Should I feel guilty about moving my mother back to her home state with my brother? She’s repeatedly said she wanted to go back.

Why would you feel guilty? You’ve put 6 years into this and it hasn’t worked. If your description of her behavior is fair, it’s your mother who should feel guilty. If you want to act this out, imagine yourself picking half a lump of guilt out of your heart, the other half out of your head, putting the whole lump on a stone slab in front of you, and hitting it hard with a mallet. Squash!

I’d also suggest you get out quick before your brother has a chance to change his mind.

No where in your post or profile do you mention that your mom has dementia. How do I know? Because you stated she takes her clothes and stuffs them behind her bed and stacks them in other inappropriate places. This is a dementia behavior. And she follows you around all day -- this is called "shadowing", a dementia behavior. Has she ever been given a cognitive/memory exam by her doctor? I think one of the reasons you're so burned out and depressed is because you keep interacting with her as if she's her prior self. Dementia changes people but they look the same to us. It's really really hard to see them with different eyes. I'm so sorry that the past 6 years have been so brutally hard. Don't feel guilty about transitioning her to a care community. It may actually be good for her overall.

She can't report you for neglect -- there's no basis for this accusation so please ignore it. Moving someone to a facility is the opposite of neglect. She's just desperate and pulling out all the stops. My MIL didn't want to go into a facility but now after a while she's actually doing much better mentally, emotionally and even cognitively. It's rather astonishing. On the last visit she was in bed reading a book. Reading a book was something she *never* did in all the years I knew her. She said she loved the novel and couldn't but it down! She is enjoying the social interaction (mostly with staff) and she'd be getting none of this cloistered in her home with a single caregiver. Please work on not feeling guilting. Think of it more like feeling grief. You've done nothing wrong. You gave her a lot and it has been a totally thankless job. Now do what is good for everyone and move onward and upward with your life. Blessings to you!

Holy hannnah! After reading your post I am surprised you even need to ask! I would be doing the happy dance the whole way home! You have paid your dues, she wrote up the bill,, and now she gets the results. I can understand why your brother doesnt want to deal, Go back to your home state, get a new job and get on with your life! Visit when you want,,but build up your own SS and retirement funds. You are 56.. she needs to realize that you are not a "kid" anymore. She has had a slave for 6 years,, no more, enjoy your life while you can!

thank you for writing this, now I know I made the right decision.
You have no reason to feel guilty, after 6 years, I'd say you have given more than 100% and have given it more than a good try hoping it would work.
I have both my parents with me and its coming onto 9 mths. From the get go they have caused issues, calling my siblings and telling them they want to move out. Making up lies etc. etc. It has been 9 mths and now they are moving out. My mother sounds like yours, not so extreme, I fought back, but I can only imagine she would have probably become your mother after 6 years taking me for granted. I cannot imagine doing this for 6 years, just the thought riddles me with extreme anxiety.
I am in the same situation as you, I have sequestered/isolated myself from them so I can stay sane and still they have done a number on me.
I agree with all the posts, let her go, let it all go, get excited, feel nothing but joy start your life, free and happy, get rid of the toxic people in your life. NO GUILT!!

She sounds like a narcissistic personality.
Why are you 'doing, doing, and doing for her?
Your question "SHOULD" I feel guilty says a lot.
Guilt is not answered by 'yes' or 'no.' It is a feeling you feel - and triggers from 'way back when' result in you questioning yourself and I'd say, wounding emotionally by her.
You need to (LEARN to) put yourself and your hard working dad FIRST.
* Get a caregiver to take care of your mother and you work on yourself to feel you deserve a life, respect (self-respect) and to feel like a full whole human b-e-i-n-g.
* We aren't here to judge you.
* You need support to learn to feel better about yourself and
* LEARN to say "NO" to your mother.
* You must learn that you can and need to set boundaries on what you will and will not do. Likely you will continue (for a while) to feel as you do (i.e., guilty) and you need to be w/it, process thru it and not RUN by it. Step outside of yourself and observe the person who feels however you feel. Do not judge your feelings, observe and acknowledge them. THEN, decide what is in YOUR best interest in how to proceed.
* If she has 'destroyed' you as you say, you need to get professional help ASAP.
* You are doing all you are doing because you feel you have to - you do not feel you deserve any better than the life you have created for yourself. Once you learn how to value yourself, you will stop rolling out the red carpet for Princess Mommy.
S-T-O-P.
Get a caregiver and yes, send your mother to your brother's. WHY ON EARTH NOT DO THIS ? ? ?
Get a caregiver yesterday if not 24/7 care and stop doing for your mother. Learn to love yourself. And then take a five month vacation.
Gena / Touch Matters

In a nutshell, do not feel guilty; your unhappy, aging, infirm, likely narcissistic mother is laying a Guilt Trip on you...classic! Don't accept it. You do not have to martyr yourself to be a 'good daughter.' And bear in mind: Caregiver Burnout is a real thing: some caregivers die before those they care for; don't let that be your story.

Dang! I thought I had it bad! Taking care of both dementia and Alzheimer’s parents- you are doing ALOT, alto more than most caretakers. I don’t know if u are aware u also call elderly abuse line- mostly to have it in ur files that you have directly lying to medical people, has a been caught up in a two-face place and what to do to protect yourself- I didn’t feel safe until there nanny cams in all common areas, so when she gets really upset and tries to play the victim/ have a few “choice ones to show, then hand over all material they want. I’ve had few discussions on what they want- and I have that on video- we use to make all these appt and on that day- nothing I could say would make them goo- now she has her records red flagged- so if she wants to cancel, I get a call too. Good luck- make ur boundaries , written out and signed by all. Make sure ur covered

It appears your mother is still mentally competent to make her own decisions regarding her life. Part of making your own decisions is living with and learning from the consequences. For 6 years, you have helped her through a medical issue, but she did not bear the consequences of her decisions. You have returned her to her home state and to allowing her to be in charge of her life again. In essence you have 2 gifts - your mother has full control of her life and you have full freedom to live your life. Don't let anybody "guilt you" about this decision.

Leave her and go home. You have no need for guilt as you’ve done nothing wrong. She is the one who should feel guilt for treating you like her slave. She may be a mother by birth but is anything but in action. We do not owe our parents a life where they get to use us and abuse us…period. If you are to the point where you would rather leave this earth than be with her in your home then it’s time to have her move out. End of story. You my dear have done enough and in fact too much, and should see a therapist to get over your guilt feelings and depression and get medical help from your doctor. A short course of antidepressants perhaps are called for. Two things..you must have strong and healthy boundaries…we all have the right to that. We do not have to accept being treated with abuse. Please tell us you will let her live in senior housing and you will get help for your mental health.

You most certainly should not feel guilty no matter what she says.
You desperately need to look after your own health and get some help with what sounds like quite serious depression.
You have given your mother far too much control over your life for too long and now it is time to take your life back and let her live hers in a facility where her behaviour will not be tolerated, or in an independent unit where she can pay for any care she needs and if she behaves like she has to you they will refuse to help her. She is beyond selfish, her behaviour towards you is abusive and the sooner you can get out of being involved the better. Your relationship MAY improve when you are separate but it may well not - that is down to her. You need to look after yourself.

You did enough. Your Mom is still 75 years young, mentally competent, and ambulatory. How she chooses to live her life is entirely in her hands. Explain to her calmly that she wasn't happy living with you, expressed that in her blatant disregard for all your help, and desired to go back "home". Your Mom may have medical issues but she is not an invalid, and has gotten used to feeling entitled.
You can - if you want - tell her that her move there can be temporary - if she proves that she cares enough for you and your brother, by taking care of herself and being more involved in her own life and her own care. Whatever you do, don't fall into the guilt trap, in your case it's unwarranted.

You answered your own question.

"My mother has been living with me for 6 yrs". There's your answer. It's YOUR house. So that means it's YOUR rules.
You DO NOT have to tolerate any bullsh*t from your mother on any level.
So lay down the law. If she isn't willing to behave right then she won't be living in YOUR house anymore.
If you just don't want her there, you don't have to allow her to remain in YOUR home.
If she doesn't like the thought of moving out, too bad. Tell her that a senior living community will be far better for her than the curb.

you are burned out surely. She should be in assisted living where they can make sure she gets her meds, they can have someone take her to appts if necessary (I think). IF you don't have POA, then you really can't do much when it comes to that stuff. IF she has a problem and needs to go to ER, tell them she has NOBODY to take care of her at home and that you/brother REFUSE to take her. They will find somewhere to place her and get her a case worker. Please sign up for counseling to get yourself some much needed help in dealing with what all you have been thru. take a vacation even if in the mountains, near a beach where you can be with nature and read or whatever in peace. it is normal to have disagreements but not to be constantly fighting. if she has been like this for years, i doubt if a UTI, so she just hurts the ones closest to her. I am guessing that your father did NOT move in with you but rather you took only her, not sure why but get in touch with office of aging, or elder care attorney (if you have poa or not) and see what can be done for her. I wish you luck,,,,,but please do no harm to yourself, it is not worth it and will only give that power to your mother....get some counseling.

Sounds like you have done the best thing for yourself which needed to be done for your well being..

Your mom took advantage of you for 6 yrs of your generous time letting her live with you and gripping and not lifting a finger to do anything.

She needs to be where she is, back in her home state.

If brother doesn't want to take his turn having mom live with him then mom will have to live in a Senior Apartment or in a Nursing Home.

You reap what you sew and it's your mom's own fault that she is where she is.

If mom had of been a nicer person, she would still be living with you.

You sound like you are experiencing trauma and, this may be a pattern from childhood. You might have learned to cope by being quiet and doing your mother’s bidding to survive. Now, you are a grown woman and you don’t owe her your life nor do you have to make yourself small. Get yourself a good therapist so that you can rebuild your self esteem. You mom needs big time boundaries as she’s abusive and tries to have all the power. You do not need to feel guilty for living your adult life and being happy. She’s usually gotten her way through demeaning others and creating drama. You don’t have to play her games. Don’t be a martyr to her. Don’t give up your precious life to this toxic person. You can do right by her without killing your self in the process. Your life can get better. Try reading Dodging Energy Vampires by Dr. Christine Northrop and Boundary Boss by Teri Cole.

You've made an excellent decision. Please don't feel guilty or doubt yourself. It's time for you to get your own life back before it's too late for you. Bless you for all that you've done in the past 6 years.
Now you can happily go back to your "former" life and feel happiness again.

It’s so difficult to go through this whole experience with your mother. No matter what, you love her and you’ll feel like you need to be there for her.
But, by now, you are used up and don’t have much left to give her.
Your own health, both physical and psychological, are suffering. This is not your fault. You have done all you can, and even though a guilty feeling overtakes you, you can’t be of further help since you now need help yourself.
Accept the guilty feeling and try to understand that this is a normal reaction.
Handing your mother’s care over to your brother is a reasonable, necessary step if you want to prevent further damage to your own well-being.
Your mother isn’t going to get better no matter what you do, but you are. It isn’t an easy time. It’s a sad and confusing time. This can’t be fixed. Keeping your own health and sanity is important.
This has been going on since the beginning of the human race. But it’s brand new to each one of us as we face these feelings and experiences.
Guilt is a natural, kind and understandable response. Know that you’re a good daughter who is now grasping for help and meaning and hope. This is not your fault. This is just how it is.
You’re not leaving your mother behind. You’re finding a strong, fresh source of care for her. It’s the best thing to do. It’s not anyone’s fault.

Sorry if this question has been asked but too many posts to read them all.

Where is your Dad in all of this? He should be caring for your Mom unless they are divorced. He just needs to retire or cut his hours back. He took a vow "In sickness and in health".

If I had a mother like this and she wanted to move to be closer to her son and if he was willing to take in the responsibility, I would be helping her pack. No one should have to take this abuse. Since you find her clothes stuffed behind the bed, I would wash them and neatly put them in a basket but folding them and putting them away she could do for herself. My MIL took care of herself until she passed at 91. Not that she couldn't have had a little help but she chose to stay in Fla where the closest son was 8 hrs away. We were 2 days. Yes, your Mom has health problems but she is not an invalid. You have not enabled her you have disabled her.

Call her bluff. Say "OK Mom when do you want to go". Once the wheels are turning don't allow her to change her mind. Let her report you to APS. Tell her they won't put you in jail, they will just take over her care and she will end up in a nursing home with the State in charge.

1. Your Mom needs you more than you need her
2. Guilt is self-imposed and...
3. NO is a one word sentence.

I tried to be the good daughter growing up. I never disrepected my parents. I am pretty sure though if my parents treated me the way you (and there are others on the forum)let your Mom treat you, I would never have put up with it. You are an adult and should be treated as such.

You are a good daughter. Let yourself off the hook as far as guilt and regret are concerned regarding your monster…..er, mother. Six years of assistance is quite enough. She needs to live somewhere else. Try to stay out of in person and verbal contact for a bit until YOU feel better. You decide how long a “bit” is time wise. God bless you for being a good child to her.

Please get connected with a social worker and speak about your feelings of doing harm to yourself. You need to get counseling and help immediately. Counseling can also help with your guilt feelings. You're allowing your mother to get into your head. We can't always be the superwomen we'd like to be! Sometimes the relationship with parents is so bad that you have to put distance between yourselves until you are able to maintain boundaries. It's not normal for adult parents to fight with adult children. All the best to you!

I am sitting here and reading your story and I am sickened, horrified and very upset for you, my dear soul. I don't care what the past/present relationship is, or what the relationship is (parent, spouse, whatever - and even if it is God or the devil), NO HUMAN BEING SHOULD EVER TOLERATE CONDITIONS LIKE THIS AND BEHAVIORS THAT HAVE SUCH A NEGATIVE IMPACT ON THOSE TRYING TO HELP THEM - never, ever - no matter what or why? She is a selfish, controlling narcissist and her behaviors will destroy you and all you love if you allow this to continue. You made the first BIG MISTAKE - YOU ALLOWED HER TO LIVE IN YOUR HOME. Not a good decision. However, once you realized what was happening, why on earth did you wait and put up with it for six years to YOUR detriment? Why????? People like this may also have some degree of dementia which will also get worse. You can't fix it. You should NEVER feel guilty or feel you are responsible or useless. You are not - you are special - you tried and failed like so many others in similar situations. Immediately make plans to permanently remove her from your presence and home. If your brother will take her, then she is his responsibility. And if she reports you, so what. You have done nothing wrong - she is the problem and they will see that. Stand firm and say no, enough is enough. You will be fine. If he can't put up with her (only time will tell), then she needs to be placed in a home and there is financial help available but you have to look for it. To everyone reading this, NEVER EVER LET THE BEHAVIORS NO MATTER WHY DO Y O U HARM. YOU HAVE TO COME FIRST. Oh, I am so angry when I hear about these people. I will pray you have the strength to proceed at once to remove her - keep in touch with distance between so you can "escape" if she starts in on you. Please live your life - you only have one chance - and that is NOW.

Be sure he has a "caregiver mentality". Doing chores is not for everyone. Brother can have a agreement with mother that when it gets to much ....I need to place you in a facility or pay for help to come in if I can find it. If she wants it...she knows her son's abilities...she thinks. It is so important to enable her wish...will give her peace.

First, you NEVER have to feel guilty about anything. You actually did MORE than you needed to for LONGER than was necessary. I'm sorry that your mom did not get psych help. She is scared of dying and scared to be alone and scared of change in her life. Yet, I am 74 and want you to know that it is IMPORTANT to stress to her that without being AS independent as she can with what she has for as long as possible, she will die sooner than later. Her muscles and brain will atrophy. Tell her that. Also, get the help of your medical plan's social worker AND the state social worker of the state she is currently living. YES, your brother needs to MAN UP and step up as much as he can without having to also quit his job. So, your mom, if you think about it, is having TANTRUMS. Like a child. You will need to be the adult, make the decisions and stick to them while getting her OTHER help, like from social workers, etc. YES, she should be moved, but a social worker will help you know how to do that. I, too , can't put my clothes away. I keep them in laundry bins and just pull out what I need. Where I am living, I have a washer and dryer in my apartment, so I do wash and dry my own clothes. But I have a cousin who comes once a month to put them away or hang them.My son comes once a week to take out my trash and garbage. I have my food, etc. DELIVERED to me with Instacart. I am VERY much as independent as possible, and I have CHF, COPD, Diabetes, Osteoporosis and Osteoarthritis, SEVERE pains from hip and knee joints. I use a walker which has brakes and a seat, and have a motorized scooter. I don't drive. I have special transportation, which is a bus which has a ramp for people who need it, and it comes right to your door. I have to schedule it 3 days in advance. The cost is cheaper than if I had kept my car. It is VERY, VERY HARD to get even from one room to another. I do it one step at a time, and with neuropathy, I sometimes don't feel like I HAVE feet, and my legs buckle. I learned to grab onto my walker and stomp my feet on the ground until I have feeling in them. It takes a LONG time to get from one room to another. I have incontinence and wear those underwear with home made pads I made from rags. There are so many medicines to take, and you have to FIGURE OUT which ones you take depending on how the blood pressure cuff tells you what the numbers are, or my diabetes monitor tells me what my blood sugar levels are, or the weight whether it goes up or down. Some of my meds are dependent on those numbers, and I have to NURSE myself. If your mom is AT ALL intelligent, she can do it.. Set her up with a way to keep written track of daily numbers and which meds to take and teach her to write down when she takes them. Yes, there are days I just want to sleep most of the day, and also I have insomnia at night. Yes, there are days I don't want to take my medicines. So, it IS HARD BUT I DO IT. Little by little, slowly. Also, I am a FALL RISK, so yes, I am also afraid. Your mom has FEARS you can not imagine. Until you address her fears, I am afraid her tantrums and need for individual attention will continue. Please get help from as many places as you can: social workers, psych help, and also GO BACK TO YOUR JOB. You do NOT need to stop your WHOLE LIFE to care for your mom when there are THINGS IN PLACE for the elderly. SHE has the problem, so why should YOU feel it is ALL ON YOU? You just have to harden your heart, some call it "steel" your heart and be FIRM with your decisions. Just like if she were your child. See if you can get, through her health plan, physical therapy and occupational therapy, and a home health nurse to go to wherever she ends up living and help her out. You are doing the job of about TEN PEOPLE or more. Stop it. Get her situated in a PROPER living environment and set up with PROFESSIONALS who do things she needs done. Social workers will also help you get set up with Medicare and / or Medicaid for the expenses.

Wash hands. Be done! You did your time and it didn’t really work for either of you as you were constantly fighting. Find her housing and go back to your life. You can be in two places at once and you don’t need to be. Good luck

No, do not feel guilty. I'm sorry for your distress, please look into counseling to get yourself centered.

When you visit with your mother, set boundaries for your mother. I know this is really hard. I have a husband who has no understanding of boundaries. When your mother breaks the boundaries, politely tell her she is not to treat you the way she does and if she continues to do so, tell her you will visit again when she is feeling better.

Of course, the UTI could be making matters worse. Unless she has always treated you this way throughout your life.

Marymo67: Imho, although I am seeing your post three days later, I am VERY concerned about your self harm comments. It is IMPERATIVE that you reach out to the proper authorities, albeit your town's social worker. Do not end your life.

I am very concerned about your feelings of self harm. Please get some help. If one counselor doesn't mesh with you get another one, I had 3 different ones, each helped me through a different phase of my life. You are a valuable person.

I understand where you are. I remember standing in my kitchen crying and telling myself I can't do it anymore. I couldn't stand for mom to touch me and I couldn't touch her. After a lot of therapy, I was finally able to touch her, but until her dying day, I could not let her touch me. I just couldn't do it.

Think about something, you served her breakfast in bed, yet she could walk good enough to follow you around the house.

She may have dementia, don't worry about it, SAVE YOURSELF. I firmly believe the stress I lived under triggered my cancer. It doesn't matter why she is the way she is. Don't make excuses. Get away from her any way you can. Your life depends on it.

((HUGS)) MaryKathleen. PM me if you need to.

Read my posts here. I know what you are going through. It is rough, especially when dementia sets in. I don't want to be blunt, but whether you like it or not this is not forever so try to help your mom as much as you can, but if you cannot handle it by yourself try to get help for her at the house. I found it just as difficult when I took care of my mom and grandmom, although my grandmom at her age of 103 was more calm and sweet. My mom was more anxious. Get someone to help you, but enjoy the time that you have with your mom. I still feel destroyed by the loss of my mom and grandmom, but I was there for them 24/7. It is not for everyone to fight it alone. It can affect you. Try to get help at home please. Also, Dont put her in a nursing home. I know for a fact they don't like that. I know for a fact no matter what people tell you or what the institutions tell you which are a fraud. They don't really give peanuts about elderly people. Keep your mom at home, but get help at home. I feel proud I was able to do it for my two parents, but it affected me of course, but I survived and those times I will never forget. I am praying for them every single day because I don't have a family anymore. I miss them. I love them. It is hard. Try to take pictures of mom and video. Talk to her sweet. Hug her. Talk to her. Talk to her please. She will like it. Talk to her in a calm voice. I know in my case a couple of times I lost my cool and I yelled at my mom. It is coming back to haunt me. Dont forget the videos and pictures. Take a lot of them. Get a camera. I have a professional camera. A digital Nikon D7000. The picture quality is super. My intent and dream when I bought the camera was that I would be able to go on a trip with my parents and take pictures of them. It did not happen. Dont delay. You will go back to them after and they will kind of serve as a therapy. It is hard. It is very very hard when they go and I know I hated these words. but that is what I do. God bless you all.

Get her admitted to the hospital for one of these many serious medical problems. Then refuse to allow her to be sent home with you. Talk to a social worker first. Tell them it would be an unsafe discharge.

Love me or hate me, I'm going to get straight to the brutally harsh point. Taking care of your mother isn't your responsibility. Time for a memory care facility visit.

You can't give her the care she needs because she has dementia. This is such a common issue. My aunt was the nicest person you'd ever meet her entire life. She was kind to strangers, she never insulted anyone, she never talked behind anyone's back, but not she will say terrible stuff to your face without holding anything back. "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You're so overweight."

She will accuse you of stealing when she loses something, etc. Dementia changes a person's personality in highly negative ways, so much so, that they aren't even the same person. Having to deal with a completely different irritated and stupidly childish adult is not something you should have to deal with. Your parents weren't dealing with a jaded, irritated, and abusive adult when they raised you. They never had to care for their parents because their parents died early in their 50s 60s without advanced medical care causing them to survive into their 90s with harsh medical consequences. Have you ever seen your mom take 16 different pills each day? They keep her alive past her usual lifespan, but her brain can't keep up and dementia with memory loss sets in.

This is a problem with the United States in general. We have the worst health care on the planet for a developed country, which is absolutely pathetic. In China, the government pays you to care for your elderly parents, because it's such a health problem over there. They, therefore, can expect you to care for your parents with the extra financial help they give you to make up for your loss of income from babysitting your parents/parent. Does America do that? No. American memory care facilities will eat up any inheritance you'd expect to get, which is terrible, but it's your only option. You either allow her to pay for memory care, or you supply the care with absolutely no help from the US government. Disgusting. Just do what you have to do.