We moved mom with dementia from her home to Memory Care 6 weeks ago presenting it as a rehab to get to bottom of stomach issues. That worked for about 10 days after which she said they weren’t doing surgery there and she wanted to go home. We met with her and with staff and said doctor wanted her to stay 90 days so they could adjust diet and adjust meds to get her feeling better. She participates in almost all the activities but as soon as a minute free she is in nurses office insisting we are picking her up. She has had her stuff packed in bags for weeks and when we visit she says are you here to get me, I am all packed. Mom tells us to go to hell when we say no just to visit and she has to stay for a few months. They increased antidepressant and added anxiety meds. She has ocd and she is hyper focused on leaving. Staff is saying they want to tell her she is staying. They think she fixates on it more which a timeline and her dementia is not so severe that she is going to forget. Outside social worker says absolutely not, it would devastate her. So confused as to which way would be better. I agree she will not forget and just settle, but is it too soon to tell her? She thinks there is nothing wrong with her and she can take care of herself. We were paying a caregiver for a year to do groceries, make food and spend a few hours with her daily at home who mom thought was a paying tenant. Things were getting worse and safety was becoming a major concern. Thoughts on easing the transition for her?
Six weeks is not a long time to adjust to the MC now being her home. I may go with the MC before a SW though. Maybe it would be better if she is told this now is her home. She probably will be mad but may adjust. When she confronts you, you say for now this is how it has to be becausevshe is not safe at home, Everyone is different. You can't lump people together.
And as you know there will come a time that she won't remember what you've told her anyway, so it may be worth a shot.
Perhaps this “would devastate her”, but only the truth is going to make things clear to her. Not understanding reality isn't doing her much good either.
She will likely continue insisting she can take of herself . Prepare to keep having the same conversation that she needs to stay for her safety .
I am in a similar situation with my uncle. He has been in a long-term care since July after 100 days of rehab that wasn't successful in him gaining mobility. Due to dementia or denial as a self preservation mode, he is incapable of realizing that he is not well needs to remain in the NH. Every time I visit he is insistently saying his is improving, walking and going to be going home in a few weeks. I have told him the truth and he gets sad, mad and then denies he is not mobile. Then the next visit he never remembers our previous conversation and the loop starts over. It is exhausting and it never changes.
There is no real transition for some. Ever.
I am afraid I am on the side of the staff. I don't believe in lies to elders and think it adds to unrealistic hope and more confusion. I can't say that telling the truth will make a difference, either. Sadly, this is the face of worsening dementia.
I wish I had better things for you. But lying to you and saying "Oh, this will be better in a month or two" just prolongs things. Doesn't it?
I wish you the best. I am so very sorry.