For those who became estranged from their siblings because of lack of help for parents, how is your relationship now?

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For those who became estranged from their siblings because of lack of help for parents, how is your relationship now?

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I posted earlier about my big brother acting on his guilt and money issues and being a pain right now as my mother is dying. We all have our individual levels of disfunction, but as a family, we pretty much work. So I'm sure we'll work this out eventually. I think what becomes of a family that's torn apart by a member's bad behavior depends on the ability of the offended to tell the offender exactly what their words and actions did and how they made the offended feel. It also helps if the offender realizes he or she was an asshat. Write a letter. Be specific. If the sibling is such a narcissist that he or she won't read it or will make fun of you, don't even send it. Writing it down is freeing. You might get an apology. Or you might forgive without one...

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I harbored a lot of anger toward my uncle for a long time because he has refused to pay toward my grandmother's care. But now I realize that I am blessed to have a husband who will pay for my grandmother's care, and I focus on that instead. I sometimes go a week without thinking about my uncle and all his children at all. My mother has the job of having to care for my grandmother, and my husband sends the check. My only solace is that maybe one day my uncle and his children will have a reckoning. If not, that's ok too. We did the right thing, and that's all that matters.

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I agree, doing the right thing is what matters.

(0)

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I have but one motto in life - do unto others as you’d like them to do for you in those same circumstances.

Yes it was hard struggling alone with “morale support via phone” occasionally. Yes it was difficult when they “helped” by ordering a different door instead of same type replacement when police broke down original. Dad couldn’t understand how to open the door and frequently locked it from inside unwittingly making great fun for getting in to him!

If I were to think about it - I could come up with lots of such issues. But my parents are at rest now. My sibling has their share of the money. I’m not going to waste one second in negativity. I did what I could and because I felt it was right to. God deals with anything else - not me. I’m enjoying the memories of making my parents laugh or smile despite pain, dementia etc.

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Just because my brother couldn't help with the out-of-state caregiving for our late mother, does not mean he does not love me. He does!💞💞💞💞💞💞💞

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You're the lucky one!

(0)

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My brother sued our father when he revoked his POA (we had dual POA) due to my brother selling off Daddy's stock and taking over $70,000 of his money without Daddy's permission. He bought a brand new truck and boat. My brother had the gall to file a complaint against me with Adult Protective Services for stealing from Daddy. Their investigation found no proof of me stealing and they opened it up on him and, of course, found proof of his use of Daddy's funds for his own benefit.
In the meantime, the lawsuit dragged on and cost Daddy hundreds of thousands of dollars.
It was a big mess.
My brother did many other things to make our lives miserable. Fortunately he did not understand Texas criminal and civil law like I did and I just worked each problem as they popped up.
It was a rough road we traveled, and as much as I would like to have a good sibling relationship with him, he cannot be trusted.
I made sure that my brother was treated well at the funeral and had the flag presented to him.
We took he and his family out to lunch after the funeral and had a nice time.
Then, about a month or so after the funeral he demanded by text to know all of the deposits made into Daddy's account for the last six months. Not the expenses, just the deposits.
I answered that I would be happy to answer all questions to the Executor (a third party entity because I refused the position).
He apparently sent an email to the Executor that worried them so much that they further refused to act as Executor.
He has always had the reputation of being a bully. He will not change.
Maybe in the future my young niece will wish a reconnection. That is my hope.

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So sorry you had to deal with that crap. My brother is a supreme bully who thinks he is smarter than God! He is very patronizing and condescending!

(6)

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My story is nowhere near as sad and bitter as others' here, but we three were never denied a thing by our parents and yet only one of us became actual caretaker to them both. At the passing of my father, the worst of us cut short his funeral visit saying his boss needed him, did nothing to help thereafter, and later dismissed the years-long demise of my mother with "she was falling apart anyway" while kicking in hardly a dime or a day of his time working on their problems or their subsequent estates, leaving me to divvy it up (fairly) while dismissing my monetary losses. The other brother became too ill to help but did, when he could. Now I am caretaker to him whom the other hasn't visited in 15 years. He accuses me of toxicity for protesting his selfishness, and has cut me off. Good! I remember my dad's sisters sued my dad for his inheritance after abandoning their father too. And so it goes, on and on, with no one learning to be fair, generation after generation.

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In my younger years I could hardly say I was empathic person Later in my golden years I discovered that in order to feel empathy you first must practice it.
Ive spent several years visiting veterans living in NH.It gave me a strong sense of empathy to act on when needed
Today most peoples problems in self absorption lye in a failure to develop what Dr.Low calls a total personality.While no one are saints,sinners or martyrs we must always seek the greater good.over our self importance.
My family while far from perfect has stuck it out.No divorces yet,lol
Another point to remember while we may dislike behavior of some family we can never divorce them.Once a brother or sister always a brother sister.
So never give up persuading those weaker there is redemption.
Peace is the purpose of life.To make ourselves and those around us peaceful."
Dr.Abraham Low founder of Recovery Inc.in 1937 and author of

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It’s great if things can work out between siblings but for some of us it’s healthier to end the relationship. Sometimes the kindest thing that we can do for someone is to leave a person alone and allow them to live in peace.

(14)

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I have seen this all too often. Sometimes others in the family for whatever reasons just simply will not or cannot help with caretaking. If the situation is really legitimate and valid, that is one thing to consider but if it is just simply selfishness and the unwillingness to do anything to help, then ask yourself - do you really want people like that in your lives? Personally, I would not. And then go on to make a good life for yourself without them. People have to deserve to be treated well and if they can't be decent, then why have them in your lives?

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I don’t either! Good riddance.

(2)

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Yes there is hope. I held so many resentments that I was really over anxious. Turns out, brothers (i3 of them) did nothing the whole time Mother was still with us. Long story short, I reached out first. I had to, I discovered that it was my own doing to not communicate. It is what brothers and I were taught - don't talk about anything that was either emotional or private to ourselves.

It took a good effort on each of our own parts to say "we need to learn to communicate". It was and to some degree still is foreign to each of us. It has been less than 6 months since Mother passed, but we have been fortunate and made hugh strides.

When Mother passed and my own health "went to hell" I have had to learn that I am partially responsible for the split I felt. I also did things that told my brothers I didn't need/want their help. Oh how wrong I was, stubborn and all that.

However, to date my brothers and I "check in" frequently. I am sure each of us regrets where things were, but I refuse to get stuck there any longer. We are now "The older generation" and I want to enjoy every second of it.

Good luck metoo111 with a little effort and a decision to be "OKAY" no matter what you will find that peace you search for - sending hugs and prayers.

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You are an inspiration!
I have hope for my husband and his brothers. My husband is the one taking care of his Mom and I see where is brothers come from. He never asks for their input or even tells them what is going on w her. It is a two way street.
I hope they are able to reconnect eventually!

(4)

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I'm not sure how things will end between me and my younger brother. I feel like our relationship started to decline when we both went away to college. I was always the adventurous one and never really moved back close to home. My parents always kind of babied him, paying his rent and buying his car...whereas with me, they figured I could just do it on my own...and I did. I feel like some of the resentment I felt towards him started with all the pampering he was receiving, while I was making my own way in the world. During this time, my parents also came to resent me, telling my brother things like "Oh your sister doesn't care/love us because she moved away and is having so much fun without us." I guess I didn't realize that travelling around in your 20s equaled not loving your family. But anyway, things really started falling apart when my dad died about 2 years ago. My brother moved in with my mom because I was not willing to give up the life I had begun building to move back to Alabama. As my mom's health began to rapidly decline, my brother was unable to care for her, though he didn't see it that way. When I would visit, the house would be filthy dirty. There wouldn't be any food in the house and they would only eat fast food (my mother has diabetes, and I still feel that eating nothing but fast food for 2 years contributed greatly to her rapid health decline). My mom had infected sores all over her body from living in the filth. So I offered to move mom across the country to live with me, with the plan being to get rid of her house so she can get on Medicaid and go into a SNF or at least get home care. NOW my brother is refusing to move out of her house, claiming he can't save enough money to move (he has a full time job). He accuses me of being selfish for not taking care of mom myself, and that the only reason I'm talking about SNFs and home care is because I don't care about mom..when the reality is that I'm only 30 and want to start my life (get married to my boyfriend of 6 years, have a kid, career, etc..). When I try to talk to him about saving money to move, he just threatens to become homeless, which greatly upsets my mom. It makes me so sad because we were really close growing up and always hung out together and had a lot of the same friends. I'd like to have that version of a brother back, but I just don't see how it's going to happen.

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What relationship?

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Absolutely! This is a great answer!

(3)

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I lost everyone.. She was the last drop of glue that held my last surviving sibling and I somewhat together. So yup... what relationship.

I texted.. How are you? Got a return message... Can I call tomorrow? THAT WAS LAST WEEK.
Oh well....

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Jack,

I just read your reply to cwinter. Love your response! Wow! That’s exactly how my mom was with me. They think our siblings are so wonderful! We are supposed to overlook all of their crap. If we don’t then we are the bad guy. It’s unbelievable at times, how they think.

It’s horrible when parents pit their children against each other. Resentment builds.

Caregiving all alone, mom stirring the pot constantly with my brothers, her being a perfectionist, her not respecting me or cooperating, geeeez many other things too, all contributed to me burning out and asking her to move in with my brother and SIL after living for nearly 15 years in my home.

Sadly, my relationship with mom and my brothers were destroyed. Actually the relationships with my brothers was never all that good because we are just too different. I don’t mind different if it is complementary but not when it’s destructive. Know what I mean?

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In my case I don’t think my mother is intentionally pitting my brother and I against each other. I think she just doesn’t want to deal with any conflict. She wants her life to be as it always was and doesn’t mind his non-involvement so long as she is being cared for by someone (aka me) and relationships are what she perceives as “normal”. I had resentment build about the situation with him for ten years. After breaking contact with him, the resentment left and what remains is apathy. No love, no hate, just apathy.

(15)

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Last time I saw my brother was a month ago in Court. He walked in empty handed wearing blue jeans & leather jacket, I wore a professional suit and brought 3 binders with all of the documentation of the $20,000.00 I have paid to return the house to a "semi-normal" state. There is still more work that needs to be done, but I'm retired and financially tapped out now. The judge ordered that he pay half of the carrying costs of moms house that we own 50/50 as "tenants in common".....I have yet to see a penny. We FINALLY have the house listed with a court appointed realtor, but my brothers son did so much damage that no offers have been made.

I have no idea what he has told my extended family (i.e. cousins, aunts, etc.) but they have pretty much been silent with little to no communication as before. At this point, I frankly don't care. Once this settles, my plan is to walk away and not look back. The saga continues with a trial to begin in the spring. Till then..........

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My friend went thru this same thing with her brother. They equally inherited their parents' home & kept it for about 5 years as a vacation home. My friend paid for all the costs during those 5 years even though both families equally used it. She, too, kept meticulous records. When it came time to sell, brother expected to get 1/2 of the profits. He did & then his share was reduced by 1/2 of the upkeep the judge ordered be paid by him. Brother didn't speak to my friend for probably 3 years. Turns out it was his wife -- now ex-wife -- that was upset; he completely understood & respected my friend's position.

(5)

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There is no more relationship.........he wouldn’t lift a finger to help with mom then tried to pull the POA & control card with me telling me how everything was going to be done.

I told him to do it himself & he hasn’t let me see or speak to mom since & it’s been over 2 years now.

I don’t ever want him back in my life!

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Jada,

Good for you! Why open up a wound and pour salt in it? Your brother sounds as nasty as my brothers. Good riddance! I am not interested in hearing anything they have to say and I don’t want to waste any time and energy on them.

They are control freak bullies!

(5)

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My mom has dementia & @ 95 years of age brother who did absolutely nothing for her took her to a lawyer & got unlimited DPOA & had her change her trust to 100% himself from the 50/50 way she had it before our argument.

You’re right NeedHelpWithMom they are absolute control freaks & greedy.

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My husbands family recently went through this when the "drama queen sister" did the same thing. The lawyer was contacted and made aware that the doctors had declared her incompetent. The changes she had her mother make were rescinded, returning her trust to its original state.

(4)

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In retrospect, I face the hard reality that my mom pitted us against each other, letting the youngest lie to her face most of the time while I exposed his lies in frustration. His smug jokes at the crises she faced and which I had to help her through emotionally, legally and financially were the least of it. I had bought her a small house and handled the myriad problems with it, briefly managing to convince her the imbalance was unfair, that his pleading poverty while sending photos from continual, expensive vacations including whorehouses in the Philippines was insulting. Then he got married and used that as his excuse for doing nothing to help out, so in resentment, I told our mom about the whorehouses among his other glamorous vacations. I never thought she would, but in anger she told his new wife. The s- hit the fan! He thought I had no right to complain as sole caretaker and demanded an apology from me. Now, years later, in the middle of drug rehab after losing his job, he claims his Chinese wife (whose English was so poor he misunderstood her) said that I told her directly about the Philippines in order to destroy his marriage. He demanded I make a video of myself apologizing and further, demanded that my wife be in it. We haven't talked in years.

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Small consolation for you, but at least your mother acknowledged the whorehouse part. My mother would make up a myriad of insane excuses to explain away any bad doing on her darlings part, while inventing horrible things about me - the one who, like you - did all the helping and cleaning up....

(7)

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For me, I contributed many hours of care giving going on three years now. I live 6 hours away. My home situation changed, thus my availability changed. I still go, but my visits are shorter. One sister seems to think I am no longer "involved," but I am. It's hard knowing this is how she feels, and maybe she has rethought that since I discovered it. I've sacrificed a lot, risking my family's financial future and my own marriage (not that he has ever threatened ending it). I am doing the best I can for all involved.
I guess my point is, make sure those who have done their part and have backed off some, due to necessity, are not getting the same reputation as the siblings who have done nothing. I don't understand the uninvolved siblings. I really don't. I refuse to make excuses for them. There are things they can do from a distance. If they are taking vacations, going to concerts, remodeling their homes, etc, they can afford to pay for hired care givers, house cleaners, meals, etc. They can show up and do things for their parents or the main care givers on some weekends. So, for that reason (and a few other reasons that revealed true character), I have no desire to continue a relationship with our brother. It took me a while to accept this. Someone asked me if I would be friends with him were he not related. The answer is "No." He has too many other ethical problems for me to befriend him. I only feel apathy towards him now. As for my two sisters, I want them in my life and am seeing any hurtful comments as care giver burn out, grief over dying parents, and just venting. They are amazing care givers too.

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I would choose two of my siblings for friends, but not the third. Totally untrustworthy. My folks knew it.

(1)

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I can totally relate. I have two sisters and one brother. My boyfriend of 18 years helps me take care of my mother and father. We have a big problem finding caregivers who are reliable. My mother has many health concerns: Type 2 Diabetes and Lewy Body Dementia are just two. No contact from any of my siblings...no help from them!

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Unfortunately, many caregivers do the tasks of caregiving alone. Tough job.

(2)

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As my caregiving saga unfolds, the more I am disgusted with my sibs.
I'm pretty well painted into a corner as the resident caregiver, and the way they value their own time, yet disregard mine and my need to actually leave the house, (my dad can't be left alone), even to go f***ing grocery shopping or make a pharmacy run, is so vexing I walk around shaking my head in dismay.
They have NEVER offered me an unlimited day off, it's always, "How long are you going to be gone? I have things to do." I didn't take any money for my services, or for groceries, etc., for over a year as I figured if I did, then it would be considered "my job."
Although it was a bitter pill, I came to the realization that they did consider it my job, so a few months ago I started taking money. Yep, it's MY JOB all right.
When my dad is gone and the dust settles, I wish very limited interaction with them.
My sister is, IMO, showing signs of early onset, but it won't be me doing the care taking.
So outta here.
Thank you for letting me vent.

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Vent anytime Ricky. I’m sorry you are not getting any help from sibs. Have you considered a day care program for your Dad to give you a few hours during the day to get some errands done? Maybe a couple of days a week?

(3)

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I really don’t care about not having a relationship with my brother any more or his 2 daughters who seem to be fine with what he’s doing.........because of course they’ll benefit in the long run.

What really bothers me is that myself & my sons have been cut off from all & any contact with my 97 year old mom with dementia. It’s been over 2 1/2 years now since I’ve seen or spoken to her.

It’s really hard to let go since she lives across the street from me so I can see that no family goes to visit her & brother goes there maybe twice a week for about an hour at a time. It’s really heartbreaking when I see a rescue truck go there & I don’t know if she’s ok or not..........she has fallen numerous times in her house.

For keeping my family away from my mom in the last years of her life I will never forgive him..........EVER!

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I am not sure how he can keep you away from your mother, especially since you live right across from her! Did he go to court to prevent you from seeing her? If so can you not go to court and have the order lifted by showing good faith, etc?
If any of my siblings had done that to me, I would have moved mountains to ensure I could still see her, because I know that without me in her life, my mother would not have wanted to live any longer.

(1)

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I moved mom to the city where I live about four years ago. My younger brother is not financually able to make the cross country trip to see her, so I paid. He spent a nice week with her though he's unable to do much physically because of his own health.
My sister, who also lives on the other coast, can visit but doesn't. I asked her to do a couple of things, but that hasn't worked out well. My husband finally convinced me, my sister's issue is with my mom.
At times it's very hard emotionally, but then I come on here and talk. I've been blessed to have found good senior housing and healthcare for mom a few minutes from me.
She has a home health aid every day. (She complains constantly about the service.) Shes getting more "complainsome" each time I visit.
Though she's on a very limited income all her expenses are covered and she has about $300 left each month which I make sure is used for her personal care and enjoyment.
My resentment with my sister was hurting me. I had to let go.

As she travels the world on two-and three week luxury vacations, I'm sure she doesn't give us a thought.

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Pretty disgusting. Not only can siblings be real jerks, there children can be as well. My older brother has two nieces, both of which are around 30, and both live about an hour drive away. Their grandparents, (our parents) treated the two girls like little princesses. Now that our parents have gotten older, they are no where to be seen, yet alone to help out. No cards, no flowers, nothing. They are of the "entitled" generation. Dad was in the hospital for six weeks. No visits from them. Mom sits around with advancing dementia. All the nieces care about are their own lives.

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Horrible for you and your parents. Same here with my niece and nephews but only a mother left and she still defends and favors them over the only person doing all for her (me)....

(5)

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I probably won’t see my siblings again and don’t care right now as I am in the thick of it. I am planning on moving away. I may feel sad about it someday but not now.

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Once my dad passes, I probably won’t see my siblings either. I hope to move away and assemble a new life without them in it. I’ve decided to forgive them for my own peace of mind, but in truth, I will never forget. It’s probably childish on my part, but I like to think there will be some kind of karma or universal payback for them.

(7)

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May I ask how many caretakers here are first born? How many female vs. male?

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Former caregiver. Middle child. Only daughter. Cared for mom, dad and brother in my family. Also helped for for MIL and grandmother in law.

(3)

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Well, that opens so many tabs in my head.
I love my siblings, BUT...
I always idolized my older sister which turned out to be a waste of my pre-teen years as well as hopes and dreams of being like her. I would make sure she had the proper attire for her dates, do her nails and hair. She had her choice of any guy in high school. Me, I wore cat-eye glasses (very popular now), braces, great complexion though, but I wasn't as good or as smart as my sister. I was reminded every day.
Younger was the baby of 3 girls. I never have liked this sister since she was born. I love her because she is my sister. She could do whatever she wanted when she wanted and right in front of Mom/Dad.
Then there's my baby brother. He carries the family jewels so we all know he was placed on a throne. He is the only sibling I really have a relationship.
They wouldn't let me know what was happening with our Mother for over 5 yrs. They got tired of being responsible for her, so I was given the responsibility totally unexpected 1 day, they weren't talking with me no matter how I tried.
Now that I am in 'control' so to speak, I am handling all of her affairs. There are things I don't tell them and some things I do. I will deal with that later, Mom is my major concern, not theirs.
I'm sure that when everything comes to an end, none of us will be talking with one another again. That hurts me and crushes my heart, but 2 of 3 don't and never really did give 2 hoots about Mom. The other I'm close with but not like we had been.
We have to accept that families are no longer the Beaver Cleavers or Father Knows Best.
This may be rude to some, but those born in the 60s and up are non-relationship/families any longer UNLESS there is money involved.
You sound a lot like me. My life has always been about family, but my perception of the perfect family, the perfect family holidays all died in the 80s when our Father left our Mother. Not only did it crush Mom who was that 1950s wife/Mom, it also crushed my 1950s of thinking we were that 1950s family.
It's hard on me mentally and physically, but I have a great therapist. I have to learn my family life is no longer, will never be again, and I just had my head in the clouds trying to make it the perfect family picture and family.

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So true! I thought my family was close but after my mother past away in 2010 Our remaining glue dried up. We were never lovey dovy and like your family 60’s-80’s upbringing. Lots of heart broken tears and butt hurt, dads 85 living on his own with the help of his going on 5 year lady friend who has taken over (his choice) so this daughter is moving once again due to girlfriend interference and him alienating all four children! Lord knows I tried my best and wish this dreaded dementia hadn’t taken my dad away from me. Thanks for reading I wish I had an answer to the Sibling Shift we all seem to experience because with my family I know it’s not about the money! It’s about his safety and well being!

(2)

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I never hear from them. I am the youngest of 6 , two passed on long before Mum. The rest of them never called even when Mum was alive to check on her, or come to see her. I ended up taking care of her after my sister who had insisted on taking care of her called me out of the blue to tell me she was not going to be able to take care of Mum and that she was placing her in a facility. I won't go into all that happened to get to this point.

When my Mum passed away, after taking care of her for over 13 years, I called one of my brothers and he did come to the cremation and also paid for it. He told the others but none of them ever called. Even my brother who came just for that one day of cremation has never called since then.

I doubt I will hear from them for now. However, I anticipate hearing from them at some point in the future because there may be money to gain from some land abroad that is currently under legal dispute.

I personally cannot forgive anyone of them for the way they treated not only my mother, but also me. They could all, because they are all wealthy professionals, have done some small and big things to help me take care of Mum under better conditions. They could all have easily paid our utilities between them, all could have paid our rent or bought a house under their own name and let us live in it rent free, or even just offered to pay for respite now and then so that I could have a break, or even paid for massages for me and /or Mum here and there. But they chose not to. Even after Mum died the y could have easily between all of them, have sent me on a nice vacation as a thank you for taking care of our Mum. But they could not be bothered, yet they have had no problems taking twice a year trips abroad, across the country to play golf, etc.

Before Mum started fighting Parkinson's we all got along well and were very close too. My Mum was a great Mum to all of us, but especially to my sister who was a much wanted daughter after having four sons. My parents made many sacrifices for their children, to give them a better life. There was just no excuse for them to turn away from both of us, other than being simply selfish,

So depending on what happened between your husband and his brother, I would not count on them communicating an time soon or ever.

I am sad, but also cannot forgive them for not thinking of me even once to lend a hand or in some way to care about what I was enduring while taking care of Mum. But this is what happens to many family caregivers, they get dumped on, and then they never hear anything from siblings. At least you care enough as a sister-in-law to worry about their relationships. Even my siblings-in-law cared. MY sisters-in-law has never called me once in the entire time that my brothers have been married, neither has my brother in law. By the way these are healthcare professionals - physicians, pharmacists, nurses, engineers!

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You don't say how long ago your mother passed away. I think it is very sad that your siblings did not visit your mother or even attend her funeral except for the one brother. And sad that they make no effort to maintain your sibling relationships. As successful professionals, they are simply selfish. They may be feeling some guilt for not doing more while your mom was alive and they probably are trying to ignore the truth that they will be in the same situation themselves some day. You don't say if you or they are married and whether they have kids. I found in our situation the married-with-kids siblings are very immersed in their own cocoon of family/health issues and the unmarried-without-kids always put himself first and probably always will. They didn't interact with me much before Dad died - focus was exclusively on their children - and they aren't interacting with me after his death - focus is now on grandchildren. It has been easier for them to move on than me. I have talked with two friends (also single women) whose siblings were equally involved in their parents' care; the family split up responsibilities so one person didn't have to do everything. Parents got very good care. There were no disputes about the will; disposition of possessions was done by lottery. It seems to be the nature of those families to continue to support and interact with one another after the parents are gone. They like and value each other. Another single female friend split up responsibilities with her brothers but did most of the work. She continues to be the one who does most of the work maintaining the family relationships. This doesn't tell you much except that family dynamics don't seem to change much even in a crisis. A year later, I am still angry but need to get over it for my own health. I'm trying to build a network of friends because I know my family won't be there for me. Oh, the kids are all right. They knew their grandpa.

(4)

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Ricky: Thank you! Sure was!

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A different (but similar) perspective. Grandmom has 4 kids...and 11 grandkids. I was the oldest grandchild (aka: the unofficial 5th child). Anytime I needed help her children (my aunt/uncles) would say that it’s “not their problem.” Another favorite was “you better not ask my children (my cousins) for help.” Gran truly was the glue that held the family together. Sadly she chose her eldest daughter and youngest son as executors of her estate. Never mind the fact I lived in this house my whole life, both of them knew the house was mine upon her passing. The idiots never bothered to probate the estate.... my guess is that since they won’t benefit, why bother. They’re also being spiteful - cause they can’t sell the house. They’ve ignored me for the entire year ~ jokes on them... I’ve got an attorney. It’s one thing to ignore me but ignoring the law ~ yea that won’t go over so well. To quote a friend of mine, “At the end of the day...when this is all settled, I guarantee you will never hear from any of them ever again.” Sadly I know she’s right. Once they get wind that I’ve got legal representation, gotta watch my back - wouldn’t put it past my uncle’s mentally unstable girlfriend to try something out of spite.

Either way, she passed on 03/03...and family ignored me regarding probate/taxes. Now I have to clean up the mess they made. I’ll never forgive them...will never forget the crap they pulled. At the moment I’m temporarily house bound due to surgery (NWB left foot) but prior to the surgery I got a big box of family pictures. Spent many hours shredding pics... kinda cathartic for me at the moment.

I've made peace with myself that I’m an orphan. Yes I miss my family but no I don’t miss being stabbed in the back every chance they get.

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Good for you

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Well, it’s been a few weeks since the passing of my step-father. His bio child (my step-sibling) and I became estranged following my mother’s death... after she made multiple hurtful comments about my caregiving skills when my mom was sick. She never made any overtures to take care of her own father.

Long story short, she came when she found he was comatose, stayed for the funeral... and found out how much money she would get out of the estate. She left the day after the funeral. We will never be close. In fact, we most likely will have no contact. And that’s okay. No one knew who she was at his visitation or the funeral. My siblings, children, and cousins were at both. My work family came for the visitation. The clergy who presided knew me even though my step-father attended a different church. His buddies knew me and my family, because we supplied the refreshments for their game nights and balance watches. I have peace in knowing I cared for him as best I could and tried to keep both church and his contemporaries in his life.

Are there things I would change? Sure. You don’t give long term care without fatigue and missteps entering into the mix. But overall, I think we gave my step-father family, many happy memories, many happy holidays, and a sense of independence. My step-sister chose her own pleasure over being there for her father.

My relationship with my step-sibling ended with my step-father’s death. But I tried to be congenial during the funeral, let her take the lead in planning, and steered away from any unpleasantness. I now have my life to live without her judgments
and negativity. I hope she’ll be happy. I know I will be.

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Ruthie, you say:

"...overall, I think we gave my step-father family, many happy memories, many happy holidays, and a sense of independence. My step-sister chose her own pleasure over being there for her father."

Um. This does make it sound as if possibly, years back, your step-sister felt that your step-father had done the same?

But well done to you for handling the funeral with kindness and dignity - it can't always have been easy to hold your tongue! May you be happy.

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For those who became estranged from their siblings because of lack of help for parents, how is your relationship now?

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