My 94-year-old mom was hospitalized on Memorial Day after a fall. Her 3rd fall in 3weeks. She spent the month of June in short term rehab, where they insisted she was strong enough to be released to her home on 6-30-2023, even though I told them she lives alone and still can’t go to the bathroom without help, not to mention dress herself, feed herself, etc. They set her up with home healthcare a couple hours a week. I did not think this was enough but they insisted she could be alone in the house. She fell again on 7-1-2023. She is completely incontinent, refuses to even try to get up without my being there to help her in her walker or wheelchair. After spending most of the day that she fell in the ER with her, we set up a plan to put her into a nursing home. She agreed she would go there. I felt good about it at the time. Of course, because of the holiday, she is still in my care until 7-5-2023. She is virtually helpless. I am stressed out of my mind. Today I am beginning to feel remorse that I am taking away her independence and betraying her. What is wrong with me? I know she has no choice given her current condition and this is best for her safety, but I am so upset by all of it.
You are doing what is best for her and all concerned.
Upset is normal however you need to reframe your thinking, you are helping her not hindering her.
Nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse, with aging there is no better, there is no betrayal only your grief that she no longer is the person you once knew.
If necessary, get some therapy to help you through this difficult time.
Sending support your way.
Old age and the diminishment of our abilities comes to us all, whether we have children or no.
Even so, at times I have flashes of guilt. Probably the realization that both our lives have changed and life won’t be the same.
Please take time for you - to process all these emotions. Wishing you peace in the midst of these changes.
What is wrong with you? You answered that question. You’re stressed out of your mind. Stop rethinking it and give yourself the credit you deserve. Get mom where she needs to be and take her some cookies. The aides too.
That said, it's natural to feel guilty and sad over having to make such decisions. Then we often get to hear guilt trip lingo from chronic SNF-phobic posters here on the forum who should be ignored. In a perfect world, we'd all die before old age diseases and conditions set in to a degree we'd need managed care or help wiping our own butts. But we don't live in a perfect world and often have to make hard choices from a selection of ALL bad choices. Such is life.
My mother lived in a nice Memory Care Assisted Living facility for the last 3 years of her life, in a wheelchair, with advanced dementia and incontinent with severe neuropathy in both legs. She was beautifully cared for by "her girls" as she called them, and had a decent quality of life, too. In her condition, it was the best of a bad situation. I didn't feel guilty about the situation, but I always felt sad and tearful whenever I saw her.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
Her options at this point are allowing caregivers come in and care for her 24/7 OR go to Assisted Living if this is the level of care that she needs.
A "nursing home" is what is now called Skilled Nursing facility and it is for people that require move medical attention. Assisted Living is for people that need help with ADL's (Activities of Daily Living such as toileting, bathing, fixing meals, dressing and so on)
And you are not taking away independence, from your description she is not independent. What you are taking away is the Illusion of independence.