After a 7 yr marriage, 6 years have been exclusively 24/7 caregiving. In 2018 he was hospitalized 13 times followed 4 times by rehab hospital.
Beyond the 4 major health issues of my 89 yr old husband, ( CHF, insulin dependent diabetes, stage 3+ kidney disease, multiple myeloma, delusional, parasitosis, 2 broken hips, shattered pelvis, knee replacement and suprapubic catheter maintenance) ...ongoing dealing with a enabled family of adult children....I am contemplating leaving.
I am 82 and was in great health when we married & he was reasonably healthy. I love him, obviously one couldn’t do this otherwise. I have recently hired relief 12 hours a week .
I can’t seem to take the step to go, but I-know I need to save my life.
Thank you for listening.
Sounds like his children will object to a placement. Oh, well. Get the support of his doctor and a therapist if you need one. The enabled kids are not ruining their health caring for dad so their say doesn't count.. Sometimes we have to develop a tough skin for our own survival.
You haven't responded to any posts. I am wondering if you are still around.
If was me, I hope I would find the strength to do what needs to be done to save myself.
It is clear you feel guilty and I would guess your staying is more because of guilt than love at this point, you haven't really had a marriage past the first year.
You can take the steps to look into care for him, he may actually be happier in care. Maye when you start looking, you will find something that makes you feel more comfortable in your decision.
You can still visit, you can still be there and if other people are providing the care , maybe now your relationship with your husband can be a happier one.
You have no reason to feel guilt, you have done more than most would. The fact that you are only just hiring help now.. I wouldn't have made it that long. You are clearly a strong person,, be strong for yourslef now.
Not that it is the same, but I adopted a shelter dog and after 12 great years, he had so many issues and was causing so many expensive problems that I had to put him down. The vet said, "This dog got 12 great years he wouldn't have had without your family. No guilt." That really stuck with me. We do what we can and let go when we must.
Because of that issue, I suspect, At 31, I "fell in love" with a man who was 61 and looking for his 5th wife. He wanted to marry me. But after I caught him cheating with his business partner's 54 year old wife, I moved on. I dated men in their late 50s/early 60s for years afterward, thinking they liked me because I was so mature and interesting. (HA HA HA!!!)
My biological mother always said, "You won't be so in love in a decade or two!" and I didn't know what she meant until I started caregiving. It's a lot of work and I'm not sure I could do what you're doing. Sending you love and strength.
The biggest, most important thing you both Got to do is Repent of your sins, Trust in Christ alone, and let Him save your souls!!
Eternity is a long, long time....you Do Not want to spend Forever in Hell!!!
We are all guilty of breaking God's moral laws, The Ten Commandments.....Death is our wages for sin......but Someone paid the Penalty for us! We don't have to be damned to Hell!
Jesus Christ was crucified and died on the Cross, paying our way so that we can escape being damned forever! What a deal!!
Juse Repent, turn away from sin, and put your 100% trust in Christ alone, and you will be saved!!
I hope to see you and your husband one fine day in Heaven, with our loving Creator!!
Shalom! 💜🕊💜
I think the OP has suffered enough and so has her husband. The suffering has driven her to want to divorce her husband and walk away. If she continues she will not be able to look after herself let alone her husband and what happens then? Many caregivers die before the ones they care for. I think the best solution would be for the OP to seek help from her husband's children with the decision to put him in a facility where he would received the 24/7 professional care a person needs. He is clearly at a stage where care from one elderly person is far from sufficient.
Please know you are not alone. We hear you & we feel your pain. And we are praying for you.
I am very concerned about you. Saying you “know you need to save your life” makes me feel as if you’ve contemplated some VERY serious choices.
As a person who worked for a geriatric social worker/therapist, I strongly encourage you to reach out to someone in the geriatric field to discuss your situation.
Contact anyone … your local Division of Aging, Alzheimer’s Association, or any geriatric case manager. I promise you, you cannot go wrong by doing this. These folks are trained to handle situations such as yours. I’ve seen them in action. Additionally, whoever picks up on the other end of the line, I encourage you to stress that your situation warrants immediate attention. Because it does.
I finally yelled for help at my Primary Care Physicians office. He recommended a few to talk with. So I called and found the one that was my best fit. Best Thing I ever Did For Myself.
And then look into getting some help with the caregiving. You also need a little TLC - go get it for yourself
Good Luck and God Bless
hugs 🤗
I would get the earliest appointment with your Doctor & ask for help.
The simple fact is that if your Husband needs a lot more care, or 24/7 care, he needs either a huge home care team or to move into a residential care home (SNH).
Both have pros & cons. Home care takes a lot to co-ordinate & can be still very stressful. NHs are never home, but necessary for many.
I don't see that YOU have to leave - be the one to move... What am I missing?
What is the practical thing to do here?
It's easy for me to say but... *stop overthinking this & move him into care* is what comes to mind. How do you feel about that idea?
Your both loving and supportive comments help me realize I am not alone nor abandoned and many of you touched on each & every emotion I am feeling.
Your suggestions...which mostly I had considered, encourage me to seek help for me.
To address some of your thoughtful questions: finances are an issue; he and his family refused my attempt to move us into assisted living 3 years ago when it was possible and no, he is not abusive and loves me as I do him.
Because I know I have given loving care unselfishly, I do not feel guilty, only hesitant to put my well being, first.
In reading the volumes of responses, I realize this medium is a Godsend and as I digest your thoughts and kindnesses, I will remember they were offered at my behest and with genuine concern for a doable outcome that won’t destroy the love my husband & I have for each other.
Thank you for your open and honest input. I will be seeking professional counsel and will update my progress.
My prayers go out to each of you with a grateful heart.