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Interact with staff but recently he was with another patient dancing and bonding this lady is very lonely and usually doesn’t participate much this makes me a little uneasy
There are no good answers when dementia enters the picture. It's a lose-lose situation for ALL concerned in my opinion and experience. Your husband, however, is one of the few residents in Memory Care Assisted Living who appears to be having a pleasant experience and enjoying himself dancing. He's unaware that his behavior is causing you unease, so I'd avoid mentioning it to him if I were you. The goal is to keep the resident happy and relaxed at all costs, short of sharing a room. My mother's MC would not permit such a thing, nor would the MC I worked at.
It would probably be a good idea to change your visiting hours to avoid having to see the dancing.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
But it hurts doesn't it. You know in your heart how this Dementia works. You have loved and cared for this man for years and one day he forgets that you are his wife. People saying, this is normal does not change the fact that it hurts. How do you deal with the hurt?
We went with a friend's mother to see her husband in MC. When we walked in he was kissing a resident. She turned around and walked out. She had tears in her eyes and she was upset. She said she was very aware that these things happen but it still hurts.
These "things" do happen and my DD, RN, can contest to that. She had a couple that thought they were married. If you tried to separate them there was a fight. Each had a spouse. The spouses agreed to let them be. Was even to the point they shared the same room with the beds pushed together.
I just can't imagine. My Mom thought I was her Mom. Forgot she was married and had children. All I can say try to except it for what it is, the disease. He is not cheating on you. Maybe his mind is back in High School and she is just a girl he has asked to dance.
This must be so comforting to both your husband and "the other woman." They're entitled to comfort; they're not there because they want to be. They're there because they have to be.
Help husband to live his best life by being understanding and treating both of them with kindness. They're not going to run off to Jamaica together for a sexy vacay.
This isn't at all the same thing, but when my son got married, his former longtime girlfriend was there because she was also his new wife's childhood best friend. I wondered how they'd all handle it, though of course the old romance had long been over before the new romance started. At the reception I happened to look over my shoulder, and the three of them were in the middle of the dance floor holding hands, dancing and laughing. They all looked so happy for this joyous occasion.
These "crushes" and in fact with severe memory loss in which Hubby doesn't know you, often more than a crush is very, very, very common. I would suggest a whole lot of education is needed to let you know just how the brain on dementia operates.
I have seen this first hand with a dear friend of my Aunt whose husband believed that another woman in care was his wife, and the wife a lovely visitor who he could just not place in his memory. She would continue to visit and love him, and she was comforted by the fact he had a companion in care who brought him peace and joy in that setting.
I would suggest counseling for yourself if this continues. This is very tough to see, but not at all uncommon.
When your husband was at home you were his "safe" person. A person that he could count on being there, someone he could look for for help if he needed it, someone that would not make him feel "bad" if he couldn't do something. The person he is dancing with also left her "safe" person. They are looking to each other as their safe person. They are bonding over being in the same place, both having the same kinds of problems.
If your husband is engaging, having a good time you should be happy for him. The other side of the coin would be him sitting in his room isolated from others.
There is the possibility that he will or has formed a bond with this other person. It is your choice to leave it as it is or say something to the facility and they can try to keep them apart. Personally if this were my husband I would rather him happy and engaged. With my Husbands dementia the smile was gone from his face, he did not hug me, he would hold hands, but that was as far as any contact would go so I had lost him YEARS before he actually died. One of the ladies in my Support Group called herself a "Married Widow" and that is exactly what it felt like.
Please don't let your husbands interactions with this other woman make you feel uneasy, but instead be grateful that he is finding joy in his new home, and perhaps even bringing some joy to this otherwise lonely woman. Your husbands brain is now broken and he doesn't realize that what he's doing might be upsetting to you, he's just having fun and enjoying himself. And that in itself should make you happy too. If I had a nickel for every time I heard about someone's spouse(male or female)in memory care taking a liking to someone other than their spouse, I would be quite wealthy by now. It happens ALL the time. Perhaps if you can't for some reason get past this, you should not go every day to visit your husband. But like I said this is so very normal, so try looking at it from a different perspective, and know that your husband still loves you very much.
I can imagine it could make you feel like he’s cheating or something..but he’s not his old self. I even feel rejected when I go to my mother in the.nearby nursing home & lately she just screams, “GET OUTA HERE!” & won’t eat anything from me that it’s poison ☠️. However, when I checked on her earlier in day, nurse said she had good appetite. I guess you should be happy that he’s kind of adjusting..but it’s still gives a jealous pang ..under normal circumstances…but remember he’s at memory care..not a singles dance 💃 🕺 without you. Hugs 🤗
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It would probably be a good idea to change your visiting hours to avoid having to see the dancing.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
We went with a friend's mother to see her husband in MC. When we walked in he was kissing a resident. She turned around and walked out. She had tears in her eyes and she was upset. She said she was very aware that these things happen but it still hurts.
These "things" do happen and my DD, RN, can contest to that. She had a couple that thought they were married. If you tried to separate them there was a fight. Each had a spouse. The spouses agreed to let them be. Was even to the point they shared the same room with the beds pushed together.
I just can't imagine. My Mom thought I was her Mom. Forgot she was married and had children. All I can say try to except it for what it is, the disease. He is not cheating on you. Maybe his mind is back in High School and she is just a girl he has asked to dance.
Help husband to live his best life by being understanding and treating both of them with kindness. They're not going to run off to Jamaica together for a sexy vacay.
This isn't at all the same thing, but when my son got married, his former longtime girlfriend was there because she was also his new wife's childhood best friend. I wondered how they'd all handle it, though of course the old romance had long been over before the new romance started. At the reception I happened to look over my shoulder, and the three of them were in the middle of the dance floor holding hands, dancing and laughing. They all looked so happy for this joyous occasion.
My suggestion: Join in the dance.
I have seen this first hand with a dear friend of my Aunt whose husband believed that another woman in care was his wife, and the wife a lovely visitor who he could just not place in his memory. She would continue to visit and love him, and she was comforted by the fact he had a companion in care who brought him peace and joy in that setting.
I would suggest counseling for yourself if this continues. This is very tough to see, but not at all uncommon.
The person he is dancing with also left her "safe" person.
They are looking to each other as their safe person.
They are bonding over being in the same place, both having the same kinds of problems.
If your husband is engaging, having a good time you should be happy for him.
The other side of the coin would be him sitting in his room isolated from others.
There is the possibility that he will or has formed a bond with this other person.
It is your choice to leave it as it is or say something to the facility and they can try to keep them apart.
Personally if this were my husband I would rather him happy and engaged.
With my Husbands dementia the smile was gone from his face, he did not hug me, he would hold hands, but that was as far as any contact would go so I had lost him YEARS before he actually died. One of the ladies in my Support Group called herself a "Married Widow" and that is exactly what it felt like.
My step-mother is in MC, she still recognizes my brother and I but no longer knows who we are or our names.
I would accept it and be happy that he is still enjoying his life.
Sending support your way!
Your husbands brain is now broken and he doesn't realize that what he's doing might be upsetting to you, he's just having fun and enjoying himself. And that in itself should make you happy too.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard about someone's spouse(male or female)in memory care taking a liking to someone other than their spouse, I would be quite wealthy by now. It happens ALL the time.
Perhaps if you can't for some reason get past this, you should not go every day to visit your husband.
But like I said this is so very normal, so try looking at it from a different perspective, and know that your husband still loves you very much.