Is it wrong to give someone false hope?

I tell my mom when she asks that it mainly until her hand movement is much better - she looks at her hand & I give her something to squeeze as an exercise [some kid & dog toys from the dollar store] - she does it for 7 or 8 seconds then slows to a stop - she thinks her hand will improve but not at rate she does those exercises - I also massage her hands with lotion as an 'exercise' -

When she asks when she will be leaving then my answer is when your hand is better [arthritis] - I praise her when she does the exercise - it is also a good conversation starter and diversion when needed

Why take away a hope - use whatever you can for your 'prop' because then she will see that you are making a positive move for her by buying these items - you will be her 'helper' in the transition - this may mean that she will focus on something else too like her hand exercises not just the going home aspect - as with all dementia issues this will pass eventually

I'm so sorry is it possible to have in home care for your mother not knowing her condition . Or is she a handful and it is difficult for the family to meet all her needs. I would discuss it as a family and see what your options can be and see if as a team you as a family you can meet all her needs.

I've been telling my mother this for the past 17 months, as she asks it every single time I visit, often many times for each visit. She wants to know how long she has to stay there. I give her the same answer every single time:

"Mom, it is no longer safe for you to be alone in my house. We cannot afford to pay someone to be there all day every day, it is much more expensive than this beautiful facility with folks around all day to talk to and to look out in case something happens. (then she says she was fine alone). Mom, if something were to happen to you in my house while you were alone and I was at work, I would go to jail, and you would have to be in a facility that the state chooses. So, you need to be here where I know you are safe until I retire (then she asks when will that be). In seven years. I cannot afford to quit my job"

One day she asked it for the third time in seven minutes and I said "what is my usual answer to this?" and she said "When you retire". So I said "if you know the answer, why do you ask?" and she said "because I keep hoping you will change the answer.".

My mom is still pretty high functioning, but her short term memory ability is gone, along with her ability to tell time or know what season it is, etc. So she is in a facility that is both assisted living and memory care (not a locked down facility) where she can stay as long as she is not a wandering risk, or on a feeding tube or permanent IV or a respirator.

It's my way of telling the truth, and giving her hope, and giving her the same answer every single time. Sometimes when I start my litany she says "oh, yes, I remember now."

PrairieLake said it well. I heard the same sort of thing on a YouTube channel called Careblazers. She had a video on "How to respond to someone with dementia who constantly asks to go home". She said ask them questions about their home. As others have said, sometimes it isn't their last home. Ask them what did they like most about it. who was there. etc.

I must not have refreshed or something because I missed a whole page of responses here before writing mine. I just read through them and one more thought occurred to me. While so many things about having a loved one with this disease are more difficult than words can express for us to watch and go through, for me this is not one of them. I think knowing that you are saving her anxiety, stress, sadness...and giving her some form of piece and maybe even joy when you allow her to believe she is going "home" can and should bring you joy in knowing you are putting positivity in her life. Watching more piece in her face than the hopelessness another response would bring. She deserves to be surrounded by good feelings whenever possible at the end of her life and telling her she is home or wont be going home doesn't do her any good, there is no benefit for her there, the truth doesn't matter in this instance. She is unlikely to remember or grasp the actual "truth" and much more likely to experience negative emotions that may or may not linger but not understanding. I'm not sure I'm explaining this well, it's hard to grasp but when considering a "lie" and "truth" we are basing that on the way we receive the information and reality is they no longer receive information the same way. It's kind of like they speak a different language or come from an entirely different culture. Again this varies with each person and where they are in their disease but when you tell many dementia or brain afflicted patients they are safer here and they can be cared for here or they have peers here, these are things that are hard to hear but valid reasons to us so we can accept them. Very possibly all the emotions and reasoning we did when a doctor told us it was time and this is what our loved one needs but their brains very often aren't processing the same way. They aren't taking in that information and reasoning it out so the information isn't just hard to hear it's impossible which is why "hopefully in a couple of weeks" is the far better and more humane...maybe just more understandable answer. Perhaps the sobbing, arguing and general traumatic response to "the truth" people so often describe isn't non acceptance and stubbornness but more inability to comprehend and process what they are hearing. When sticking with the same line of information they have already formed, basically agreeing with them or giving them back the same understanding they just gave to you is giving them info their brain can process. I know my mom who has early dementia but significant aphasia as well, get's very anxious when she doesn't understand something. It makes her feel out of control and that makes her very anxious which in return often makes her shut down, become stubborn and uncooperative. Perhaps it's similar to what's happening with your mom and other's people talk about who have what looks like such negative reactions to information that is opposite what they expect to hear. It isn't the facts they are reacting to it's the inability to make sense of them, it's as though we are speaking to them in a different language suddenly and effectively shutting them out, taking away all of their control or even ability to express opinion about their own lives. It makes me feel good when I am successful in finding a way to present information or help her feel good about something, even if it means omitting something or fibbing a little because she is happy rather than having to go through useless traumatic emotions. But I don't lie to her or keep things from her she needs to or should know. It is still her life and I don't always agree with her decisions but I respect and accept them unless of course it's a safety or negative health issue. Then we find a way to work around things and so far so good... I'm very fortunate though as I have 2 brothers who share the load and we work well together. Sorry this go so long and confusing, my thoughts kept developing as I wrote. :)

I think it's CRUEL to lie to our elderly parents and give them false hope. Why not tell her truthfully that her health situation is such that she won't be able to go home? If she cries - well so what? Our little children cry when we tell them things they don't want to hear - but as parents, we "get over it."

I went through a similar thing with my father. He kept wanting to go to the "coffee shop." This was a local donut shop where he and my mother would go during the weekday mornings for a cup of coffee and a donut and would visit with their senior acquaintances. It was the last place he and my mother had gone together before she dropped dead of a sudden heart attack. I know that it symbolized "belonging" and "share experiences" to him. I simply explained to him that he had several strokes, that mother was dead, and he was not healthy enough to live alone now. I stuck to this story every time the issue came up. Eventually, he accepted it - even though he did not "like" it.

I am not trying to be "mean" to you - but I sense that you are avoiding telling her the truth for your OWN emotional benefit - not for hers. It reminds me of my mother's wake, when my brother, who flew in from out of town, told my father, "You look great." I pulled my brother aside later and said, "Why did you say that to him? We both know that he looks terrible!" My brother said, "I thought it would make him feel better." I said to my brother, "No - it made YOU feel better - and that's why you said it." Brother admitted that was true.

I disagree with a previous poster who said that "hope keeps us all going." Not everyone's emotional makeup responds to hope. False hope, in particular, make a person feel that they have been "lied to." It would be difficult to trust anyone again who gave me false hope by telling me a series of lies.

Dragonflower, while I really do understand where you are coming from and in most circumstances I agree that being honest is best I feel like your missing a big piece of the puzzle here. When you say "If she cries-well so what?" it males me think you are missing or forgetting that DanaLee's mom has advanced vascular dementia which more than likely means she wont remember from one day, maybe one minute to the next what her daughters answer is or that it was a lie. That in turn means her mom (as well as the daughter) will have to feel that pain and sorrow each time she asks and her daughter responds bluntly and honestly as you suggest. I just don't see the point in doing that if it doesn't have the possibility for any positive outcome. I mean the way it could for a child or adult with a normal brain that can learn and reason through the information the way you describe. The mom may or may not stop asking eventually as your dad did but probably not from acceptance but from an instinct that tells her that question is going to cause her great pain which doesn't happen unless a body has been through that cause and result enough to cause muscle memory. I'm guessing you either aren't as familiar with how conversations can go with advanced dementia patients or missed that the OP mom has that diagnosis otherwise your comments/approach do sound "mean" to me and I believe you when you say that's not your intent. I don't mean your feeling that being honest at all costs is wrong or "mean" it's the way you explain and present that above that feels abrupt under the circumstances.

When I was in nursing school 49 years ago, we were taught to always tell the truth and keep the confused or dementia patients oriented to person, place, and time. When my Mom started on her long slow decline with dementia, I would do just that. It hurt to feel like I was arguing with her every time we got together. A dear friend of mine that went to school at the same time as I did, told me this thinking has changed now. To never argue, just let them be in their own reality and when necessary redirect them. Correcting them and reminding them that a spouse, or family member or friend is gone does nothing but to upset them and make them agitated. Since doing this our visits are a lot more pleasant. I've come to realize what little time we have left should be as pleasant and loving as possible. It is actually entertaining to listen to her "memories" as she now thinks she remembers things.

This all boils down to hope.
From Miriam-Webster;
Hope;
To cherish a desire with anticipation.
To want something to happen or be true.
Trust or to desire with expectation of obtainment or fulfillment.
To expect with confidence.

We all need to have hope, whether it's to move back home, be healed from cancer or reconcile with an estranged loved one.

Especially with dementia, be kind to their delicate psyche. Never disillusion them or take away their hope. All that's left would be despair. How mean.

Thank you, everyone, for all the comments. I appreciate all the thoughts. Advanced vascular dementia is what my mom has, and yes, within five minutes of telling her something she doesn't remember it. It's so hard to know what to do, but I will continue to go with my instincts as many of you suggested. We see her doctor the end of this week, so I'll give everyone an update. I love this website and I love all of you. I'm so sorry that all of you have had to go through this stuff though, I wish that no one had to have any form of dementia, ever!

YES DEMENTIA SUCKS I WILL BE GLAD WHEN THEY HAVE A CURE THERE WILL BE A LOT HAPPIER PEOPLE ..TO LATE FOR ME MY MOM IS GONE ..SHE ALWAYS ASKED ME WHAT THE WEATHER IS LIKE & I TOLD HER THE TRUTH ..BUT A WEEK BEFORE SHE LEFT 4-1 -18
WE HAD SNOW CLOSE TO 2 INCHES WELL I TOLD HER IT IS SNOW THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME YOU WILL FEEL IT I HAD A SMALL BOWEL OF IT ..WELL I TOOK HER RIGHT HAND THEN THE LEFT & WHEN I GOT DONE SHE HAD A TEAR IN HER EYE SHE KNEW SO STILL SHARE THERE LIFE OF THERE LOVES AT THE LAST TIME POSSIBLE THEY WILL MISS ALL OF EVERYTHING BUT IN FOR NEW CHANGES SO MAKE THE BEST OF THERE LIFE I HOPE YOU CAN KEEP THEM OUT OF A NURSING HOME & HELP THEM ON THERE LAST PART OF JOURNEY OF LIFE ..I BET WHEN WE MEET THEM AGAIN THEY WILL LOVE YOU MORE ..