Can you guys give me advice while dealing with a narcissist alcoholic mother?

Narcissists cannot be cured. Their brains are just are not wired right. They don't see themselves as being the problem. Then throw in alcoholism. This is not curable either but can be controlled by the person suffering from it if they really want to quit. But your Mom probably does not see where she needs help.

At 28 I found myself with a one year old and living back home because my Ex did not want to be married anymore. I found a job and moved out of my parents a year later. Not the greatest place but it was mine. My daughter loved it. I already had my car, 7 yrs old but it got me from A to B. Received child support from the Ex. I never relied on anyone to pay my bills.

As said, you need to stop excepting things from Mom. When lease is up on the apt, move out. The car a little tricky. If you can afford for onebof yourbown, give it back to Mom. The college thing, you could have called the college and ask that payment be refunded to Mom because your not going. As said, except nothing from Mom. Go no contact if you have to.

The only way you can be under anyones thumb is if you allow it. Never physically care for Mom or take her in.

I'm revisiting this because we had a real life scenario very similar to yours in our family. Now my narc FIL was not an alcoholic. In fact, he considered a point of pride that he never drank - he judged anyone who drank ANY alcohol whatsoever, very harshly. Even socially. He believed that anyone who drank any amount at all was an alcoholic.

That being said - he was most definitely a true narcissist.

And at some point a number of years back, before my FIL even needed care, my SIL and her DH found themselves in need of a roof over their heads. He "allowed" them to move in. But nothing will ever convince me that the wheels were not already turning in his mind about his future.

They were far more dependent on him than DH or I realized at first, depending on him for all of their financial support. He provided a car for them. He paid for gas and insurance. He paid for everything, including all of their bills.

Very quickly it became evident that while he had appeared to live on his own successfully - he either needed more help than anyone realized at the time or he just decided that because they were there, they could do more for him. (His favorite thing to say was "Why would I do it myself when they can do it for me?")

In a space of maybe 18 months - he went from managing all of his own ADLs, to having lost most of them. He was still able to drive at this point, but even that went after another year or so. By the time COVID started, we were pretty much resigned. He was doing NOTHING for himself any longer. And now we were being dragged into it because his care was more than they could manage.

After about 2 years of that - his care became more than all of us working together could manage. We had to admit defeat and find another option.

But let me be clear. That time between when they moved in and when we he passed away in 2023 in the SNF - were some of the most stressful of our lives. I came from a family that supported each other, that always helped and had each other's back. So I didn't understand what was happening at first. I had never dealt with a real narcissist before.

I had never gone through such verbal abuse as I did at his hands. He had no power to mentally or emotionally abuse me because he couldn't get in my head. But I watched him verbally, emotionally and mentally abuse both my Dh and my SIL throughout. Without remorse - he did this. It was only about him.

At one point he even suggested that my DH move in with them to help, leaving me and our daughters at home. He expected DH to move, leave his family, continue to work full time and contribute monetarily to FIL's household (not OUR household, FIL's household) DH advised that would not be happening.

The point there is that FIL did not care who he impacted, who had to give up what, it did not matter, because no one else had needs. Only him.

We had NO peace until he passed away.

If you do not set up boundaries now, and hold them strong including not taking money from her - I can promise you without question that she WILL expect you to take care of her. Not only expect - but will advise you that you OWE her because of all that she has done for you.

Additionally, because she continues to give you money- if in the future she needs to apply for Medicaid for her care - and they look back and see where she has given you money over the lookback period (usually 5 years) they will likely deny her coverage until that money is paid back or care in lieu is rendered. That is probably further in the future but for reference, if you are taking money from her now and still taking money from her then it could cause problems.

We were VERY lucky that FIL ended up with VA covering all of his care due to his disability rating. Had he needed Medicaid, I honestly don't know what would have happened with him financing SIL and her DH.

You have to be VERY careful taking anything from a narcissist. There is NEVER anything they do without strings attached.

When I filed for divorce from my ex, his mother had a list of the valuable things she'd given us over the years, demanding them back from me since I was living in the home. I gathered up every single thing she'd ever given us, and me personally, including bathrobes, jewelry, etc, and piled it all in the foyer. I called my soon to be ex and gave him 24 hrs to come pick up the lot or I'd donate it all to Goodwill. Sterling silver teasets and oil paintings, ALL of it, I didn't care. The message for his mother was, "here's your stuff, we'll never speak again" and we didn't. Not one word.

I held back 1 item from the pile: a handmade French lace dress she had made in 1942 at a cost THEN of $2k. To celebrate her husband's death and her freedom. Nice, huh? I donated it to ARC thrift. I guess somebody had a reaaalllly good day thrifting that day......

I'm not for sale. Why are you?

At first, forgive me, I thought this was a joke.
It seems it isn't.

So, this is what you do.
1. Give up on using mom's money. Cross money off your list. You will be on your own.
2. Move to your own apartment and get your own job.
3. Join Al-Anon. They will love this story and will have wonderful input for you.

But that is what I would personally do.
You are an adult. What you do is entirely your choice. But if you are selling your life down the river in hopes of getting a cash payout eventually, I will just observe after long reading here (5 years), it very often doesn't happen.

Good luck.

What do you do? You love as an independent adult, minus the financial help of your mother. Like the rest of us. She will never respect you while you’re taking her money. When there’s nothing money related to hold over you, you’ll be free of her threats and manipulation. It’s truly the only way

The buying of cars and getting apartments is your mother's way of keeping you under her thumb.

Do you work? If not, get the necessary skills to land a job.. You are still young, so take baby steps to get independent.

Join Al-Anon.

Here's the fail-proof way to prevent your mother from controlling your life with her money.

Stop accepting her money. Get a job and start supporting yourself and your child. Also, if you're not still in a relationship with your child's father, he should be sending child support for her. So go down to the courthouse in your area and pay a visit to the family court clerk who files child support claims.

Mommy should not be buying you cars, getting you apartments, and enrolling you in school. You are not a child. You are an adult who has a child. It's time for you to grow up and start living a grown-up's life. This means paying your own bills, getting your own apartment, getting your own car, enrolling in school if that's what you want to do.

Don't accept any financial support from her, then you aren't beholden to her. I know it's a miserable life to be dependent on other people. It destroys a person's self-respect and self-esteem. I'm sure you don't want your daughter to grow up seeing you have to beg and grovel to your mother because everything you have is hers. That will break her heart because you're her mom and she loves you. Don't live like that. You deserve better. So does your daughter.

I don't mean to sound harsh to you, but you need to grow up and stop accepting financial support from your mother. Then you can tell her where to go when she starts mouthing off and putting you down.

Also, your boyfriend should be helping out financially if he doesn't already and the two of you should join an Al-Anon meeting. That group really helps a person learn how to cope with having alcoholics in their lives.

You have a lot of work to do. So get to it. It will be hard and you may find your lifestyle greatly reduced when you stop accepting your mother's money. You'll be better for it though.

I was a CNA caregiver for a long time. One time this rich, Stepford wife type very pretentiously said that she couldn't believe I'd do such disgusting work. She was a stay-at-home mom who had a pretty good lifestyle to the casual observer. Her husband was a cheater who used to beat on her though. I told her that I'd much rather clean up sh*t than have to eat it. She never spoke to me again.

As long as you continue to accept the many things that your mom uses to try and buy your love, including your apartment and car, she'll continue to have control over you.
Only you can change this very sick and dysfunctional dynamic you have with your mom, but I honestly don't get the impression that you really want to.
Because if you really wanted to, you would be willing to give up your apartment and car if need be just to get her off your back. But sadly she has you right where she wants you and she knows it.
Just like an abusive husband/boyfriend who beats his woman down so much that she keeps on taking the abuse, your mom has beaten you down so much that you just continue to take it.
Yes, attending some Al-Anon meetings could help you put things in perspective, but you also need some one on one intense therapy with a qualified therapist that will help you unravel this very warped and sick relationship you have with your mom.
Someone has to break this cycle of abuse and dysfunction so you don't pass it on to your precious 6 year old as they are watching every step you take.
So time to be the adult now and show your child what true adulting really looks like, and what it doesn't look like is allowing your alcoholic mom to continue to pay for things that you should be paying for yourself.
And if that means getting an apartment/house that is in your budget and a car as well even if it's not as nice as what you have now, well so be it. At least you won't have your sick mom hanging over your head all the time with her empty threats.
You have to decide once and for all that you're going to put your big girl panties on and start acting like the adult you need to be.
And that may include cutting your mom out of your life for a while or even forever, and you need to be ok with that, as she does NOT have your best interests in mind, nor your child's.
Your mom is sick, very sick in her addiction. Please DO NOT continue to let her suck you down into the abyss with her. Time to say enough is enough!

I didn't read what others said so this may be repeating.

First thing you need to do is go to Al-Anon

I am 60, I'm thinking your mom is probably my age. I have recently ended all my relationship with my alcoholic friends. I'm not sure if it's me I just can't and don't want to deal with them anymore, or that after them drinking all there life , there brain is just so warped that they're just off there rocker. Id say it's a bit of both. I just heard rumors that one friend was involved in a car accident, and she left the sence of the accident. So it confirms I made the right decision.

As far as the narssasisim , this is common among addicts. Because there only thought all day is when they can get the next fix.

One friends thought the minute she gets up is counting the hours down to her first glass of wine at lunch.

My step children's mom was an alcoholic , I see everyday the struggles they have.

Please reach out to Al-Anon and best of luck

She can buy you these things - but she cannot force you to accept them. You have the freedom to accept or reject those things.

You are a mother now - and you know how you want your child to grow up. I think you know that if you don't put some boundaries in place, this will begin to spill over to your child before much longer, if she hasn't tried already.

True narcissists, the ones with the personality disorder, will use whatever is available to manipulate and control people. If she is a true narcissist, she has been grooming you since before you were old enough to even know you needed to put your guard up against the person who was supposed to love and protect you. She spent time ensuring that your natural instinct was to give in to her to keep her happy and keep her from abusing you in whatever way she leaned towards.

You are not only allowed - but encouraged at 30, to blaze your own trail away from your mother and her purse strings. It is completely ok for you to say no to the "gifts" because that his how she controls you.

You are right - SHE is never going to change. Period. You can't make her change. The only way to change the situation is for you to change your behavior, your reactions, how you deal with her. And she won't like it. But you have to stand strong.

Because I'm assuming she is maybe in her late 50s early 60s right now, based on your age. And alcoholism does not mix well with aging. Narcissism does not mix well with aging. The two together are a one-two punch and if she gets dementia in the mix as well - you need to have healthy boundaries in place BEFORE that happens.

And you need the confidence that comes with knowing you can stand on your own two feet. Because if she needs care, if she is still controlling you with money, you are the first person she is going to conscript into servitude to take care of her.

Someone can buy you a gift but only you can accept it. Stop using the things she buys you. This is called a boundary.

Also, please consider attending an Al Anon meeting (speaking of boundaries). You have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with her. Yes, she is controlling you with money and material things. All you have to do is say "no" and poof! She loses all control over you. Then you move on with your life. Your 6-yr old shouldn't be exposed to her toxicity. This is also a boundary you need to defend.

We don't get to choose our family but we do get to choose how much or little we interact with them. You're not obligated to spend any time with an alcoholic manipulator. You will now have to figure out how to support yourself and your child without her financing it. You can do it. It won't be easy at first but it will be very freeing. Maybe consider talking to a therapist to help you stay strong. I wish you all the best as you move onward and upward with your life.

Stop accepting any money , apartments , cars , etc . from her . Then she can’t hold it over your head . Although she will probably continue to do it anyway about past gifts, and support.

Become financially independent of your mother . Support yourself and your child . Go to Al-anon meetings . Limit contact with her , or go no contact since you never got along .