My mother this week did not want the home health care agency to get her groceries. I know this is stupid, but she wants me to do this. I have car trouble right now and can not do it, I am ordering my groceries. She got very angry with me and almost shut the phone down, because I couldn't. I have to get my car fixed because I drive anywhere between 1/2 hour to an hour to work depending on what clinic they place me in. I need my car. My mother is so mad at me and I feel so guilty like I cannot handle it all.
If she is getting mad at you just say.."mom, if you do not want groceries delivered you will have to do without" and before she can more angry hang up and do NOT answer her next dozen calls.
This is what setting boundaries is all about.
Give her a specific day that you can do things with and for her and stick to that.
Take her to the store on XXXday and if she calls and asks to go someplace on YYYday say "sorry mom, I have plans, I will see you on XXXday, we can get everything done then" If she "just has" to get something sooner and it is not an "emergency" she can call a cab, Uber, Lyft or other ride share.
As someone on this site once wrote, and I am paraphrasing now because I can not recall the exact wording, ..she can pack the bag of guilt you don't have to take the trip.
I wished I could have done the grocery shopping for my mother. But even I wouldn't do. It was all about control for her! I had to haul her along (she lived "independently" in a condo 7 minutes from me) for her grocery shopping, and it took hours...and I was directed to pick the can or box in the very back, the best-dated items, etc. She spent a long time picking out the best produce. And would stop and talk with anyone and everyone, and often ended up with her lecturing the person about B6 toxicity. So grocery shopping became her main socialization mode. Sigh...
But you are doing much more for your mother than I did for mine when she lived in her condo. I set boundaries when she stopped driving, and she was unhappy at first,...but she got used to it. She used to drive somewhere almost every day. Walking in the mall was her socialization. After she stopped driving at age 90, I took her to medical/dental appointments, to Mass once a week, and the grocery store once a week. Once in a while we would go somewhere else to buy something. And I ended up taking her to chair yoga while I swam laps, and then after that we did her grocery trip. I never did her finances, but a couple of times she couldn't balance her checkbook. After her 17-day hospitalization then rehab then NH, one of the two POA brothers took over finances. That's when we saw that she'd been slipping even in that area for a while (she was always good at that sort of stuff). I knew she'd been slipping cognitively, but she could showtime quite well for the public.
I will say that she liked me even less after all of this. Our never-great-but-okay relationship suffered. My 3 (out of state, of course!) were spared all of this. She could be very nasty to me. I ended up getting compensation (dating back to when I became her "dummy daughter driver") from my brother. That made it a lot easier for me, as I could treat the hours with her as a job. $20/hour. But of course there are no siblings that could share the load with you.
So maybe my advice isn't much for you; just wanted to say I feel for you! You are doing a lot more for your mother than I did for mine. Please let us know what you think about the boundaries idea. We want you to have relaxing weekends!
Time for you to stand up for your own mental and physical health and say "no". Let her be mad.
"I'm sorry mom, I can't possibly do that" and no further explanation. She does not own you.
If she refuses delivery service then say that you have another call that you must take and hang up.
She isn’t going to starve. She will figure it out as soon as you step aside.
Take care.
When I hear 'I only want family' or 'I only want you' - I get suspicious. Why?
Is it really 'I want more time with you?' & know you will come if there is an errand/a reason?
Is it 'I still have control'?
My Mother only wanted family because it seemed she was losing the skills to communicate effectively with others - close family could guess better. Also she trusts us, which is nice. But this does not mean it is reasonable to do everything & wear ourselves out when there are other options.
To the OP- It's taken me YEARS to put boundaries in place with my narc mother, and it's still a work in progress. I know it's not easy. These women raised us and it's like a primal instinct to react as we do. It's called grooming. Therapy and practice will help you get stronger.
Your mom has the option to have groceries delivered. Do not let her play these games with you, because down the road there will be bigger fish to fry, so as soon as she catches on that you are not to be bossed around anymore, the better.
If I were you I would stand firm on this grocery issue and make a strong point. If she gets mad or nasty, hang up!
Your Mom is in assisted living, correct? Don't they handle prescriptions? My Moms did and distributed them. I had to do nothing. Mom gets 3 meals a day. Doesn't the AL supply snacks? Moms was always having somekind of party. Can you buy once a month in bulk at a Sams? What odds and ends would Mom need weekly?
You need to set boundries with Mom or she is going to run u ragged. You spend 10 hrs a day traveling to and from work and working. This includes the hour getting ready. So ur up 6am in the morning, at least. Probably don't get home till six. So u maybe have 4 hrs to yourself and then this starts all over. Mom needs to realize you cannot do it all. She needs to rely on the people u set up and the staff at the AL. She is safe and she won't starve.
Don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. She did by canceling the person who was suppose to help you.
Don't take it personal, I know easier said then done, your Mom is frustrated with aging and not being about to do all the things she use to do on her own, like getting groceries.
I use to go into the grocery to shop, pulling 2 grocery carts, one for me and one for my parents. After awhile it became overwhelming because I was putting items in the wrong cart, and bringing in the wrong bags to my parents just out of pure exhaustion after being in the office.
Then I discovered on-line grocery shopping.... I did a happy dance.... I loved it. My Mom wasn't happy with it as the food tasted "funny" even though it was the same items I would get inside the grocery store :P Eventually Mom accepted it, she had no choice.