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Interesting that you describe yourself as a doormat. I think that with my family I always was perceived that way too when I was younger. Behaving differently from what people expect of you is very difficult. After raising my sons, I had to leave the state for 9 years to find out who I actually am. It was hard on everyone when I returned to accept the new me, but most did. Those who needed me to be the doormat still are not in my life any longer. Also, taking care of my mom for so many years were further lessons in standing up for myself and being the adult, as she couldn't make her own decisions any longer. I think I'm much stronger for the experience. We have to do this caregiving on our own terms, or it won't work. Your sister is expecting you to care for your mom in her house with cameras on you. OMG, no. If you take this on hire at least 4 hrs of home care a day (mom's money). Simply state the conditions and don't back down. Good therapy for you to find out that you actually are not a doormat. The people in your life just think you are. If you were, you wouldn't mind fulfilling their expectations.
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Myownlife Mar 2022
How is she a doormat? Sister provides all care. She's only asking for a vacation.
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So, I will play the Devil's Advocate here. Your sister has asked you to take care of Mom for 2 weeks and you agreed. You go to "visit" 1-2 x week. Do you "visit" or provide any care? Sister takes care of Mom the other 50 weeks of the year, caring for her and being on call for emergencies and all doctors' appointments, medications, feeding, clothing, cleaning, etc. And you are angry because you agreed to be there for 2 weeks?

If your sister hires others to be there, will you be available if someone doesn't show up, or if there is an emergency, etc?

My mom is almost 97 and lives at home with me. I had planned a vacation for both of us for 3 weeks but now it's looking like either I will need to go alone or not go.

In my area, there are no places available for respite. As far as hiring caregivers to be here, which i'm considering, I tried an agency a couple of years ago. It was a disaster for my daughter who agreed to be "the POA" in my absence. Caregivers didn't show up, then when they did, because Mom had some really bad memory deficits at the time, and the agency nor the caregivers communicated with daughter, she had no idea of what was going on. But she did find out once that a caregiver left 5-10" early because her mom was picking her up.

That time i was only gone for a week.

Don't you think you could handle 2 weeks for your sister to get a break? My only sibling, my brother, died a few years ago. I wish someone i trust could take over for me for just a little while to go on vacation. I could really relax and not worry and get a much-needed break. And if you could do this for your sister, I'm sure she would be forever grateful.

P. S. The cameras? Did you ask her to turn them off while you're there? Or, cover them. Pretty sure your sister has them to keep track of Mom for safety, so she doesn't have to follow her every minute.
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I have almost a ZERO relationship with two of my sisters because they didn’t do their fair share of caring for OUR parents. So.. just remember that there are consequences to your actions. If your mom has money to be inherited, those that don’t help should get less or your sister should be paid now for all that she is doing; saving tons of money by keeping your mom out of a home. Wish I could sympathize, but I have been on the other side of this issue.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2022
Amen to that, Darsouthwest. Preach!
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PeggySue,

The one sister has the full responsibility of the mother the other 50 weeks of the year. For sure I don't blame tryingmybest8 taking issue with there being cameras everywhere including the bathroom. It would be unreasonable to ask her or anyone else to stay there under such a condition. That does not change the fact that her sister is the person who makes the OP's life possible because she takes full responsibility for the mother's care and housing 24/7. That saves a fortune because it's not getting paid out to a nursing home or AL.
@myownlife,
I don't know who you talked to at Medicare. I know that back in 2017 my completely invalid client's house got flood damaged. Her and her husband could not remain in the home while the renovations were being done. Medicare paid for her to be in a nursing home for one week and for the ambulance transfer to get her there and back.
I know this because I arranged it.
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PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
Burnt, I disagree that the sister's actions enable the OP to actually live her own life. Sister too could choose to step away permanently and get aides or place; it's Sister's full choice to choose to be in the position that she is.

If
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Exact same situation with me and my sisters. Mom was 97 and in assisted living and hating it. She asked to stay with me, which I allowed not only for Mom but for the sake of my sisters who hated seeing Mom so upset. She was very difficult and also had some dementia. I took care of Mom 100% of the time for two years while my sisters were able to carry on their lives without worrying about Mom.

When it came time for me to take a break, my sisters said they couldn't help with Mom even though they both lived 5 minutes away. I had to come to terms that I was the one that made the commitment to care for Mom, not them. So when I needed a break, I hired caregivers on Mom's dime. My sisters established a schedule where one of them would come each day for a visit so mom would have a familiar face and to check on things. Mom absolutely hated having a "stranger" take care of her and made my life miserable when I would get home. The truth of the matter, she would have complained no matter who came to take care of her.

My advice is to hire a caregiver for Mom and then check on her regularly. Caregiving is not for everyone and a demanding senior with dementia is extremely difficult. I will say, though, Mom was very aware that my sisters never offered to help her during her last few years. It hurt her terribly. That is something to keep in mind and something you must live with after she is gone.
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My God woman! Grow yourself a back bone and tell your sister to hire someone because you're NOT going to make yourself available. Mom needs more care than you are able or willing to give. If you couldn't make it a night at your sister's, how do you think you'll make it 2 weeks? And if it's so easy, why isn't your husband helping her? I suppose he'll expect you to care for his mom too? Why do you listen to his nonsense? Has HE been tested for dementia? It is NOT your duty to stay with her! Your mom needs to be in memory care. She's got dementia and probably with some sundowners going on. She gets upset when other people come into the scene and you shouldn't have to be a supervised (via cameras) caregiver. Refuse to babysit your mom. Let sister find other means and dont feel guilty! It might not make your sister happy, but, this is her problem, not yours. There are respite places she can take your mom to, or hire someone that would be happy to be camera supervised in a bathroom to care for her. Further more, stop smothering everyone else. Thats not fair to them and certainly not fair to you! Perhaps that's why hubby wants you to go? Is he being smothered to much?
Like I say, Tell your sister you've changed your mind and YOU WON'T BE STAYING WITH MOM. End of story. Let her pout, rant and rave all she wants. It was her choice to bring mom into her home. This is HER problem.. not yours!
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Davenport Mar 2022
Ouch; I'd like to see more compassion expressed in our strong opinions here. We're all trying to figure this stuff out as we go. Nothing's black and white.
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You agreed to stay. She does the day to day work. Give her a break away.
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Tonia722020 Mar 2022
Totally agree
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I hope it's not too late to recognize and let your family know your limits. This is deeper than a 2-week stay with your mom. Your sister has full responsibility for your mom. Sure, it sounds selfish that you can't do it for 2 weeks, but in reality, it isn't because you recognize that you couldn't handle it. Yet you agreed to do it & you're sorry you did.

Complaining that your family is making you feel guilty doesn't address
the issue that you really can't do it. You need to accept that. If you get the courage to tell your sister and your husband that you can't take care of mom - do it, do it quickly & stick to your decision. Without guilt. You deserve it, they deserve it, & in the long run, you'll all feel better because you brought it out in the open.

I took care of my mom off & on for nearly 25 years - nearly full time the last 5-7 years. My sister told me to not take what our mom did/said personally. After an argument between me & my mom, my sister decided to take mom in. It lasted less than a month. I didn't fault my sister for not taking care of our mom - I used to half-joke that I took her to doctor visits, my sister brought her cake - but at least she got a deeper understanding of what life as a caregiver was. That's not the case with you - you understand fully what it's like. And not everyone is cut out to be one. That's not a flaw!

Other people can't make you feel guilty unless you carry some of that guilt, yourself. Have an honest talk with yourself & your family. Let your sister enjoy her vacation, & let yourself help in a way that you're comfortable with. You don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations.
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This is a great topic to discuss with your therapist............the answer lies within you and you will have many opportunities to change if you do the work.
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First of all, your sister was a fool to bring her home (is she insane???). Second, she has it all planned - she will set the rules and do whatever she (sister wants) and you will be the brunt of what that entails. Second, there is NO way your mother will understand and/agree. Who has the POA for decisions - that is the person who makes the rules, not some dementia patient. And you must tell your sister that YOU are not going to be the caretaker and the sister either gets a caretaker or places you. You have eight kids and you have a right to live the remainder of your life in peace and you better darn do that. As to your husband, I don't know your culture or family dynamics but it is obvious HE is NOT going to be involved in her care - do not let him tell you what to do. Let your sister handle this. Get through the vacation time period as you said yes but don't be stupid enough to do this again. Set your boundaries - now.
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ForLove2 Mar 2022
Wow. The sister is a loving person who, from what I read, hasn't complained about her decision to take her mom in. Why are you angry with her and asking if she's insane? The truth of the matter is that Maddie doesn't want to be bothered with the care and she clearly views it as an inconvenience. Since Maddie smothered her eight children for 48 years, can't they help take care of their grandmother for the two weeks??? If Maddie expects her children to take care of her in her old age (which she isn't too far from), she'd better start showing her kids how it's done... by taking care of her own mom, or she should just let the kids know now what nursing home she herself wants to be dumped in and left at. Smothering your kids is no guarantee they'll give a you-know-what about you when you get older.

I'm not saying everyone has to take their parent into their home, and I know there are many situations were parents have been horrible to their children and therefore the children don't want to or can't help them. Many people just aren't able to provide care for their elderly parent(s) due to jobs, family, health, distance, relationship, financial, and/or the care needed by the parent that might necessitate an AL or a NH. I'm just commenting on Maddie's situation only, and the reply by Riley. Maddie did offer her help and now wants to back out. I would suggest she get her kids and husband to help out and each take every other day or something. And just maybe Maddie's mom said she can go home that one night because her mom wanted some alone time? Perhaps the comment wasn't directed at Maddie herself, but was her mom's attempt to be alone. Not that I would recommend giving her alone in the house time. If they don't get along, maybe they can separate themselves in the sister's house and be together only when necessary, like for eating, helping with toileting, etc.? It might help Maddie endure the two weeks, and it would give some alone time to her mom. Just a suggestion.
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You did offer to help your sister and she’s counting on that. Going forward, make other arrangements that are satisfactory to both you and your sister.

As for the cameras, that is an invasion of your mother’s privacy and dignity, especially in the bathrooms. If your sister is so concerned about your mother’s safety while she’s using the bathroom, then your sister should be accompanying her to the bathroom and not exposing her to cameras. If she is using cameras in the other rooms like baby monitors, and your mother is so frail that she needs help at all times, then the cameras make sense. If it is the safe thing to do, while you are there, you can always turn those cameras off or cover the lenses.
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PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
ForLove, Maddie isn't even the original poster or OP.

For second, her complaint is legit especially as it's gone so far as for her to tell the sister who's stepping in for vacation that there will be cams. It is an invasion of the OP's privacy as well.

To make things more equitable, I suggest a family contract. Sister should get paid now or if not possible, prorated in the will. The latter is what the ILs did with DIL. She honestly makes more than us combined just doing that, and it creates boundaries. She knows she cannot just call us and that if she does, we are going to help by researching and recommending help.
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if this is your best i hate to see your worst
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CaregiverL Mar 2022
She needs more helpful advice..not all of us can be caregivers …Hugs 🤗
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Sister is used to her & vice verse. What happens if mom falls under your watch & needs emergency surgery? She should put her in respite care facility & you go check up on her. Then when sister returns, she’ll decide whether to keep her there. What do you think? Hugs 🤗
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Tonia, you have now said “if this is your best I hate to see your worst”, “wow you sound like a selfish witch”, and “never did I ever think so many people (of course included) are so selfish and nasty”.

These comments help no-one and reflect badly on yourself. If you can’t do better than this, please leave the site.
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You shouldn't feel any guilt or allow anyone to say anything negative about not being able to help your mother. If your sister was the one who decided to care for her, rather than place her in a facility, she is responsible for her care. I was in a similar situation, although I did place my mother in a SNF as she need too much care for me to provide. Whilst my sibling supported this, they did think that I should visit every day, which was impossible. They didn't want to move to be closer or move my mother to be closer to them so they had to accept the situation, including the frequency of visits. I would recommend she hires help, but you do support as much as possible.
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Yes you are being selfish, thank you for asking and I seriously doubt the cameras are to spy on you. Could they be there as a safety precaution in case your mom falls and how nice of her to keep your mother at home where no doubt she wishes to be.
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MargaretMcKen Mar 2022
Robert, this is your first post, and you have provided no profile information at all about your own care experiences. ‘Yes you are being selfish’ is your own judgement based on very limited facts. If you stay on the site, I’m sure you would want more help and less ‘guilt’.
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tryingmybest8: As you've already committed to these two weeks, please do give your sister a break.
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Hi Dear, I am sorry about all this. I never meant to stress you out. You have been a rock to me until now, and I thought you were on board with this plan. Jim said we should cancel the vacation until he and I can find a different solution. I am OK with that.

You said you hoped that I would read your post. I did; and I read the responses of everyone else. It is helpful to know how you really feel about things. I helps to clarify things. I guess I also feel an explanation about the cameras is in order, since that raised so much ire.

Regarding the cameras: I am sending them back. I didn't purchase them to watch you. I don't know how I stupidly gave you that idea. My bad for not being more clear. I got them because I thought it would make it easier on you: I had hoped you would be able keep an eye on mother from your house (instead of having to granny-sit at my house). I am sorry I explained this poorly.

(FYI: I thought a camera in the bathroom was good idea only because, when mother suffered her fall, she did it trying to get from her rolling walker onto the potty. She is pretty unsteady. When the fall occurred, she couldn't get up and she laid there for a long time, not knowing how to dial the telephone she actually held in her hand to get help. If the same thing happened while I was out running errands, I didn't want her to lay on the floor until I returned home. Also, I had intended to set privacy panels for that camera.) I hope that some of the posters will read this and change their minds about what a horrible person I am for wanting to do this. As I said, I am sending the cameras back, since the issue is now moot, anyway.

Thanks to everyone for posting your thoughts and ideas. My only excuses for any of this are that 1) hindsight is 20/20; and 2) like everything else in life, the back story is a lot more complicated than can be condensed into a mere 4,000 characters.
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ChoppedLiver Mar 2022
Thank you for clarifying the use of the cameras. Another way to detect a fall would be to buy one of the electronic devices that detect falls. The Apple watch 2019 and newer, has the capability to detect falls, and call people listed as emergency contacts. I like the 2019 and later models as the person doesn't have to be near the cell phone, in order for the watch to dial for help. I'm sure there are less expensive options now.

I was told that for dementia patients, most of them can't remember to press the button when they fall. Hence, those devices that rely on a person to press a button are not worthwhile for dementia patients.

We actually did think about placing a few cameras in my Mom's house. This was because my Mom could not remember where she last put something, and we thought it would aid us in finding those lost items (like her magnifying glass or hearing aids or checkbook, or money). In addition, my Mom used to accuse the caregivers of stealing things from her when she had actually misplaced the item.

Hang in there. You do deserve some time off. I ended up putting my Mom in respite care and it helped prepare ME to put her into a memory care faciity.
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Buy some felt and cover the cameras with felt while you are at the house. Tape the felt on the cameras.

Hire agency personal to work while you are at the house.
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Oh dear, I just realized another good reason for cameras ..... how could I forget a few weeks ago our toilet being plugged up again ??? This evening, emphasis evening ( the after 4pm thing ), and I checked on Mom in the bathroom. She hasn't yet gotten to the wearing "diapers" stage and uses thick sanitary pads with lightly firm "girdles". I was checking to see whether she needed a clothing change as the newly increased diuretic is really working. She didn't but I also didn't see a replacement pad in her underwear ( she was sitting on the potty with underwear / shorts down ) and noted that the small garbage can did not look like she had taken the old one off and discarded; and I had heard the toilet flush. Of course it's after 4, so she's more confused ( and vision is poor ) and she claimed she just had had folded toilet paper and flushed that. I " know " that that wasn't so, but you can't argue as she is "certain". So, had we had cameras, I might be able to figure out for sure and not just "guess". I HOPE that it resolves itself by morning because Mom will not remember " not to flush " during the night.... and I'd rather not spend another couple of hundred to have the plumber come out... again......
and now it's after 10pm and instead of relaxing and enjoying my alone time, I am sitting here reiterating everything.... oh well, tomorrow's another day :)
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PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
My husband is a plumber/drain tech for a big company. They charge $500 to snake the drain if there's a cleanout, and $750 if they have to lift the toilet to do it. If sanitary supplies are found in the snake, there is no warranty on the job either.

I would suggest you lift the tank and unchain the flapper so the toilet won't flush. The only time it will work is when you chain it while doing your business, and, while unpleasant, fishing out any items beforehand that will result in hefty plumbing bills.
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First, I want to say I love my dear sister and I’m very sorry I posted this in a public forum. I want to say that I always intended to fill in, never did I say I wouldn’t.
Dreading it is my problem, not hers and I have trouble communicating. I should have told her early on how uncomfortable I’d be on cam. I should have brought Mom to my house while she was gone, problem solved!
With that said, it is my fervent wish that people hear be kind to each other. We really don’t know everything about the situation and sometimes people just want to share their frustrations. Please remember to be kind.

Kindness matters
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graygrammie Mar 2022
I hope you and your sister can communicate clearly; that your post here hopefully helped to open up an opportunity to communicate. Don't let this cause any separation between the two of you. You are too precious to each other.

(My mother and her sister had a falling out over their mother and never spoke again after the funeral in 2000. They both died in 2020. My sister and I have promised to never let something come between us.)
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Grandma1954, many states have a one party or single party agreement to audio/visual recording. Meaning I can record you because I agree.
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Tryingmybest, it sounds like this is a perfect opportunity for you and your sister to have a good heart to heart about things.

I pray that you guys can find a happy balance with communication going forward.
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