We told our mother that her husband had died the night that it happened, but every few hours she asks where he is? Telling her that he died over and over seems unnecessarily upsetting. After the first few times we started saying that he was away at the moment and she forgets she even asked seconds later. Can anybody who went through this offer any advice? Then there is the subject of the service. Thank you
She is on a one-minute loop now.
My answers don’t matter. They don’t alleviate her anxiety. They don’t change the fact that she leaves our visits to ask the caregivers the same question that I just attempted to answer.
I am not allowed to be out in the main community area, because of COVID restrictions. So, my mother just leaves her room to go in search of another answer to the question in her loop.
After 4 times in 5 minutes, I just end the visit.
Sigh.
Four months after Dad's death, Mom "married" her high school sweetheart who she hasn't seen since 1944 and has been dead since 2009. He's the one she's always asking about, so we tell her he's at work. The guy is quite the workaholic at 94 years old, but she's completely satisfied to know that he'll be back later this evening when he's done climbing telephone poles, flying the Kennedy family around as their private pilot, or working with NASA on the satellite that crashed on the roof of her nursing home. (All are careers she's told us he has.)
My dad worked six days a week for the last 15 years before he retired, so it seems that making this new imaginary husband a bit of a workaholic keeps my dad alive, and it works with Mom. She was used to waiting around while he was off at work, so she's still doing it today with Dan the Invisible Man.
Find what white lie works with your mother, and stick with that one.
You know how is it then. When they're in a repeating loop and get fixated on something, answering them over and over again makes no difference. Especially when it has to do with the death of a loved one.
Some of my client's elderly friends actually got rather cross with me when I told them I would not attend her if the family decided to take her to the funeral service. A couple of them actually told me to my face how they couldn't believe I could be so cold and cruel to not help her go.
What brought those two down off their high horse was that I asked them one question. I agreed that I'd attend her at the funeral service if they had a workable answer to my one question.
What happens when she craps herself in front of hundreds of people at the funeral home?
She couldn't stand even with assistance so there was no chance of cleaning her up in a restroom. Places don't have an adult-sized changing stations in restrooms like they have for when a baby needs a diaper change. So the only alternative would have been her sitting in it for the day.
When it was explained in exactly these terms their opinion on the matter changed drastically.
That’s a perfect question to ask!
Others have NO IDEA till they have done it.
Dad is in the bathroom, you know him he will take forever.
He took the car in for service, he should be back soon
Dad had a doctors appointment.
He went to get his hair cut.
Repeat as often as necessary.
Many times when my elderly client would be in a repeating loop asking where her dead husband was, my answer would just be "He isn't here. He went out".
When she was fixated on something in a dementia loop, it didn't matter what we told her or even if we didn't answer her every time. She would just keep repeating anyway.
As to the “service”, why are you having one? Is it to satisfy the requirements of the deceased’s religious faith, or so that family can join to remember him, or for some other reason?
It sounds as if your mother in no way would benefit from being there. If that is the case, spare her, and keep her in her typical daily routine. Protect her from overt expressions of sorrow. They will not help her feel better.
There will no doubt be at least one upright family member who will cluck about your decision to allow your mother the peace of staying home. Ignore them.
As long as you are entirely focused on your mother’s comfort, please don’t be concerned about who thinks what, or why they think it.
Someone more concerned with nonessentials instead of your mother’s wellbeing just shouldn’t be considered.
Good for you who love her by protecting her.
Of course there will be some family member or friend who will start as you say "clucking" about the mom not going to the funeral service.
The mom gets in dementia loops and doesn't remember from one minute to the next that her husband died. So her dementia is advanced and at this point it would be nothing short of miraculous if she wasn't incontinent as well.
The "clucking" family member should be asked the same question I asked some elderly, do-gooder, clucking friends.
What happens when she craps herself at the service?
I'm pretty sure those people will keep quiet about insisting she be allowed to attend.
She would get in a dementia loop and ask over and over again where he was. Sometimes up to 50 times a day or more. She was told at first that he'd passed away. Then finally we just stopped telling her. We'd say that he was in rehab for his broken leg. Or that he went to visit their son (who lived out of state).
Every time she was told that he passed away she was hearing it for the first time. She'd get hysterical then not remember why. This made my job and her life unnecessarily a hundred times harder.
Her family and friends had the same question as you as to whether or not she should be taken to the funeral service for her husband.
My answer to you will be exactly what I told them.
Absolutely not. If your mother's dementia is advanced to the point that she doesn't remember from one minute to the next that her husband has died, taking her to his funeral service will be a disaster. Not only for her but for everyone else who goes to it.
You can have people stop over and visit her after the service. Instruct them not to tell her he died though.
One of my client's friends who she didn't see often stopped by about a month after the husband passed. I had told her ahead of time not to bring it up or tell my client "how sorry she was" because of what would happen. Well, she didn't listen and came in with tears in her eyes, hugging her and offering her condolences.
Of course my client got hysterical all over again, then crapped herself, and regressed terribly for the next two days. Of course she didn't remember why, but the upset really set her back. ADL's like changing, dressing, feeding, and getting her to take her meds became almost impossible.
This will probably happen to your mom too. Please don't tell her again about her husband passing, and don't take her to the funeral service.
No need to keep upsetting her.