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Both hips fused d/t arthritis. Uses walker, bends over almost 90 degrees. She fell, spent 3 hours on floor with lifeline necklace on, but didn't use it because "I thought I could get up". Has fallen twice before and takes 2 adult males to lift her. She lies about her ability to live unaided. One sister lives in PA, one in Minnesota., brother local and wife both work. Mother lies to doctor and Social worker about independence. I am retired, SSDI. , live near mother and she takes advantage of me and my retired husband. I can't deal anymore. Because she is deemed "mentally competent and a joy", they believe her over my experience with Mom. I'm at my wits end. Sister in PA is enabler, and will not come home to help, ever. I'm just frustrated and am glad I found this site. I'm tired.....

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Lameexcuse- I hear you. You are exhausted and burned out trying to help your mother. She's not independent, but she doesn't want outside help, only you and your husband.

What do you think will happen if you don't let her take advantage of you and your husband anymore? Wouldn't she be forced to face the fact that she needs help? And if you don't come running, and tell her that either she accepts someone else's help or do without, what will she do?
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I understand and relate to your frustration with family not being able to pitch in. I had to force myself to get over it because my energy was being sapped, from anger and frustration —I had no choice but to let it and them go, it was a losing battle, and I was getting resentful too, about being "used", which made everything harder for ME and didn't change anything for them. The facts boil down to one thing: I have to do what I have to do and that's how it is, but it's actually more efficient for me now that I don't waste my time and energy as much with things I can't change, like other people. The work is still hard, that won't change, but I feel so much less weighed down by it because I can't and won't carry that resentment any more. It's hard enough without that.
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"mentally competent and a joy"...that reminds me of when people would tell me how sharp my mother was. And I'm thinking, "What?!" She would showtime at the doctor's, too (and she stopped letting me go back with her).

Everyone could get mad at you if you start setting boundaries and refuse to be your mother's stepandfetchit. But you know what? SO WHAT? I do not agree with those who might say to just suck it up and let your resentment go. You have every right to be resentful! Could there be a meeting of the siblings? Can they present a united front to your mother that things needs to change? Does she have the funds to hire help?
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By whom has she been “deemed”? Has she had a THOROUGH cognitive and emotional exam done by a professional TRAINED in geriatric psychiatry/psychology?

That, FOR SURE, would be my next step. There are different types of “mentally competent”, believe it or not. My LO could converse peacefully and humorously, but had almost no short term memory or ability to plan/organize/make appropriate choices and so on. After having the evaluation done, request a WRITTEN STATEMENT of the results of her assessment.

THEN, if she IS deemed “competent” you have EVERY REASON to back off with providing help, because she will have been proven capable of managing her own affairs, OR ——- you will have justification to begin making arrangements for “help” whether she accepts OR rejects your attempts.

She may or may not be “lying” about her ability to care for herself. She may have diminished ability to predict the consequences of her actions, and THAT behavior MAY be an indication of failing cognitive processes.

Either way, you’ll be on firmer ground with getting her appropriate care moving forward.

It sounds as though none of your sibs are going to help, so forget trying to coax them, it’s just a frustrating waste of your time.

Good luck with this. If she needs to be tricked into an evaluation, consider doing that.
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Lamexcusesibs, I know what you are going through, my Mom also refused outside help except for yardwork and repairs in the house that Dad could no longer do. They were both in their 90's.

May I ask if your Mom has eyesight issues? It wasn't until my Mom had passed that it dawned on me that many seniors refuse help or to move because of their fading eyesight. The house they are in, they know every corner of it blindfolded and where everything is placed. Any movement of item could cause confusing, even if the caregiver was just trying to help with cleaning.

Whenever I brought over groceries, my Mom always got to the kitchen first before my Dad, as Mom wanted to put things away where she would remember where she placed them. She didn't like Dad helping, as Dad wouldn't put matching items together.

Ok, to the fall risks. Both my parents would fall. Dad more so then Mom but his falls were minor, usually tumbling over when tying his shoes. Mom's falls were major. Two trips to the ER, hospitalization. Her last major fall, she had to go live in a nursing home as she could no longer stand without falling due to head trauma on that fall.

Sadly, so many of us here on the forum had to wait for a serious illness or fall before we could get our parent into senior living or have caregivers.... [sigh]
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I agree 100% with @ZippyZee...

I went through much of the same (my heart goes out to you by the way). I live out of state, and Mom is 88. We went through YEARS of trying to get her to admit she needed help, after numerous falls, major hygiene issues, problems driving. Her house looked and smelled awful, and so did she.

We tried everything -- including an intervention of sorts last summer, after another fall. She refused help at every turn. "I'm fine. You just want me to live the way you want me to."

We finally just backed off completely. We no longer argued. We no longer visited (which was heartbreaking).

Things came to a head in August, and she's now at home with HHA in place, and getting ready to transition to AL next month. She's on board, and I think she's even looking forward to this next chapter. I'm beyond grateful things came together the way they did, but it did take a significant crisis to make them happen.

Let go.
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Torally agree with those that are suggesting you just back off completely and let her live her life as she wants to. There is nothing you can do legally anyway so don't stress never it any longer. My 93 year old MIL recently (after she chose to have a hysterectomy - cancer- this summer, during Covid lockdowns) told my husband to stay out of her business, not talk to her doctors (she lies to them) or to management at her retirement complex (she broke Covid rules 3 times and had to be quarantined for 2 week periods). She insists she is independent. She still drives. So my husband totally backed off. He rarely calls, has only visited her once in the past 3 months, and if she calls he does not engage in much conversation. My husband is 68 and his mother refuses to move closer to us. She is 45 minutes away on a good traffic day. So, he is done with her. She is on her own as she wishes. And my husband is MUCH less stressed!! Please try to let this go and live a happy life. Nothing else you can really do.
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Folks with Alzheimer's type dementia do not realize they need help. Their ability to make wise decisions is the first "sense" to go. Most folks as they age lose acuity in vision, hearing, and sense of smell so don't realize that things don't look good, smell good... Most people - young and old - in the USA value their independence to the point of lying so that they can continue to make their own decisions about life. Sadly, 75% of people 75 years old or older have Alzheimer's type dementia. Sadly, the family and friends of these stubborn seniors have the heartache of watching lives go downhill,

Thank God that you care about your mom's life and have helped her in the past. To avoid that overwhelmed feeling, I encourage you to read "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. The authors are Christian counsellors that deal with difficult behaviors and difficult relationships. They have one version for adult children dealing with difficult parents. After reading the book, talk with your spouse about the ways you are comfortable with caring for mom and her difficult behaviors that need management. You are a team and need a plan that works in this relationship. If mom is deemed "mentally competent" by a geriatric psychologist, then back off making decisions for her. You do not need to become an enabler in her difficult behavior patterns. Maybe the best thing to do is to ask everybody in the family to take turns checking in on her daily - phone calls, visits... The goal is to keep mom safe and healthy. Happiness is a personal choice.

Balance caring about mom with caring for yourself and your other relationships. Usually, folks get burnt out when their own needs remain unmet for a long period of time. Make sure to care for yourselves: rest, diet, exercise, time with friends, time with spouse... Your needs are just as important as hers.
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Beatty Nov 2020
That book changed my life.
There are not capital letters big enough to emphasize how much.

It put me back in the driver's seat of my own life - instead of hostage at the back of the crazytown bus.
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Inotable Cameras to be able to check on her whenever you want 24 7.

I installed NEST in my Dad's home. He too had an Alert Necklace but with his dementia, he would push the button to order his breakfast.
Anoway, with the camera, if mom takes a fall, just call the Emergency and the ambulance will go to the home and pick her up Nd it's up to your mom rather she goes to the hospital to get checked out or not.

If you don't want to run over there, leave a key hidden so the EMT can enter the home.

Only you yourself are letting your mother take advantage of you.
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Your Mother can either;

A. Age in Place & accept home help
B. Move into a care setting - AL or NH etc
C. Take a very long cruise
D. Decompose in place: live in filth & squalor

Ask her to try A. first. Tell her she'll be like royalty with her staff to assist her.

Or C. The cruise. You just say your goodbyes & wave her off. (Sorry it's late here & I am tired & silly...)

But seriously, if they don't work, tell her it's choice B as you care too much to see the last one happen.

Sadly reason & judgement declines. Search the forum for Anosognosia (medical term for lack of insight). Start planning for B.
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sorry for the issues. You really can't force anything for her as long as doctors find her competent. the only thing you can do is remind your mom to use her necklace (especially if she tries to get up and can't to use it) because she don't want to lay in pain for a couple days before someone checks on her.  If she still refuses you will either have to keep an eye on her periodically or just tell her the next time she falls due to NOT using the alert device that she won't be coming home.  Now who has POA over her, anyone?  You and your family could get together with an Elder attorney to find out what options you have IF she falls again and would have to go into a rehab place or Assisted living place.  OR you can just tell the other siblings that you can no longer take care and that either they will have to pitch in or they will have to get a care taker to come in a couple times a week to help her.  wishing you luck.
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You will find your mother less teeth-gnashingly frustrating once you take to heart the point that she is not "lying."

What she says is part fantasy and part baloney, I don't doubt it. But she is not intentionally telling falsehoods. There are all kinds of reasons for these taratiddles, which range from giving people what she believes to be the "correct" answer, to being simply unable to process objective, factual information. The ability to sound highly plausible persists long after the person can in fact give an accurate account of events.

So, just to clarify - what was the outcome of her 3 hour lie-down?
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Your mom sounds like my mom. My mom has Alzeheimers. She would lie to herself about what she could and couldn't do. She used tricks to cover up her disease. She would forget she even had the necklace on so she wouldn't push the button. Her geriatric physician gave her what's called a slums test. It's a cognitive test to check her mental ability. This test will tell you a lot. I was shocked to know she could no longer draw a clock with the numbers in the right positions. She couldn't recall the 3 words her dr gave her to remember in 1 minute and she forgot how to cook but lived on turkey dogs. It was either hire someone for help or put her in a memory care home. Mom wanted to stay at home so she really had no choice when my sister hired someone to come in. Do you have poa? The Dr told us we can't force them to do things so it's going to take a catastrophic accident to get her into a facility. I'd hire someone to help her whether she likes it or not.
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My mom had fall protection on her Greatcall alert system. Automatic call to operator.
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Both seniors and their aging children can be in denial about their abilities. My mom insisted for years she shouldn't ever live with her kids but didn't want to be in a NH either. So she insisted she could handle things to keep everyone happy. That's not exactly lying, but it's not your view of things, either. The falls are scary for you, but she's willing to risk them to remain independent. That's her choice, and she's apparently competent enough to choose for herself and to know when people are trying to rein her in. I suspect nobody wants their kids dictating their life if they can possibly help it.
When my mom was about 90, my sister and I split the task of calling mom each morning and night. It was a huge help to us all, ensuring her safety from falls and more, without forcing mom to give up her freedoms. Good luck!
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If your mom is still in the hospital before she is ready to be discharged tell them that it is an "unsafe discharge" that she can not live on her own without assistance.
Tell the Social Worker that she can not manage on her own and you are not available to help her.
If mom is discharged to home one of two things will happen.
1. Next fall will be fatal.
2. Next fall will injure her to the point where she will not be able to go home and she will have to go to a Skilled Nursing Facility.
(Unless you can get a doctor to determine that she is not competent before her discharge. You can then file for Guardianship and place her in Memory Care where she will be cared for in a safe manner)
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"Mother lies to doctor and Social worker about independence". 

So does my relative. I explained it to the social worker as like an iceberg. The tiny tip at the top above the water line was the *independence* part, the huge bulk below the water was *dependant*. But my relative could only see the tip. He thought she didn't know the rest of the iceberg even existed - Doctor later confirmed this with dx of Anasognosia.

But you can see the reality: that your Mother has moved into a dependant stage of life.

An aged care needs assessment will show her true level of needs. Where I live we have a team that specialises in this area. The questions go deeper & they've seen it all before.. Eg:
My relative's answer "yes I cook meals for myself" fell apart quickly.. within 2 mins they knew she could make toast & lived on boxed microwave junk. Same with hygiene, transport, finances.

Then it was accept help or move. Keybox was eventually installed so carer could let themselves in if door not answered.

Now she loves them & looks forward to their visits.
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This exact thing happened with my mom ( she would not use her lifeline) but one day she had a medical emergency that landed her in the hospital and the state stepped in and investigated & determined that she should go to a nursing home and after that she could not go back to her house. Good luck. My prayers are with you.
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Imho, time for facility living for her. Prayers sent.
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She is obviously not entirely competent cognitively.
Send a written letter to her doctor outlining (without emotion) the ways in which she is not able to live alone without support. Give examples. Don't go on and on, simply describe (as you did in this post) her poor judgement and how it impacts her safety. Also state the degree to which you and your husband are physically able to support her. Be clear that physically lifting her is not possible.
The doctor must add your letter to her records and will, if s/he's competent, will address the issue at the next visit. In the meantime - look at your mom's finances. Can she afford to live in a community? If so, shop for one. Choose the best one she can afford.
If mom has no money, the next time she falls (unfortunately, there will be a next time), call 911, be there when they come to get her on her feet, and insist that she go to the ER to be evaluated. At the ER, make it clear to the doctor that your mother has no one at home to help her with ADLs. They cannot release her to an unsafe living environment. They should suggest a rehab stint to try to get her stronger. If they don't, you should. That will get the ball rolling. Once she has professionals evaluating her condition, she will very likely be deemed as unable to live independently. Then comes Medicaid, etc.

Get the ball rolling.
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