SORRY IT'S LONG,
Hi. My husband and I recently had to move in with his grandmother, my grandma in-law. At first everything was okay. About 1 year into it she started throwing things at me (wife), constantly being demeaning, and insisting that I brush her hair when that was not discussed as something I had to do. She tells anyone who will listen that I abuse her emotionally and that my daughter who is 4 bites and hits her. I am not a paid caregiver. I don’t care if I was, but I want that to be known. She has contacted CYS and Area on Aging about me being abusive, and tells CYS that I'm abusive towards my daughter. The gram tells me that she wants to be the only women in my husband's life, and that he doesn’t love me. She claims I'm extorting her when I've never asked her for money ever. I don’t know her bank stuff. When I told family members about her decline in emotional behavior they told me she has Lewy body dementia but, no doctor will diagnose her with it. Every caseworker tells me she does not have it. I feel like that's being used as an excuse for the behavior. This behavior is directed towards me and my daughter mostly. Hubby gets the best treatment from her. I cook all meals, clean every day, and watch her when she showers so she does not fall. I also get all the grocery's, and pay for everything I need out of my own pocket. I will admit she is rummaging through drawers, re-organizing everything, and taking my things and says it's hers even when I write my name on my things. When confronted, or asked why she’s being this way, she just tells me that she doesn’t like me and wants to be with my hubby only. Hubby works, and I am mostly the one caring for her, I never scream, I learned about SAFE CARE before moved in, and do a lot that tbh seems pointless. Area on Aging, freezes me out every time I call, and I'm scared of the outcome of all of this. Can they charge me with emotional abuse just on her words? Can I be charged with anything just on what she says? I'm at my wits end.
Whether or not she gets diagnosed or if the cause for the abusive behavior is dementia-related really doesn't matter all that much.
No one has to tolerate and live in abuse. You have a little child and even though you are not abusive to her, you are allowing her to live in an abusive situation.
Right now, today you STOP and discontinue ALL caregiving to your husband's grandmother. You let him know and any other family members who need to know today that your caregiving is done.
Starting tomorrow, you start leaving the house with your daughter in the morning and do not return until your husband gets home from work. If you don't have family or a friend whose house you can go to during the day, go to the mall. Go to the library. Go to a woman's shelter. Does your child go to pre-school? That is going to make finding someone where to be during the day easier for you. If she's in school, go get yourself a job.
As of today, all caregiving services from you to the grandmother stop.
You do not feed her or prepare a meal for her. You do not help her with personal care like showering or brushing her hair. You don't help her with anything or do anything for her.
You stop cleaning her house, going to the store for her, and makig sure her errands are run.
Anything of value that belongs to you either has to be locked up or removed from her house.
You're not going to be charged with emotional abuse. Please don't worry about that.
The next time she throws something at you, grab her by the wrist and and get right in her face. Tell her that she will NOT throw things at you. Swear at her if you need to. I was an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and had my share of abusive, violent seniors with and without dementia. A little profanity often works wonders on the abusive behavior of the elderly.
I had a client with dementia who was a biter and a spitter. She bit me hard one time and I slapped her. Not in the face, on her upper arm. Not hard enough to cause damage but hard enough to make a point. I got right in her face too.
She never bit or spit at me again and I worked for around two years for her after that.
It's time for you to grow a set and put an ultimatum to your husband. Either he moves out with you and your child or he chooses to remain with grandma and loses you both.
Stop letting your kid live in abuse. Mark me, grandma will turn on your child too at some point. What then?
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Get your kid out of there.
Talk with a lawyer first find out what the ramifications of that act might be. (Actually you should talk to your husband and if he does not know EXACTLY how you feel you need to tell him)
(can you support yourself and your daughter?)
(will you get child support? spousal support?)
(do you have a place to go? people to be with?)
(the important one..is this something you would do and follow through with?)
This is NOT the environment that you want your daughter exposed to. Your job as a mom is to protect your child.
Anyone can say anything but if there is no proof of what she is saying any investigation will go no further.
you have a choice to remain or leave, your daughter doesn't. It is up to you to protect her.
The one time you said you left, they begged you to come back. Why? You just walked right in to the situation again.
So… only advice is to get used to the abuse and accept you will be second to to grandma until she dies. Hopefully your daughter won’t be hurt, but that is just a risk you are willing to take. Oh well.
Please be very careful with her around ur 4 yr old. This woman is paranoid.
Be very careful about moving back too easily. They may all have a huge interest in finding ways to get you back. Perhaps GMIL living elsewhere is the only condition that would help – and not just respite care, from which she could return.
your husband is a grandmas boy. That’s fine, nothing wrong with loving and having admiration for grandma! BUT you don’t come first, she does. Your his wife, you deserve to come first.
He is using you, she is using you and the family is using you. This is very damaging to your self esteem and most likely, unless a lot of work is done, your marriage will never be the same if you decide to stay.
Please ask yourself if you think you want this long term for you and your daughter
PD is about diminishing motor skills, but not behaviour, unless she is getting dementia which is present in about 40% of Parkinsons.
So it is on your husband to get proper diagnosis and treatments. It is on him to tell granny enough is enough and you deserve better.
I have dealt with this my entire marriage (30 plus years) with my husband. I am telling you, that resentment does not go away. It scares and stays with you for life. Knowing what I know now, I would have left.
I guess you need to decide if you want to stay and be abused or leave.
Me personally, I would leave. Being abused on that level is emotionally and mentally damaging and lowers your self esteem.
Nothing should ‘make you feel guilty’. ‘Fear Obligation and Guilt’ are the biggest jerkers that keep carers in their place. Forget about being the perfect carer, in fact perfect anything.
It sounds as though your husband has no problems. He is treated like the golden boy, and thinks you must be exaggerating, should just ignore it etc. The rest of ‘the family’ are very happy with the way that things are just now. That leaves only one person who can change. You.
Change could range from moving out (as a holiday or a marriage statement) to just stopping all the work you do for GMIL. You don’t have to do it. Until you stop, no-one except you has any incentive to change. Perhaps you could tell us what you are prepared to change, apart from just wishing and hoping.
Do you have family or friends you can move in with while you get a job and get on your feet?
Because the only way this stops is if the hag dies or you move out.
But really do you have any respect for your husband who clearly doesnt care that this is going on? I know I wouldnt.