My sister has POA of my mother, and now shut me out. She’s removed my name from all med records & refuses to let me see our mother. Our mother is bed fast & lives with my sister and is 80% aphasic & can’t confirm identifiers. Only after gettin to see her in the Hospital a few weeks ago, i realized why my sisters keeping her from me, she’s not bathing her properly and isn’t caring for her contracted hand that’s completely curled under wrist. Asking my sister why she’s not providing proper care, angered her & since she lives with my sister? she won’t answer my calls & when i attempt to see her, she sees me & let’s me keep knocking, never opening door. i don’t have 10k for retainer to file for guardianship, as i know she’ll contest it. i feel she’s letting our mother waste away & she tells our mother im trying to come put her in a nursing home, which ISNT TRUE! But now my mom seems afraid to see me??? IM DESPERATE FOR HELP!!
You may be right your sister may not be bathing mom enough, but what is the other side? Is mom not being bathed because your sister is going 24/7 waiting hand and foot on mom, and sis is so exhausted that she just can't take anymore.
Should of, could of , would of? The best thing that you could have done is maybe , think without emotions and asked your sister if she needs help, before accusing her.
But all this can not say your wrong, or sister is wrong. Id say you have two choices , call APS, or swallow your pride and tell your sister that you want to make things better and start helping more. Then you would be around at least to help and to know if there is large neglect.
Best of luck
I don’t blame your sister. I wouldn’t want you around either.
I agree with Alva. You're out of line here. Apologize to your sister and see how you can help her with this huge burden instead of telling her what she's doing wrong. Living with and caring for an elder in this condition is hell on earth.
Bedbound people get contractures. Your mother should be in a care facility. Neither you not your sister should have her in your homes. She needs a staff.
The worst you have to say is about a contractured hand. Your mother is dying, and THAT is what you are worried about? Because other than a small, folded soft cloth to keep nails from digging in and to prevent yeasts from talking up housing in the moisture of this hand there is little to NOTHING to be done about this.
Why in the WORLD would you want guardianship? It's clear sister is the caregiver. She likely dislikes you at the least fears you at the worst.
Here's what you can do if you really care.
Write a letter to sis:
"Dear Sister:
I am throwing myself upon your mercy.
I clearly gave offense and when I think it over I had a lot of nerve suggesting ANYTHING to you when YOU are doing all the care for our Mom. Now I have somehow offended you and scared Mom and I am so dreadfully sorry. I can't imagine I had the nerve to criticize anything when I do so little.
I beg you to give me another chance.
And please, let me help. Make an amazon wish list of something so I can send you supplies you need. Create me a shopping list and I will come with groceries. Let me deliver you food or food cards from a place you like. Tell me what you need. When you trust me let me give you a few days off so I can take on the care; let me hire someone for you a day a week.
I am so sorry. Let me help. If I offend you again tell me to leave and I will do so at once. Love, your Sis.
There you go. My suggestion for peace.
Or hey, you can always come up with that 10K. I think actually that's cheap today. Was the standard about 5 years ago. Bet you could double it today, and you would, of course, lose in court.
OR
You can call APS for a wellness check if you REALLY want to be locked out forever. Because they will ask you for proof and if this contractured hand is what you have? Not good. And if they visit sister will know who sent them. And when APS tells you "no case" you will likely get a restraining order with your next pounding at the door.
Now, you MAY have something you didn't tell us. Squalor or meanness or neglect. But if not, my final word here is OMG, your POOR sister. I hope mom left her EVERYTHING. But most often the case is that nothing is left, and mom leaves only memories of pain behind. I think that your sister has taken on a job that is likely more than she should or could do without help; that isn't mine to judge if she is doing an adequate job; she isn't the one who wrote us.
Clearly the sister is unable to provide and hasn't been providing adequate care for the mother if her hands have contracted so badly. That doesn't happen in one day. As we both know there are special gloves and fabric braces that can be used for a bedbound person getting contractures. Also frequent repositioning and exercizing the person twice a day or more can help prevent them. Sometimes they happen anyway.
My friend, you know I've seen every family dynamic there is. When one adult child is caregiving and won't allow the other (or others) to even visit, it's usually because there's something they don't want anyone seeing. Like neglect.
The OP should take to someone over at APS.
I will mention though if your mom was in the hospital a few weeks ago the medical staff are MANDATED reporters of abuse. If they suspected there was a problem they would have reported it and possibly not released her until they were sure there was no abuse.