Hi my fiance and I care for his elderly mom, in her home, my fiance cannot do it so much because of a severe back injury, and I can only do so much due to a stomach disease that I have. The story goes that her doctor has suggested to her several times that it is time to start thinking about assisted living or a nursing home, she refuses says that she wants to die in her own home....she fell 2 days ago, and probably bruised some ribs, hospital ambulance came to pick her up today. What can happen to my fiance if the nurses report indicates that she has gone to the bathroom in her diaper has sores on her and has a urinary tract infection, also my fiance has poa.
Secondly, MIL can live as she chooses, making good (or bad) decisions as long as she is deemed capable to do so. Everyone IS deemed capable unless deemed INcapable by law (supported by medical Doctor's professional opinion, often via a full neuro psych ax). Only then would a springing POA be activated.
The fight against old age!
People will act as per their temperament directs - quietly with grace.. to proud & fighting...
If MIL decides YES to some home help services this would help her to 'age in place' at home for longer. Call that Plan A for Accept. (Basically, ACCEPTing help).
If NO, she carries on until the next crises: illness, accident, fall. I don't know what specific laws may apply where you live - but if the paramedics are mandated reporters & they see evidence of someone unable to self-care, then a visit from an adult protection service may be triggered.
APS may visit, assess, more advice re home services. MIL chooses to accept or decline.
MIL can change her mind to accept at any time. If not, a crises cycle starts & eventually somewhere between the loop of crises-hospital-rehab-home-crises-repeat, she will ACCEPT non-family help. Let's call that Plan B - Begrudged acceptance.
The trully stubborn are FORCED at some part of the loop into cognitive assessment, to gauge their insight level. If INcapable, forced into assisted/nursing home care accommodation. Plan C - Care Home.
Some onlookers/distant family members may add pressure for you & fiance to step in, to do all, be all, become her daily servants instead.
Think very carefully before taking that step (it's a doozy!)
#tough love
It will get MIL the extra care she needs.
Remember that the POA does not require hands on care. Too many people try to pitch in temporarily and then burn out to the point that they can no longer handle the business affairs that are the POA’s job description.
Sores and UTIs are not an indicator of good care, but unless she was previously deemed incompetent, it sounds like poor self care. If you can’t live with her without promising to provide care that you are incapable of performing, prepare yourselves to make other living arrangements.
To get her muscles stronger so that she falls less, I would look into PT. Many seniors get PT in their home. At the same time, the PT can evaluate the home to suggest aids like hand rails, shower/bath chair, etc. There are exercises you can do with her, senior style, to strengthen her core muscles so that it is safer to toilet and walk. If she is not using a walker, that might be the first step to reduce the possibility of falls. (I personally think that a cane, unless used and fitted properly, actually makes a senior more likely to fall.)
Considering that both your fiance and you are not in the best of health to care for her, I'd start researching home care services ASAP.
Regarding your own question, Therese is 75, which is quite young for so many troubles. Are you and BF living in her house in return for care-giving? Is it a problem for you and BF if she goes into care, needs Medicaid, and you might need to find other accommodation? This can make a difference in the discussions about care options, with her and other people.
Has Therese ever visited any good care facilities? Many are a great deal more attractive than old-style Nursing Homes. Many also offer a cheap lunch if you come to inspect, which is a good incentive to take her out – ‘of course we know it’s just to suck us in, but we can enjoy it anyway’.
Regarding legal liability for her ills, it depends on whether she is in control of what she wants to be done, or whether you and BF are ‘guaranteeing’ that your care is as much as she needs. Whether or not you are liable, you don’t want to be accused of keeping her there for your own free rent when you know that you can’t care for her properly. It could be a good idea to get one or more professionals involved to provide some evidence about who is responsible for what – get it in writing and keep it safe, if you are worried about liability. Best wishes, Margaret
Now that she's in the hospital, your fiance should tell them he can not provide care for her because of his injury. Placement will have to be found for her if it's determined that it would be an unsafe discharge for her to return home with no care.
Is she legally competent? What are her finances?
ANY REPUTABLE SOCIAL SERVCE WORKER WILL KNOW THAT.
If you are focused on the safest, most appropriate care FOR HER, it doesn’t matter what YOU or YOUR FIANCÉE have or don’t have.
Stop worrying about your fiancée, who is presumably a grown up.
REQUEST that she receive a comprehensive cognitive evaluation (at HER cost) while she is hospitalized., and if she is determined (as her DOCTOR seems to think) to be UNABLE to manage her own affairs, find the best residential facility SHE can afford and place her.
Your “stomach disease and Fiancée’s bad back” are NOT RELEVANT to her needs. Do what you can for HER, at her cost, and move on.
Make sure the discharge planners know neither of you can care for her. They will lie, promising you all sorts of help. It is a lie. Stick to your guns and they’ll keep her until transferring her to a rehab.
If she goes on Medicaid her house is an exempt asset. If you have cared for her more than two years you can declare Caregiver Exemption and can remain in the home. An Elder Lawyer can give u more info.