I want out of my marriage. Help!

I certainly can identify with you. My late husband was about in the same shape as yours and it was a very difficult situation. Like you, I did not want to live that way and wasn't sure how long it would last. He did pass away after a few years...which were horrible. I stuck it out due to finances mainly...after he passed I was able to move on with my life at age 68 with enough money for the rest of my life. I've met someone who I am in a loving and caring relationship with. BUT am hesitant to remarry!!

Many people are living a life that is not exactly what they wanted (or thought they were getting). Everyone has struggles. People like to put on a “front” and pretend that their lives are perfect, but we all have challenges.

This is your life, your decision and your path. Maybe you stayed because you felt like you “had to” because fifty years ago you made a promise to each other in front of a lot of people, many of whom are now strangers to you or have even passed away. Maybe you feel like your kids, or your parents, or your neighbors, or even the people on this forum would judge you as a bad person if you left. Maybe some of them will. Maybe others will say, “I don’t know how you possibly stayed so long.” It doesn’t matter what they say or think. Please don’t let others guide your decision. Let your own heart guide you. The only approval you need is your own.

Ask yourself, what would you say to a friend who came to you and told you she had been subjected to abuse for many years? You would probably hug her, listen to her concerns and tell her that you support her choice. You would want her to live her best life. You would tell her, “You can do it! You’re still young! Live your life. Seek happiness.”

Be that friend for yourself.

Your story reminds me of a movie that I saw several years ago, an Oscar contender called “Big Eyes.” It was the true story of a woman in an unhappy marriage who chose to start over after finding the courage within herself to leave. Look for guidance and inspiration around you. You have a lot of courage, because you’ve made it this far.

Live the best life you can, for you.

Woman, what on earth is wrong with you. Why on earth would you want this man in your life or your home - think what you wrote - find a way to remove him from your home into a facility and start living your life. You deserve to be free and at peace and be joyful. Get him out of your life - now. Please, please - you have done no wrong. I don't care why people are like this - the point is that when they are this way, YOU MUST MAKE A BREAK BEFORE THEY DESTROY YOU.

You have to follow your heart. It’s over. Plain and simple. Your heart is not in it anymore. Why fake it?

You said it all. “I want out of my marriage.” That’s pretty clear. I don’t think anyone can misunderstand your sentiments.

Question should be, “How long before I can get out?” We can’t answer that. An attorney can help you with that.

I wish you well. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel badly about your decision.

Years ago there was a terrible stigma about divorce. I think the majority of people are accepting and understanding about people divorcing. Some people actually should divorce because they truly are better off living separate lives. The marriage ran it’s course.

Some people even enter a marriage feeling they will stay married as long as it’s a good marriage. Your situation isn’t an issue that can be worked on with marriage counseling. This is quite different. What could a marriage counselor say to help you cope? Nothing.

No one anticipates these complications in their marriage when they are standing at the alter. We are in love! Life happens and our feelings change. Many people divorce for reasons not nearly as serious as you have and they have no qualms. I think you will be relieved.

If you miss anything, it will be about missing what once was, the man your husband was when you loved him. He is no longer that man. Only you can say how you feel. People don’t get to tell you that you should stay married or how to feel.

Relationships end all the time, married or not. It’s a legal issue if you are married so it’s a bit more complicated. I suppose that is why some people don’t desire getting married. They are perfectly happy living together without the ring and marriage certificate.

People have all kinds of stipulations. I have friends that complain because they know if they meet someone they most likely will have been married before with kids. They refuse to date a man with kids because they don’t want to be a stepmom. They want that clean break from an ex, so they don’t have to deal with an ex wife. So everyone has their own desires or needs.

I adore my husband and we have been married 41 years but I think marriage is weird sometimes! Hahaha.

It’s weird how people view marriage. I wanted to live with my husband before marrying him. He did not want to. He wanted a wife. I had to give it serious thought.

I would have been happy to live together for awhile. Honestly, I was a bit afraid to marry. My home growing up wasn’t always harmonious so I tended to fear a relationship at times.

Plus I guess it was kind of feeling like, how do I know I will love this person a million years down the road? I knew that I loved him but it’s kind of strange.

I had a friend who lost her dad when she was young. Her older siblings were alcoholics. Her mom was an alcoholic too. She married young just to get out of the house. So everyone is different. Sadly her marriage ended. Who knows which marriages will last.

I have seen many miserable marriages that I want to scream at them, “For God’s sake, get a freakin divorce!” It would be the kindest thing they could do for each other. Even their kids wanted a divorce to stop the fighting. But you can’t tell people that. I wouldn’t. It’s none of my business. It’s their life.

It’s your life. Do what you want!

You married him for better or worse, how can you desert him now?I know many people like you,but no one leaves. Get help,live in different rooms, pay for his care ,but do not leave him. No one will respect you for that!

In the same situation here! I truly feel for you!!! DH's symptoms began in 1999, after a series of head injuries & manifested as an exacerbation of his personality "quirks." I filed for divorce 5 years ago, when I couldn't take it anymore & the doctor kept saying DH was fine. That I was the one with the problem. He put me on meds instead of further testing DH!!!

It took two years & thorough evaluations by a clinical psychologist & a neurologist to get a diagnosis. They said he would decline quickly with probably only a year or so left. I withdrew my divorce petition to take care of him.

We tried home care 3 hrs twice a week & that wasn't enough. Our social worker found an adult daycare program with transportation provided. Started 3 days a week & moved to 5 days a week when a spot opened.

Adult daycare has been a blessing for both of us! DH was always a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde: beloved at work; giant jerk at home. At daycare he is sweet, friendly & helpful. When he gets home he is tired, hungry & ready to nap.

It may be possible for adult daycare to work for you as your DH segues into residential care. You would have some hours alone to plan & think.

Best wishes for a positive outcome for you & your husband. There is no judgment here, only prayers for peace & joy in your life!

You clearly need help.
But, before you decide you need a divorce, please talk to:
Your husband's doctor.
A good financial advisor.
A good lawyer.

Yes, you need to be free of his verbal and any physical abuse.
He needs to be cared for and safe - not by you, but somewhere.
As his wife you have the power to do both of these things.

I would hate to see either of you not get what you need. That includes your financial security as well as safety if he is still competent.

To all caretakers who are suffering with taking care of their "patients", when it is destroying you ask yourself this: Is it worth what it is doing to YOU and do YOU deserve what is happening? If not, you know the answers. Sometimes things cannot be fixed and you either sink and wither away into dust or you get strong and do what you have to do - move on with your life. Very sad but true. Think about yourself first - you are human and it is the right thing to do.

I know someone in the same situation. Also, my mother had dementia and the same plan had to be used for dementia patients. You will need to have your husband admitted for mental evaluation at a facility for this. Mom was in the psychiatric section at the hospital but there are standalone facilities and they monitored her, checked all of her medications, etc. You can only go visit at certain times on certain days. They are there about 9 or 10 days. While he is there, speak with the case worker to inform them that your husband cannot come back to the residence because you do not feel safe and he is either and that he needs to go to a nursing facility (or memory care facility as they are called). That is really the way it works. So, you will need to contact his doctor and tell him that is what you want to do or make an appointment and go see his doctor. If you take him with you, he will say you are lying, etc. judging from what you described. Please note that as far as my Mom, she had multiple other problems along with the dementia but dementia/alzheimers is enough for them to be evaluated. Get help from the physician by asking him to get him admitted to the evaluation center. Then, you can have him moved to a facility afterwards. At least that is how most people I know have done this. Good luck to you. You are important too. Remember that. You are entitled to some good years in your life. Keep in mind that it is self-pay at the facility unless he has long term care so do some price checking before you venture out & think this through.

Can you get palliative care or hospice to evaluate him for extra care in around the house for him? FOR YOU? ask your doctor....

You are certainly not a monster, and you know it. HE is, though, so take the good advice here, see a lawyer, and get as far away from him as you can.

Get a caregiver that can come into the home. You can also look into respite care that provides relief for CAREGIVERS for short periods. Get a caregiver...you need a break.

I have a question....why on earth are you with your husband if things have not been good for decades? He evidently has a lousy, rotten personality and for whatever reason, you decided to put up with it and now he has severe medical problems which are causing you great harm and distress, emotionally and physically? What on earth is wrong that you can't see the forest for the trees? You no longer owe him anything - that love went out the door years ago. Figure out what to do with him in terms of placement or a caretaker and then walk away - he has made his bed and so let him lay in it. Do NOT allow him to destroy you and take from you the life you have left. You are a fool if you allow that to happen. Don't wait. Seek help from the professionals and the advice of an eldercare attorney. Get away from him - sever your ties and start thinking of YOU and YOUR welfare.

Doing better than you, met in 5th grade and married 73 years. I am the 23 hour caretaker, for spouse, who is housebound now for 3 years. No question of my devotion, and care. No regrets that I can't get out. I believe in "Till death do us part "

You are not a monster!  I find my self in a strange situation with my 63 year old husband who had a stroke, has diabetes, and dementia.  He has been in assisted living for a year now, he is now in a wheel chair and is moved with a lift.  He can no longer stand on his own, the only thing he can do is feed himself.  I love this man and I am committed to taking care of him BUT I am only 53 and do not want to live a lonely life.  I have many hobbies and great friends but that is not enough.  I choose to share my life with a man that knows the situation, understands that my husband is a priority but life is short and I want to live it while I can.  My husband is unaware and my family is in support of me and my "friend"  we just don't speak the words out of respect for the man we all love.  My husband is a shell of the man we all knew and love, but we live for the good days.  You deserve some peace, as hard as it is, you have one life, live it!

Even if your husband was a loving, supportive companion to youpreviously, it is very hard physically, mentally and financially to take care of someone 24/7 with dementia.  That fact that he has been an ass for most of your marriage just adds fuel to the fire.  Sounds like he needs to be in some sort of a facility.  You didn't mention children...do you have adult children?  And if so, what is their take on everything?  Are they willing to help you get him somewhere that can provide the support he needs?  I have heard of people going the ER route when they don't have any other options.

I'm 65 - husband with Parkinson's & Lewy Bodies (a fun dementia causing result from Parkinson's) been together 40 yrs. He is 77. I SO WANT OUT of this situation - and I'm not sure what my biggest reason for not leaving is - Well, yes I do. We just moved to a beachfront condo that I do NOT want to leave. I've worked for 7 years to get here & we finally did - and our world turned upside down overnight. He fell 2 yrs ago and broke his hip - never recovered mentally or physically - He is NOT the same man he was at all. Long explanation short - he's turned into what all of us are hating and complaining about - an evil twin that has emerged and taken residence inside our loved one. We are the only thing they feel they still have a sense of control over - which we all know they don't, but they feel they do and treat us horribly.
So First reason I don't leave is that I would have to sell the beachfront condo. The second reason I don't leave is - "What will everyone think of me?" This is the one I wanted to write about. The thought of what everyone would say...........
Friends - real friends - and one doesn't need fake friends - Real friends know what you are going thru and know that it's killing YOU - What others say? The Hell with them - Anyone who thinks you are horrible for breaking the better or worse, sickness and in health vows - well, they are not in your shoes are they? They will gossip their say - and within minutes will be forgotten.
All I'm saying is, if worrying about what other people will say is a main reason for not leaving - You need to start believing in yourself again and do what's best for you and not worry about self centered nobodies.

Do you have a religious affiliation where you can go to for advice? Or contact your area Adult Senior Protective Services and ask for help. Abandoning the marriage at your age might be a mistake financially but it definitely sounds like you need help now. Perhaps your Dr or the neurologist has a social worker on staff who can help get you to the right agency.

If he has been diagnosed with dementia can you get him admitted somewhere for observation? Sounds like he can no longer care for himself and should be in a facility. What would happen to him if you became ill or incapacitated?

If you feel unsafe I would leave the house and call the police. Wait outside and let them into the house and let them take him to a hospital for diagnosis. You don’t have to take him home. Refuse to take charge of him, cite his abuse and your concerns for your safety. Do you have someone you can call to be with you? This will not be easy.

Be safe and be strong, the man you married is gone, look out for yourself. Let us know what happens, we care about you.

TouchMatters: I know, right.

Yes drewmass that’s what I’m talking about!! You summed it up perfectly. She can put him in a home, live her life, and inherit the marital assets when he dies!!!! I had several family members that did this. It’s a win/win for everyone involved!!

I have family members who have been married a long time. He got Alzheimer’s and his wife took care of him until she no longer could. Hr started getting mean to her and refused to bathe. She finally had to put him in a home for Alzheimer’s. She went on to live her life, played golf, played cards, went out with friends. She didn’t divorce him. He was a multimillionaire!! He died a year later in the nursing home. Why give up all the money? They were married for 60 years!! She’s living comfortably with all of the money, not just half the money!!! If she divorced him she would only get half the money!! Think it through!!!

You're not a monster, not at all, but I think you'll be sorry if you dump him now for the reasons you give. Fifty years is a lot of history to throw away.

Instead, first try getting more help with care so that you're not bound hand and foot to him and feel less tired, unloved, used and abused. Then have another think about the situation and where you want to go with it.

Do what is in your heart.
Don't allow anyone here (or anywhere) to put a guilt trip on you; others who stay(ed) may feel they want to also leave and didn't / don't have the courage to do so. They may be psychologically torn due to religious beliefs.
If others stay with their partner/spouse till the end, that is their choice.
If you want to leave and create some happiness in your own life, you will find a way to do that. I, and so many others here, support your decision 110%.

can he walk with you? Take baby steps, and try to jar his memory about events from the past. Or just walk an say nothing. It's okay. Deep down there is something.And can you imagine havings these symptoms? 24/7... Ask his doctor if you can have hospice or palliative care observation. It's too much for one person, it would be good if you had repreve. Cant hurt to ask. All they will say is no, but they may surprise you. Be nice, and calm, and say I need help. I am almost at the end of the rope here,.... Please Help.

Hire a lawyer and get out of the marriage. You don’t need to take care of him. Get him into a facility or call APS. Go live your life. We only live once!!

Your questions sound like carbon copy of what I have just experienced. My divorce which took over a year and close to $10,000 was just completed. My exhusband becomes more childlike each day We separated about 3 years ago. This was good start to prevent the abusivness Two years later I explained to him that I wanted a divorce but nothing would change with us. I still cook and continued to clean his condo. Recently I hired a cleaning service and now someone local to take him out and check on him couple times a week if I am out of town. I think he understands but one cannot be sure. He seems happy but depends heavily on me. Calls many times during each day.
I suggested you start with separate living quarters and work toward separation and then divorce so you are not liable for his future assisted living costs.

Tough call here and one I cannot make for you. Sending prayers and hugs.

You sound similar to me. My husband always belittled me and thought he was better then me even though I had a Masters Degree. He also thought my family was below his. He cheated on me when I had two children ages 4 and 5. I forgave him for it and when we went through therapy. The therapist warned me upon our final therapy session that this might happen again.However, he promised to be a better husband. NOT. My husband always had the urge to be free and enjoyed his own company.That's what he said but he partyed a lot.
So that is B.S.Fast forward I am 62 years old and he goes to an an island to have a good time. I find out about it and decided to separate. We stayed together for the purpose of benefits. He lived separately from me and came home to help me with outdoor work. He cut down a tree on our property and the tree falls on him and he is now paralyzed. It has been a year and a half and I take care of him. I have divorced him but continue to care for him. He lives downstairs and I upstairs. I am in a quandry on what to do just like you. I too want my freedom. However, I feel guilty with what has happened. He is also depressed and I am afraid he will do something to himself. He is going for therapy for this. It seems that everyone has some good suggestions. I wish this didn't happen as I am sure you did with your husbands dementia. Just wanted to let you know that there are others who have these kinds of issues and feel your pain. I hope that with time we will find a way to solve this. Take care

Hi there, I was in an abusive marriage by a jealous control freak for 10 years- many years ago, these people are psychopaths, they care about nobody else but themselves. Get out ASAP while you still have some life to live and DONT LOOK BACK!!!!!!! Don’t get his permission, see an attorney, set something with his family and LEAVE !!! This is a very bad guy who happen to have dementia, you have put in your dues now it’s time for you.❤️

People here give good advice. It is hard enough when you DO love someone. It must be torture if you don't. Best wishes on your journey.