I’m at my wits end with my 82 year old mother. She has been housebound for over 2 years now and in that time I have arranged Carers, get her shopping every week whilst holding down a full time job and struggling with my own health she was shouting in front of my son last week that I have no feelings and I’m selfish and I’m a nasty person. I have decided to walk away from her as I’ve had enough but can’t help feeling guilty but can’t forgive her for saying all these things about me. Why do I feel guilty?
if your son is already a grown man, setting a good example is still relevant.
Take care of yourself. Teach him to take care of himself. It’s okay to make the choices that you need to make in life to be happy.
Maybe your mom is acting out because she is not happy either.
The whole goal in life is to be happy and by your own narrative, you are making choices that don’t position you for that opportunity.
As for guilt, generally, . . .
Guilt starts and ends with you. It is a self-harming emotion that we impose upon ourselves.
Own your selections, your thoughts, words and actions. Right or wrong, support yourself, end of story. Most of the what we do involves our own choice, so once you make the decision, move forward, move ahead and don’t dwell backwards. There is too much to do in life to get mired down and stuck in “ what ifs.” We all make mistakes and when you make one, acknowledge for a brief moment that you made a mistake, apologize to someone if need be - and then move forward- you are human and it is over.
Choose to be kind and protective to yourself instead. When you recognize you are starting to feel guilt, stop abruptly. Change the circumstances so that guilt can’t creep farther in to your psyche. How should you do that? What rewards do you give yourself? A walk, a call with a friend, a new blouse, an ice cream cone, reading news on your cell phone, an indulgent TV show, time playing with the dog? An extra hot shower, walk in the park, moisturizing foot lotion just because. Make your favorite dinner instead of asking others, use your best perfume for no reason, change into your soft pajamas early - this gesture can be large or small, it can cost money or be free. The important thing is that you get yourself away from that guilt that you are inflicting on yourself and be nice to yourself until the situation and threat of guilt passes. Look at this as a “retraining” or happiness exercise.
If someone was bullying your son, you would use all your powers to make the abuse stop. So use that same philosophy to protect yourself from your cruel pointless self torture.
She likely isn’t in control of her emotions and comments and doesn’t know if you’ve forgiven her or not. It’s incredibly hard and so sad to come to this time in your life with your mother. Most of us can’t help but react to this with guilt, but this is different.
You can eventually look back and realize what this really is.
The worst thing about this situation is that no matter how much you do, nothing will get better. For you, this can cause anxiety and depression.
It’s a healthy and necessary decision to stop what you’re doing for your mother and find other care.
Guilt is a natural reaction and after some time you may be able to realize that you’re not guilty of anything.
Good luck. You are not the only one dealing with this, and recognizing that has been a comfort to me.
Now, another perspective is to maybe consider the state of mind your mother is in. Has she always treated you this way or is it new? Sometimes for various reasons, people change due to medical conditions or other life changes. You probably already know this but just wanted to remind you. Take care of yourself!
May I suggest:
Arranging for grocery delivery and transportation for your mother for appointments and such. As much as possible, all mom's care should be paid for with her own resources, not yours.
Take time to get your own health needs met. You can't make sure mom is OK if you're in a hospital bed. Take a "vacation" from mom to get your own appointments and treatments completed. Tell her, "The doctor needs me to get all these appointments and treatments done. I will visit once they are completed." Let the rest of the family know about your "medical vacation." Ask them to visit more often while you take care of yourself.
Take "time off" from your mom to meet your own social needs. Everybody needs time to do things they enjoy with people they find enjoyable. This is vital self-care not being selfish.
Expect mom to throw a fit. You are not nasty or selfish for taking care of your health and needs. Nobody else will take care of your needs; you need to do that. Reinforce to your mom that you do care and visits/calls show that care. Don't believe the words she throws at you in her frustration of not getting her way.
Sonetime they say them because they are scared of thinking they have to go live in a Nursing Home and they don't want to go which I don't blame them as they're the last place you would want to I've in. They are all understaffed and the patients get over medicated and you lose whatever dignity you have.
Try to make amends with your mom. Let your sin know that Grand ma's act out too and you and Grandma have things to work out.
Get help so you won't fill so overloaded.
You just noted that your son was being verbally abused - perhaps that is the end or at least a point to write her a note so she notices how negatively her behavior affected you. If she is combative and it is due to the dementia, that is a medical issue. If she's always been this way, pull back and reassess each time you pull back.
Caregiving does not give the person you are taking care of the right to treat you badly. It has no place in any relationship. Do not feel bad or guilty. You deserve time off, days without stress, and lots of time to do the things you want to do. You are truly a sweetheart for doing the things you have already done.
She can say all the horrible things she wants. You can't stop her. Just know that she can't help it. She may be scared or angry at her own life but that does not give her (or anyone) the right to take it out on another person nor does she (or anyone) have the right to ask you to take care of her.
Caregiving is a gift we give another. It is not a demand or obligation. We don't call it "caredemand", do we? We should be appreciated, not abused.
Is it actually selfish to be caring, organising & doing all for Mother to keep her in her home these last few years? No. If course not. So disregard it. Is it actually selfish of your Mother to expect you meet her needs at the expense of your own? Yes. But disregard that as a byproduct of aging/brain changes. She is angry is all. Angry she got old or sick or lost her independence. Sure. But it's not your fault. It's also not within your ability to fix it.
In order to HELP Mother (use that word) consider getting an up to date medical checkup & a needs assessment done. Then have THE CHAT to Mom to work out a future path.
*Aging in Place* or *staying home* is not always forever.. so add on *as long as possible*.
What will *possible/not possible* look like?
For my relative *aging in place* is No 1, but it comes with being (nearly) housebound & frequest falls. There is no future planning. I have accepted there is no willingness or ability to do so. So we (legally must) await the real world to initiate such change ie awaiting a crises to effect change. (A broken hip, a head strike, a kitchen fire) ☹️
But somewhere along the way I lost the guilt. I moved myself from Fixer to Advocate which seemed to do it.
I wish you strength for the journey.
perfectly said! Thanks!
Stepping away is the right thing to do, just make sure her carers show up and mom is cared for.
It may be time for other options such as having her live in the appropriate facility. Start checking out facilities that match her needs. You can still be her caregiver from a distance making sure her needs are met. Also know that her actions may be spurred on by her disease and is no longer able to control her fears, anger, or other emotions.
Give yourself some grace and forgive yourself, we can only do what we can do.
I/we visit her at least once a week and the visits are pleasant. She’s more relaxed than I’ve ever seen her. She’s always been difficult so we’re never sure how much is the advanced dementia and how much is just herself unleashed.
Bottom line: Save yourself. Her demands will only increase, as you are physically and mentally destroyed. I could barely walk but she’d keep barking orders. I was recovering post-op and she’d wake me constantly. We live next door to each other so I could not get away. I tried bringing in caregivers to give myself 4 hours off but she blew.
Say it with me: “I deserve to live my own life with my family and friends. I deserve control over my own time. I deserve downtime when I am ill or injured. I deserve to be treated with courtesy. I have done a lot and have no real reason to feel guilty.”
and thank you for encouraging the rest of us in similar situations.
Now, my first question would be - has your mom always been this nasty? If yes, then you’ve allowed yourself to be a doormat for a long time, so she’s just used to treating you this way. You know Einstein’s theory of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results? That’s you, sweetheart.
However, if this has been out of the norm up until her decline then that would be the Alzheimer’s, and more characteristic to her losing herself than anything else. Some people with dementia turn nasty when once were nice. In the case with my MIL, she’s mellowed where once she was a she-demon from hell. It’s like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates - you never know what you’re going to get.
Give yourself a good long break. Have the caregivers look after her. Have groceries delivered, and and check in after a week or two once her mood has mellowed.
Just pray that you’re not like this when you’re older with your own children…
Part of our problem as caregivers to our parents, IMHO, is we are taught to treat our elders with respect. But when that respect is not mutual, then it should be "Bye, Felicia!". So, go in peace, your mom doesn't deserve you.
She's burnt out. And the mother needs better care but it doesn't make the mother "toxic"
You are burnt out and are blaming someone who has no control for her lack of control, in words and deeds. For your sake, your children's sake, and your mother's sake...place her somewhere she can get the care she deserves.
You can then check in on her and leave if she's annoying.
We all know kids like this.
We all know elders like this.
Seniors even the ones with dementia will take their frustrations, anger, and even downright nastiness out on the people they're closest to because they are safe targets. Chances are an elder with dementia who behaves to their daughter (it's almost always a daughter who takes it) how Taylorb1's mother does to her, more times than not has always behaved so to them. In the past before dementia they were sharper and better at gaslighting, guilting, and cutting them down so they weren't resorting to the screaming and yelling in front of the grandkids.
Taylorb1, you feel guilty about walking away because you've been conditioned to feel guilty. All of us have. We've all been taught all of our lives that if a person (especially a family member) is sick or in need, you help and take care of them. You know your mom is old and has dementia. She's sick and in need so you're trying to do for her. She's also your mother and it's hard for anyone no matter how old they are to have their own mother say terrible things to and about them.
You're right to walk away from the caregiving situation. Your mother needs more than you can provide. You aren't just walking away and leaving her to fend for herself. You've arranged care services to go to her house.
When you and your son visit her, if she starts up with either one of you, leave immediately. I find that in almost 25 years of in-home caregiving that the best course of action when the mean, nasty, spiteful, instigating behaviors start is to walk away and completely ignore the person. Do not even acknowledge their existence. I can't tell you how many times I've served a meal or did the hands-on care for some senior in absolute and total silence because this was the only way to maintain the level of patience someone needs to have in order to care for these people.
You do the same. If homecare does not work out for your mother, then she will need a care facility. Either way, you will do the right thing to make sure she gets the care she needs. You or your son tolerating her verbal abuse is not part of getting her proper care.
If she is living alone, you are going to need to make a decision where you are going to place her. I can tell, you will not be able to care for her and Dementia get worse. With my mom, she declined monthly.