Let me start with I am 15 years old. For the past 7 months I have been taking care of my recently disabled mother. In July my mom got diagnosed with a rare auto immune disorder that rendered her arms and legs (practically) completely useless. I couldn't leave her home alone and had to drop out of school to take care of her, she's a diabetic with a very bad pressure ulcer and I kept coming home to the house trashed from her trying to make herself food and falling so it was clear I needed to be home more. The doctors have her on a ton of steroids and a recovery time of at least 2 years and a full recovery is not promised I started online classes but we couldn't pay for it once she was forced to leave her job and we're currently waiting on her disability check. Anyway, I'm now in night school and my online credits couldn't be transferred so I now have to take summer school as well. I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted, I now drive her everywhere, I do all grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, all important calls to doctors and lawyers, I even have to cut up her meat for her.
Everyone tells me that I'm so brave and such a good person but I don't want to be anymore!! My mom refuses to get a home health nurse, it makes her feel uncomfortable, and also doesn't want to go to assisted living though it has been offered to her on several occasions. We have no family here, so I'm doing this myself, I have no friends, no one to talk to about any of this. She also takes her anger out on me, she's shoved me, rammed her walker into my legs, yells at me all the time about all the things I do wrong. I just don't want to do this anymore. We plan to move closer to family later this year, her health permitting but I know its still going to fall on me. I feel like im honestly taking care of a toddler, when she's angry she throws her drinks and screams and cries and I know it's mostly because she's angry at her illness and not me but I can't take it.
I'm also scared for my future, I want to go to the university of Miami, its my dream school, but this summer school is really going to set me back and I'm scared that my mom won't be better in time for me to go to college. She's even asked me to consider online classes during college so I can stay home and take care of her. I'm scared that this is all my life will ever be, taking care of my mother until she dies. I get these sick thoughts that I wish she would die just so I wouldn't deal with this pressure and her tantrums and I would actually have a life again. I WOULD NEVER HURT HER OR GIVE HER SECOND RATE CARE THOUGH. Just saying. I cry almost every night and I just want to scream at her that I'm trying my best but I'm just 15. I only have my license because she's disabled, I'm not old enough to get a job. I feel like I'm 30 years old with a baby, I have to feed her, dress her, help her go to the bathroom. I do everything and it all happened so quickly my head is spinning. Its not even like I can take a break, I have no friends to unwind with and no one to leave my mom with.
There isn't much on the internet for kids like me taking care of sick parents so I figured I'd post here for advice and help and for someone to just tell me it's going to be okay i guess. And please don't suggest I talk to her about it, I've tried and she ended up guilt tripping me on how much worse she has it. Thank you for listening to my rant and I appreciate any words of wisdom you could give me.
But in any case, our OP says that he had to drop out of school to take care of his mother when she got ill; so I was astonished that the school he was at didn't investigate the reasons for his leaving and take it from there. How come?
Shelby, the last thing I want to do is patronise you, but look at the legal implications here. At 15, you do not have the legal ability to consent to this living arrangement, or to be held responsible for your mother's welfare. It's out of your hands. I don't care what your mother has to say to you about it, the authorities have responsibilities to both of you. Take advantage of that.
You are between a rock and a hard place. Do you have the parents of a friend that you can rely on. You are basically the head of a household and you still need care, yourself.
Should she need a trip to ER before other plans are made....please, please tell them you are unable to care for her at home. Be honest and give your age. Being a loving, caring daughter does not mean giving up your future. God bless!
Is there another computer in your house or apartment that you can get online through?
Is there a payment for rent or home mortgage due this month?
Are any of the monthly bills on autodraft at the bank?
Is there any extra money in the bank that would help get you through this month?
When did your mother go to the Casino?
You need to tell Adult Protective Services and Child Protective Services about this when you contact them on Monday.
The Illinois Department of Children and Family Services has a youth hotline.
on their site
http://www.state.il.us/dcfs/index.shtml
The Illinois Department on Aging's Adult Protective Services has a website with a 24/7 hotlilne.
https://www.illinois.gov/aging/ProtectionAdvocacy/Pages/abuse.aspx
Maybe the Adult Protective Services and Child Protective Services for your area contact information can be found online as well as in the telephone book.
I'm sure you will call when your fear of thinking this is all your life will ever be becomes much stronger than your fear of making the call. People often don't reach out for help until the pain of their problem becomes greater that the pain of having to ask for help. Make the call at least by Monday if not earlier since both state agencies have 24/7 hotlines. They do keep calls anonymous according to what I read on line. That should make you feel better about calling.
With all of the money lost to your mother's gambling, you are in an even worse crisis than we were aware of earlier in this discussion. That's a good reason to call as soon as possible.
BTW, given your age, I guess you just finished your freshman year and this is your sophomore year in high school. Am I correct? How have your grades been this year while going to night school? It's the grades that you make while in high school and your SAT score that determines where you can apply to college. Your families financial situation and any money you may have determines how much money that you can get to help pay for you to go to college. I hope you can make your study and work dreams come true, but right now you must make sure that is a real possibility for you.
Usually it's a single parent, and the big concern is what will happen to that child if the parent dies. I think an equally big concern is what will happen if the parent lives. Your story illustrates that dilemma so well. How can a young person start her own life, go to college, get married, find a career, when a sick parent is depending on her and she's already indoctrinated into the caregiver role? I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope that Shelby finds help and a way out so that her life is not taken over by her mother's needs.
How are things going financially at home with your mother not being able to work since becoming disabled last July, taking her to see the doctor, regular household monthly expenses, and any cost involved with going to night school?
Please accept what help is out there! Go to college and make a life for yourself! APS is there to help her and you will always care about her but the expectation that you were put on this earth to take care of your mother to the detriment of your own life is wrong. I really regret taking over the care of my mother at such a young age and if I could do it over again I wouldn't have. The adults around me should have stepped in to take over.
My mother was oblivious to the fact that I didn't want to give up my life to take care of her. She just assumed we were "pals" for life. I was in my 30's before I voiced my displeasure. You need to emphasize that you're looking our for BOTH your futures not just hers. You have every right to your own future!!!!
It is a good idea to talk with your principal some more. However, I still suggest that in the crisis you and your mother are in that come Monday morning that you call APC and CPS! This situation at hand needs your full attention now and your energy focused to follow through on.
Not only are you not 18, but your mother cannot apply and be approved for social security disability insurance until she has been out of work for a whole year and the process takes time. Plus, she has to have worked enough years full time to be able to draw these benefits. The older a person is the more work credits are needed to qualify. I know for I am on disability.
It could take a short time of 3-5 months or it could take a couple of years for it to be approved. This is not a given in your life right now. Without your mom being on social security disability insurance, there is no applying for benefits for children of a disabled parent and that only applies if the child is under 18 and must be applied for by the disabled parent after they are awarded disability. Again, I've been there, I know, my two boys received money which was spent according to the guidelines for parents who are the representative payee for their children under 18 as outlined @
http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/resources/social-security-disability/ssdi/payments-representative-payee.htm. There is also an annual report that is required concerning this money about how it was spent and how much was put in an interest bearing account for the child's future use. the payee, the parent, cannot use the money for their own personal expenses like paying for their own home health care. Like you wrote, this process is complicated.
Right now is not the time for you to look into it. Right now, you have a crisis to respond to. That is something that you can do something about. This disability money application and award plus money for you as a child under 18 is not anything that you have or can do anything about right now.
Focus on what you have to deal with now and what you can do something about now. Veronica91 and Jeannegibbs have given you wonderful statements of support and advice. Listen to them. You are going a good job. Hang in there. I know it is tough, but there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is not an oncoming train. Keep posting and talking with us and together we will get through this crisis with you.
How was your mothers behaviour towards you before she became disabled with this vasculitis. Had she always controled you with guilt and manipulation?
You said you are back in school does your school have a councelling office. Can you got to see them and tell them everything you have told us. Print out this thread and show it to someone you trust, a counciler or teacher. Invite them to come home with you after school so they can see the state of the house after mom had been alone all day. Make an excuse and say something like. "Hi Mom this is Ms------she just came by to look at my art work" or any excuse you can think of and keep the visit light and brief. Re assure mom it will only take a minute then you will make her a snack or whatever. keep the visit really short and don't go outside to discuss anything leave that for when you meet at school the next day. The bottom line is that you are a child and your mother is abusing you. This is fact not guessing and there are laws against. She is very sick mentally and physically and probably can't help it but that does not alter the fact you both need help desperately. Never mind destroying your life there is a danger of driving to to want to end your own life. We can advise you all we want and the majority of us have lots of life experience and knowledge but in reality you need someone older to make sure the authorities take your situation seriously and take action. It is always easier with a friend at your side. Keep writing to us shelby it really does help to be able to write your thoughts and fears down. Mom is not going to agree to anything voluntarily so don't even try and persude her tell her. She has put you in the position of being the responsible adult in the family so you need to exercise the power she has given you. I know you are afraid I would be too but you have already shown how brave you are. This is not about whether you love her although in a way it is because you will do what has to be done because you do love her. Love and blessings to you Shelby. I have a grand daughter your age and she is equally mature but I can not imagine making her take on your responsibilities
http://www.ssa.gov/dibplan/dfamily4.htm