My 95 year old mother has been living in a wonderful group home for the last 3 years which is great as I am the only sibling who lives in close proximity to her since my sister passed away about 4 years ago. Moving her into the group home has been a blessing due to her deteriorating mental and physical health and her caregivers are fantastic. The issue is, over the last few years she has had some close calls with physical ailments that have sent her to and from the hospital and this past October her doctor suggested she be put in hospice (on site in the group home) as she is very frail. My mother, even after serious health problems has always bounced back and is quite amazing in her ability to recover from some serious health concerns. In many of these situations, the question of whether or not she would or could recover was never out of my mind.. but she always did beat the odds.
Two weeks ago she was sent to the ER with an abdominal bleed and the EMT's and ER nurse both said it was one of the worst cases they had ever seen. Two days in the hospital with an infusion of blood and she was back to her normal self and was returned to the group home. But since then she has developed pneumonia, most likely due to aspirating vomit from the bleed. And once again things are not looking good.
For me it's this constant roller coaster of emotions... It's becoming increasingly exhausting trying not to wish her to die.. Between not wanting to think myself incredibly morbid to want her to give up but so tired of waiting for it to finally happen. Her dementia is severe enough I'm quite sure she doesn't really know who I am and that's okay. She's happy where she's living and is not a complainer to her caregivers so there is no real reason for her not to want to continue on living.
Additionally it's the 20th anniversary of my only child's death the end of this month. Her father and I have been divorced for 30 years and I don't have close relatives or friends for support dealing with my mother or my child's death.
All of this is really dragging me down. I find myself depressed and crying far too often.
This was December 21, 2021. Mom passed away on February 22, 2022, a mere 2 months after she was accepted into the hospice program for "Senile Degeneration of the Brain", a Medicare approved code. Her heart gave out; she did not pass due to 'hospice killing her' or 'overmedicating her' or any such nonsense, btw........she took to her bed one day, plum worn out, and didn't get back out again. She passed 1 week later to the day, and remained semi-to-fully comatose the entire time.
As an only child, I was the ONLY person on earth to deal with mom and her myriad of issues for the entire 10+ years she'd been in Colorado near me since I moved my folks back here after dad had to give up his license. I was with him when he passed of a brain tumor in Assisted Living in 2015 with hospice, and I had been with mom every step of the way for the 7 years afterward. She was ready to be with God and I was ready for her TO be with God.
Bringing hospice on board for your mother does not mean her death will be expedited or any such thing. What it means is that the endless trips to the ER will end, and that she'll be kept comfortable in the group home she loves WITHOUT medical intervention being taken to extend her life. She'll be kept comfortable if she's in pain, and nature will be allowed to take its course. For me, that's how things SHOULD be; not where doctors interfere to keep a demented elder alive until she's 100, on a ventilator and a feeding tube! Nope. Allow your mother to live until God is ready to call her Home, and you'll have allowed nature to take its course.
My condolences on the loss of your child 20 years ago. You have my respect for the grief you feel for a life cut short. Your mother, on the other hand, has lived a full life of 95 years and for that you should feel glad. When it's her time to go, tears are unwarranted. Yes you will miss her, but you can celebrate a life fully lived instead of one that was cut short.
I am so sorry for the loss of your child.
I wouldn’t hesitate for a second to bring in hospice since the doctor recommended it. They will have a medical staff, a social worker and clergy on staff. Please utilize these resources. The social worker and clergy are there for comfort. I was thoroughly satisfied with the care I received from hospice for my mother.
My mom lived to be 95 and I felt many of the emotions that you are feeling. At times it is hard to let go and yet we don’t want them to suffer any longer.
You described it perfectly. It is a roller coaster. I don’t know that we can escape feeling what we do when going through it. We are humans with human emotions.
It isn’t easy. Make sure that you have some time for yourself. You need time to recharge because it is emotionally draining going through this transitional period. I find that transitional times are the hardest.
We fully know that no one is immortal. Our elderly parent’s days are numbered. They have more days behind them than ahead. It’s tough to wait it out. We feel helpless and we are. It’s beyond our control.
Please know that you aren’t alone. You can lean on members of this forum. Vent if you want to, cry, ask questions, etc.
Wishing you peace during the days ahead.
My own experience is that my MIL would have preferred to die at about 94 or 95, while she still knew who we were and could speak. I know that she asked me not to call a doctor if she got pneumonia again after she recovered from it aged 93. Unfortunately it wasn’t possible to implement anything when she lost the power to communicate. If hospice is an option (it wasn’t for us back then), and you have an idea of her preferences, you can implement it ready for the next crisis that would need serious intervention to survive.
Let’s deal with one aspect: your concern that you shouldn’t wish your mother to die. Why shouldn’t you? Why self-impose this guilt on yourself? She’s had a long life, you’ve had a good relationship, but she’s suffering. It isn’t wrong to think that this suffering should be over. It might even be right to pray for a peaceful ending for her now. Can you work your way around to thinking that way? Please try.
My mother’s dying took about 5 years. It was horrible, and I wished constantly for it to be over. When it was, she was 95 and I felt nothing but gratitude and relief. My grief had been spent long before.
Good luck and my sympathies.