My mom has always been narcissistic. As she has aged it has become very concentrated. My siblings have completely left. They got tired of being manipulated and guilted. I am now 63 years old. My daughter needs me at times to babysit my grandchild. I love time with her and don’t mind helping out. It is very seldom. but she lives far away. My mom has told me that I should tell my daughter no and that she needs me more. She has a tantrum and gets hysterical when I tell her I want to help my daughter. Sometimes she actually creates a crisis so I can’t go. I feel so miserable now. It may be hard to believe but I’m confused about who to help. Deep down I want to help my daughter and spend time with my grandchild. It is hard to enjoy my time with them when my mother is acting out like this. Does anyone have any useful advice or similar experiences? Also does this sound like an unhealthy reaction?
Daughter and grandchild come first. Your mother needs to find a new hobby besides manipulating you.
You are an adult. Do what you WANT to do.
Unhealthy? Yes. I would never tell my adult children what to do. She sounds like a terribly entitled person, used to pushing people to do her bidding.
If you are unable at this time in your life, after a lifetime with your mother, to make this decision for yourself I don't think that a Forum can decide it for you. I really would like to suggest you think about perhaps seeing a Licensed Social Worker who is in private counseling practice. I suggest a SW over a regular therapist because you don't need any sort of "Freudian" analysis of what went wrong with baby, but rather a solid and concrete approach to make your life better TODAY for YOU.
I wish you the very best.
Above is your post from February that I am sure you got some good answers. You are 63, Mom is 96 and Dad is gone and u devote one day a week to Mom. You talk to her an hr every night.
What boundries have u tried to set since Feb? Your daughter and grandchild trump your Mom. The only way ur Mom knows ur watching ur grandchild is if you tell her. Stop telling her. I see no problem calling her daily for a check in but it does not need to be an hour. One day a week to shop and run errands, see no problem. But you set the boundries not Mom. She needs you more than u need her. Tell your Mom that your family is #1. Their needs come before hers. I so hope u have stuck by your guns and she is not living with u. Tell her if she wants to be waited on hand and foot, to go to an AL.
Did the social worker say that Mom can’t live alone ? That would help getting Mom placed in AL , which you said is overdue.
Also go visit your granddaughter and daughter and whatever family or friends you want on your terms . Too bad on Mom . She either accepts the help you provide or she can get it from paid caregivers in her home or in AL. She does not own you.
Check out this article too, it's been of great help to me in recognizing passive-aggressive covert NPD traits:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Mom is playing you like a fiddle, pressing all the buttons she INSTALLED on you. You're now feeling guilty for wanting to spend time with your own grandchildren........mom loves it when her plan comes together. Soon you'll be at her beck and call 24/7 with no life of your own, and still feeling like all you do isn't NEARLY enough.
Wake up before it's too late and you realize mother has usurped your ENTIRE LIFE! Yet she's still miserable and you're on antidepressants. Whats wrong with this picture?
I'm not going to tell you more about it, but I think watching it will be instructive.
Nothing else is on offer.
Has your mother been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? This very much sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. Do some reading about that.
Yet there seems to be hefty amount that seem to lose that thoughtfullness & empathy... become unable to see past their own needs.
I do wonder if it is a return to babyhood thinking.. when we think Mother (or main carer) is actually part of us, the part that meets our needs.
(Or maybe some just never grow out of their infantile entitled attitude).
Stick with that therapy.
If you want a laugh, try and picture her as a 4year old size, standing with hands on hips, a big pout, foot ready to stamp down HARD. Is she a grey hair in a bun, housecoat sort of lady? Or a well groomed matron, lipstick always on? Either way, picture her pint sized.
"My mom has told me that I should tell my daughter no and that she needs me more".
In other words;
"I don't want you to play with HER. I want you to play with ME!"
The polite concept of sharing. Out. Of waiting her turn. Out. Of realising other people have needs. Out.
HER needs & what SHE wants RIGHT NOW are what are important to her. Sigh.
I read an excellent description of this lately on a thread. I'll try to find it.
The Needy Bully. How's that?
So you live alone. You consider yourself *living alone, independantly*. Yet you are reliant on many things from your family. So in fact you are *living alone, dependantly*.
As we age, we need more help to do some things. This is life. A WISE person will recognise this. A WISE & FLEXIBLE person will adapt, will learn to accept help. Help from family - then additionally from NON-family.
So, when you need help, your options start at;
#1. Family & friend volunteers.
If needs increase past what family & friends can do;
#2. Adding staff to your home (paid home help)
If needs increase past what can be done in a home environment;
#3. Move to where round the clock staff are provided.
These life stage changes require us to ACCEPT HELP & ACCEPT CHANGE.
They require flexability of thinking. This is your challenge.. Can you rise to it?
Or you can continue to be stubborn & refuse all help.
Up to you. But stubbornness has consequences. Eg refusing help at home when you need it, will increase risk to you:
risk of falling, dehydration, malnutrician, medication errors, untreated medical ailments.
It's all up to you.
To start to make changes now, or wait until a crises befalls you & have change FORCED upon you.
Since you are seeing a therapist weekly, I'd love to know what he/she says about all of this.
"Also my boundaries are very set and I hold them well. Once a week visit, no heavy cleaning or laboring on house repairs. Small jobs are fine but heavy work is for paid workers now. Last year she had me repaving her patio and steps. Once a day calls."
Those are excellent boundaries! Once/week visit and once/day phone call.
Does she ever mention your siblings? I'd be so tempted to remind her that I was the only one of her children even in contact with her, and why does she think that is? However, when I pointed that out to my mother, she got very angry. She'd built up a lot of excuses in her mind over why my golden boy brothers (one in particular) didn't see her more. And of course I was told that my time wasn't worth anything.
If she is living alone, she considers herself to be independent, then she should be able to care for herself. If she cannot, she is no longer independent and should be moved to a facility.
For now, set your boundaries, make it clear what you will be doing, what if she doesn't like it? Tough dingleberries. If she manufactures a crisis don't let her drag you in, if it medical tell her to call 911.
She cannot manipulate you unless you allow it, you are allowing it. She has you wrapped around her little finger to the point if you do not do what she wants you actually have trouble enjoying yourself, now that is what I call "Control".
For my part, your siblings have done the right thing, I would do the same.
Deep down in you want to be with your daughter and grand daughter.
So do that.
Just because your mother is elderly does not mean that you have to become her slave. Or that you have to tolerate abusive behavior from her.
When she has a hysterical tantrum you handle that exactly the way you'd handle a child having a hysterical tantrum.
You ignore her.
Please do what MeDolly advises you to lower on the thread. She has laid out EXACTLY how you should deal with your mother's abusive neediness and manipulation.
She would probably be better off not living alone at her age. You are not the only person on earth she can live with though.
In your profile you mention "age related decline".
Is mom living on her own?
Can she manage ADL's herself? (If not she should be in AL not living alone. )
Can she manage to make breakfast, lunch and dinner herself? (If not she should be in AL and not be living alone)
Can mom afford to have caregivers come in and help her if she needs day to day help?
You mention that your daughter lives "far away" how far is far?
Ok...I am not going to delete all this...you answered much of this in a reply so I will continue.
You have set boundaries.
Visiting your daughter and grandchild is not a weekly thing that is taking time from mom. It is a Respite for you. And it seems like mom does find for the week or so that you are gone. And honestly if it is across the country I would make it a 2 week visit not just a week. (Or use the second week to do a bit of sightseeing for your self)
Your priority should be YOURSELF then your daughter and grandchild then your mom. (actually since you are closer in proximity to mom she is ahead of your daughter and her family)
Let mom yell and scream and throw her tantrum. She will do just fine.
If you were ill and could not visit to do the things you do she would survive.
If your car broke down and you could not get to her that week, she would survive.
Please stop! You already know that your daughter and grandchild MUST come before your narcissistic mom right?
Your mom has really done a number on you if you have to question who comes first in your life.
Why are you the only sibling that hasn't figured out moms games and manipulation yet? And why do you feel the need to put up with her nonsense?
These are questions you need to ask yourself.
Your mom is NOT your responsibility!!!! Period, end of sentence!
Your mom has had her life and you'll never get this time back with your daughter and grandchild, so put on your big girl panties and start acting like the grown ass woman you are and set the necessary boundaries with your mom so you can actually start enjoying your life and do the things you really want to do.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!
You don’t need to explain or justify why you go see ( or help ) your daughter and granddaughter . You can go see them as often as you like . It is not a question of who needs who . I’m sorry that another poster on here actually is giving you grief about visiting your daughter and granddaughter .
You do a lot for your mother . You have every right to visit your daughter and granddaughter when you wish .
What would be nice is placing Mom on respite care in an AL for the whole 2 months or her dime. She may find she likes it and stays. Saves u time, hassle and money going back and forth.
If Mom can pick up the phone, she can have dinner delivered. One of those restaurant meals would last me at least 2 days. Maybe Mom can find someone to come in the afternoons and cook her dinner and help her run errands. Must be someone who wants to make some pocket money? Tell her ur going to daughters for the whole 2 months. Really, its ridiculous to be coming back and forth when there are options for Mom.
I have been a member of this forum for at least 6 yrs. And I have found that the Caregivers who survive the best are the ones that kind of laugh it off. I will use your paving for mom as an example.
Mom says she wants you to pave her steps "right Mom, I don't think so, not my speciality". My Mom for a long time mowed her own lawn and then she hired someone. If she had asked me I would have said "I don't mow my own Mom".
You said "There are times when we all need someone no matter our age or situation." I agree with you on that. Seems you have set your boundries. I did the same with my Mom and didn't even realize it. I worked part-time. So I had days I was off. Like u, we picked one day a week for shopping and errands. Dr visits were made around my work schedule. If she needed anything in between, if it could wait till errand day it did. If it was not an emergency, then I picked it up when I was out and about.
That it would be expensive to pay someone.. maybe *someone* could come & wash them?
Oh? Who would that *someone* be?
Maybe I'd like to..?
Like to? LOL. No.
I said I don't wash my own! I'll hire that out in spring!
Luckily my Father still has sense & hired window washers.
Her way of thinking is to place a high value on her wish to save money. Yet my time or labour apparently holds no value.
Once I saw this, realised her ability for empathy has declined/gone, it helps me set my boundaries.
Her actions weren’t directly for you, but a questionable public display of needing attention.
Yes, some of us were groomed to put our mothers first. I cannot tell when my mother transitioned for being difficult to having dementia. She always expected to come first in my life and, when she went from nagging to guilt trips to rage to suicide attempts (because I prioritized my husband and kids), I originally just assumed she was becoming more selfish. I called EMS during her last suicide attempt and had them take her away. When she couldn’t name her town of 17 years, nor her grandkids, nor the year, nor which of her siblings were alive, we realized her unreasonable behaviour had become dementia-driven. She could showtime with the best of them and many people - family and friends - were certain she was fine. Your mother may have crossed the line as mine did.
Unfortunately people’s negative personality traits get more intense and frequent as they age. Combine that with any type of CD and it can become unmanageable. My father is very difficult. He will sometimes call me and yell at me when he is confused. For instance he will call and yell that he needs a new phone because he lost his, or his is broken and I need to fix it. Well…he is speaking to me on his phone so it is neither lost or broken so I just say okay, “I’ll start working on that dad”. Sometimes that won’t be enough and he will call me a couple more times to yell some more. If I am speaking to him on the phone and make a suggestion about something (for instance to stay off the roof when he said he was up there fixing something at 82 years old) he will yell and tell me to stay out of it. Then he will call a couple more times to yell some more. I have learned, just don’t answer that second call. I Let it ring or put it on mute. Because dementia or no, I have a CHOICE of how much I have to endure.