Obligations to in-laws. Where do you draw the line?

Stop forcing your husband to have a relationship with his mother. Be grateful that he is man enough to keep that "viper" out of your lives and protect his marriage. Stop worrying about his mother and follow his lead when it comes to his mother.

Your MIL could be mine.

After 46 years of her putting me down, belittling me, saying nasty, horrible things to me and DH just sitting back and allowing it, b/c "she's old, you have to make allowances". Phooey! She was 44 when I married into the family--that's old?? I was supposed to allow her to destroy me over and over--for what purpose??

I never fought back. I cried a TON. My poor kids, they saw what was going on and are mad to this day at their father who never said a word in my defense. They don't like grandma much either.

One year ago--a little more, since I know we weren't wearing masks yet-- I had to accompany DH to her house while he fixed her computer. She would not allow me to sit down, I had to stand there like a whipped dog. Finally DH says "Oh, for pity's sake, grab the office chair and sit down". She tried to argue with him, but I did get to sit. (My bad back was grateful!) Then, b/c she had been 'thwarted' she laid in to me something fierce. Just vitriol, nasty, hateful yelling at me. DH is deaf as a post and so is she, so she couldn't hear him and he wasn't even trying to listen to her. I sat there and had a great epihany. I didn't HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HER!!

I got up, slapped her on the back and said "V, I'm giving you the best gift in the world. I'm leaving and you'll never see me again" Followed by a good slap on the back and the theft of a Diet Coke.

I slammed out the back door, which neither one of them heard, darn it. Walked the few blocks to my sister's and by the time I got there I was laughing. Sis sat me down, fed me some chocolate and we talked and by the time DH came to get me I was fine.

And I have not spoken to nor seen my MIL since. NOTHING could make me see her again and I don't intend to. Why? Why put yourself in the line of fire?

I TRULY did not know people as nasty as my MIL actually existed.

Here's my hard no's of what I will not do:

see her again, ever
go to her funeral (but she is never going to die--she tells us that all the time)

Isn't that sad? Really, she could have had a good friend in me. I cannot change her and I'm OVER changing me for her.

Your husband already draws his line at NOT having a relationship with his mother. Why do you force him to have a relationship with an abusive viper? Do you want him to keep getting bitten over and over? Why? Oh, is it because she gave birth to him and that entitles her to abuse him for the rest of her life?

How about he forces YOU to have a relationship with his viper mother? Would you like that? There's nothing virtuous about having to be abused by a parent.

It's very simple -- You mother's children (ideally) are responsible for her safety and care. However, neither they nor their spouses are required to provide that care, nor are they required to pay for that care.

Find a nursing home where MIL will be properly cared for. Use her funds to pay for it, and if she can't afford it, apply for Medicaid for her. After she's been placed in a facility where her basic needs will be seen to, you and your husband can interact with her as much or as little as you choose.

You draw the line where you think it's best to be drawn.
This applies to in-laws, parents, siblings, anyone.
If someone can't stand a person and never had a real relationship with them they should not feel obligated to do for them. Just because a person is in someone's life for many years or they're a relative, does not mean they're owed something from people they've never treated well or been close with.
If your husband is limits his contact with his mother, he has reasons for this. Don't push him to visit her or even see her if it's not what he wants to do.
As far as you're concerned, you don't owe her a thing.

I won’t do any caregiving at all for my in-laws. And my husband fully supports that. They aren’t bad people, but they also have been self absorbed for as long as I’ve known them, taking little interest in us or our children. Our now adult kids all say they feel no obligation to visit them, a relationship was never established by my disinterested in laws. They’re showing many more signs of aging issues now, but we’re not jumping in. Do what gives you peace, nothing more

Hands-on physical caregiving (the original poster’s ‘hard nos’), are better done by skilled, trained professionals who are, themselves, younger and less likely to be injured in the process. 31 years married? You’re not young, yourself. I have a hard time lifting my 20 pound cat! I could not lift, catch, or prevent a fall with a 100 lb+ person. I would not endanger my mother or MIL by imagining I could be a fantastic caregiver in that way.

Add in MommyDearestMIL’s years of resentment from an abusive person, and continued, ongoing verbal abuse, and hands-on care is a recipe for unhappiness for one and all. I would NOT want to be cared for by someone I dislike who also dislikes me! Sometimes the best thing you can do is recognize you can’t do a job by yourself, even if pure-of-heart and willing to try.

Your husband can decide to do as much or as little as he chooses in helping to arrange for or “manage” her care. Nowhere is it written that ones child must care for their parent as they age and the the way we choose to treat people, including family, throughout life are also the only way we can expect to be treated later in life even though some get lucky. Your husband doesn’t have to have a close relationship with his mom though I suspect your reminding or urging him to go see her is more because you feel it’s important for him in the end and you know him best. Visiting once in a while does not mean either of you need to do any personal or hands on care however.

Do you or your husband have any idea what if anything she may have set up? Does he have any legal authority to help? If not maybe she has made her statement and if she has set that up and he chooses to take on any responsibility for the arrangements you can either choose to support HIM by helping behind the scenes or simply providing moral support, it’s entirely up to each of you independently and together. Either way discussing it together is going to help you both through this as involved or not you are attached as family and will be privy to whatever happens. You have no legal or moral responsibility to her, your responsibility is only to your husband and it sounds like he is either conflicted himself or has made his decision and you need to have a discussion together about that. At least IMHO (in my humble opinion)

I wanted to tell you that your MIL is as toxic as one I know. You really must stop pushing your DH to interact with her.
It could literally kill him.
We have a family member who is exactly as you describe. Narcissistic tendencies for sure. When I read the book “The Sociopath Next Door” I thought that fit her even better.

Her only child had to cut his parents totally out of his life on doctors orders. He had been suicidal. They cut ties for over a decade. She stalked them. They had to call the police, had counseling with their ministers etc. The ministers told MIL she was wrong. She changed churches.

In time, she stopped but if her sons family was mentioned, she would leave, go pout, become angry. She of course blamed it all on the DIL. Time passed. And MIL father died.
Son and family came to the funeral. Everyone was so happy to see them. Little by little they would attend family events.
Of course the MIL was quick to return to her old pattern but this time the kids had stronger boundaries and the vulnerable grandkids were mostly grown. That lasted awhile.

Then MIL DH had a heart attack and died. It’s a wonder he lasted as long as he did. So much drama. He was in his mid 60s. She was filled with remorse for how she had treated him.

But in a year or so, after her DIL did everything she could for her, MIL was back. DIL had helped her learn how to pay her bills, moved her into a smaller home after selling her house for her, had her to dinner. Slowly all the old patterns returned. Time passed.

DIL would push her husband to call his mother, send her a card, buy her a gift etc. which he clearly did not want to do. DIL would complain, I can’t get him to do anything. He leaves it up to me. He had health issues. He was exhausted. He went to counseling, lost weight, cooked great meals, loved his grands. Worked all the time.
MIL began to push, push push. DIL was pushing on the other side. The grands tolerated her but they were adults now and preferred to not see her. One Monday morning early we get a call. The son was found on the bedroom floor passed away from a heart attack. Mid 50s.

The ever kind DIL had a nice funeral for his mother’s benefit.
She and her husband had discussed their wishes and his was no service and cremation. Of course they thought it would be many years before such an event. But the DIL gave her husband a nice service, during COVID, well attended. I watched as the MIL fussed with the flowers and casket, moved his hair and arranged it like she wanted and never acknowledged her DIL and I thought to myself for the millionth time… This woman is nuts.
The DIL looked on and was fine.

Later MIL continued to come to family events at DIL home but would not even say hello to the DIL. She would swamp the grands. Finally she went one step too far with the GD one day recently and got called to task.
I waited to see what tales would come my way. How she would spin this. Crickets. But it’s early days and she’ll be sharing with her church friends and forget what really happened.

The GD stood up to her GM and cut her off at the knees when the GM tried to blame the current snafu on her DIL, GD mom.
The GD who has had a ringside seat all the years her mom had tried to build peace was not having it.

The DIL told her daughter…You will have to forgive her or it will eat you up. She is family…DIL still pushing. In a sad way, she’s still doing what her MIL does. Trying to control the narrative. it’s hard to break a generational dysfunction.

I was proud of the GD. She had put up with so much from her GM when she was a child. Now the GM was trying the same tactics on GD 5 yr old trying to instill “FOG” into her little GGD. The GD knows what she sees and put a stop to it.

This MIL has caused great harm. If DIL doesn’t knock it off she’ll do the same to her DD.

DIL and her husband would have celebrated their 30th anniversary last week. So many similarities to your story.

The limits you've listed on caring for your in-laws are the same I had for caring for my dear parents - not because I hated them or they were toxic, but because it's hard physical work that I felt I wouldn't be capable of doing well. It's not like I shunned them physically, but when incontinence and other issues that arise with being wheelchair-bound came up, I was fortunate that my parents had the financial wherewithal to get them help to do the difficult physical caregiving. If your mother-in-law doesn't have enough savings, she may need to go on Medicaid or be part of other low-income programs. It's a personal choice, but I feel that many of us at midlife and beyond should not be expected to do hands-on care on a regular basis because it's very wearing and draining and we're asking for injury and burnout if we try to take on full care. If a family wishes to take on that personal care, it is most appropriate to share it among several grown children and grandchildren, not just one, and to supplement with some in-home paid caregivers.