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My best advice is to find a nice facility (there are lots of them these days), instead of trying to care for her yourself. We brought my mom here before she had any dementia; after awhile she and I were constantly butting heads - now it would be totally impossible. With dementia, whatever is happening is very likely to only get worse.... poor husband!
How do I even suggest a home? She thinks she's fine even though her doctor tells her everytime she sees him that she has Dementia and to let us help her. I know a home is going to be where she ends up but I'm trying to let her have some kind of fun before she ends up there...I have even told her that her behavior is inappropriate and unexceptable, she will be nice for the rest of the day and then it starts all over again as the sun goes down. I am absolutely torn!
Cat, your mother has dementia, which means her brain is broken.
If she is "mean" to your husband all the time, I think that having her live with you is completely inappropriate. If this were HIS mom and you were subjected to nasty behavior, would you expect a change to be made?
You dont suggest a home for mom. You get a "needs asssessment" from the local Area Agency on Aging and find out what level of care she needs. You see what her financial resources are and you find the best place that she can afford. You apply for Medicaid for her if she needs that.
Couldn't agree more "BarbBrooklyn" - it would be good for Catdeb to think for a moment, reversing the tables and thinking how she would feel if it was her husband's mom being nasty to her. I don't think it would "fly" for very long.
I'm sorry you and your husband are going through this. All the rationale in the world ("Her brain is broken, She doesn't know what she's saying, She wouldn't be doing this in her right mind") doesn't change the fact that feelings are hurt and the cumulative effect of nonstop insults can be devastating. Some people can let it roll off like water from a duck's back. I don't happen to be one of them!
My family and I placed Mom in Memory Care initially because she couldn't live by herself any more and she refused to live with either child. There's loads of information on this forum about moving a reluctant parent to an appropriate long-term living arrangement. One thing that really helped: Mom's doctor placed her on a miniscule (1/2 of the lowest dose of Seroquel) nightly. It accomplished 2 things: Mom sleeps better and it calmed her down significantly. It didn't "dope" her up or turn her into a zombie but made it possible to interact with her without the former nastiness and drama. Believe me, she is still quite feisty but better behaved. It was a lifesaver. You are facing a long road and this situation will get worse, not better. Best of luck to you and your husband!
Very well said "CantDance" - my mom is in memory care now too and the hospice doctor recommended a very small dose of medication which was to help her sleep better as well as to take the edge off her combativeness. It too was a "lifesaver"!
Catdeb, if you do not place Mum in a care facility, it may be your DH who finds a new place to live.
you mention the behaviour worsening at Sun Down. Read up on Sundowning, it is a symptom of dementia and can go on for months if not years, until she loses another ability.
Sundowmers is real. Read up on it please! Everything started to go crazy with my mother every evening around 4 p.m. It can become impossible for all involved. That's how I came to find ageing care. Medication can help too. Otherwise everyone is exhausted, burned out and at their wits end. I Read and I listened to all the old hands on here. Their wisdom is gold. 2 psych visits in the behavioral hospital to get meds right, 1 fall later and now Memory Care. My Mama is doing well with all the people,activities and structure. Better than at home. I didn't want Medication but it saved everything. Grace and Peace, Boots
I came here to read the answers. My husband was diagnosed with two types of dementia two years ago but is in denial. He is a nasty man toward me and yet charming and thoughtful toward other people. I came to see what you suggest for dealing with a nasty person. Will continue to follow this thread.
Dear "graygrammie" - if your husband has always been this way and not just since he was diagnosed with dementia, is it remotely possible he could have NPD ( Narcissistic Personality Disorder)? Either way, I hope you find some answers that may be helpful to you in your situation!
Welcome, graygrammie! You see some of the good tried/true suggestions here; there are more from other posters on other threads. A person with dementia for two years or more can very well be dangerous to you, not just "nasty". Most people with dementia are in denial - just say'in.
When you find a place for mom, try to get the place close enough for you to get to within minutes, not hours. I placed my LO's within minutes between work and home. It is quit helpful, especially in emergency situations.
I feel sometimes when people take in an elderly relative, they don't really outweigh the circumstances. It's not easy, sometimes it can be hard, and not everyone can do it. If you feel like you do now, how are you going to feel in a couple of months?
Catdeb, there are some very good responses and suggestions around here. I'd try to keep in mind that no one knows at what pace your mother's dementia will progress. She could remain at this stage for a while or it might go down hill fast. I realize you want your mother to have a good quality of life, but, I'd explore options, just in case you need help sooner. I recall the irritable phase where my LO was nasty, snappy and never satisfied. The only option is to tolerate it and not take it personally. If you and DH can't do that, it's going to be a very miserable time for all. I agree about exploring meds, if she's in mental anguish.
You can also watch some tips on working with people who have dementia on you tube by Teepa Snow. They are helpful to learn ways to distract, deflect and avoid confrontations. Usually things go better if you don't argue with the person who has dementia. Just agree, but, protect.
I'd also read about what lies in store as she progresses, as there are other issues that are just as challenging to deal with, like resistance to care, incontinence, immobility, etc.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If she is "mean" to your husband all the time, I think that having her live with you is completely inappropriate. If this were HIS mom and you were subjected to nasty behavior, would you expect a change to be made?
You dont suggest a home for mom. You get a "needs asssessment" from the local Area Agency on Aging and find out what level of care she needs. You see what her financial resources are and you find the best place that she can afford. You apply for Medicaid for her if she needs that.
I'm sorry you and your husband are going through this. All the rationale in the world ("Her brain is broken, She doesn't know what she's saying, She wouldn't be doing this in her right mind") doesn't change the fact that feelings are hurt and the cumulative effect of nonstop insults can be devastating. Some people can let it roll off like water from a duck's back. I don't happen to be one of them!
My family and I placed Mom in Memory Care initially because she couldn't live by herself any more and she refused to live with either child. There's loads of information on this forum about moving a reluctant parent to an appropriate long-term living arrangement. One thing that really helped: Mom's doctor placed her on a miniscule (1/2 of the lowest dose of Seroquel) nightly. It accomplished 2 things: Mom sleeps better and it calmed her down significantly. It didn't "dope" her up or turn her into a zombie but made it possible to interact with her without the former nastiness and drama. Believe me, she is still quite feisty but better behaved. It was a lifesaver. You are facing a long road and this situation will get worse, not better. Best of luck to you and your husband!
you mention the behaviour worsening at Sun Down. Read up on Sundowning, it is a symptom of dementia and can go on for months if not years, until she loses another ability.
Either way, I hope you find some answers that may be helpful to you in your situation!
You can also watch some tips on working with people who have dementia on you tube by Teepa Snow. They are helpful to learn ways to distract, deflect and avoid confrontations. Usually things go better if you don't argue with the person who has dementia. Just agree, but, protect.
I'd also read about what lies in store as she progresses, as there are other issues that are just as challenging to deal with, like resistance to care, incontinence, immobility, etc.