19 year old college student wants to get out of her parents house. She has three preschool age little sisters and Mom and Dad drama and is just ready to have her own life.
I am 24/7 unpaid caregiver for my mother who has moderate Alzheimer's. Mom does not have the money to pay me or anyone else and does not yet qualify for Medicaid due to some shady crap my brother pulled.
Mom can dress herself, feed herself, walk a quarter of a mile, but she doesn't realize she needs to lock the door when she goes out to leave, short-term memory is pretty well shot, and she's often confused about what state she lives in, doesn't know her husband and mother are passed, can still play aggravation marble game but not connect four, thinks she knows complete strangers, waves like mad to them and tells me stories about their lives... the care is not arduous but she does think my things are her since she gets angry when I'm doing something at my house because she thinks it's her house and her stuff..
I need a break -- 24/7 for 2 years and through covid -- I'm worn out. Her other adult children do nothing to help. Only two of them even call and it's usually only two or three times a month for about 15 minutes.
I'd like to propose that 19 year old move into her great grandmother's house and have free access to her ggmother's car (unless mine breaks down). Car is a 2002 Honda Civic with about 150,000 miles on it.
Mom comes to my house with me every evening to sleep. Her house is two stories and I would have to sleep on the floor or upstairs if we stayed at her house. Very unsafe. at my house we are only a few feet apart in our own beds. I also have three cats that need to be cared for.
I'm wondering how many hours per week of her giving me respite, and helping care for her great grandma would be fair in exchange for living here and using the car.
Outside of the hours we arrange she's free to live her life, have friends over when grandma's not here, have job, go to classes whatever and just provide help for x number of hours so I can get a break, go to the dentist, go to the grocery store without a bunch of drama, or heaven help me go for a walk or maybe have lunch with another human being.
I am fully aware of the post that are going to come about payroll taxes and etc and illegal working -- which apparently I'm working illegally as a 24/7 caregiver with zero pay and in fact I end up paying for stuff. Those post aside. I have no clue as to how many hours would be reasonable. The house is nothing fancy. It's a typical old farmhouse But there's heat, a/c, internet, large 4K TV, and she'd be here by herself from probably 7:00 p.m. until 8:00 a.m. and then probably at least 4 to 5 hours during the day. Mom's insistent that we go someplace every single day. It's an obsession to be going. So we go to my house in the early afternoon and then come back here and then go back there...
So if anyone has any idea about how many hours per week would be a fair exchange I'd love to hear it.
Hire an experienced caregiver.
Where did the money go?
Check with your insurance company about adding a 19 year old driver to that car. The cost of insurance will skyrocket.
Also not sure if I would give a 19 year old (at least most of them) free reign on an unsupervised house from 7 P.M. until 8 A.M. (While she may be trusted are all her friends, and the friends they talk to?) And yes I realize a 19 year old is legally an adult but....
Next...
How much experience does she have with her Great Grandma? Has she stayed with her for any length of time? If not before you make this arrangement I strongly suggest that she spend at least a full weekend with you seeing what is involved. THEN another weekend caring for Great Grandma with minimal help from you.
If she can manage I would draw up a contract with a 3 or 6 month trial basis and the "contract" can be renewed after that. Also what do you expect of the 19 year old? Are there going to be other jobs other than caring for GG? Laundry? Cleaning? Shopping? Is the 19 year old going to be doing personal care? Bathing? Changing briefs? Showering? And any of the other ADL's? As GG declines more and more tasks will be added. With studies can the the 19 year old handle that?
What of her studies? Will she be in the midst of studying for an exam when GG decides to go for a walk and is not heard leaving? (when my 19 year old grandson is studying the headphones are on and the house could collapse around him and he would not hear a thing --ok that might be an exaggeration but I have called him, texted him and rung the doorbell and he does not hear it)
I am also wondering how confusing this is for your mom to be sleeping in a place that is not her house every night? And if she has no problem with that, and she is there also for about 5 hours each day why do you not move her into your house? Selling the farmhouse would provide money for her care and you could hire a caregiver.
Back to subject matter. When I was caring for my Husband 4 to 5 years ago I paid the caregivers that I hired between $20 and 25 an hour
A "house sitter" is paid an average of $20 to 30 an hour.
Are you also going to be providing food for the 19 year old?
If it costs $150 to 200 to rent a room That might equate to 8 to 10 hours of "caregiving" You could use that as a starting point.
If the 19 year old is not expected to do "household chores " you might bump up the number of hours. But part of the respite is having someone else clean the bathroom, laundry, mop, vacuum, and all the other stuff.
And I guess the final question is...Is your Grand daughter going to want to do all this? Does she know ALL that is involved? Gets back to my suggestion that there is a "see it all happen weekend and do it all weekend" and let her see what is involved. And she needs to know that with dementia what is true and real this week might not be next week.
I don't see where she expects the girl to do any chores.
The one problem I see is toileting. Is an unexperienced 19 yr old willing to do that. The other is having friends over...not a 19 yr old. Seems kids now have no respect for other peoples things. You hear all the time where a house was trashed because parents were away and kiddies played. I may allow a BF a couple of GFs another couple but I would make it clear no parties where things could get out of hand.
If you have Mom from 7am to 8am then you get her up and dressed and give breakfast so no caring there for 19 yr old. I think for this to work, you are going to need to be very flexible especially if 19 yr old is going to school. That can be a f/t thing then there is no time for respite. And if not going to school, she will need a job. Then there is just being a teenager who wants to be able to go out with friends when they call at the last minute. Not have to say "I have to babysit my my GGrandmother". I think the 19 yr old may think this is a great idea until her "freedom" is in jeopardy.
You may be better lining up someone with some caregiving experience. I am not talking about an aide or CNA. Just someone who has cared for a LO. There must be some retired woman who would love a few extra dollars in their pocket. All your asking is to have someone sit with Mom so you can have some me time. You could set up a day or a couple of hours a day, couple of days a week. This person would be a sitter just like hiring someone to babysit your kids. $10 an hour is what I here teens are getting now.
"I am fully aware of the post that are going to come about payroll taxes and etc and illegal working -- which apparently I'm working illegally as a 24/7 caregiver with zero pay and in fact I end up paying for stuff."
There are lots of people who pay under the table for aides. As long as you and the aide are in agreement, no problem. Legal no, but its done. The problem arises when u need Medicaid and you have to show where the money went and you don't have an agreement for the care and you haven't taken out taxes, ect.
Oh yes, the car. Grandma is still paying insurance on a car that she doesn't drive? My states insurance is so high that would be the first thing I dropped. (I pay 3500 a year for 3 cars and we get Senior rates) You could use the money that Grandma pays for registration and insurance for a sitter. I would think twice about allowing a 19 yr old to drive it. And as said it could up Gma's rates. More money out of her pocket. And who is going to pay for gas? Are you going to put restrictions on how far the 19 yr old can drive it? IMO, just find a sitter.
In short, she has two older sisters who are adult "children". This one's actually an adult "adult" and has experience. I'd pit her against probably 50% of the people who claim to be dementia care skilled... She doesn't talk past or about grandma like she's a 8-month-old child... She'll leave the room or send a private text message rather than be disrespectful.
And I wish the kid was a little more inclined to have friends. She has exactly one and we've known him since he was three and he is an absolute doll. Hoping that over the next couple years she comes out of her social shell a little bit... But yeah if there was some sort of a massive emergency like I was on a sinking ship or the house was on fire I'd pick her over my other siblings in a heartbeat and most of her aunts and uncles who are my nieces and nephews..
So the question really is about what would be fair.
Luckily I finally stumbled on an agency that pairs young adults with elders who did not have dementia and was able to get a sense based on what they are doing
For those in a similar circumstance, we're going to talk about 18 hours a week. Her focus will be our grandma going out for a walk, sitting on the front porch, finding TV programs, cleaning their nail polish off and reapplying it once a week and making sure ggma is safe and interacted with.
Thanks much and I wish you all the best.
So at night when evening comes she does not want to be in her own home. She wants to go to a house that does not exist and has never existed.
She loves the idea of coming to my house for a sleepover slumber party. And she loves the bed we got for her to sleep in at my house and my cats. And when she wakes up in the morning she mostly knows she's at my house. And she likes to be going someplace all the time. So thanks to his relentless drone of black and white TV shows she thinks she lives in two houses that have blurred into one.
So at my house she does not go to bed anxious nor does she go to bed on a different floor than I do. She gets up and go to the bathroom at night I know it she gets up and goes into the kitchen I know it.
I also use wyze security cameras that give me cell phone notifications when there's motion. And we're not yet at Wander risk but I think we might be getting close. I have a jiobit tracker. It's on her keychain. However when she becomes a Wonder risk she probably won't be taking her keys with her but now when we go out she has it with her. Hope that helps somebody out there.
Your Grand daughter actually sounds a lot like my Grandson. I would trust him to house sit for me anytime. I can honestly say I would not trust most 19 year old's with that responsibility.
18 hours a week will give you a much needed break.
I do hope all works out well for you, your mom and your grand daughter.