.
Researching ways to get him help, talking with my daughter. This is not what I need....... He says he is going to AA and not drinking, they both have to get counseling which he is going... that is it, moving to the beach and a 1 bedroom shack with my wife! Oh I wish!

All is quiet on the home front for now. I have been very busy with work and not around much. The letter I wrote did take affect, he did some chores, said he went to AA. Daughter gave him an ultimatum. She is at her end too. They both need counseling. I'm out for the next 2 days so life will be quiet here I hope. It is hard, he suffers from depression, Not sure why she picked him, does not fit her. Anyway water under the bridge. Dad has been quiet so I guess for now it is OK. Just good for me to be busy and not think about everyone's problems.

Joyce - good decision! Take care of yourselves and enjoy life.
My sister and her husband lived close to Mom and her husband (I won't call him stepfather because he was the most hateful man I ever met. He believed everyone was beneath him, especially women and anyone not a WASP male and he criticized most of them too) He didn't hesitate to say whatever he believed, in public. It was embarrassing! They drove him to doctors, took care of his yard, repaired things, picked up his garbage - never a thank you, never a compliment, and always "superior". He treated doctors and nurses with contempt. He didn't deserve any help and they only did it for Mom. He was of perfectly sound mind which made it even worse. No, someone who is mean like that, doesn't deserve help from loving relatives.

My fil is demanding and self centered. After 5 years of cooking 5 days a week for him, taking him to the dr. Doing his checks, etc., etc., etc., I've had it. He lacks empathy for others. I have a terminal disease and he has made it worse with the constant stress and demands. My husband has Parkinson's. It may sound harsh but his other son can take over the madness. I have no guilt about doing this. My husband and I have to focus on each other in the short time we have left. Being the adult child of an aging parent who is demanding and self centered does not give them entitlement for you to be their doormat. If we had to do this over again we would of set boundaries, said no more, had limitations set in place of what you can and can't do. Takers don't make limits, givers must. You can't take responsibility for your parents poor judgements and mistakes. Even though my fil is in better health than we are, an al place would be better for him. They can monitor his meds, feed him good meals, take him to the dr. Etc. We love him, but we just can't do this anymore.

Well done, tg. Keep the boundaries firm. You are doing him and everyone a big favour. One day, and maybe even now, he will appreciate what you are doing. It is the best for everyone.

I set the no alcohol rule for him, Its good for me too so I can lose some eight (empty calories). I put the booze away. Wont have any in front of him. Don't really need to lock it up since it is in my office anyway. He buys his own as it is. Wrote him the long letter, he got the letter and I saw him in the kitchen for a second, got a mumble and he got in his truck and drove off (nicely). Not sure what he will do but at least I got it off my chest and set the boundaries. I have to be on the road the rest of the day and evening so I wont be here but advised my wife to keep me in the loop tonight. Tired and wont take it anymore! My house my rules now. I will now be the father in law the boys all hate. Sorry, respect is earned around here, not given. I get it he has depression, it is a difficult issues and he is getting help but I can't be the brunt of it and nor can my daughter.

Tg, I think one of the most important things in dealing with an alcoholic is not to prop him up. Some families will enable the behavior so long that the alcoholic ultimately gets to the point that it is useless to try to change. They're 50+ years old, broke, and in poor health. I get the strong feeling that he needs to stand on his own feet out of your house. I do think you need a no-alcohol rule in your house. Your house, your rules. If he wants to drink, he'll have to go somewhere else. Of course, the rest of you will may also need to stop any type of drinking in support of him. If he can't stop drinking, it will be because he doesn't want to stop. If he doesn't want to stop, there's not much you can do. But you don't have to live with it.

I'm glad you have set some boundaries, I'm sorry that it had to take a yelling match before you got there. Just be certain to have the line clearly drawn and set in stone because even a little bit of ambivalence will allow him/you to backslide and before you know it you'll be right back where you started from.

Had a big blowout last night. I was in my office, the SIL cooking dinner. Then I heard my wife arguing with him. I listened at the bottom of the steps (learned a long time ago to let her get it out). Then after 5 minutes he raised his voice. That is when I stepped in. I was very calm. He had been drinking and was getting argumentative. She had enough. After 15 minutes of his whining, crying and excuses I gave him the ultimate get help. He said he was going to AA, I called BS, if you are going to AA you are not drinking.... He said he is going to a counselor. Good, He has depression, We went round and round. After it all settled he went upstairs to my daughter. They argued for a while (first I had to get her out of the bathroom where she hid). After a bit he raised his voice with her and my wife lost it. Finally it all calmed down, round 2 of crying. I just told hm to get help. I will get him the help what ever it takes. This is the way it is. So he has a choice, get help or get out. My mother used to write me letters when I got out of hand, They worked. So today he got a letter, locations of AA to go to today. Rules of the house or don't live here. Pretty simple, Get help and help out. Also at the end, this is the last time I will have this conversation with him, the next one will not be so pleasant.
We are done, my daughter is done. My wife stated to him she may have a stroke over this as her BP was up. Both of us dealt with this as children with our sibling. I am not going to deal with this in my home. Luckily my dad was not home to listen to all this. Don't need more input of miss-info getting out to family.

To be the sandwich generation.

TG, don't dwell on how much you'll miss your daughter. She'll be back on your doorstep someday, possibly with kid(s) in tow.

Their marriage has little chance of surviving. I don't see any hint of SIL wanting to take control of his addiction and/or engaging enough self-discipline to direct his paycheck toward an independent lifestyle.

As for women with baby fever, it always ends one way: with a baby. Regardless of how useless the bio dad is.

Working on moving them on, it is not as easy as I anticipated. I love having my daughter around. It is just the drama w the SIL. Somethings changed at work for him with an increase in pay so now they can focus on getting their own place. As for AA, he needs to go. I did not have the chance to talk to him last night but will tonight.

Thought SIL was attending AA meetings? Guess that didn't pan out.

TG, cut them loose. You've hosted their dysfunction long enough for them to regroup and take a fresh crack at independence IF they wanted to. But they don't want to. Every day is living proof.

Every day is also living proof that they can mop the floor with you and suffer no consequences. When will that change? When you change it. You.

Your house, your guest list. It's time for them to grow the f--k up and take their sorry drama someplace else. Give them a deadline and schedule the moving van.

Sorry, but I'm losing the desire to keep pointing out the obvious to you. You've already told us SIL in an alcoholic, maybe you haven't used that word but it has become pretty clear. He has problems, you can't expect him to suddenly transform into someone who doesn't. You know what to do. You refuse to do it. I'm the last person who would recommend therapy but man, you need some one on one therapy to help you take off the blindfold and see.