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From your profile: "Retired office manager/dental assistant for 21yrs...had to retire because of complications from cancer...many health issues myself...my widowed MIL 91yrs lives with us now...she’s narcissistic...my husband still has a year and a half to go before he retires"
Why is someone with significant health problems taking care of someone who is (also from your profile) ..."91 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, anxiety, depression, hearing loss, incontinence, mobility problems, and vision problems."
I take it you are doing the bulk of the caregiving? Again, WHY? Did you agree to your MIL moving in? How long has she lived with you? Don't expect her to change. Rather, you must change the situation and what you will put up with.
What does your H say about HIS mother and how difficult it is?
What are the specific rules is your MIL ignoring or refusing?
Profile mentions incontinence, vision & mobility problems. Would these be barriers to keeping the rules eg being unable to see well to clean up the kitchen after making a snack? Being unable to walk well enough to put rubbish outside?
Or is there a cultural/generational expectation you (as DIL) should be her maid?
If the former, work with her for comprimises & solutions.
Since you do not mention Dementia as part of MIL's diagnosis you sit down and tell her: Actually your husband is the one that should sit down and discuss this with her, "Mom, there are House Rules that you need to follow if you are going to remain here. If you can't follow the rules we are going to have to look for another place for you." Now if your husband will not do this or does not agree with the "follow the rules or move out" idea then your only problem is not with MIL but with your husband. You do not indicate what problems you are having and adding those details might help. How does your husband feel about this and does he agree with you?
No hope. Narcissists don't change. Plus there's the family dynamic, which isn't in your favor. Start looking for a facility where professionals can take care of her.
You may need to walk her through the rules. Large board with written schedule for her, next to a large print calendar. Also, may need to remind her daily of the daily tasks.
Makati, what happens is the adult/child dynamic. Once a parents or in-law moves into a grown child's home, that parent once again becomes "the boss".
For some reason the parent only sees the grown child as a teen or young adult instead of someone who is not far from being a senior or is a senior themselves.
As others here have asked, what house issues are the issues?
I think you may have guess that this would be the case when/before you took in your MIL? And now it IS the case. I think, in all honesty, that we cannot change others. We can only decide whether we choose to live with them or not.
HI Makati - is there any chance you can kindly elaborate on what the situation is - so that others can provide the proper advice? (such as, what kinds of problems are you facing with MIL..specifics)?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Why is someone with significant health problems taking care of someone who is (also from your profile) ..."91 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, anxiety, depression, hearing loss, incontinence, mobility problems, and vision problems."
I take it you are doing the bulk of the caregiving? Again, WHY? Did you agree to your MIL moving in? How long has she lived with you? Don't expect her to change. Rather, you must change the situation and what you will put up with.
What does your H say about HIS mother and how difficult it is?
Profile mentions incontinence, vision & mobility problems. Would these be barriers to keeping the rules eg being unable to see well to clean up the kitchen after making a snack? Being unable to walk well enough to put rubbish outside?
Or is there a cultural/generational expectation you (as DIL) should be her maid?
If the former, work with her for comprimises & solutions.
If the later, hike her rent up.
Way up.
Add to that a whole bunch of other behaviors that stressed me out so bad, I became bedridden, I was despondent.
The kind people here advised me to consider that she may have dementia. It was a series of lightbulb moments.
Yep. She was well on her way into moderate dementia. It explained (but didn’t fix) all the behaviors that were making me crazy.
"Mom, there are House Rules that you need to follow if you are going to remain here. If you can't follow the rules we are going to have to look for another place for you."
Now if your husband will not do this or does not agree with the "follow the rules or move out" idea then your only problem is not with MIL but with your husband.
You do not indicate what problems you are having and adding those details might help.
How does your husband feel about this and does he agree with you?
For some reason the parent only sees the grown child as a teen or young adult instead of someone who is not far from being a senior or is a senior themselves.
As others here have asked, what house issues are the issues?