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My mom refused physical therapy and now she can’t get it anymore. Now she’s refusing dental care. She lost her bridge and has to have her teeth replaced not to mention and she’s not brushing her teeth. She’ll end up loosing her teeth! . What am I supposed to do? I can’t be there all the time to make sure she showers, gets treatment.
It’s exhausting to go see her in this condition. I can’t be the one to do this for her. I have no help from my 1 Sibling and family is out of state.
I’m just getting back my health from almost having a nervous breakdown because of her.



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I really appreciate your honest answers. I DO have to stop running myself into the wall. Thanks again for the sanity check. This forum is so helpful!
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Reply to WendiG
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AlvaDeer Sep 29, 2024
Thanks so much, Wendi, for coming back to us and letting us know anything said helped you. So few return to let us know.
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According to your profile, mom lives in a SNF with dementia. Physical therapy is a waste of time and nearly impossible with dementia, as is understanding the need for oral hygiene and hygiene in general. When her teeth get bad enough, they'll need to be pulled out with sedation. You have to accept that your mother is going to keep going downhill from here as she approaches end of life, and she's safe in the SNF. You having nervous breakdowns over trying to manage an unmanageable situation is senseless. If she was living with you, I could understand your level of angst.

Nobody wants to see their mother like this. I didnt when my mother was in Memory Care Assisted Living, that's for sure. I prayed daily for God to take her out of her misery, actually, bc there is no good answer to dementia otherwise. It's not their fault they're sick, and it's not our job to cure them. Its our job to love them and accept they're sick, leaving the rest in God's hands and in the facility's hands.

Visit once a week, bring some goodies and small gifts, and that's it. Don't give up YOUR health for something you cannot fix. That's my suggestion. You can advocate for your mother, as I did for mine, and get hospice involved when the time is right, as I did, but that's it. I made sure mom had antidepressants and Ativan to keep her as calm as possible, and I loved her. She passed at 95. It was a relief, tbh.

Good luck stepping back a bit and caring for YOURSELF.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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WendiG, you have several other posts about your Mom and her resistance and your burnout. You have gotten many responses telling you that you are not responsible for your Mom's happiness or care. You keep slamming yourself into the brick wall.

Your marriage and your spouse are the #1 priority. This is what you should feel guilty about, not your Mom. There are other solutions for her basic care... you just need to accept them. Stop acting like you're her only solution. You are not.
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funkygrandma59 Sep 24, 2024
Preach it Geaton! You are spot on.
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Your mother's health is only going to get worse with or without physical therapy and dental work. It's absurd to even consider putting an 80-year old with (advanced?) dementia through dental surgery to remove and replace her teeth. You can tell her to brush her teeth until you're blue in the face and nothing will change because her brain is broken. Ask the nursing home to puree her food if she can no longer chew properly.

No one is forcing you to put yourself through this agony you describe in your profile. And stop expecting your sister to help you. She has made her choice and just because you don't like it does not mean it's wrong. Some people are just better at establishing healthy boundaries in dysfunctional families and situations.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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Stop trying to fix Mom’s problems .
Our society has us think we are supposed to fix all the elder’s problems .

Get more comfortable with Mom’s refusal of care . Let Mom choose to let things go and leave this world on her terms . A lot of old people in nursing homes have no teeth or bridges and refuse to see the dentist . And PT is also frequently refused or not successful at this stage .

Mom isn’t going to get better . Let the facility handle her . You focus on making yourself better .
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Reply to waytomisery
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What should you do?

You should adjust to the reality of her condition and let the SNF staff do what they do.

It's not up to you to make her happy or better. You can't. Don't do yourself in by catering to her wants. Visit as often as is good for you which sounds like a lot less than your are doing now. Your mother is a complainer. That reflects on her, not on you.

My mother was a complainer too. I lived 5 hrs drive away and only visited a few times a year. I kept in touch with the staff so I knew what was going on and that she was well cared for. I did it at a distance and didn't worry about details. She was never happy and often it was "my fault". Whatever. That song gets tiring after a while.

Your first priority is you and your physical and mental health. No one is benefitting by you putting your mother before your own mental health. You are suffering and your husband is suffering. Look after yourself and your marriage. Do not put your mother ahead of you and your husband.

Start making changes today. Visit less often. So what if mother complains. She is going to complain whatever you do or don't do. Don' let her complaining drive your choices. Make your choices in light of what is good for you and your hub and come back and let us know how you are doing.

All the best for a better future.
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WendiG Sep 29, 2024
Thank you. I am making change a very necessary priority.
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I told my mother that if she no longer wants to see doctors, I will no longer fight her on it. She knows the consequences
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AlvaDeer Sep 29, 2024
She will likely be relieved that you won't fight for her to fight for her life. She is likely ready to let go of her life. She would just appreciate your support in being able to do that with dignity and grace. I am 82, and know whereof I speak.
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My mother, now deceased, went to rehab last year. She just did not want to do the PT. I tried to encourage her she was not invested in doing it. I really could not get her to try harder.

I don't think it was laziness, I think she just was giving up because her body had enough at the age of 95. I do think there is a time in life when people do just that and you can't do much about it.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Acceptance of what you cannot change is a great gift to give yourself
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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And these issues are your problems why???
And please don't tell me that it's because you're trying to receive the love that you never received as a child as that just ain't gonna happen.
I'm sorry that your mom messed you up so bad, and I do hope that you have a good therapist that will help you untangle the hot mess of emotions, and false sense of obligation you feel towards a person who yes gave you birth, but doesn't deserve being in your life.
Your health has suffered enough and it's time you say enough is enough. I hope you will be strong enough to do just that, and make yourself a priority once and for all and get on with living and enjoying your life.
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