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I don’t want this to be long I’m looking for different perspectives. My sister lives with my mom and is supposed to be her “caregiver” my mom used to text me because she is so lonely. I work graveyard shift and am also experiencing a cancer reoccurrence and am exhausted all the time. Prior to this I would take my mom to all her appointments because it was “inconvenient”


for my sister. Even though she doesn’t go anywhere. Work or otherwise. Her kids do school online. So when I became ill again I expected my sister to handle my moms many appointments. She is in severe pain all the time. So I get the appt reminders also and I’ve discovered she is not being taken. I had to go to their house because my sister called and said she thought mom was having a stroke. I told her call 911. I’ll come over right now. I had just gotten home from a brain MRI after also working all night. So I was exhausted. I got there. EMT arrived. They took my mom to hospital. My sister said she couldn’t go and asked me to. I went. As I sat with my mom we began having conversations about finances and how I was concerned about how she was feeling. She said she was sad and hurt that she was being yelled at for going into the fridge. My mom cannot walk. So she often soils herself. Etc. she can’t walk and is told she is disgusting etc. just really very mean and what I feel is abusive behavior towards my mom from my sister her boyfriend and her two kids. My sister is 39 she plays video games all day. Her boyfriend works “under the table” very infrequently. He spends his money on pot. And my sisters two kids 16 and 11. The older child is mildly autistic and does online school because my sister is super paranoid about the whole covid thing. Every thing is an excuse with her. So my mom pays for everything. My grandmother recently passed and left an inheritance that was broken down. However my sister is receiving everything claiming she takes care of mom. So she uses my saving accounts for certain shopping outlets. So I have receipts in the digital cloud for everything. She spends upwards of $600 dollars every 5-6 days on groceries. She goes to amusement parks. Hotels etc. spends all kinds of money on electronic devices for everyone. I told my mom. When you run out of money what is going to happen. Prior to her receiving the inheritance my brother and I were buying groceries. I was already strapped due to my many medical bills but I felt bad for the kids and couldn’t let them starve. But then my sister just didn’t do anything to help any situation. The boyfriend refuses to get a paycheck job because he owes child support back pay. That’s a red flag. So my question is this. Do I just wash my hands of this. Or do I step in and take POA and place my moms money in a trust and hire an actual caregiver that isn’t going to hurt my mom emotionally. My sister won’t even do my moms laundry. My mom has enabled this situation by not demanding they pay their way. Even before my became disabled my sister and boyfriend freeloaded. My sister plays victim constantly. Now I don’t even get calls on holidays. She passive aggressively invited me to dinners with other sibling dinners then immediately told oh Nevermind no room. It’s disgusting. I feel like she doesn’t want anyone interfering with her agenda. Help me understand what steps I should take. Do I call APS on my sibling?

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It sounds like you are struggling both with your health and keeping your job to be much help to your mother. I know you want what's best for your mother but I wouldn't touch this situation with a ten foot pole under the circumstances you are finding yourself in.

You need to take care of yourself and keep your job, so that you have medical insurance, and treat your cancer. You have a right to do this. Your needs come first.

Your mother is enabling and created this situation. I really don't know what can be done or what APS would actually do to fix this. If your mother doesn't like what's happening she could tell your sister to get out. But she hasn't, has she? She just complains to you about it.

Also why is your sister using your savings accounts for certain outlets? Close your accounts. You are being taken advantage of. Stop being a doormat.
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Diagalish Dec 2023
Your advice is likely the only way to go. I truly appreciate your wise advice. Honestly I feel like my mom created a monster with my sister. I am a realist. What happens when my mom moves on to the other side right? My sister has zero life skills. I can only imagine life will be a huge wake up call for her.
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How does your sister have access to YOUR savings account.

Move that account tomorrow.
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This sounds like elder abuse.
Please report this to APS.
If you get no action from an APS investigation it may be time to seek the advice of an Elder Law Attorney as soon as possible.

You are going to need, it sounds like, for your own good and for your health, to step back. Let APS know this and let them know you have no way to know what is happening here but suspect elder abuse.

Best of luck and hope you'll update us. I wish you well regarding your own health as well. So sorry you are going through all of this.

I am certain you must know that such a person should have no access to or knowledge of your bank accounts, Dia.
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I agree it sounds like elder abuse. It gets complicated if the elder allows the abuse. (Co-dependance, fearful of speaking up, or fearful of change).

I am not sure how your sister is accessing YOUR bank account? It seems you are in the mix of enabling this situation too?

You can change that. Withdraw your financial & driving support BUT what would the fallout be? Would Mom be the one to suffer?

You may benefit from calling a helpline, Lifeline, Elder Abuse line or similar for some advice on how to proceed. How to step back from enabling without adding risk to Mom. Then how to alert agencies who can help to Mom's situation.
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Clearly, your sister and her boyfriend are mooching off of mom and you!

Why are you spending money for her shopping and entertainment? Nip that in the bud before she drains you dry.

Personally, I would not be comfortable with your sister caring for your mom.

Do you want to have POA? You have serious health concerns of your own.

Can you help to get your mom placed in a facility? She will receive care from a professional staff 24/7.

You won’t be stressed out being concerned about her not being cared for properly. Then you can focus on your own health.

Your sister sounds extremely selfish and abusive towards your mother.
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This is additional to my post since I am the poster. My daughter recently received a call from my mother where it was obvious my sister didn’t know, nor my mother for that matter, that the call was picked up by voicemail and recorded the hostile anger my sister spoke to my mom with. Demanding to know who she was calling and that she needed to hang up immediately. I need to clarify the “my account” what I mean with this is perhaps a better description is “club” accounts where your receipt information and purchase history is stored. At this point I am certain my sister is aware I have this information as she has recently stopped using club member associated with myself. The problem for her is that it’s too late. I have so much spending shown with my mom’s card that doesn’t just provide for basic necessities but things like Wagyu beef and top of the line meats and cheeses. Purchasing the health and hygiene products for the boyfriend and his alcohol. I tried to speak with my mom recently about it and this is when the hostility from my sibling became glaringly obvious. I honestly don’t know what to do. Perhaps I wash my hands of it. However what happens when the money runs out? Do I allow my mom to become homeless? At this point for me my health exam results are far worse than I anticipated and don’t see me being able to help. In fact I am certain the stress could make my condition rapidly deteriorate. I think I have to call APS for the sake of my mom. Even if nothing at least the sibling will be aware that someone is watching
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