As a preface, I have been asked by my father to consider becoming a caregiver of my grandmother, which would also mean helping out with my 58 year old uncle who has had 2 strokes and lives with her. They live in Hawaii and I live in Texas.
After a few visits to the hospital for various problems, my grandmother's mental and physical health seems to be declining. According to my father, she repeats herself often and forgets about simple things like how her door locks work. I know that she has serious paranoia about gaining weight and has issues sleeping. In addition to this, she has a history of being abusive to caregivers that my dad has tried to hire or people who knew her and offered to help on their own. She refuses any kind of professional help, including the idea of going to an assisted living facility or in-home care.
None of this information includes my uncle, who cannot move half of his body has a speech impediment, OCD, hoards, and is verbally abusive.
I feel selfish for not wanting to do this, but I also feel like this responsibility shouldn't be placed on me. I don't know what to do or even what kind of solutions to offer my dad.
A lot of people have already cautioned you against this move. I agree. This is a tremendous undertaking. It goes way beyond just helping them out. This is job for more than one caregiver. I would be concerned that if you did decide to take on this challenge that your father would completely disengage and leave you to do this alone. Too often family members leave the caregiving of relatives to one person and then go on with their lives.
As to what to do, you can tell your dad that you are willing to help research facilities, interview caregivers, make phone calls, help pack, etc. Ultimately, he has to make the decision. If Grandma is unable to make decisions he's going to have to decide what to do with her and uncle. A hoarded home is not a safe and sanitary place to do caregiving.
I love my mother, always have, always will. And although a very hard path, I don’t regret my choice. I know I’m doing what my heart tells me is right given the lack of options.
But in an ideal situation no one, specially those who we love, should have to face these dilemmas. It is not fair to anybody...specially not a 22 years old like you dear Yurchenko!
Mom left me here as a mental case, myself. I’ve all but lost my business. What you are considering doing is above your ability. I mean that in the best way possible. It’ll take every thing you have and leave you needing help in the end. In a word, AVOID!
My mother, despite being such a difficult person, tells me every day since I moved here with her: “you are burying yourself in this house caring for me; sacrificing precious years of your life. As a mother I feel so sad and desperate! This is not fair for you”.
That comes from a narcissistic mother, yet still able to recognize the blaring truth that this labor of caregiving, although a labor of love, implies complete self sacrificing.
Why would your dad not see that? the answer although important is not that relevant. What is really relevant is that when others don’t show consideration towards us, don’t respect us and don’t protect us (a parent specially) , we have to be equipped with the clarity and mental and emotional strength to do it ourselves.
Your dad I’m sure doesn’t mean to hurt you or sacrifice your life, but by asking what he is asking, he is; maybe he doesn’t know any better; I cannot imagine the set of circumstances that led him to ask you to do such thing, and I’m sure he’s incredibly worried for his mom and his brother, but either due to desperation, cultural beliefs, or an old fashioned mindset, what is clear is that he is absolutely NOT analyzing the situation clearly nor thinking of priorities. His priority should be you, no buts, no hesitation.
Since he failed to see things clearly, you have to do it for him, and for you.
Now, don’t leave him alone in this situation. Do what you can and are good at, for instance research. Find options online, give him ideas. And if you feel you should, even offer to contribute financially with a little bit to help pay for help (if/when you work).
That’s what I would do. And let me tell you, I’m an only child and a lot of my life has been driven by guilt, but if I found myself in your predicament there would be no guilt strong enough to make me literally quit my life, because honestly, truly and from my heart, that’s what you’d be doing. Quitting your life in more ways than you can imagine now, at 22.
Wishing you peace and STRENGTH, over anything else!!
I too had nobody willing to "step up" to care for an aging step parent (parents divorced 31 years ago) so I took on the role completely unprepared for how much
of my own identity would be consumed. Visiting for a week or a month is nothing like 24/7 care 7 days a week. You will never get to enjoy living in Hawaii except by car as you drive to endless medical appts., banking, grocery shopping.
Please direct your father to www.elderlyaffairs.com he can find many resources there as a starting point for services available on O'ahu.
If your grandmother doesn't want "outside" help you will be her FULL time attendant. Do not subject yourself to her's or your uncles verbal or violent behavior, unfortunately it will likely intensify. Best wishes to you.
Now she is 92 and has multiple health and mental issues. Just in this past year, she will have been in the hospital 4 times and skilled nursing facility for rehab. This week she is about to got to one again. She will be there about 3 weeks and resents it when I do not come every day.
Mom is frail, sometimes won't eat, won't drink fluids, sometimes can't even walk to bed. I am nearly 75 years old, with a new "heart Valve" in 2015. It wears me out to take care of my mom, even though I love her dearly. But some days, it is more than I can stand.
Because I am an only child, I felt I had no choice but to come home and watch over them, take care of them. This care included multiple trips to doctors, hospitals, doing things for them at there home, taking care of one of them while the other was in the hospital, etc, etc, etc.
You can imagine, a lot of things happened in the last 18 years.
Maybe I sound bitter and I guess I am a little. My mom promised to move back to Dallas, when dad died. Then she wouldn't do it. Now, I not only have her to take care of, but all of her finances and personal needs. I am married, but my husband (2nd) has a job and doesn't want to move back.
We have no other family here. I very much miss mine.
It has cost me too much of my life, being the "Good Daughter". My sons and grand-sons basically lost a mom and grand-mother. When I look back now, I realize that my parents, while loving parents, were/are selfish people, who always kept me under their thumb. Almost every decision I have made in my life, revolved around their needs, wants, approval.
I am trying to come to terms with myself, over placing my Mother in a nursing home, even though it is difficult for me to care for her any longer. Her doctors think I should and so does mine. It is something I swore, I would not do. She will probably live only a few more months with all her problems, but it hurts me to have to do it. At the same time it "hurts" me to not do it.
My advice to you, is don't ever do to yourself, what I have done to myself. Love your family, but don't let them run you. Live your life to the fullest!
Taking care of your uncle and grand-mother is NOT your responsibility. Suggest your dad get skilled help in Hawaii. Tell your Grandmother she does not have a choice, if she keeps acting out, she WILL have to go into a home.
DON'T GIVE UP YOUR LIFE AND DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT!
Love your parents, grandparents, uncles, etc., but take care of yourself. I can't imagine not doing it, but I wish I had had some other options - 4 siblings, but I was the only one that helped.
Contact your local Area Agency on Aging, Senior Protection Agency, a social worker. Get information before you make such a huge decision. I'm saying prayers for all of you.
I would live in lean-to in the dryest most barren corner of Texas before I'd move to Hawaii and take on THAT job! You will NEVER get to enjoy Hawaii, believe me.
We are all guessing you are maybe 30-ish. You have many years ahead to live your life. You will absolutely have NO life if you take on that job. You will be damned lucky to get to read a book or even leave the house for an hour to get groceries.
DONT DO IT!
I agree! What a load of cow crap that just because you are young and single that you should be expected to take on caring for an elder AND disabled person!!!! DO NOT DO IT!!!!!! It sucks. You will grow bitter and resentful. You will want to die some days just to get away from the situation. You will have NO LIFE. And if you think anyone will give a care about your health. It's a trap! Stay in Texas!!
This situation screams out for a geriatric care manager. They'll do a needs assessment of each person and set up a care plan. Care managers are usually former nurses or social workers who specialize in addressing the changing care needs of people for the families who are no longer equipped to respond. They may work independently or with a broader-based care agency. Importantly, they have experience and connections to of all the resources to respond to each situation. Care situations can change overnight with an illness, fall, or hospitalization rendering everything already in place invalid. These experienced individuals can respond quickly to meet the new needs.
These individuals might be tracked down through the internet for local resources, a senior center, the local council on aging, perhaps the AARP site, through universities who offer degree programs in these areas, through hospitals who employ them to assemble a discharge plan, through Home Health providers, local clergy may keep a list, and perhaps through support organizations like Alzheimer and stroke care, for starters.
Dad will pay for the assessments for each of his relatives and retain these qualified experts to respond as future needs arise.
There are other problems here beyond just Gram's and Uncle's needs. There is a flashing caution sign that says "Boundries Work Ahead." Many of us on this forum are caring for people who are abusive, narcissistic, mentally ill, cognitively challenged, and physically impaired. Some of us are caring for people who didn't care well for us. Your dad's instinct to treat your life, time, and energy as a disposable extension of his own as a matter of convenience to himself set off a lot of alarm bells for some of us. I'm sorry to tell you that people who are abusive, manipulative, or exploitive don't have your best interests at heart, even when they're called mom or dad. The advice to you to initiate and engage your own life at your early stage of adulthood is spot on.
Finally, I want to recognize you for having the wisdom to seek advice from the knowledgeable and experienced people on this forum. You are well-meaning and tenderhearted concerning your family but most of us have learned that it takes so much more than that in this situation.
Best to you.
I have no idea if there might be other circumstances that made your dad think you might want to move to Hawaii and do this or where he lives (maybe selfishly he thought it might bring you closer to him?) but he is bound to understand that uprooting your life and moving across the country to care for your difficult grandmother and uncle just isn't feasible for you. I wouldn't say "are you crazy" or anything, maybe even let him know how touched you are he thought of you and thought you would be a good choice to handle the situation, agreeable to you Gmother but it just isn't something you feel you can take on. If you are able and they are able to pay for it you could offer to go for a limited time to help out but only if that's something you are driven to do and can do not with the thought it might become permanent unless that's your idea and it doesn't sound like it is. No guilt either way IMHO
Also. You have no authority to change it and all of the responsibility to deal with it.
In some states if you walk out on a vulnerable senior, knowing they can't care for themselves you could be prosecuted.
Don't go for any amount of time, there are viable solutions to this problem but you are not it.
Even if they weren't abusive, you'd be wise to concentrate on developing a fulfilling life, your work and resources. You only live once so I hope you don't waste yourself on mean people, who do not change. The time goes quickly.
My parents said don't let us do this to you when the time comes. However, now that they are in their mid-80s this advice has been forgotten as they struggle valiantly to remain at home and not go to a nursing home/assisted living. Thankfully I have two siblings so we divide up helping out (my brother has POA for finances and pays bills, etc. and I have medical POA and monitor doctors and medication management. My sister coordinates the home health nurse.) The home health care nurse comes to their home 4 hours a day to manage what the three of us cannot with our jobs.
Every family has to patch together assistance as they are best able emotionally, physically and financially. But DO NOT sacrifice your life!
DONT DO IT.
Guess what...your dad is trying to manipulate you and I’m curious why he chose you and not himself
but guess what again..NO is a complete sentence. And it is within your rights to have boundaries about what you can and cannot do and guilt has no part in it. Don’t let his lack of boundaries cause you to rethink your own. Just say No, I need to work and I can’t take this on. Add "sorry" if you feel like it.
Remember, you are the only one who ultimately makes your decisions what you do with your life. One of the biggest lessons in life is learning to not feel guilty for doing the right thing for yourself first.
I would never ask my children to care for their grandmother, uncle, or even ME!
Who is designated as POA for your grandmother and uncle? If no one, your father needs to step in and make these decisions for a very complex situation.
I wish you the best - don't go down this road. You know it's not for you. Live your life!
I hope I can overcome the screaming in my head long enough to answer you.
No,
You have absolutely no idea how hard this is. None of us did.
No.
Whatever the situation is now, it will get worse, by an unimaginable amount.
No.
I'm 9 years into caring for my dad with dementia and I know what I'm talking about. Everyone here does. Please believe all of us who are trying to save you from this situation and don't agree to this. Not even for a trial period because I fear no one will come to relieve you.
Please do NOT do this! You could end up spending way too much of your life as a caregiver. Your uncle is 58 and could live another 20 or 30 years. Who would be expected to care for him after grandma passes or becomes too ill to care for him? Right. You!!
It sounds as if your grandmother has some dementia going on. Your dad should get her diagnosed, get POA for her and his brother, and have them both placed in a facility where they could be properly cared for.
This is the time for you to enjoy your life, and shame on dad for asking you to give up your youth to care for two people who need more help than one person could even provide!!
You are NOT selfish. In fact, that you are even considering it shows what an amazing young lady you are!!
By your writing, you appear to be a bright, kind, intelligent young person.
”Selfish” at the age of 22 is part of the process of growing into maturity, like blowing too much of your salary on a great, frivolous jacket and deciding not to let a friend borrow it.
”Selfish” is NOT taking on the management of a situation that is already desperate and can quickly descend to worse.
“Caregivers” for a woman in your grandmother’s condition require firm, structured handling by trained professionals who are fairly compensated for their difficult work, offered managed respite, and have the wherewithal to ignoreand/or channel
her I appropriate social interaction.
Then add the comparable but different management of her son.
I cannot begin to imagine what has possessed your father to even suggest that you might consider taking this on, much less actually assume responsibility for it, but as a parent who has raised two wonderful children, I cannot state strongly enough that you have NO REASON to consider your desire to refuse this burden a “selfish” act, and EVERY REASON to continue YOUR progress to maturity where you are.
If your father is in the position of serving as some sort of manager or overseer of the situation in Hawaii, it is HIS responsibility to find qualified, trained, appropriate help for the household you describe.
You are not selfish or bad. Instead, by assessing the negatives in this situation and correctly observing that it exceeds your capacity to successfully undertake it, you are assuming responsibility for your own welfare, independence, and self growth.
Do not take this on. DO NOT TAKE THIS ON.