Should little children be visiting a hospitalized patient? And how do we explain his condition to them?
Hello !
Maybe as you know it my daddy is at the hospital because he has pneumonia.
Since he has been there (3-4 days) his condition has evolved in a good way. He regained some weight and even if Dad stays on a drip and with a breathing mask he should be able to take them off in two short weeks, which is still pretty positive.
Now it is true that he is still very weak, his face is very tired, he has a really pale complexion. And he gets tired very quickly, he told me several times of his desire to see the children, who I recall are 2 and 4 years old. Also the older one has asked to see him too and the small one often ask where his grandfather is and say he misses him.
It seems obvious to me that all three have a great desire to see each other. The hospital allows visits from the children as long as they are calm (which they are), but what I fear is their reaction to the sight of my daddy's physical condition and especially with all the machines. Even when explaining to them, I don't really know what I could say to them to prepare for this terrible shock which would hurt all three of them, especially my dad. I need your opinion.
Do you already think that it is wise to bring the children to him, who so want to see him and who would bring him so much joy and innocence ? And then how to explain to the children his condition who might be a little shocked ?
So this Sunday I took the children to see their grandfather.
Beforehand I had taken pictures of him in his bed with all the equipment and made a drawing to explain the functions of the machines to them. I had them run around the house so that they could feel the sensation of shortness of breath and understand better.
Friday they called him by FaceTime for 10 short minutes. They reacted well and were very very smiling, they asked all their questions. My dad was very moved to see them.
Sunday we arrived a little early so that I could show them around the hospital, the different parts and the garden.
When they got to the room my dad was asleep and I preferred to wait for him to wake up. 30 minutes later he woke up and the children sat on his bed, they hugged each other, my dad read them a story, they gave him pictures they had made and after talking a little of their week at school, of the future vacation, they left to let him rest. They stayed 45 minutes in total, with the 30 minutes my daddy slept.
On the way home they asked me more questions and we talked about what might happen after discharge from the hospital and the happy memories the three of them have.
So everything was fine and this is because of you. I wouldn’t had all those wonderful ideas without you so I really wanted to thank you !
XXX
Mary 🪴
Perhaps next time you go for a visit, take a picture of your dad in his bed with whatever he has on him, and then you can show it to your children ahead of time to gage their reaction. That should give you an idea on whether to proceed with the kids visit or not, and will prepare them for what grandpa looks like now.
I think it will do them all good(especially your dad in his healing process)to be able to see each other. And you may have to show them the picture(s) more than once so they are not shocked. Best wishes.
My mom was at home to die and had oxygen on. She was still responsive. I went to help my dad care for her for those final days. My son who was 6 at the time came for a couple of days. He went to her bedside and said goodnight but wouldn't hug her. I could see the hurt in her eyes. As I put him to bed I told him I noticed he hadn't and I'd never make him hug anyone if he didn't want to, but wondered why he hadn't. "I didn't like that green thing in Grandma's nose". It was the oxygen tubing. Shame on me, (nurse) not having explained it to him ahead of time. After I did, he spontaneously jumped out of bed, ran down to her room, up on her bed to give her a big hug goodnight.
My son was part of the whole process. I took him to the cemetery where she was to be buried next to my older brother and told him what the service and burial would be like and that yes, even 8 year olds die. He grew up to become a funeral director. The head of the program said that kids who did not grow up in the family business but chose to become a funeral director, did so due to a good experience around death and dying.
Kids learn to handle life by watching how we experience the good and challenging. When we shield them from everything, they don't have the skills to deal with emotional challenges themselves later in life. With your support and understanding, use that to decide.
Trust your instincts. With good explanations, many kiddos can handle situations many adults cannot.
Gear the "explanations" to their age level - keep it simple. They don't need to understand HOW the mask or tubing works, just that it is to help grandpa, so that he can get better and come home!
I do think a video with him "talking" to the kids, greeting them, telling them how much he misses them and wishes to see them could help. A video chat might be even better, where they can actually see and hear each other, and they can be encouraged to ask questions. Observing their reactions will be the deciding factor.
You could explain before hand about all the machines.
If you make light of it the children will be just fine.
They'll be curious and just tell them they can ask any question they want.
You might even take a picture of him in the Hospital bed with all the machines and let the kids see the pic beforehand.
The kids will follow your lead, if you act all anxious. sad, ect then they will too, they'll take their que from you.
Thanks for your answer.
When I was 17, I went to see my mother in the hospital who was recovering from a hysterectomy (unnecessary) and lying in the bed with no tubes, no machines, no nothing. Just looking pale & playing up the drama big time. I am 64 now and still remember feeling traumatized by seeing her like that. If that helps you determine the 'right thing to do' in this case, great.
It may be a better idea to have a Zoom call or Facetime with grandpa and the older children for a few minutes to see how they react to him over a screen. Immediately shut it down if they get upset and tell them something went wrong with the connection.
I just don't believe in traumatizing our youth unnecessarily. Call me silly. There's a whole lifetime ahead of them to deal with reality, but for the very young, it's better to deal with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny while they still can. There's plenty of time for the reality of death and suffering to deal with in their future.
It's had as an adult to see someone you love and really care about hooked up to machines and barely hanging onto life. Years ago, here at least, you had to be 14 years of age to visit someone in the hospital, they told me 13 was too young and I couldn't go in. Experts now agree, everyone was wrong back then, I hear the news my grandma was taken by ambulance then my parents show me where she's buried in the cemetery with a big gap between here and there and no closure.
I don't feel children should be forced to do what they are not ready for, but if you explain their grandfather's condition, that he's really sick and needs rest, It can be very good for your father to see his grandkids and it will help them understand whats going on if they are allowed to see him.
Visits by children should be case by case. It depends on how well the know the person, their level of maturity and understanding, but you can always end the visit if you see it's not going well. We only have so many days to be on this earth and we never know when our time might unexpectedly come, so it would be good for the kids to see him while he's still around.
But yes it should be case by case… and we don’t know exactly what could happen… but the doctors are positive so I try to think that way too.