Anyone else dealing with a narcissistic mother with Alzheimer's?

My mother in law has Alzheimer's. I am beginning to wonder if it is her Karma, because she could not have been any crueler if she tried, any more manipulative or deceptive. Three days ago, she trapped my cat in between the outside door, and the screen door, after having claimed she could not walk. Right.

NARCISSISSTIC MOTHERS ARE NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE, THEY ONLY LOVE THEMSELVES

NARCISSISSTIC MOTHERS ARE NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE, THEY ONLY LOVE THEMSELVES

You will never win your mother's approval, no matter how hard you and your sister try. You both have made every reasonable effort, and neither of you should feel you have any obligation to be a whipping post for your mother. Taking this kind of abuse is very dangerous to your sister's health and to yours. Why not stand back and accept the limitations - if your mother is not at the stage where incompetency could successfully be pursued? If she is involved in behavior dangerous to herself or others, can you notify adult protective services and ask for a welfare check? This at least should get her on their radar and show that you guys are trying your best to help, but are stymied by her.

Unfortunately, I too have an 82 year old narcisstic mom diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Although I have experienced much of what was posted here, I am dealing with a different situation. I live in a different state than my mother, sister and brother. I have traveled home to try to assist my sister and brother with her care but am repeatedly shut out. My sister, who is really her primary caretaker, does not live with my mother. My mother viciously lashes out at her whenever she attempts to help her. She does not allow my sister in the house often and refuses to allow hired daily home care workers to visit on a regular basis. She is in a very paranoid state and believes everyone is against her. She also feels that she does not have the disease and will not accept the diagnosis even though doctors have told her that she does. My sister tries to check on her as much as possible. My brother is in complete denial. He feels that, even though my mother has demonstrated life threatening behavior, that she should be allowed
to live alone and do as she pleases. He does not visit her often nor does he pick up the phone to discuss how we can work together to help her. My mother allowed him to be her POA because she knew that he would avoid any confrontations with her. He doesn't seem to want to face reality. My sister has gone through hell with my mother. The verbal abuse is unbelievable. I have tried to suggest things to help but whatever I suggest is met with attacks toward me. I have gone to stay with my sister to try to work things out and determine what we can do but we just end up arguing with each other. None of us are
able to communicate in a civil, rational way. My mother fostered this kind of attitude while we were growing up. There was little love demonstrated in our home. She never appreciated the accomplishments of her children and didn't appear to want us to love and appreciate each other either. She spoke only of her accomplishments without valuing any of ours. Even though we are all pretty successful, not an ounce of pride was shown by she or my father (who is deceased). Now we are unable to work together to get her the help she so desperately needs. I keep reaching out but continually get slapped in the face for my efforts. What should I do?

((((((leslie))))) and everyone. Have you checked out the website "daughtersof narcissisticmothers" ? Many have found it useful. The games played by a narcissist are so draining. Learning how to detach is a necessary survival skill. Our situations don't get easier as they and we age. My mother is 101 and I am 75 (76 next month) and still dealing with it all, We are in crisis mode right now and I need some peace in my life. Be sure to look after yourself!

Whew - nice to be not alone, though I don't wish this on anyone!

When mom was diagnosed with AD one of the first things i noticed was that she seemed a lot less inhibited. Mom could always say one thing but if you could read her face it told a different story. It was like all the things she would never say before suddenly came out of her mouth. I said it was like with AD all the things mom would never say to your face she would say now and not even care about it. I just try and remember what she appeared to be like and what she was really like when i was younger and she was still ok. I realize that her underlying personality is what is really coming out with this disease because she is no longer able to keep up this facade. Every case is different so i can only hope that this mite help. Good luck! :-)

It's all a mental disorder. Is she on Exelon or Namenda or something that will balance her? With my parent I found nothing worked for very long, then it made things worse. Often, less meds is more, because they are more sensitive and their brains are on the way out; so a dosage for a psychotic brain would be too much for an Alzheimer's brain.
It's a painful waiting game and making the best of a difficult psychological situation. Don't take anything personally or second guess yourself. Hopefully, we will find out someday that we did more than was humanly possible to cope. xo

Thank you onlyoneholly and emjo. I am trying to get something in writing from one of the two psychistrists and from her GP so that I have a diagnosis for sure, but I am also tryhing to get her into an outpaitent behavioral program. That psychistris said she has Alzheimer's but I have nothing to show it or prove it. I do need help. I am in a support group for Alzheimer's caregivers, I have a psych nurse that comes in once a week, but it seems we are going nowhere. Thanks for any suggestions you have given me. I intend to follow up on them. Thanks. I really have been abused, and I wouldn't have taken it from anyone else. Isn't that weird?

(((((Kerri)))))), and (((((((gs))))))nand anyone else dealing with a narcissist/BPD parent, Please get help for you. Their emotional abuse is so destructive. Truly I do not believe that the child of an abusive mentally ill parent should be doing the hands on caregiving. It is far too difficult. The psychologist Pauline Boss believes that it is too damaging. Her comment is to be humane to your parent , but also prevent further harm to yourself. Her solution is that you arrange for others to care for your parent, and that you oversee that care at arms length. I will quote Paulo Coehlo : When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying `no toi yourself.`Please take care of yourselves, and give this serious thought. Local social services may be able to help you or direct you to help. Kerri - I am appalled at the doctor, but I know that narcissists can give a very good impression when they want to and can pull people over to their side for a while anyway. I also know the hurt of that kind of behaviour and have had counselling to help me recover.

gsw -- is your parent actually diagnosed with Alz? If so, she should qualify for something, even if she is financially in-between Medicaid and having "just enough" income. My parent has not been diagnosed w/ Alz, she just displays the BPD Narcissist behaviors. General practitioners cannot/will not diagnose with surety on this one because it is a very sneaky disorder; I guess you'd have to have "big bucks" to get a specialist. Even better spent for now would be for you to ask your doctor to refer you to a counselor so YOU can get some help. You need to talk this out with a professional. Please, pour out all the hurts, the perceptions, the wonder-whys. Do this for yourself. If you talk it out with someone besides a specialist in BPD-N disorders, then ask the person to familiarize themselves with BPD-N from info in a book or on the "net. Folks who are not around this cannot quite grasp how BPD-N's can seem so normal, yet wreak such havoc with "loved one's" emotions. It is real though. I believe you. Good luck.

All I can say is that I can identify with all of the above. It's really hard to have to deal with someone 24/7 like I do and many of you do that you don't really even like as a person. I love my mother or I wouldn't care about her and be doing this. She is not someone I would ever choose for a friend, but here I am having to spend all of my time with her. It is extremely hard, and she always finds someone else to blame for her unhappiness. I am slowly getting used to realizing that and not taking it personally. She is an unhappy and angry woman who is very self-centered, but I realize that and I am trying to let things "roll off" my back and not get tied in knots over it. She is nice to other people, and that is what makes it so hard. I always wonder why she can be nice to strangers but not to me? When she's with me, which is all the time now, she complains about my sister and how terrible she is, etc. When she was at my sister's, she did the same about me. I have done a lot of research into her condition and can understand a little bit better why she acts like this. We can't really win, but we can feel good about what we are doing/did, even if they never, ever appreciate anything we do. I keep that in mind. I am doing what I feel is right, but I sure could use a break. That is what really gets to me if I let it: thinking I can never go on a trip or vacation or even for a day since I have no help. She isn't eligible for medicaid but doesn't have a lot of money to spend on outside care. I need to find a solution for that. My sister has pretty much removed herself from the equation, so it is primarily me with a short visit from every month or so. This does not help me. Good luck. I haven't given up, yet, of finding a solution to getting a little respite. You are not alone and I pray for strength for all of us. We need it.

My mom is now saying she plans to move back to [the country she was born in] and run for senate there. That's the narcissism - she has to be important. I do see the humor in it.

Kerri -- like Debi1306 mentioned in her post, you just make sure the basics are taken care of. Document proof with photos, even do some recording if you need to, of her "telling tall tales" or lying to you. It's so wrong for her to do that; she should not shame you to the doc. She is doing something wrong and is ashamed to admit it. Maybe she wants to be "caught" -- it's a nasty little game that narcissists like to play. Confront her -- have all the neighbors over for "tea" and ask directly what your parent says about you, while she is there to listen. You'll find out soon enough that they will find excuses to put her off the phone. It's a nasty little game your parent is playing. It sounds like you've sacrificed a lot and tried and tried. You want to be acknowledged as "good" and to get a real heartfelt thank you every once in awhile. Maybe it will happen, maybe not. Please don't sacrifice a big chunk of your life unless you really want to.

Wow... I am so thankful for this site. My mom has dementia and is a narcissist also. My younger brother passed away in 2009, so it has been hard for her since then. I also have realized after talking to her neighbors and friends, how I was not the "favorite child"; in fact, I was shunned and only my brother was talked about in glowing words.. I miss my brother so much, I loved him and he always made me smile, but finding out how I was always the "black sheep" was unnerving to me. Now, I am her only caregiver. I did a short sale on my house in Arizona and moved into her apartment (in her basement) to take care of her. I had no idea how hard this would be. I found a job immediately, so that was good, but like another post above, she constantly calls neighbors and tells them how bad it is to have me here. I do all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning and have a full time job and take care of 4 dogs and her cat. I am never able to leave the house without her - if I try, she throws a tantrum, and calls the neighbors and lets them know that I don't take care of her. I have only left the house without her to go to the gym, and get my hair cut. I pay for all of the groceries, repairs, etc.... I am going insane. Just recently, she apparently decided to stop taking one of her blood pressure medicines, but replaced them with her Vesicare. I did not realize she would do something like this! I was at the emergency room with her this weekend, trying to get her blood pressure down. It was really high. So, on Monday, when we went to see her Dr., she told HIM that she stopped taking one of the blood pressure medicines.. She actually told me every day when I asked, that she WAS taking her medicine... Her doctor spoke very harshly towards me about not watching her meds... I started crying... I could not believe my mom would lie to me, but then, she would tell her doctor this! I am so frustrated, tired and depressed.. I want to thank everyone who posts on this site because I also thought I was alone in this...

I too have learned the hard way.... I can not stress enough to all of you - the only thing we are responsible for in their care is make sure they are fed, have a place live and Health care. That's it. Nothing else. It took me a long time to learn this and then only a short time to get rid of the guilt! Get rid of the "fix it" mentality. You cannot fix any of their problems! Good luck and I will be thinking of you all - everyday!

Additional, I know deep down my mom loves me, she just never how to show from her childhood for her father did to her as she has done to me. Funny how love showes itself in so many ways, you just have to figure out the healthy way from another of love. My thoughts are with each of you who is going through the road of taking care of parent, parents or family member.

I can relate to each of your comments about alzhemier/narcissistic mother . My mom worships the ground my brother walks on and never, never shows anything around him, he can do no wrong. My sister just most part does not come around, when she does mom will think she did do something nice, but still knocks her down. So it is me to take care of mom. My family always say it is a history with mom and I, but she can, has been so mean in words to me all my life. She has given to me, but then turn around and throw it in my face to point I take nothing. A big part of this is with brother and sister that they have put her on me so they would not have to deal with her, put off to me and they could have a life. She fits the part of alzehimer/narcissistic mother so much! I have tryed to tell my family it is not I, yes at times I may just get fed up, but I leave when it gets to that. She has called the police on me, and tells complete different stories, or office of agings. She throws things at me, tries to hit me, tells me she would like to hurt me, (doctors has told me not turn my back on her for she will hurt me, she loves me, but she takes her unhappiness, or what ever out on me), and my grandchildren, when we have stop by, has seen this side of her. I am a good daughter, I have worked all my life, have friends, done missions trips, volunteer, give my shirt off my back, to friends tells me every day the kind spirt I have, just try to have a life that one should have and be thankful, I have always done for my mom, that is probably the issue I have always enable her, her actions. The time I felt so unloved and realize was when my stepfather was having brain surgery and she was in one of her moods that morning and turn on me started argument and finally said: How did God give me a child as you. Our pastor and my stepfather brother there and heard the whole thing and went to talked to her and the pastor ate lunch with my and my coworkers one day and told the story and said she had a real problem. I thought that some day from her that I she would see see me and love me, but now know different. She has been married four times and everything is about her. She cannot take responseibility for her actions, she tells she can be mean if she wants to and can make others believe her. She was so spoil when a child, as well she had an over bearing mother. It is always about her. No matter how you try to speak soft, not malice in voice, try to help, or not help or etc never good enough. So I finally taped our conversations and let my family listen, as well as a psych friend of the family and finally they have seen. It just took me tooo long to think of doing that. I am now the one to take care of her 24/7. The emotional roller coster I am on minute by minute. Sleep lost due to she is up and down all night, hard to get her to take her medicine, to she just does not think anything wrong with her to just daily. Doctor DX her alzehemir just that, does not think anything wrong, she gets agressivie, anxity, panic, paranoid, comfusion to not remembering, your wrong what your are saying, etc. Mom is so sweet and kind to others, but me in stores or what ever happens blames me. I just try to keep faith each day. I finally asked her the other day would she ever love me and she said I was despictable, how do you love that, but you do-do some nice things for me and I am okay then. Later that day she said she was sorry, but as we all know once the words comes out hard to take back. Yes now with the alzhimers, congested heart failure and on her last leg of her journey of life I am just doing what a daughter can do and know it is not me, spend the time with her so not have any regrets and remember at times, now, not her, and know it was never me in all the years of growing up. She was just an unhappy person through life. I love my mom with all my heart, and I will keep her out of a nursing home, and in the end I know I have no regrets. And I have told my daughter she better promise me if I ever do as mom has take me out back and shoot me, just joking, but I do not want her to ever endure what I have had to.

Thanks for the originator on this topic, It has brought some peace to my life knowing that there are so many other dysfuntional mothers out there. I always pitied myself..lol...cause my friends' parents were so nice and they had such happy families, and my mom made me miserable...it is nice to know that my mom was not the only one, so that I can appreciate that this must be some kind of disorder and just enjoy the happy moments!

i'm sorry for my typos...i meant to say...they just get worse as the dementia or age increases..i had always hoped for a sweet little old man....i now realize...it will never happen, and he will never love me...or i guess anyone..he's too bitter and self absorbed...and it's ok...

i think, whatever works , is the way to go!!!!! with my father, if my mother leaves the room for a second, he calls the police....this from the man who demands my mother makes all phone calls for him, and claims he is blind and can't see.....it seems as selfish, angry miserable people just get worse...wow...we all really need each other...one second at a time.

I too have a problematic mother. She has not yet been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but her mother had the disease. My mother also has a narcicissitic personality. Of late my mom has been harder to handle. She yells and curses and is just plain mean. Nothing makes her happy and she is miserable about everything. You just can't please her. She disrespects both myself and my sister who liver with her and treats my sister, who is her daily provider, miserably.

I am writing to tell you of a success I have had of late. When mom's behaviour goes down this road and she acts badly, we just calmy tell her that we do not deserve to be treated in this manner and will not be around her when she behaves this way and we leave the room and leave her alone for a while. After a few hours, mom actually apologized to my sister for cursing at her. This was a first for us.

You see although we live together, we have separate floors and we usually eat dinner together and see each other periodically during the day. When we told mom we were leaving we did not see her for dinner and she was on her own for the day.

She is able to take care of her self and all of her issues are with controlling and narcissicitic behaviour.

By us leaving her on her own, we sent a message that we were no longer going to be around her behaving in that manner.

By mom actually apologizing to my sister showed us that we made a bit of progress with her and this is the pattern we will now follow when this type of behavious pops up.

Not sure if this will help but we believe that setting up boundaries is now the way to go. And if leaving her on her own is the way to send the message, then so be it.

We just can't be abused like this any more.

Not sure if what we are doing is right, but it is the only way we can think of to survive.

Positive- that is a great way of putting it - kick them out of your head. I am going to use that. With my own mother, I realized the narcissism dominated my childhood. At some point, I just decided she didn't get to dominate my adult life too. That helped me a lot. She passed away a few years ago. I miss the good parts of her, and I know she loved me. But, I have had to aknowledge how her behavior has affected me as an adult- being a pleaser, not always standing up for myself. You're right, it should be a mental illness.

I could sign under every single post here. One thing I don't understand is why Narcissism is not acknowledged as a mental disease. Every forum I have seen describes my Aunt (who forcefully decided that she has replaced my mother for my own good). She does not Alzheimer's but I can see the dementia signs already. I have spoken to various specialists - they all say she is a sociopath, some say she has also a paranoia (e.g. our neighbor is poisoning her while watering plants on the balcony. The water for flowers apparently contains some awful chemicals. The neighbor does that intentionally of course).

I see a dementia signs, and this terrifies me. I have read somewhere that Alzheimer's brings out the true self in a person. My mother died of it 2 years ago, and she loved literally everyone. She would approach a stranger and tell him/her "you are a good person". But that was my mother. If dementia brings out the true self in my Aunt - that will be one manipulating, mean liar. I am getting ready to line up the hired help because I know I will need to replace them every week.

The only thing that helps me over past few years in knowing that there are so many people like me, and when I vent here, everyone understands it. My friends don't get it. They all nod their heads and say their parents are showing old age related mood changes as well.

So the only advise - if you manage to learn to kick out your mother from your head even for short periods of time and replace her with something you like it might help. Two years ago I realized that from the moment I woke till I fell asleep, I only could hear my Aunt's voice in my head. Anything I did I could hear her judging me and insinuating that I am not capable of doing anything useful. When I realized that I allowed to become a bigger part of I started pushing her out. It did take terrible two years, but today I even manage to listen to her and not hear. Mind you she noticed the changes and tried to commit a suicide twice - when she did not get what she wanted. I have a good therapist as well - try to find one too.

In short start living your life ASAP. Can't help Narcissism, can't help dementia but you CAN help yourself.

Don't let that last sentence happen. Take care of yourselves. If he was in his right mind, he wouldn't want you to throw your lives on the fire for him. You've done all you can. You're right. He can go somewhere. All he needs is a clean bed and daily meals, and to be generally cared for. If he doesn't appreciate that from his family and makes it impossible to provide that level of care, what else can you do? He goes beyond the "being difficult" many of us experience from our parents/grandparents/spouses. You've got to draw the line. Good luck, and don't let this unravel your lives any further.

I am actually sorry that I let mom beat me so far down in spirit until it made me physically ill. I was a much stronger woman all my life until I felt it was my duty to stay with her because she was widowed. When she started punching my face in 2 Christmas Eve's in a row and pulling my hair..my body went haywire completely. I left 9 months ago and had a broken pelvic bone and needed to heal, so I went to nursing home for a month just so I didn't have to go back to her. My Pastor told me to call the police on her many times and he told me to move. I wouldn't until she finished me off mentally and physically. My Doctor told me 10 years ago to pack and leave the very same day. The police told me the same after they found I was right that she was nuts. I only wish I had listened the first time. I always honored my mother and father. After my sister died and I was left by myself with mom, I figured it was all up to me to see her to the end. I will, but not live with her again to be abused. There is a line to be drawn between honoring and being abused. No-one should ever be abused by anyone, not even parents. I will grieve horribly when Mom passes i know that. And, I will wish she were alive, but she can't hurt me that way anymore. God bless all of you who are working so hard to see your parents through. I see mom through now by phone with her financial advisor and her 3 caregivers. They are younger than me.

Marylee, I appreciate your comment and you're right - supporting each other is the thing, a great source of strength. From my own experience, things did not start to look up for me healthwise until I realized that I had a lot of misconceptions about religious duty to one's parents. I happened to have an opportunity to talk with a priest who is a moral theologian and found that a lot of things I thought the "Bible said" just were not so. I was being blindsided by my ignorance. I think that none of us need "false guilt" to make difficult situations harder and sharing information is helpful to making good decisions. But I do realize that everyone's circumstances and history is different - one size won't fit all.

rovana...i don't think you understand..why some people are staying..to take care..as for my mom..she's afraid she'll be charged with abandonment..instead of second guessing..let's all just support each other..we all have our reasons...for whatever..and where ever life has taken us...let's not do the could have , would have ..should haves...we express it here..because this is where we expect people ..to at least TRY and understand...thanks...for trying to understand what i'm saying..:) let's all get along..

I'm honestly puzzled about why anyone would have such a person in their home - "parent" or not. I realize that extreme financial circumstances might make any other solution than care in your home impossible, but nobody has any obligation to be abused - if a person is destructive, then placing them in some kind of insitution is entirely justified. All people have human rights, not just parents, or old people.They did not have a right to abuse you when you were a child, so why would they have a "right" to abuse you at any other time in your life? It seems that people can lose all perspective in dealing with an elderly parent, but no one of us is the center of the universe, with everyone else just the furniture.