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I am faced with almost the same situation but for 6 month. My sister gets mom for 6 month but is hinting she doesn't know how much longer she can do it. My mother also can b left alone for short periods. I too am feeling resentful. I am 67, my husband is 72. We r retired and I do get 6 month off but I feel like our lives are in the last season and we would like to travel. My husband is also a big help. My issue I am impatient especially with moms forgetfulness and memory loss, I know she cant help it but it still is hard. You could ask the Area Agency on Aging if they can assist with attendant care. Or will ur mother go to Sr. Center long enough for you to get out a couple hours. They are a great resource. I feel ur pain and will pray God will send us both answers.
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People are more important than animals, this includes you. You need to do what is best for your mom and you, even if it means you keep her dogs and she goes to A.L.
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Have home care say 4 hours for 3 days a week. They are to care for your mother so have a list for when they come u can choose morning, or afternoon. Sth should be at top of list , change her sheets, maybe fix lunch, while you go golf, eat out with friend, date with hubby, beauty shop, grocery shopping, but leave while caretaker is there. I had hospice come in 2-3 times a week and they gave him a bath that was it.but it was a big help. You have to take care of yourself in order to care for mom. And once or twice a year your sister could come to your house to care for mom while you and hubby go on a vacation.
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Hi. Someone competent you hire would not be sitting around doing nothing . S/he would be keeping your mom safe while you live the life you deserve to live . My mom recently passed away at almost 98. For the past ten years, she has been taking turns living with my sister and me ( we live 5 min. apart ). Together , we hired caregivers to stay with my mom so my sister and I could enjoy life while taking care of my mom. I am72 with health issues so I can relate . My mother learned to love the caregivers that we hired , over the years . They kept her company , played cards and games with her , watched movies. I did not have to worry whenever I wanted to go out . You will have a totally different outlook on taking care of your mom, if you can have a life, as well .
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First, Thank You for stepping up and helping your mother out. Family is Family and caregiving is a beast of a job with little "thank you" moments. That is why I'm leading with THANK YOU!

Secondly, The advice below, get help in the home is 100% correct. A companion care aide either private pay, or through Medicaid or VA (if either of your parents served in any of the forces.) Caregiver burnout is real and will affect your health, your attitude and your marriage. So please see where you can get help in the home, even if its friend that is looking to earn a few extra dollars.

Lastly, you need to develop a new plan. I'm not saying your old way of thinking will never be. What I am saying is stop comparing your life to what it was and understand what your home life will be. Kinda like bring home a newborn child or when you first brought home your new puppy. You and your husband changed. There were new protocols; new things changed or were deleted from your life. You need to start thinking about "What is Your new Normal?" with your mother living with you? Try to create a new normal with things you can live with; something like a compromise. Example, Every Wednesday is your golf outing with the woman's league. You don't have to or want to change that, so look for a person to adult-sit on Wednesday. So you are not pressed to be home and your mother is taken care of.

If you have questions please feel free to ask,

Most important...
Stay Inspired,
Shonda
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At your age and with your health conditions, you should be doing whatever you want whenever you want to.
You are a prisoner in your own home. You are becoming resentful because you're giving more than you have to give. Don't feel guilty about that.
Your life is more important than your mother's dogs. Put her in assisted living or a nursing home. Visit her often. Be very active in her life and her care, but do it.
Everyone will be better off for it. You, your husband, and your mother. The two of you will get your home and life back and your mom will get one of her own because she'll be around other people and will have activities to do.
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My heart goes out to you and to the two dogs. Losing "sight of" those dogs at this stage will be horrible. But here is a solution - let your mother know YOU will take the two dogs and work something out where they could be brought for visits. I went through all of this and it is heartbreaking because I became disabled and had to leave my home. Second, with your personal situation, you should NOT under any circumstances bear this burden. She needs to be where she is cared for and safe so YOU can live your life in peace and doing what you love to do. You have NO choice. Her being there is so negatively impacting you, it will destroy YOU and you do NOT deserve that. Take the steps and place her and keep her dogs. Good luck to you
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Riley2166 Apr 2021
The only other option you have is to find a caretaker who loves dogs - make sure of that above all to avoid problems, trust me. Let someone do what she needs to have done to free you. You could perhaps tend to her on the one or two days off that the caretaker has but you have to be free from this burden.
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Your anger and resentment are normal. I am feeling the same way. I would change it if I could but my husband doesn't want his mother in a nursing home so she continues to live with us. It is stressful and I know the feeling of being trapped inside and burned out. Your anger is telling you what you need. Listen to it. Get a therapist to talk about your feelings and how to move forward. Put your life first. Don't compromise your own precious life on order to make your mom's a little bit better. Only be a caregiver if you have a passion for it. Your mom made her choices in life including adopting dogs at a late stage in life. My MIL who is 91 did the same thing. She adopted a dog when she was like 86 years old! Now, she keeps hounding us about wanting a kitten!
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I am in the same situation and I TRIED to do it all myself and was feeling the exact same way as you are. Then I hurt my back trying to keep her from falling. I I found 2 very strong, young girls who come to sit with her from 10am to 10pm. They help her to the bathroom, play games with her and make her breakfast or lunch or dinner if I'm not here. This not only allows me to enjoy my own life but saves me from hurting myself.
Now it's a pleasure having my Mom with me because I'm not the one TRYING to care for her when I really can't.
Get some hired help and you will feel a lot better.
Best wishes to you and your Mom.
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You are NOT required, legally or ethically, to care for your elderly mother in your own home. Since she is getting confused, she clearly has some type of dementia - and soon will not even recognize her own dogs.

You need to start setting boundaries. At 70 with cancer, you are not doing yourself any favors by attempting to care for your mother. What if your own health suddenly goes down the tubes?

Don't wait until it becomes an emergency situation. It's time to start pursuing other options for mom, such as Assisted Living or Memory Care.
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Maryjann May 2021
I agree completely. If OP were out of the picture, THEN where would Mom go. Implement that "what if" plan now before what if becomes reality.
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Imho, perhaps the solution will be facility living for your mother, especially since you are an unwell individual, although "doing well."
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I'm sorry that all this seemed to happen at once. You need to not stress due to your health & have time for yourself & your family. To me there are four basic choices. Sell her home if needed to provide for whatever is necessary for her. Speak with husband & mom about the choices & get their input. 1)Have mom stay in her house with round the clock care-live in &/or shift so that she can keep her dogs. 2)Keep her with you, but have more hands on deck to help you-friends, family, or hired. That allows you time to relax, rest & recharge. If possible, set boundaries with your mom. Have her do small chores (fold towels, put utensils away, set table, put her laundry away, etc.)with or without supervision to encourage her interaction. Encourage as much self care as she can do. 3)Have her move in with a caretaker. 4)If these don't seem feasible, then let mom know that you'll try to find homes for her dogs & she'll have to go to AL. Good luck in finding what works for you & your mom. 🙏
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