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We moved mom with dementia from her home to Memory Care 6 weeks ago presenting it as a rehab to get to bottom of stomach issues. That worked for about 10 days after which she said they weren’t doing surgery there and she wanted to go home. We met with her and with staff and said doctor wanted her to stay 90 days so they could adjust diet and adjust meds to get her feeling better. She participates in almost all the activities but as soon as a minute free she is in nurses office insisting we are picking her up. She has had her stuff packed in bags for weeks and when we visit she says are you here to get me, I am all packed. Mom tells us to go to hell when we say no just to visit and she has to stay for a few months. They increased antidepressant and added anxiety meds. She has ocd and she is hyper focused on leaving. Staff is saying they want to tell her she is staying. They think she fixates on it more which a timeline and her dementia is not so severe that she is going to forget. Outside social worker says absolutely not, it would devastate her. So confused as to which way would be better. I agree she will not forget and just settle, but is it too soon to tell her? She thinks there is nothing wrong with her and she can take care of herself. We were paying a caregiver for a year to do groceries, make food and spend a few hours with her daily at home who mom thought was a paying tenant. Things were getting worse and safety was becoming a major concern. Thoughts on easing the transition for her?

Thanks everyone. They increased her dosage of antidepressant and it seems to be having some effect at least today. She was much less agitated and didn’t immediately demand to leave. It came up but she seemed to be accepting she is there a couple of months. Will take some time to see if meds continue to help. If she is calmer no reason to rush the discussion of staying longterm. Fingers crosssed.
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Reply to KCsMom
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When I placed Mom in an AL she was entering at least her 6th Stage. She had lived with me almost 2 years. We told her she was going to a new apartment and would meet new people. She excepted that.

Six weeks is not a long time to adjust to the MC now being her home. I may go with the MC before a SW though. Maybe it would be better if she is told this now is her home. She probably will be mad but may adjust. When she confronts you, you say for now this is how it has to be becausevshe is not safe at home, Everyone is different. You can't lump people together.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Sadly, dementia thinking is not predictable and people who have dementia often struggle with sadness, depression, anxiety, fixations, regardless of where they are. Assuming she is told she’s there to stay, then she may fixate on convincing someone she should not stay. So, it probably doesn’t matter. Settling in and being happy never works for some people.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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Can you not just say that she has stay there until her doctor says it's ok for her to return home? That little "fiblet" has seemed to work for many folks over the years.
And as you know there will come a time that she won't remember what you've told her anyway, so it may be worth a shot.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I think you need to tell her even more of the truth. You “were paying a caregiver for a year to do groceries, make food and spend a few hours with her daily at home”. The caregiver was NOT “a paying tenant”, you were paying her. M is not able to live at home, and you are not able to care for her. You lied to her.

Perhaps this “would devastate her”, but only the truth is going to make things clear to her. Not understanding reality isn't doing her much good either.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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funkygrandma59 Dec 7, 2024
Margaret, you say that "Not understanding reality isn't doing her much good either" however you know that folks with dementia don't live in our "reality" but live in their own version of it, so the odds of the OP's mom "understanding" much of anything is slim to none at this point and will vary from day to day. Sad but true.
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Tell her the truth . Stop giving her false belief that it’s temporary , in this case it’s not helping.

She will likely continue insisting she can take of herself . Prepare to keep having the same conversation that she needs to stay for her safety .
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Reply to waytomisery
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I also think you should be truthful. However, be prepared that she will continue the think she is only temporarily there. And this may be on a continuous lopping scenario whenever you visit. With the dementia it may be progressing and entirely not evident yet. The truth may not stick with her although it is best that she be told the truth. Whether it be the dementia or her denial of the truth it will always be difficult because she will not want to be there ever.

I am in a similar situation with my uncle. He has been in a long-term care since July after 100 days of rehab that wasn't successful in him gaining mobility. Due to dementia or denial as a self preservation mode, he is incapable of realizing that he is not well needs to remain in the NH. Every time I visit he is insistently saying his is improving, walking and going to be going home in a few weeks. I have told him the truth and he gets sad, mad and then denies he is not mobile. Then the next visit he never remembers our previous conversation and the loop starts over. It is exhausting and it never changes.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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Thank you. I don’t expect miracles either way, she is going to be angry regardless. If truth helps ease the repetition in her head, that would be a win.
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Reply to KCsMom
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I think if one medication isn't working you may be stuck with trying other things, so partially you are stuck with any answers that modern medicine can come up with.

There is no real transition for some. Ever.
I am afraid I am on the side of the staff. I don't believe in lies to elders and think it adds to unrealistic hope and more confusion. I can't say that telling the truth will make a difference, either. Sadly, this is the face of worsening dementia.
I wish I had better things for you. But lying to you and saying "Oh, this will be better in a month or two" just prolongs things. Doesn't it?

I wish you the best. I am so very sorry.
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