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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I have offered to live in her finished basement but need to keep my apartment as well, just in case. it seems my sister and I are changing our lives just to let my mom stay in her house. how important is it for her to stay in familiar surroundings?
Has your mother ever assigned anyone as POA for healthcare and financial decisions for the time that has now arrived, when she cannot make sound decisions for herself? If so, this is the time the POA decides where it is best for mom to live. The “don’t want to leave my house” is very common but also often unreasonable. It’s likely a bad idea for you to uproot your life for this. Mom will continue to decline, sadly, one day it will not matter where she lives. My dad often told my siblings and I his firm rule, none of us could live with him, and he wouldn’t live with any of us. He said he’d sen it ruin too many relationships. I still value his wisdom and encourage you to reconsider this plan
In response to your other comment about moving her into your sister's place and you caring for her there...have your sister (and your sister's family, if relevant) read all of this, and check out other posts on this site. I suspect that your sister does not know what you two are getting into. The result would be largely the same as one of you moving there - your mother would be living, disordered and possibly wandering/unsafe in your sister's house. She may not understand the need for privacy, she may keep trying to cook and forget to turn things off, she may wander and need your sister to go look for her.... Make no mistake, even though you would be "caring for her", your sister and anyone living in that house would be deeply, deeply affected by a person with dementia moving in. As others have said, it could affect you all emotionally, mentally, and financially, and your mom's needs will only increase.
Many, many families just cannot keep a family member with dementia at home. It's not possible without someone being a full-time caregiver, 24-7. If you and your sister cannot do that (because you have families or work or just want a life of your own), then the kindest thing to do for yourselves and your mom is to start looking at memory care facilities, find a nice one that will take private pay until your mom qualifies for Medicaid, and then will switch over to taking her Medicaid once that kicks in.
I'm sorry, I know this is hard. But you have to protect your own mental, emotional, and financial health.
I thought that I was one of those caregivers who could take care of my mother in my own home. It didn't take long for me to realize that my house is not safe for someone with dementia. I have two full flights of stairs and even though I had her in an area on the main floor, she didn't understand that she shouldn't go up and down the stairs.
After a couple of days here, she ended up in the emergency room because of a UTI that hadn't completely cleared. From there, we were able to find her a facility. She is so much happier there. She has people around and she participates in the activities.
Honestly, in one week, she is so much better. Is it going to be expensive? Yes. But, I know I made the right decision.
As said, a person with Dementia cannot call the shots. I would jot move in with her or her with me. My Mom was fairly easy but got up in the middle of the night thinging it was time to get up. By the time I got her back to bed, I was wide awake and could not get back to sleep. She had her paranoid times. I found I was not a caretaker. I like order and there is no order in the mind of a Dementia person. Very unpredictable.
If Mom has money place her in a nice MC. Sell her house for that care.
If neither you nor your sister are PoA for your Mom, then please know that moving her in with you may be stepping into a pile of poo. If you think she's stubborn now, it will only get worse as she continues to lose her ability to process reason and logic. Even with PoA authority you cannot force an uncooperative adult to do something against their will without a lot of disturbing drama for everyone involved.
Dementia also means she'll have no empathy for how her caregiving needs are impacting your lives. Please read the copious posts about Burnout. Many a loving and well-meaning adult child has taken on way more than they can chew in hands-on carging for a needy parent. Please go into this with your eyes wide open and understand that the result of trying to care for her in a home may mean neither you nor your sister have much of a life going forward.
Even if they have POA, they should not be obligated to move in with her. This was my problem with my family. They heard that I was POA and they assumed that I should give up my life, move in to care for an aunt.
You need a diagnosis, but would get a POA done before the diagnosis if she will allow it. And she may not allow EITHER.
At some point it doesn't matter any longer "what mom wants" because "what mom NEEDS takes it over" in terms of safety.
I would not make this move. Things will get worse and worse until basically you have no life of your own, and you go up in the smoke of a slow burn from throwing your own life on the funeral pyre of someone who has had her life already.
You are an adult and must make your own decisions, but I caution you to stay here and read a while before you do so.
There is always the option of allowing things to go on as they are until you get "the call" which you will. If mom wishes to die in her own home that may happen sooner than were she moved to the safety of an extended care facility, but eventually we all DO die. Whether it is the hospital that calls and says "We have your mom here" or the Coroner who calls, mom will have passed on her own steam per her own wishes. If the hospital calls then you will work with social workers there at that time to get her safely in placement.
Hard truths. I would start now with a short call a.m. and p.m. to be sure she's on her feet and feeling well. I would NOT enable this at all. Good luck, whatever choices you make. No one yet has the secret formula for success, so your own path may be as good as any other.
If you value yourself, do not move in with her. You cannot care for her. I discovered this trying to care for my aunt for only a few weeks. Don't do it. You have no idea what you'll be opening yourself up to. It will all be on solely you. If you need a break, no one will help you. Everything, and I do mean everything will fall on you, even if someone says they will help you, they will not. I was expected to uproot my life and move in with my aunt. I couldn't believe how bad she was. Incontinence, tantrums, refusing to bathe. I had her house professionally cleaned inside out, and it was not cheap because it was covered in human waste. Within two or three days of having it cleaned, she messed up the carpet by spilling turmeric tea all over the carpet because she fell asleep with it in her hands and then within the next week or maybe much less, she messed up the carpet because she had on a loaded diaper, didn't mention she needed to be changed, and when I got it off, it was so loaded that a lot of it fell on the carpet again. This was my money that I spent to clean her home and it looked like it was all for nothing. You will lose your mind with her stubbornness, the loopy things she'll do, the tantrums and everything thing else that will come along, as she declines. Don't do it. You're a stranger and I am warning you what you're up against. My blood family tried pushing this on me, knowing what I would be up against. Don't move in with her. Don't move her in with you. My aunt is still in her house with a caregiver coming in from time to time. Do that, at least.
You asked based on my profile how I helped my dad remain in his home. Foremost, he had no dementia, if he had that would have been a game changer. He did have that hellbent “staying in my house” adage so many seniors have. He had CHF and extreme leg weakness as part of the result. There were many falls, despite all precautions. One resulted in him spending most of a night and day in the floor (his alert pendant was on the charger) unable to get up. We drew our line after that and insisted he move to assisted living or hire a helper. He chose the helper despite the whole “don’t want a stranger in my house” rant. She was a lifesaver and quickly won him over. She was not a complete fix as she was not there around the clock. We did not rearrange our lives to accommodate his wishes. If he’d lived much longer, a new plan would have been required as his needs were increasing. Again, I would have helped, but as was reasonably doable for me. You and your sister desperately need to not rearrange your lives for this, mom’s needs will continue to evolve and increase. She will be hard to live with in ways you’ve not yet imagined. You’ll likely have a honeymoon period where you think this isn’t so bad, sadly, it won’t last as your privacy and independence are stripped away and her needs change. Helping mom is both right and admirable, just consider the ways to do it that work best for all involved
I moved my mom in with me when she could no longer live alone. After 11 months, I was a completely different person and stressed to the point of insomnia. Mom is sweet and pretty easy going but dementia made her repeat everything many, many times. She would wonder the house at night and pull things down from shelves as she packed to go home. It was t safe to leave her alone so going anywhere with my husband was out. I’d have to wait for him to get home to go do any errands. If she didn’t want to go to church, we couldn’t go. If I needed time to myself, I’d go to the kitchen but she would soon follow.
luckily, time has no meaning to her so I told her she needed to go to rehab (she’s on a walker) for 2-3 weeks. That was September of 2023. She believes she has been where she is for about a week. She doesn’t know how she got there but she is sure she is going home tomorrow. She is always happy when I visit and tells be to be sure and check before I visit again because she might not be there.
My advice is to get her into a nice facility and visit often but put yourself and your sister into the position of enjoying g her last years instead of possibly building resentment.
Did your mom give up everything and move in with a parent? What did she say when she was well? She assigned POA so she understood there might be a time when she can’t make her own decisions.
One gift I got was a few lucid days just before I moved mom from one facility to another. I was able to discuss my plans and she agreed to them. She was t entirely clear because she asked how my deceased father felt about it but she understood she was going to live at a facility where one of her long time friends lives and she agreed to it. This gave me a great deal of peace.
My husband and I moved 650 miles from our home to move in with his mother who had Alzheimers. We planned to care for her. He was at home with her all day while I worked to support us. This was in the early 1990s. We didn't know much about this horrible disease, but had to learn fast. A few things we learned were: 1. Any change in environment or even in routine in her environment mentally threw her for a loop. 2. It doesn't get better, only worse over time. 3. My husband didn't get more than a few hours sleep a night, since his mother didn't sleep well. Sleep deprivation is common for caregivers. 4. His mother became secretive and suspicious. This is also common. 5. The safety of all of us was compromised, since she'd try to cook or would smoke when we were sleeping. Fire was a concern. 6. There came a time when she forgot how to safely chew and swallow. My husband chose a feeding tube for her because he didn't want to "starve her to death". Hospice was not offered to educate us or support her. 7. It wasn't the Alzheimers that took her life. It was breast cancer that spread throughout her chest that took her life.
Within less than a year my husband was so tired and stressed and concerned for all of our well being that he had to place her in memory care anyway.
The best thing is to place her in a good memory care facility now. Before it gets worse. Before you need to ASAP and feel you have to place her somewhere, anywhere, if the place you really want has no openings. Best to move her once and let her adjust, instead of having her adjust to several transitions. Until then, see if Meals On Wheels can drop off one nutritious meal per day.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Many, many families just cannot keep a family member with dementia at home. It's not possible without someone being a full-time caregiver, 24-7. If you and your sister cannot do that (because you have families or work or just want a life of your own), then the kindest thing to do for yourselves and your mom is to start looking at memory care facilities, find a nice one that will take private pay until your mom qualifies for Medicaid, and then will switch over to taking her Medicaid once that kicks in.
I'm sorry, I know this is hard. But you have to protect your own mental, emotional, and financial health.
After a couple of days here, she ended up in the emergency room because of a UTI that hadn't completely cleared. From there, we were able to find her a facility. She is so much happier there. She has people around and she participates in the activities.
Honestly, in one week, she is so much better. Is it going to be expensive? Yes. But, I know I made the right decision.
If Mom has money place her in a nice MC. Sell her house for that care.
Dementia also means she'll have no empathy for how her caregiving needs are impacting your lives. Please read the copious posts about Burnout. Many a loving and well-meaning adult child has taken on way more than they can chew in hands-on carging for a needy parent. Please go into this with your eyes wide open and understand that the result of trying to care for her in a home may mean neither you nor your sister have much of a life going forward.
This was my problem with my family. They heard that I was POA and they assumed that I should give up my life, move in to care for an aunt.
You need a diagnosis, but would get a POA done before the diagnosis if she will allow it. And she may not allow EITHER.
At some point it doesn't matter any longer "what mom wants" because "what mom NEEDS takes it over" in terms of safety.
I would not make this move. Things will get worse and worse until basically you have no life of your own, and you go up in the smoke of a slow burn from throwing your own life on the funeral pyre of someone who has had her life already.
You are an adult and must make your own decisions, but I caution you to stay here and read a while before you do so.
There is always the option of allowing things to go on as they are until you get "the call" which you will. If mom wishes to die in her own home that may happen sooner than were she moved to the safety of an extended care facility, but eventually we all DO die. Whether it is the hospital that calls and says "We have your mom here" or the Coroner who calls, mom will have passed on her own steam per her own wishes. If the hospital calls then you will work with social workers there at that time to get her safely in placement.
Hard truths.
I would start now with a short call a.m. and p.m. to be sure she's on her feet and feeling well. I would NOT enable this at all.
Good luck, whatever choices you make. No one yet has the secret formula for success, so your own path may be as good as any other.
Don't do it. You have no idea what you'll be opening yourself up to. It will all be on solely you. If you need a break, no one will help you. Everything, and I do mean everything will fall on you, even if someone says they will help you, they will not.
I was expected to uproot my life and move in with my aunt. I couldn't believe how bad she was. Incontinence, tantrums, refusing to bathe. I had her house professionally cleaned inside out, and it was not cheap because it was covered in human waste. Within two or three days of having it cleaned, she messed up the carpet by spilling turmeric tea all over the carpet because she fell asleep with it in her hands and then within the next week or maybe much less, she messed up the carpet because she had on a loaded diaper, didn't mention she needed to be changed, and when I got it off, it was so loaded that a lot of it fell on the carpet again. This was my money that I spent to clean her home and it looked like it was all for nothing.
You will lose your mind with her stubbornness, the loopy things she'll do, the tantrums and everything thing else that will come along, as she declines.
Don't do it. You're a stranger and I am warning you what you're up against. My blood family tried pushing this on me, knowing what I would be up against. Don't move in with her. Don't move her in with you.
My aunt is still in her house with a caregiver coming in from time to time. Do that, at least.
luckily, time has no meaning to her so I told her she needed to go to rehab (she’s on a walker) for 2-3 weeks. That was September of 2023. She believes she has been where she is for about a week. She doesn’t know how she got there but she is sure she is going home tomorrow. She is always happy when I visit and tells be to be sure and check before I visit again because she might not be there.
My advice is to get her into a nice facility and visit often but put yourself and your sister into the position of enjoying g her last years instead of possibly building resentment.
Did your mom give up everything and move in with a parent? What did she say when she was well? She assigned POA so she understood there might be a time when she can’t make her own decisions.
One gift I got was a few lucid days just before I moved mom from one facility to another. I was able to discuss my plans and she agreed to them. She was t entirely clear because she asked how my deceased father felt about it but she understood she was going to live at a facility where one of her long time friends lives and she agreed to it. This gave me a great deal of peace.
1. Any change in environment or even in routine in her environment mentally threw her for a loop.
2. It doesn't get better, only worse over time.
3. My husband didn't get more than a few hours sleep a night, since his mother didn't sleep well. Sleep deprivation is common for caregivers.
4. His mother became secretive and suspicious. This is also common.
5. The safety of all of us was compromised, since she'd try to cook or would smoke when we were sleeping. Fire was a concern.
6. There came a time when she forgot how to safely chew and swallow. My husband chose a feeding tube for her because he didn't want to "starve her to death". Hospice was not offered to educate us or support her.
7. It wasn't the Alzheimers that took her life. It was breast cancer that spread throughout her chest that took her life.
Within less than a year my husband was so tired and stressed and concerned for all of our well being that he had to place her in memory care anyway.
The best thing is to place her in a good memory care facility now. Before it gets worse. Before you need to ASAP and feel you have to place her somewhere, anywhere, if the place you really want has no openings. Best to move her once and let her adjust, instead of having her adjust to several transitions.
Until then, see if Meals On Wheels can drop off one nutritious meal per day.
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