I'm growing concerned my Dad may be asked to leave his Christian church funded ALF. He is 85, diagnosed with Alzheimers over 10 years ago, and a 20 year prostate cancer survivor. He uses a rollator for a drop foot. As you know, ALFs are predominantly female. His has about 6 men to over 50 women. Last November, a woman with early dementia decided he was HERS. She cried and wheedled to get him to do as she wanted-even sleeping in her apartment with her. So, the facility ended that (they don't tolerate immorality, and I agree with their standards) by moving him out of the main dining room for meals to a smaller dining area on his hallway. Sunday, yes! 3 days ago! I get a report that he was found in another lady's bedroom with her and they were kissing. This lady also has dementia. I asked if it was consensual, and the answer is Yes, but not allowed. We were beginning the process of moving Dad to a higher lever of care in another hall (still AL not MC) and now that's off the table because she lives on that hall and putting him in closer proximity may make the situation much worse. He thinks he's quite a catch. He is a Christian, his wife/my mom has been deceased 3 years. I cannot bring him to my home to live. There are other facilities in town, but this is the best in my opinion. It is 15 minutes from my home, and I visit every day. I know the Alzheimer's removes filters and he would be embarrassed (if he could comprehend and/or remember) at his horny behavior. How have you personally dealt with this situation? Is there a medication to turn off this behavior? His health is otherwise excellent. His older sister is in her mid 90s. He could live another 10 years getting in and out of these situations. He is not progressed to the point of a memory care facility.
For interest, this is a controversial issue, and some places have rules to permit ‘consensual rights’. The same issues arise in facilities for young people with Downs syndrome or other mental issues. These days residential facilities often give sex workers access for people with spinal defects, no matter what the Board thinks!
Many many old people regret having no-one to cuddle – one reason that grandchildren are so welcome. You could try to see if management could encourage a session with safe pets to touch. A spoonful in the mouth at dinnertime is not the only contact I want to end my own life!
Too bad the activities don't include a daily game of spin the bottle like we played as young teenagers. Hey, there's an idea........
Best wishes to you and your dad.
But if there are rules in place they have to be followed.
With my Mom, who suffered from Dementia, she disliked men. So no worries there.
I think the AL staff is just jealous of them ;). So they separated them.
And quite honestly what harm is there in sleeping in a women's room or even kissing a woman if it's consensual at his age? I mean really.
Let the poor man live and enjoy whatever time he may have left on this earth. He's not hurting anyone.
Perhaps you need to move him to a facility that is not quite so strict.
He's just wanting a lady friend and what is so wrong about that? If he didn't have dementia and found a lady friend that he wanted to spend time with and kiss and hold hands with, and even sleep in her apartment, would it bother you then too?
I would hope not. Your dad just wants to be loved by someone of the opposite sex. I don't think that feeling ever goes away. At least I hope it doesn't.
I know that this is a tricky subject and has been on this forum before. And because dementia is involved it makes it even trickier.
My thought being a Christian too, that if it's consensual, there is absolutely no harm in him kissing someone or spending the night in someone's apartment as we don't know what if anything even went on in there. I mean your dad is single and he is just wanting to mingle.
It would be a different story if he was forcing himself on these women, but it doesn't sound like he is, so let him enjoy it while he can as there will come a time when his disease will have progressed to the point where he more than likely won't even be able to get out of bed.
I know that children have a hard time thinking about their parents being sexual beings, but guess what.... they/we are.