*Just so you know, this post includes mentions of suicide which is a difficult topic for many*
Dad is in AL and has what we suspect is dementia but no clear diagnosis yet. His personality has always been a bit manipulative — he'll say or do what he feels he needs to, to get what he wants.
Over the past few months his most common threat is to kill himself. He usually makes these threats on voice mail or email, never in person (yet). When I get a threat from him I call the AL immediately and tell them and so far they have been really great about checking on him (one lady actually dropped the phone — she didn't even hang it up — but dropped it to go and make sure he was okay).
In none of these circumstances has he been in danger, it's just been a threat. But it's been happening every couple of weeks now.
He's got a therapist at the AL and she has him on some anti-depressants but he hates them and complains that we're having him "drugged."
The big issue I face is that usually these threats come because I've set some sort of boundary with him. For example, I have told him not to call me over and over again at work — I work at a job where I do a lot of big trainings so I'm really not available, I'll be leading a training for hours and not be able to check my phone. I have his number blocked during the day when he calls over and over, but once I listen to the voice mail, (sometimes ten or more) it's him getting increasingly frustrated that I'm not answering and then a threat of suicide.
He's threatened suicide because we weren't able to visit because my husband got COVID; my sibling had to change her Christmas plans to different dates; I didn't know where the deed to my mother's cemetery plot was (I found it, I just didn't know where it was when he called); the bank canceled his debit card because of fraud; he had to go to the hospital for tests and they decided to keep him overnight; you get the picture.
Basically any time he's frustrated or annoyed he says he's going to kill himself.
I told him, Dad, you can't keep saying you are going to kill yourself, that's not an okay thing to say. And he said, "well, it's the only way to get you to call me back." (That's not true — I always call him back, but I try to do it after my work day)
My husband says I'm not responsible for making him happy, just making sure he's safe. But it is really draining to have him say he's going to kill himself over and over again. At the same time, unlike other things he says, I can't just ignore it — I have to take it seriously. Which is probably why he keeps saying it.
So what would you do?
Like it or not, he has you trained. You can still check in if you need it for your peace of mind, but I'd stop letting him know that the suicide threat was the reason. Don't even mention it to him any longer, and maybe take a little longer to respond or call him at the same time each evening in order to train HIM instead. That would let him know that his threats are pointless, but you also can be counted on to check in daily.
Histrionic Personality Disorder is one label I can think of for this B.S.
Give dad a wise azz answer to His histrionics and then let ALL HIS CALLS GO TO VM for several days thereafter.
Game on dad. The gig is up.
Believe me, he will stop this, he is playing you like a fine tuned violin, he is getting the reaction out of you that he wants.
He is manipulating you, it is up to you to set the boundaries.
He will learn that every time he threatens this you will call 911.
Your dad is getting the reaction he wants from you when he feels "needy"
You can play the game 1 of 2 ways. (And this is a game for him)
Contact the AL and tell them that they can call 911 and have him transported due to threats of self harm. If they keep him over night or for a few days he might think twice about pulling this stunt.
or
Completely ignore the call. Don't call the AL. Call him back when it is convenient for you to do so. If he gets no response from you or the staff at AL again he might rethink his strategy for getting attention.
(I have to admit this second option would be difficult for me to do just because you never know what might happen.)
Can u set up a time of day that u call him for a check in? Like after dinner about 7. I agree with Alva, you are doing good.
I know your situation is different as he’s already in AL.
Just wanted you to know lots of us have been subjected to this manipulation.
You are sticking to your boundaries (which you must have in order to have any quality of life at all).
You have your father seeing a therapist.
Your Father is being medicated (and whether he is having some side effects of suicidal ideation from medications is worth being certain the therapist does know).
Your Father is in care.
You are reporting his ideations to the facility.
You sound to be a marvelous support to him.
I cannot see how you can humanly do anything else.
I would be the last, a an old retired RN, to take expressions of suicidal ideation lightly.
I would also be the first to admit that we can do all that is known to do, and someone may still slip through any cracks (and there are always cracks). Some elders find life so difficult, have so little hope of improvement, that they do indeed wish to die. I don't consider that irrational.
Again. You are doing what you can do. There is no failsafe in this. Your father is suffering from depression. As to whether there is manipulation going on as well is anyone's guess. Given when he uses this, it would seem so, but again, not for us to judge.
I wish you the best. Not everything CAN be fixed. We can only do the best we can and it DOES seem to me that's exactly what you are doing.
You are playing into his manipulation by responding with a call back when he threatens. You are reinforcing his behavior.
Until you change YOUR response, nothing is going to change.
If he doesn't any longer realize that you cannot be available 24/7 by phone, you either need to reduce your response to him (call him once a week, say) or take the phone away.
As usual your advice is sound.
That being said...
Your father is is being abusive in his neediness. He is using the threat of killing himself as a way to control and manipulate you.
Do not change anything you have been doing as far as setting boundaries is concerned.
The next time he threatens suicide, call the AL and tell them to call an ambulance so he can be taken to the hospital.
A few days on a hospital psych floor will put the brakes on the suicide threats.
You must continue to set and keep your boundaries with him, for your own sanity, so next time he threatens it, just tell him not to make too big of a mess doing it because you don't want the CNA's to have to clean up too big of a mess.
And then ask him if he wants his body buried or cremated, and if cremated where he would like his ashes scattered.
That's what I would do if that was my dad. You must just call his bluff.
If he really wanted to kill himself he would have done it already.
Sorry you're having to deal with his nonsense. Hopefully by calling his bluff it will stop.
You're right. No one who lives to old age is serious about suicide. If they were, they wouldn't have attained old age.
All you can do is keep setting boundaries. She calls and wakes me up, and if she doesn't get my phone she calls the house and if that doesn't work she calls my husband. I've told her repeatedly we aren't up at certain times and if we don't answer we will call back later but it does no good. I finally told her we're silencing our phones until we are awake, at an appt. Etc. It does not stop the calls but I don't have to hear them when I can't answer or get woken up. It makes her mad but she gets over it.
My therapist said you can't reason with the unreasonable and that has helped a lot.
You can't change that he will make these threats but you can change your response. I wish I had better advice how to respond, but it might be good for you to consider therapy if you don't already do it.
Your husband is right. You are not responsible for his happiness. You are also not responsible if he would make good on his threats. He keeps doing it because it gets him something he wants (your attention). I know how exhausting it is to deal with someone who behaves this way. I wish I had better advice, but I wanted you to know you're not alone.
If he kills himself, it’s not your fault. The chances are he won’t, but if he does, so what? Stop worrying about it. Greet him with a cheery ‘Still alive?’ while you can.