Hi y'all. We recently moved my grandma into a very nice assisted living facility. She lives in a normal looking apartment with a beautiful view, there are lots of activities each day, and the food is great. The only thing that gives it away are the floor nurses that do check ups every now and then. They are very nice. The issue is, my grandma is having a very difficult time adjusting. I empathize with that. However, she cannot go back to her condo. Just before we moved her out, she had nearly started a fire by leaving papers in the oven and turning it on. She needs to be in this care home for her own safety and well-being. She cannot prep and plan meals for herself anymore and lost 12 lbs due to not eating earlier this year. My question is- how do I show her I empathize with her longing for familiarity while also remaining firm that I will not take her back to the condo where she can't take care of herself?
Some facilities will say / encourage family to 'not visit.'
It is up to you how to proceed / support her.
I like the way you ask your question "how do I show her I empathize ... "
I suggest the way you do this is by being an ACTIVE REFLECTIVE LISTENER.
This means you listen and reflect her words back to her.
i.e., "I hear you saying "you feel sad and want to go home."
You never ever argue with her as you won't win - that only causes emotional upset for her and you. You say "I understand how you feel ... I am sad too" then you stop talking.
You give her room to get out whatever feelings / emotions she has that she can express, or crying if that is her way.
While she is so SO VERY fortunate to be in a nice assisted living facility, this isn't a concern to her now. However, she will be aware of appreciating it 'more' when she adjusts to her new life - style.
It is hard for most people to handle / manage change. It is 200% harder for an older person losing their mental / cognitive abilities - and independence as they have known all their life.
In terms of losing weight, you might try milkshakes or anything that she likes - sweets, pizza ...
Hold her hand.
Look into her eyes.
Smile and tell her you love her.
Perhaps say "I wish things were different TOO"
I wouldn't push her to get into activities or go to the dining room although I would encourage you to take walks with her in common areas and introduce her to others as it feels right.
I really appreciate you as a granddaughter - caring for your grandmother as you are doing. What about your mother? her daughter? Is she in the picture / supporting this transition.
Depending on her cognitive abilities, you might want to tell her that this move is temporary while her place is being repaired / renovated. She may forget with time. If she won't forget, do not tell her this as a way to calm her down.
There is no such behavior as lying when it comes to supporting a person with dementia. You tell them what will keep them as calm as possible, realizing that they are scared, confused, wanting what they had, fearing the loss of independence.
Telling her you understand how she feels is huge. Just let her talk and share yourself emotionally, too. "I feel very sad, too. I love you grandma."
Gena / Touch Matters
She may "adjust" better if she can come to terms with this.
The truth is ... a person with dementia 'will' get used to their environment over time. They will forget the past because their brain cells have died / are dying and they do not remember / recall the past. It takes time to adjust to new surroundings, people, etc.
You are responding as if this is a person in college ...
What this person - and all people with dementia need is: compassion, patience, and an understanding of what dementia is (losing brain cells which means 'forgetting the past" because they do not have the ability to recall / remember. The person learns to trust the immediate day-to-day caregivers, nurses, aides, etc. It does make a huge difference if these employees are compassionate and caring.
Some or many people with dementia 'live in a fantasy world' - re-living growing up on a farm and having company over ... making brownies or lunch for everyone.
We moved Grandma into our home, but we have a more European approach to everything. We have aged homes in my area, but our background has a focus on keeping family together.
That fire could have ended in disaster .... glad that she is okay.
Maybe to get a quick perspective, ask yourself, how you would react if you were moved out of your home into an assisted living facility?
Although what you say expresses COMPASSION for another ... and putting their self in the place of another ... projecting how another feels.
This is huge and very important to do.
Projecting how another feels speaks of maturity and being highly aware and developed. I try to do this in all my interactions, esp when I feel hurt or responded to in ways other than what I expected. Putting our 'self' in another's shoes shows immense maturity and self-awareness.
She will say she didn't ... she won't remember or believe that she did that.
Trying to talk 'logic' to a person with dementia only causes emotional upheaval / upset and a potential argument.
This is exactly what not to to do.
Of course, it depends on the degree of dementia and how the brain functions / what parts are no longer functioning. Still, it is not advised to ever argue or talk logic to a person with dementia. It doesn't work. What works is reflective active listening or non-verbal communcation - smiling, holding their hand ... showing caring. A person with advanced dementia will 'get it' that a person cares by non-verbal communication and very little verbal communication.
I used to say to my client "Oh, I understand... that is interesting ... She had advanced dementia and spoke gibberish - although she really knew I cared and for two years, she always remembered me when I visited (weekly).
Google Teepa Snow ... watch her You Tubes, read her books, take her webinars ... learn how to communicate with a person inflicted with dementia watching Teepa. She is poetry in motion. I learned alot from her.
you can go with her to the cafeteria or other activities? If she has you as a wingman, she may be braver or more likely to try new things or participate in things that she isn’t as comfortable doing alone. Once she has a friend or a couple people she recognizes … she may learn to enjoy having meals with them or doing activities with them. Look at the calendar and see which things you think she’ll most enjoy .. then go to those with her. Help her ease into it. Talk to the positives .. when having a meal, “grandma - this is delicious. How fun that you have your own chef now. You have staff now.” Help her see it from a different point of view. Another idea bring food or treats or something holiday themed like that to give to the people that live in the apartments closest to hers to bridge the gap between strangers and neighbors. Who doesn’t love homemade chocolate chip cookies, as an example. If she finds a friend - everything changes. All the sudden she’s got a reason .. a person to talk to, to go to stuff with, to share her time with. My happiest times in my life are those where I had a close friend nearby.
There is a lot to be said for the soul of a person. I believe it needs as much care as the body. I knew if I could convince her "kids" to allow her the desires of her heart, and live with me, she would thrive, even at the age of 97! My Sons and I borrowed a beautiful twin bed from my sister and we set up an incredibly cute area in our living room. We had her sister's (who has already passed away) chair right beside her bed with giving her the view she loved; the fountain in the pond and being able to watch the people in the community walk about! She came for a "visit" and loved it! I took an accredited care giving course ($) so her "kids would feel more comfortable. She wanted to be with family.
We did everything we could and eventually she lost hope. She started asking her kids if they would allow her to go on. Her vitals were all good every time she was checked. Sitting alone in the nursing facility, in my opinion shorted her already long life. She lost the hope and will to live. Her kids started bringing a hospice nurse in, and when my sons and I stopped in...she went from eating to being given morphine, to not being conscious enough to eat or drink. As she whispered her last words to me, "Pray for strength," I knew the morphine was taking away the rest of her ability to life. She didn't even get a fighting chance to see and witness life outside of the nursing home. Instead, she had to hear the constant beeping and watching people being taken out on gernies.
Now, with that being said, sometimes a family member can't give their loved one their last wishes. I understand that, but for me, if I have a little bit of space and the ability to bring someone in and shower them with love and care for their last bit of life on earth...I'd fight lions and bears to do so (and I did, to no avail). I have told my sons, ''I'd rather die earlier with family, than to live longer in a facility without family." Our dear loved one would have been around her grandsons, listening to them laugh, enjoying their kind-hearted serving (they are 18 & 24), and just enjoyed love. Better that than being sedated and basically starve to death. (No offense to hospice, because they help a lot of people who are suffering. She just wasn't and was fine one day and on morphine the next).
I want to hug you, because what you're dealing with is HARD! Ican feel your love for her and your desire to do what is right. I pray that the Lord guide you in your decision, and He gives you an ear to hear His wisdom on the matter. I hope this may have helped, and not made the feelings worse.
In Christ,
Lisa
VoicesInHeaven dot com
Your grandmother's adult kids did not put her into care out of spite or to be cruel to her. They did it because she needed to be placed. I hope you're not attempting to guilt-trip them now over it.
Good for you taking an accredited caregiving course (whatever that is) but let me tell you something and I say with 25 years as a homecare APCNA, a Hospice-at-Home one and a homecare business owner. Taking a class and having the best of intentions is very different than actually being the caregiver to an elder. You may believe that your 97 year-old grandmother would have thrived under your care. She likely wouldn't have. Your family did you a favor moving her into your place. Don't be hard on them.
God bless your grandmother and she's at peace now. Keep your good memories of her in your heart.
Remember, when she says she "wants to go home" what she's mostly actually saying is "I want things to be the way they were when I was okay." My mom still talks about driving places and going out on her own and all these things she simply can't do — total denial — because they represent the life she had. I can't say enough how hard it is to have this taken away from them. So adjusting is difficult and takes time, and your grandma may never 100% come to it. But most likely, she'll eventually settle into a "new normal" and her happiness will go back up.
Each person is different, and your grandma may be very different than my mom, so I can't give specific recommendations. My most basic advice is to emphasize whatever it is that your grandma values and now has. Is it socializing? Is it not having to clean and make meals? Is it not having to deal with as many bills? Is it the (hopefully) yummy food? Is it the game room, afternoon tea, or religious services right down the hallway? Whatever it is she has now and values, focus on those things. She probably won't admit it, but her condo (although home) was probably overwhelming. This is very common for older single people. So at the very least, she'll likely appreciate the simplicity of her new living situation in time.
And to answer your specific question, show your empathy by just listening and saying you understand. Tell her you can imagine how hard it is, but don't dwell on things too much. What I've found works best is to spend a few minutes acknowledging the feeling, and then pivot to a related positive topic. Asking questions about her far past is often an excellent way to do this. She's probably at a stage where her new memory isn't great, but her older memories are solid. This is your chance to relive those with her through questions. This is also your chance to learn things about her you may not know... her childhood, her wedding day, her time in school, her career, etc. What this also does is remind her that she's had a full life; she's probably done more than she realizes. Hopefully most of it was happy and good. Talking about this reminds her that she mattered and made a difference. Whatever she was good or accomplished at, focus on that. One of the biggest things older people need is to feel valued because our society and culture absolutely suck at providing this. The days of "wise elders" is gone, and people spend more time making fun of them or ignoring them. So, anything that reminds her she's been a valued part of society, life, family, and community is loving and helpful.
You seem like a wonderful grandchild, so she's at least got that. I think you'll be fine. Listen to her, listen to your heart and intuition, and go with that. It's also important to remember that there's often subtext to what people say in her situation. Tune into the underlying feelings instead of the spoken words, and ask. For example, when she asks/mentions about going to the condo, ask what she's missing about it. Then, try to bring that into her life, either literally or figuratively.
Last, don't focus *too* much on the safety issue. It's okay to mention it, but don't dwell on it. Most likely she's in some denial about it, and at the very least, it's a reminder of what she's losing (independence, competence, etc.). So, it's another thing where it comes up, you acknowledge it, and pivot.
I am just curious why your Grandmother is in Assisted Living instead of being in Memory Care where the Staff is very familiar with Alzheimer's and dementia issues, and know how to deal with such?
Another thing to note, if Grandma starts saying she was to "go home", please note that usually means she wants to go back to her childhood home, being with siblings (if any), and be a kid again in happy times. This is when "therapeutic fibs" come in handy, like telling her the house is being painted, or plumbers are working on a major issue. I had to use such with my Mom, and it worked :)
Acknowledge Her Feelings:
Let her know you understand how hard this move is for her. Phrases like, “I know how much you miss your condo and the independence it gave you” can go a long way in validating her emotions.
Recreate Familiarity in Her New Space:
Bring items from her condo, such as her favorite chair, decorations, or family photos, to help her new apartment feel more like home.
Encourage her to participate in activities that match hobbies she enjoyed before.
Frame the Move Positively:
Focus on the benefits of her new home, like the great food, social activities, and beautiful view. Highlighting these positives might help her appreciate the change more.
Set Boundaries with Compassion:
Gently remind her that her safety and health are the priorities. You might say something like, “Grandma, I want you to be somewhere you can be safe and cared for. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you while you were alone.”
Have you considered involving a guardian or care advocate? Sometimes, having someone step in as a neutral party to oversee her safety and well-being can help ease the emotional strain and allow her to live more independently while ensuring her needs are met. A guardian could help her transition smoothly and even revisit the possibility of her living on her own with the right supports in place.
Tell her that you understand how many losses come with aging, and you will be there soon enough, and that you admire the courage with which she has faced her losses. Tell her that you can only imagine how hard this is for her, but that it is necessary now for her safety and well-being. Tell her that the sad truth is that now this is home for her, and she is going to have to make the best of it that she can.
This is one of the few times that "giving hope" is out of the question.
She sees you as a possible means of rescue and escape.
My brother said to me finally, about the necessity that he had to be ALF (and he tried to remain in his last little home, but recognized that with me usually 1/2 the state away he would be a burden and dependent on his helpful community, and happily made this choice HIMSELF)--that this was a bit like being in the army when he was young. He didn't much like it but he would make the best of it. And he did. People react in different ways but there is a period of mourning that isn't unlike the loss of a loved one. For most of us our home is our haven, and is almost a sentient being. This loss comes second only to the loss of your entire mind.
There's no way to make it all happy now, and YOU aren't responsible for her happiness. She will now live out her time as well as she is able. There's no way to make nice-nice out of it and I know you already recognize that from what you are saying.
Be certain not to negate her feelings.
It is now such meaningless platitudes of:
I am so sorry this is so hard.
I hear you and I feel so sad for you.
I hope things will get a bit better as this seems more like home.
Good luck.