Is increased arguing correlated to increase dementia?
Hello,
My mom is arguing a lot more even with me, getting more snappy than ever, about petty things. She complains more about me when someone else is around. It normally starts with some spark, like I'm ordering things from the Internet too much, then out of the blue goes into why I'm telling her I do all the caring and none of the other siblings help, which is a fact btw.
She interprets telling her how useless I think my other siblings are as me having an argument with her. Even if that conversation happened weeks ago and has not come up all that time, she brings it back and tells someone else; that I should be just doing the caring without any recognition and talk about doing it. The majority of the time it has been that way, but there have been times when I've said I'm not your only sibling, but I'm going all the hard work, then I elaborate into why each one of them has not done anything for her care.
That's the reason I joined this forum I guess, moral support, sometimes keeping my sanity support.
Her being grateful is a very rare these days, not like in the past. I'm doing the caring, but still being treated like a kid, and still get the nagging.
My mom doesn't wear a hearing aid, all the time, and refuses to wear it all the time, I've heard it alot on this forum, still don't know why this is common when people age; this alone would help stop many arguments. Arguments spark off with just one mis-heard word, instead of focusing on the interesting thing I was talking to her about. I'd love to be able tell my mom about the news and interesting things happening in the world, but many times they end up as ararguments or being cut short, for instance; what does it matter to us for.
The missing items talk has increased and I'm always throwing stuff out even if I hadn't, or I'm moving things.
I've never felt like this before with my mom before, but increasing there are times when I have to think should I even talk to her about something in case she shouts or starts to argue and most of the time they are basic things like shall I make coffee or do some chore for her.
She has health conditions arthritis of knees and heart value issues, which could be part of her fustration due to the lack of being able to do less and being becoming less independent.
She remembers a lot from the past still and even recall many short term events, there some changes in the very short term events like in minutes and hours.
Is there a saying that people are angrier with the ones closest to them, is it arguing more about the fustration of being able to do less and will increasing be completely dependent on others and taking out on close ones or is it early stages of dementia? Maybe a combination of both.
I know many will point into doing tests with the doctor. We have gossiping doctor surgery, and want to try and avoid others knowing. I personally believe that oath doctors take doesn't hold up anymore and nothing remains private anymore.
Are there any home tests for dementia?
Thanks you.
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Do you not understand that they are her CHILDREN?
It takes TWO TO ARGUE and you are one of them, and you are the one with a whole brain.
You also don't seem to understand that one of the hallmarks of dementia is believing that misplaced or gone things have been "stolen".
If you are the one doing caregiving you can forget about/let loose of "grateful" at once. YOU just volunteered to be the most unpopular person in her planet. The daughter goes from being a loving daughter to a caregiver. The caregiver is the jailer, the one who sets the laws, the one with demands "You aren't clean enough, you need a shower, you need to eat, did you take your pills" and I could go on for hours. You will not be liked. You will not be thanked. You will be fought. You represent but one more loss in many losses.
Sadly, I think that your note to us reflects a definite lack of education about dementia. I recommend starting with Teepa Snow videos (many on youtube) where you will see actual interactions.
There is no shame in saying that caregiving 24/7 in home may not be for you. It surely wouldn't be for me! And I learned my limitations early on as a nurse. Easy enough to do three days a week with 5 weeks vacation, fabulous pay and benefits, 12 sick days and 12 holidays. In fact, a delight. But 25/7. Nope. Not for me. And may not be for you either.
Start with ways to educate yourself about the particular dementia you are dealing with. Alz.org has great info.
Then make honest decisions for the future.
And arguing? That's off your place now and forever. YOU are now the responsible one. SHE IS NOT.
Of course the test showed she had hearing loss in both ears. Then the battle of the cost of hearing aids ensued. She thought the Audiologist was "making a commission" on the hearing aids he recommended to us (he was not and in the end she bought them at Costco).
Fortunately she lives next door to me so I always go there in the morning to put them in for her. It has helped a lot. When she starts talking to me without them in I point to my ears and ask if she has them in. Then I never continue talking to her until I get them in for her.
But yes, arguing over dumb stuff, accusing, griping, fretting... it's all part of the package. One thing that did help my Mom was the lowest dose of Lexapro for depression. You might want to consider this for your Mom. She stopped driving this summer and got a formal diagnosis.
You will just need to avoid certain topics with her from now on for forever. Or distracting and redirecting the conversation if it turns negative or attacking. If all else fails to get her off the topic I would just walk away without saying a word and then stay away. I walk away from my Mom or out of her house or hang up on her regularly. I still work part time and have a life outside of being her entertainment committee. And I don't feel guilty doing it. It is what it is. I hope this helps.
She was also extremely combative, which I think may have been an attempt to control and direct all conversations. She would steer away from anything she didn’t understand, or start such an ugly fight that we’d walk away.
I developed a certain tolerance for verbal abuse because my mother was an alcoholic. Alcoholism is an illness. I noticed that dealing with any type of brain disorder, mental illness or dementia, there are similarities in the verbal abuse factor and sometimes violent behavior. I've had clients that had borderline personality disorder along with physical health issues. It was scary as hell. I didn't stay on these cases long. One thing I learned is that you keep one leg length from someone who is verbally agitated. Keep yourself between the person and your back to the doorway. Keep your cell phone with you and fully charged (in case you need to call for help) along with your house keys.
So, yes; they do get very argumentative and very difficult. My suggestion is don't argue. You can try all of that stuff on the internet, but those people are not living your life on a daily basis. And no, that simulated skit online does not replace real life situations where a client does not calm down and may proceed to hitting or hurting their spouse. This happened to two elderly couples living in my complex. One woman didn't recognized her husband any longer and attacked him on a regular. They both had dementia, and an aide came in to help them with their personal care and housekeeping tasks.
The second couple was a church going couple and would attend neighborhood meetings and did the orange hat patrol in the neighborhood. Her husband got dementia and started hitting her. One time he knocked her down and threatened to kill her with a tire iron. Her son told me about this. He said that his father would say horrible and hurtful things to him. The son moved from another state to help out his parents. I don't think the father ever went to a nursing home. The two couples were related. Both brothers had dementia around the same time. I knew both of these elderly men years before the dementia set in, and both of them were the most respectful and kindest souls you would ever meet. Dementia changed all of that in a matter of a few years.
It's hard and painful for caregivers. My suggestion is to carve out time for yourself. Don't cut yourself off from church activities, friends, family and hobbies. Stay connected to your activities. Stay up on your own healthcare.
All the feelings everyone feels and are talking about are real. Don't beat yourself up. Talk to her Drs and they will guide you to home health and social workers. Good luck on this journey.
To me it sounds like this is more of a hearing problem than a dementia problem, and I would insist that your mom wears her hearing aids all the time or I just wouldn't interact with her until she does.
And you are correct in saying that our loved ones do take out their frustrations on those closest to them so...tag, your it!
It also sounds like you're instigating a lot of the arguments and issues by throwing in her face all the good that you do compared to your siblings and then "elaborate into why each one of them has not done anything for her care."
I mean what do you expect her response to be with you when you talk junk about her other children?
I'm not sure why you're living with your mom, but it sounds like you just need a break. Plan a 2 week vacation to one of your favorite places and mom can either go into respite while you're away or perhaps one of your siblings will step up to look after her.
And if after your wonderful vacation your moms care is still just too much for you perhaps it best that you look into moving out and giving mom the option of moving to assisted living or hiring in-home help on her dime.
Either way you'll be off the hook and get your life back and get back to just being moms advocate and not her burned out caregiver.
I'm at my witt's end.
I, 57 female, relocated from another state. I've been gone 30 years. My mom turned 80 last month. I came home about 5 months ago to be with her and take care of her.
I am staying with her in her senior apartment until I can figure where I want to move, what I want... the areas have all changed & I'm trying to get readjusted to my home city.
It has been a complete nightmare for me since day one. she's got chemo brain from cancer 2 years ago so, a lot of things especially recent or short term... she doesn't remember. but she does remember tons of things & things that happened a long time ago. She plays memory games, watches Shorts vids & tons of news.
But she can never remember where she put something so this happens every day.. we're always looking for something she can't find and then it's blaming me that I did something with it... I told her she's always attacking me when she can't find something...she doesn't take responsibility for her memory loss so that's an argument as well.
We have multiple arguments over the stupidest things. Like, bottle tops... she blamed me because she couldn't find them so, of course I HAD to have done something.
lt's me always defending myself & we begin arguing because she feels it's her "house" and she can say whatever she wants.. so basically talking to you any kind of way which is just insane to me.
I can't handle the environment or this situation. My insides feel like they're exploding. It's hard. So, I'll shut down and stop talking. I haven't talked to her in 2 days.
I'm tired of arguing & I just feel like leave ME ALONE!
Our arguments are like tsunamis and it's never over anything important. It's always something stupid like 2 days ago she was yelling at me because she said I was in the bathroom too long.
Today, as I speak, I have not spoken to her in 2 days. She complains about everything & is the most negative person I have ever met.
It makes me feel bad because here I am arguing with my 80-year-old mom. I'm supposed to love her but at the same time just being around her makes me feel like I can't stomach her.
My doctor put me on pills. They make me extremely sleepy so I can't take those. I tried therapy once.
So my strategy is, when she comes around because I don't want to hear her mouth, I immediately put in my earphones. And I keep my distance & just work at my desk all day unless I go somewhere & I talk to my friends.
I have learned, you gotta let go.. you gotta let them live however it is that they're living, try your best to protect yourself & whatever that means for you.... because they will drag you straight to hell. You'll end up sick, suffering, exhausted, full of anxiety & depressed!
And when they can't do it anymore then, it's time to come in and take over and place them in a facility/nursing home or whatever!
This is by far, the most awful situation I have ever been in!:-(
I do NOT recommend moving in with them or moving them in with you. You'll hate it unless you have an easy going, super sweet, kind mom who allows you to help without her being combative.
I wish you well, peace & serenity!
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