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My parents were the children of the Great Depression so I learned to save for those "rainy days" and as one gets older it will be pouring out there. Hubby learned from his parents, too. So we are a good fit when it comes to finances, and having all our legal documents up-to-date.
When our house becomes too much, especially the stairs, I have no problem moving into a senior community. Hubby on the other hand isn't gun-ho on that idea. We have a lot of choices in our area. Some have apartments with square footage as large as our house. Condo fees are high but come with good perks. Plus located very close to outstanding medical care.
I know I don't want the step-children to help me, too much high drama in their lives, and I refuse to disrupt the step-grandkids (college age) to help. I always cringe whenever I read about a grandchild putting the brakes on their own lives to care for grandma. Hubby had mentioned having the grand-daughters help out. Nope, nada, never.
That is a great question. Most people prepare for death with wills and trusts but don’t realize the real trouble comes not when you die, but when you are mentally or physically unable to take care of yourself. I have put down many animals - dogs, cats, horses - over the years. I loved them all, but when their quality of life went to zero, I chose to help them exit their suffering. I wish people had the same choice.
So do I--very much! Neither my husband (who will be 95 in 3 days) or me (88 in January) ever thought we'd still be hanging around at these ages. But here we are.
Caring for my combative mother with dementia was so stressful! We’ve told the kids they are to help assess suitable care homes should the need arise. No hands on caregiving! Now that our youngest is 18 we should assign POAs to our kids. Wills are already drawn up.
We love our large acreage and rural home in a desirable area. Some of our friends will struggle to retire. (we’re all 60ish) So we’ve been discussing a commune. Renting bedrooms or having friends park tiny homes, tying in to our wells, etc. We could pitch in to hire a cook, cleaner and maintenance help. Obviously that would require a seriously detailed agreement (and very judicious choices) as our needs change. But we see it an option as long as our health holds up and we can drive. We are already simplifying the upkeep and sorting stuff. Plus we have retirement savings.
Having said all of that, I have a fatal allergy so I’ve got an easy out if I need it. I’ll have one of those compartment rings made like secret agents wear in the movies.
CCRC (Continuing Care Retirement Community) for me. I've been looking at places online for years, ordered some materials in the mail. Now that dh has passed, it is time to take the next step (even though my son says, "Mom, why do you want to go live with old people?"). At 69 and in excellent health other than weight and fitness (both things totally in my control to fix, and I'm not, that's on me) I should have time to work through the process and not rush.
Timely discussion. I'm on my own now. Just as my caregiving tasks ended, my own health took a hit. Had to face fact that my snow-shoveling days were over. Now preparing to leave the rural home where I've lived for 40 years. My likely next chapter is a well-managed life-plan community in the nearby city. Basically will invest all my (few) assets in return for guaranteed care as my needs change.
I have discussed this plan with my stepchildren, who are willing to step up as sandwich-generation caregivers but just don't realize how hard that can be.
Remaining obstacles include summoning energy to purge 40 years' STUFF from house and prep it for sale.
We’ve got all the needed documents in place. If we live long enough will need to amend and take away each other as spouses as POA for each other. Have downsized houses once, will need to do so again, after we stop working. As for the real end, we can all wish to just go peacefully in our sleep, but unfortunately it most often doesn’t work that way. Hubby and I both find our feelings ever evolving on ending our lives ourselves after a horrible diagnosis, one that means either a long goodbye from mentally or physically falling apart. I know every generation judges to some degree the ones after them, we have real concern about many of the current 20 something’s been our caregivers one day, not sure they’d look up from their phones long enough to even notice
I've been thinking about this, it's kind of the subject, but off the rails a little.
Many parents now days are letting there young adults, not go to college, not work, and parents don't push them to do anything.
Then I watch the birds, when the younger birds get older they start pushing them out of the nest. I sometimes wonder if animals are the smarter species.
Anyways, I wonder if there are any animals where the child comes back and takes care of there parents.
No-humans do it too -return & care for parents. They come back in TWO'S , and I'll bet you can count on more than one hand how many times , in these posts, it's the IN-LAWS, usually DIL , doing all the Caring?
I'm like, throw my butt off a cliff when I'm old. I don't even think about it. Hopefully, I will retire to the country when I'm done with the insanity here in Washington, DC.
I'm a Home Health Aide and a Certified Nursing Assistant. I think people are living way too long. I'm seeing more and more cases of people with cognitive decline. It's like the brain is burning out but the body is still in full gear. I'm seeing burned out relatives looking to lash out at the first person they see. Unfortunately, I have been the recipient of these meltdowns.
I pray that I die in my sleep in my own home in peace. I take my meds and do doctor's visits. I'll let you know once I learn how to navigate Medicare which to me is a real nightmare. Right now, I'm too busy trying to stay alive instead of thinking about dying.
I have a black book with all of my important paperwork, life insurance policies, birth certificates and a makeshift will. I have an old car that still runs okay. I have a place in the mountains I want to be scattered. It's a cemetery of green burials.
I have seen so many cases where the body and the mind are both in severe decline, and I agree that people are living too long. I've seen so many nursing home residents who are just barely alive both mentally and physically. These people sit in their wheelchairs all day around the nursing station half asleep, mouths open not able to communicate with anyone. Some need to be fed , all need to have diapers changed regularly, and I am sure none of them have any quality of life. I hope I die before a severe decline. There are ways, messy as they may be to end one's life without spending years in slow death.
Saving lots of money for memory care. I've decided to stop taking my blood pressure meds at 65. I'm not going to fend off a heart attack just to die of some long-ass dementia. Chemo for cancer at 75? No thanks, I'll pass. I've thought about offing myself after a grim dx, but I'm pretty sure I'd chicken out a hundred times. So I'll pay for a facility. My family knows I do not want any of them trying to deal with me at home.
Please don't stop taking your blood pressure meds. It's not just heart attacks you should be worried about. High blood pressure leads to lower levels of oxygen in the blood and narrowed arteries, which can lead to other health issues, including brain damage and dementia. High blood pressure can lead to blood clots, which could cause a stroke. This in turn can lead to immediate cognitive decline and dementia.
Believe me, living with these conditions (which you could do for many years) would entail a reduced quality of life, with no capacity to make any worthwhile changes on your part. You would have to endure your condition and your lack of opportunity to make a better life.
After a recent medical scare, I updated my life insurance and bank accounts to make my mother the beneficiary. I wish I had someone I could trust to leave my assets to that would take care of her with it. I have gotten her a case manager through the county and they would have to help her navigate in case I suddenly died. It makes me feel better that at least she would have some money. If something happens to her, I am moving to Florida with my dog and will never come back here.
My DH and I just updated our paperwork . Leaving no “ tough health decisions “ for the kids to have to decide .
The next step is to figure out the best financial moves for now and during retirement . We have a few more years of working . Setting up appt for that . We are doing what we can to plan for our care . Our children are not our plan .
I have apologized in advance to my children numerous times if I ever get mean . I’m assuming I will get some form of dementia ……, grandma , mom , and now one sister has it . I hope , hope , hope, to be pleasant , cooperative , and agreeable like my grandmother was, when I need to be placed . I am hoping that since I respect my children as adults now , that that will help .
It seems the women who did not respect their adult children as adults to begin with , were the mean controlling ones with dementia as well , blaming their children for “ putting them away in a home “.
PS. Meanwhile my MIL has nothing in place . And has undiagnosed early dementia and lives in her home . 🙄🙄🙄 But she says she’s “ fine”.
Like I live most of my Senior Life -I try not to do anything out of Fear. I don't "push" relationships with Family, or Extended Family much at all, just stick to Who & When I wish to see or be with them. I do not care to do much traveling , at least to places I really dislike , and be with those I just "tolerate" , and particularly over wanting to Maintain any relationship with them so to have someone always in my life as I age. Should anyone wish to come stay with us, that's fine and I figure it was Meant to Be. It's well-appreciated. We do not discuss What IF's much at all -not in the "expected way". I believe my husband now, that he Has given me his answer, which is along the lines of ending it all. I don't plan at all right now , for where I end up. I decided to be happy with having lived here for over 40 yrs, that I 'd be happy at least still being in my own City , a small one with a big sense of Community. God has a plan for me, and up to the present , it's going well. , at least over my own aging and condition. I allow Family plenty of shoulder room, and only desire their care should they Want to do that. That , up to the present , also works well for us. Waytomisery-perhaps your mil IS fine , according to Her definition. I. myself, wouldn't want to "Over-plan" , especially too far in advance. Too many have become highly disappointed moving to a new, unfamiliar place , and can end up depressed and sick. But too-how do You know she has No Plan in Place? I assumed as much about My in-laws as well , but overall, turns out-they kind of did -but sharing all that with an In-Law wasn't part of Their plan. I wish I'd realized that while they were still living, I'd have saved myself a lot of grief, anger, frustration, and meanness, and allowed myself to just get on with my Own life -enjoying the Present and just caring for Myself ., and keeping the Faith -that really things were going along well for everyone. Look around-are they or you, yourself, Really "Going Without"?
I am school but I think people are simply living just too damn long. I will make sure to force my exit long before I become a burden to my husband.
People always call me insensitive when I say this but I never understood why our system forces families and those living with things like dementia to prolong what will 100% be a miserable life for someone or everyone.
People are quick to say think about the person with dementia but that conversation always ignores the caregiver. So yeah no way am I going leave my husband to make that choice. If something were to happen to me where I have the potential to become a burden I am done and will remove that choice from him.
Not as easy as you think, as Dorothy Parker posited. I myself wish they would issue us a pill for option, or that we at least had Pagasos or Dignitas. While many can afford to travel to Europe, their documentation, even to old divorces is amazingly onerous. One good thing to stay informed is joining FEN (Final Exit Network) for options. I do think that the VSED Handbook written by Kate Christie is excellent and with a good bibliography as well (Voluntary stop eating and drinking).
For one thing, I see my dad and step mom in their upper 90's. For me that is no way to live. They have assets so they are both in excellent facilities. Even so, there is a tremendous amount of time and emotions spent by family. They did not prepare well other than being extreme savers. I am developing a plan for me. I don't have bio children, but my husband and I don't want his kids to go through what I'm going through. My biggest advice - Plan Ahead!!! What ever that is from spending down for Medicaid at a decent facility, to having an "exit ramp" as some of my friends describe it. Plan!
I so hope our investments hold out. If so, that with the sale of my home should help keep me in a nice AL. My monthly income should help offset costs. My daughter is an RN in a NH and has worked several in the State she works, so if the time comes this is what I need, she will find me the best place. I so hope though, I never need a NH.
Been thinking about LTC insurance before cost becomes prohibitive so we have more options. Like Anxietynacy I think more about what I don't want to be. I don't want to be that stubborn person that won't accept help until it's too late, who won't use a walker until I fall, who won't hire help until it's a crisis, who won't leave the house bc I'm embarrassed about my ailments, who focuses on everything I "can't", but who knows how I will actually react when the time comes. Maybe I'll be blessed to be like my 89 yo mother in law who is still independent with few health issues. Maybe she's an outlier. Maybe I'll be more like my mom who can't catch a break.
So yah, hard conversations to have and think about before it happens. A good new years resolution.
My mother died at 95 and my father will be 96 on Wednesday. All I know is I don’t want to get that old and infirm, I’m hoping for a good heart attack before that point.
I've been too busy caring for my mom to think about it.
I'm currently 59, and for the past five years, my life hasn't been my own. Because my parents weren't very good planners, there is no retirement plan and no savings...just Medicare and a monthly social security check that isn't nearly enough to cover our monthly expenses. And because my mother's monthly check is just a hair over the maximum income guideline for Medicaid, we don't qualify for any additional help or benefits.
As a result, I'm not able to work because she now requires someone to be here 24/7. I've tried to embrace work-from-home opportunities, such as reselling which I really love, but it's nearly impossible to find the time to actually make a living from it, due to my ever-growing list of daily care responsibilities (shopping, cooking, tons of laundry, cleaning, yardwork, administrative stuff, mom care, etc.), not to mention the fact that I'm perpetually exhausted. Oh, and I've also cashed in my 401K to try and keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. So there's that.
I'm the beneficiary of a modest life insurance policy that will help me get back on my feet when the time comes, but it's not nearly enough to sustain me throughout my "golden years", and my daughter, (bless her heart) who lives in Maine, doesn't have a pot to piss in, so that's not an option. My mom has a reverse mortgage on our family home, but because we're no longer able to afford the exponentially increasing homeowners and flood insurance premiums (we live in South Florida - aka the godforsaken peninsula of DOOM), we will be so upsidedown by the time my mom passes that there will be little chance of seeing any profit from the sale of the home.
So, yeah...unless I win the lottery anytime soon, you'll most likely be able to find me (and probably a few cats) living in a van down by the river. LOL.
Have you looked into a Miller Trust for your mom's assets? Per a quick Google search they are allowed in FL. A Miller Trust, also known as a Qualified Income Trust (QIT), is a legal arrangement that allows Florida residents to qualify for Medicaid long-term care if their income exceeds the state's Medicaid income limit.
That is a good question, we can prepare as much as we think we should, and every possible angle , then life can throw you a curve ball, your way.
My husband being 12 years older than me, we have prepared for me being alone, for the most part, financially.
Honestly I'm just not planning on living past my date of being able to care for myself. 😂. That's my plan , but I probably should be thinking other plans.
Honestly I do think of somethings, like driving, which is why I live in town , hubby owns a family farm house in the country, as much as the country is beautiful, I don't want to be alienated in the country, even watching people walk by in the village makes me not feel alone, but that is just me.
So I do plan on taking advantage of things like ordering groceries, Uber. I think the older people that are entitled acting, always, from there childrens birth, expected the children to take care of them, and if you never had that intention, you won't expect it and become more independent.
I have no issues selling my house, and moving into senior housing or an AL.
Id say I read a long time ago, mentally in your head get rid of all your possessions, and feel the pain, to be less attached to stuff and things.
I'm going to keep reading what others say here, for more thoughts.
Also to add, mostly I've learned by watching other, learned what I don't want to be when I grow up! 🤣
I had a friend that was older, I got mixed in this friendship, she would call and ask us over, one or both and she would have a list of needs, she needed someone to carry pellets up from the basement , anything she could get outta people, and had much of her family running for her.
So I learned what and who I don't want to be, from her and from mom.
After watching my mom take care of my dad and my grandmother, and personally sharing in caregiving responsibilities for my FIL - heck yeah we've made plans. DH and I intend to stay home as long as is reasonable - and then we are fully prepared to go into assisted living or a skilled nursing facility. We have driven a extra money into our retirement savings for that purpose and have LTC insurance. We have zero intention or expectations of our daughters being responsible for our care. If only one of us is left - the only thing we will ask of them is to oversee our care and visit when they can.
My dad was a 'breeze" according to mom. He was appreciative of everything she ever did for him, and he did everything he could to make her life easier - and she was able to keep him home until the end, with the help of hospice and my brother and myself.
My FIL - was the complete and total opposite - he was demanding, arrogant, expected all of the family to give up their entire lives to ensure that he could stay in his home - while doing absolutely nothing to support that want. He NEVER had a plan. MIL tried to move them into a step up facility before she passed away - but FIL categorically refused. He once told my DH that he expected him to leave me and our children and come live with him to provide care. We were CLEARLY not even invited to come with him. We told him that we would do our best to keep him home as long as possible- but if he got to a certain point - we would have no choice but to find different care plans.
He got to that point (300lbs and no ability to get himself out of bed to go to the bathroom). He did not believe we would put him in residential care. Even though he agreed to it (because he could not afford skilled care in home) - he blamed us for not keeping him home until the day he died. (Mind you three of the four caregivers were still working full time, and we also had other family members who needed help)
My grandmother vacillates between "oh honey - you need time out of this house for yourself" and then refusing outside care. So she SAYS the right things but won't DO the right things. She and my grandfather paid astronomical amounts of money every year for an LTC plan that covers in home care at a fairly decent day rate. She refuses to have them in her home. Right now we are making due by having me provide respite for mom. But that's not sustainable as she's only getting one day a week away. Mom is falling into depression and I won't stand by and let her get to that point. She needs help and we are preparing an intervention for my grandmother in the next little bit to tell her that caregivers are coming in and if she won't allow that to happen - the only other option is for us to move her to a facility.
EVERYONE should have a plan for their aging that does not include their children providing hands on care. Period.
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When our house becomes too much, especially the stairs, I have no problem moving into a senior community. Hubby on the other hand isn't gun-ho on that idea. We have a lot of choices in our area. Some have apartments with square footage as large as our house. Condo fees are high but come with good perks. Plus located very close to outstanding medical care.
I know I don't want the step-children to help me, too much high drama in their lives, and I refuse to disrupt the step-grandkids (college age) to help. I always cringe whenever I read about a grandchild putting the brakes on their own lives to care for grandma. Hubby had mentioned having the grand-daughters help out. Nope, nada, never.
We love our large acreage and rural home in a desirable area. Some of our friends will struggle to retire. (we’re all 60ish) So we’ve been discussing a commune. Renting bedrooms or having friends park tiny homes, tying in to our wells, etc. We could pitch in to hire a cook, cleaner and maintenance help. Obviously that would require a seriously detailed agreement (and very judicious choices) as our needs change. But we see it an option as long as our health holds up and we can drive. We are already simplifying the upkeep and sorting stuff. Plus we have retirement savings.
Having said all of that, I have a fatal allergy so I’ve got an easy out if I need it. I’ll have one of those compartment rings made like secret agents wear in the movies.
I have discussed this plan with my stepchildren, who are willing to step up as sandwich-generation caregivers but just don't realize how hard that can be.
Remaining obstacles include summoning energy to purge 40 years' STUFF from house and prep it for sale.
Many parents now days are letting there young adults, not go to college, not work, and parents don't push them to do anything.
Then I watch the birds, when the younger birds get older they start pushing them out of the nest. I sometimes wonder if animals are the smarter species.
Anyways, I wonder if there are any animals where the child comes back and takes care of there parents.
Just something I've been thinking about.
I'm a Home Health Aide and a Certified Nursing Assistant. I think people are living way too long. I'm seeing more and more cases of people with cognitive decline. It's like the brain is burning out but the body is still in full gear. I'm seeing burned out relatives looking to lash out at the first person they see. Unfortunately, I have been the recipient of these meltdowns.
I pray that I die in my sleep in my own home in peace. I take my meds and do doctor's visits. I'll let you know once I learn how to navigate Medicare which to me is a real nightmare. Right now, I'm too busy trying to stay alive instead of thinking about dying.
I have a black book with all of my important paperwork, life insurance policies, birth certificates and a makeshift will. I have an old car that still runs okay. I have a place in the mountains I want to be scattered. It's a cemetery of green burials.
I hope I die before a severe decline. There are ways, messy as they may be to end one's life without spending years in slow death.
I've thought about offing myself after a grim dx, but I'm pretty sure I'd chicken out a hundred times. So I'll pay for a facility. My family knows I do not want any of them trying to deal with me at home.
High blood pressure leads to lower levels of oxygen in the blood and narrowed arteries, which can lead to other health issues, including brain damage and dementia.
High blood pressure can lead to blood clots, which could cause a stroke. This in turn can lead to immediate cognitive decline and dementia.
Believe me, living with these conditions (which you could do for many years) would entail a reduced quality of life, with no capacity to make any worthwhile changes on your part. You would have to endure your condition and your lack of opportunity to make a better life.
The next step is to figure out the best financial moves for now and during retirement . We have a few more years of working . Setting up appt for that . We are doing what we can to plan for our care . Our children are not our plan .
I have apologized in advance to my children numerous times if I ever get mean . I’m assuming I will get some form of dementia ……, grandma , mom , and now one sister has it . I hope , hope , hope, to be pleasant , cooperative , and agreeable like my grandmother was, when I need to be placed . I am hoping that since I respect my children as adults now , that that will help .
It seems the women who did not respect their adult children as adults to begin with , were the mean controlling ones with dementia as well , blaming their children for “ putting them away in a home “.
PS. Meanwhile my MIL has nothing in place . And has undiagnosed early dementia and lives in her home . 🙄🙄🙄
But she says she’s “ fine”.
I don't "push" relationships with Family, or Extended Family much at all, just stick to Who & When I wish to see or be with them. I do not care to do much traveling , at least to places I really dislike , and be with those I just "tolerate" , and particularly over wanting to Maintain any relationship with them so to have someone always in my life as I age. Should anyone wish to come stay with us, that's fine and I figure it was Meant to Be. It's well-appreciated.
We do not discuss What IF's much at all -not in the "expected way". I believe my husband now, that he Has given me his answer, which is along the lines of ending it all. I don't plan at all right now , for where I end up. I decided to be happy with having lived here for over 40 yrs, that I 'd be happy at least still being in my own City , a small one with a big sense of Community.
God has a plan for me, and up to the present , it's going well. , at least over my own aging and condition. I allow Family plenty of shoulder room, and only desire their care should they Want to do that. That , up to the present , also works well for us.
Waytomisery-perhaps your mil IS fine , according to Her definition. I. myself, wouldn't want to "Over-plan" , especially too far in advance. Too many have become highly disappointed moving to a new, unfamiliar place , and can end up depressed and sick. But too-how do You know she has No Plan in Place? I assumed as much about My in-laws as well , but overall, turns out-they kind of did -but sharing all that with an In-Law wasn't part of Their plan. I wish I'd realized that while they were still living, I'd have saved myself a lot of grief, anger, frustration, and meanness, and allowed myself to just get on with my Own life -enjoying the Present and just caring for Myself ., and keeping the Faith -that really things were going along well for everyone. Look around-are they or you, yourself, Really "Going Without"?
People always call me insensitive when I say this but I never understood why our system forces families and those living with things like dementia to prolong what will 100% be a miserable life for someone or everyone.
People are quick to say think about the person with dementia but that conversation always ignores the caregiver. So yeah no way am I going leave my husband to make that choice. If something were to happen to me where I have the potential to become a burden I am done and will remove that choice from him.
So yah, hard conversations to have and think about before it happens. A good new years resolution.
I'm currently 59, and for the past five years, my life hasn't been my own. Because my parents weren't very good planners, there is no retirement plan and no savings...just Medicare and a monthly social security check that isn't nearly enough to cover our monthly expenses. And because my mother's monthly check is just a hair over the maximum income guideline for Medicaid, we don't qualify for any additional help or benefits.
As a result, I'm not able to work because she now requires someone to be here 24/7. I've tried to embrace work-from-home opportunities, such as reselling which I really love, but it's nearly impossible to find the time to actually make a living from it, due to my ever-growing list of daily care responsibilities (shopping, cooking, tons of laundry, cleaning, yardwork, administrative stuff, mom care, etc.), not to mention the fact that I'm perpetually exhausted. Oh, and I've also cashed in my 401K to try and keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. So there's that.
I'm the beneficiary of a modest life insurance policy that will help me get back on my feet when the time comes, but it's not nearly enough to sustain me throughout my "golden years", and my daughter, (bless her heart) who lives in Maine, doesn't have a pot to piss in, so that's not an option. My mom has a reverse mortgage on our family home, but because we're no longer able to afford the exponentially increasing homeowners and flood insurance premiums (we live in South Florida - aka the godforsaken peninsula of DOOM), we will be so upsidedown by the time my mom passes that there will be little chance of seeing any profit from the sale of the home.
So, yeah...unless I win the lottery anytime soon, you'll most likely be able to find me (and probably a few cats) living in a van down by the river. LOL.
A Miller Trust, also known as a Qualified Income Trust (QIT), is a legal arrangement that allows Florida residents to qualify for Medicaid long-term care if their income exceeds the state's Medicaid income limit.
My husband being 12 years older than me, we have prepared for me being alone, for the most part, financially.
Honestly I'm just not planning on living past my date of being able to care for myself. 😂. That's my plan , but I probably should be thinking other plans.
Honestly I do think of somethings, like driving, which is why I live in town , hubby owns a family farm house in the country, as much as the country is beautiful, I don't want to be alienated in the country, even watching people walk by in the village makes me not feel alone, but that is just me.
So I do plan on taking advantage of things like ordering groceries, Uber.
I think the older people that are entitled acting, always, from there childrens birth, expected the children to take care of them, and if you never had that intention, you won't expect it and become more independent.
I have no issues selling my house, and moving into senior housing or an AL.
Id say I read a long time ago, mentally in your head get rid of all your possessions, and feel the pain, to be less attached to stuff and things.
I'm going to keep reading what others say here, for more thoughts.
I had a friend that was older, I got mixed in this friendship, she would call and ask us over, one or both and she would have a list of needs, she needed someone to carry pellets up from the basement , anything she could get outta people, and had much of her family running for her.
So I learned what and who I don't want to be, from her and from mom.
My dad was a 'breeze" according to mom. He was appreciative of everything she ever did for him, and he did everything he could to make her life easier - and she was able to keep him home until the end, with the help of hospice and my brother and myself.
My FIL - was the complete and total opposite - he was demanding, arrogant, expected all of the family to give up their entire lives to ensure that he could stay in his home - while doing absolutely nothing to support that want. He NEVER had a plan. MIL tried to move them into a step up facility before she passed away - but FIL categorically refused. He once told my DH that he expected him to leave me and our children and come live with him to provide care. We were CLEARLY not even invited to come with him. We told him that we would do our best to keep him home as long as possible- but if he got to a certain point - we would have no choice but to find different care plans.
He got to that point (300lbs and no ability to get himself out of bed to go to the bathroom). He did not believe we would put him in residential care. Even though he agreed to it (because he could not afford skilled care in home) - he blamed us for not keeping him home until the day he died. (Mind you three of the four caregivers were still working full time, and we also had other family members who needed help)
My grandmother vacillates between "oh honey - you need time out of this house for yourself" and then refusing outside care. So she SAYS the right things but won't DO the right things. She and my grandfather paid astronomical amounts of money every year for an LTC plan that covers in home care at a fairly decent day rate. She refuses to have them in her home. Right now we are making due by having me provide respite for mom. But that's not sustainable as she's only getting one day a week away. Mom is falling into depression and I won't stand by and let her get to that point. She needs help and we are preparing an intervention for my grandmother in the next little bit to tell her that caregivers are coming in and if she won't allow that to happen - the only other option is for us to move her to a facility.
EVERYONE should have a plan for their aging that does not include their children providing hands on care. Period.