This man has been abusive and created much family grief over the years before abandoning my friend. Now he wants to come "home" because he has lung cancer. My friend doesn't have her own home, but lives with a sister who allowed him to be brought in while medical appointments and hospital visits were coordinated.
This man is still verbally abusive although this kindness was given to him. My friend cannot care for him as she has post polio syndrome and is very frail, in her 70s and could not withstand the hardship, nor is her sister willing to let him stay in her home. The man is currently in the hospital receiving treatment. My friend is beside herself with fear that she will be held responsible for any debt or caregiving responsibility. He simply cannot come back to stay with them. He's been living several states away in a van with is now uninhabitable. What can she do to protect herself from this burden? He is not a veteran and has gone through all his money, though he does receive social security. That's it.
When it comes to discharging him both your friend and her sister HAVE to say that they can not care for him. He is not their responsibility. If they are asked to pick him they are to refuse.
I hope your friend did not sign any paperwork indicating that she is responsible in any way for this man.
It will be up to the Social Worker to find a facility for him and work on getting Medicaid started if he already does not have Medicaid.
If she lives under her sister's roof, then that's pretty easy, considering it's not her home in which to invite him, and her sister certainly has no legal obligation to take him in.
Where has he been living all of this time? That's his legal residence, not with his estranged wife. Her mistake was to allow him to come to live with her and her sister in the first place, even for the short term; it has put the idea in his head that she's willing to take him back and nurse him through his illness.
Any calls she gets regarding his future care should just be answered with a simple "He does not live here, he lives (his address); he only stayed with me a short while to coordinate his hospital stay. I don't know what his plans for his after care is; we have been separated for (XXX) years and I have no plans to get back together with him to undertake his care."
But the divorce should go through, to keep any creditors from being able to attach any debt he incurs from his caretaking as "marital debt."
Yas she needs to file for divorce based on abandonment. Might be able to get one of those non profit lawyers to do it for free.
That's right about not letting his mail come to the house. That's counted as residency in most states and they'd have to do an eviction process.
If sister gets any mail with his name on it, she should not open it, but write "Not living at this address, return to sender" and put it back in the mailbox. Wishing you much wisdom and success in getting a final divorce.
Personally I think this situation calls for contacting a divorce attorney immediately for initial advice specifically regarding the discharge, even if she has to pay for it. This would be the most air-tight pathway forward.
I wouldn't tell them that he has overstated his visit and can not come back. He his not her responsibility in any way, shape or form.
Then if he shows up at the door to tell him that he is not welcome and he is trespassing and needs to leave now. If he doesn't call the police.
Hopefully, she has been filling taxes that reflect their separated status. This will be her proof that they were not cohabiting as husband and wife and in fact were separated.
Tell her that she is no longer his doormat and she should not lay down for his abuse. So what he has cancer. He didn't care about her well-being all these years. He walked away from any rights to her help in his hour of need. This is what social services was created for.
I suggest she consult with a lawyer. She may not even need the husbands signature to divorce him since he walked out on her. If money is a problem, then call Office of Aging and see if they have a number for Legal Aid.
Tell friend and Sister do not allow him into the house. If he has personal property there, pack it up and drop it off at the hospital or rehab. Have a receipt ready "I ______ have dropped off all personal belongings to ________ Hospital/rehab for _________ on this date _______. Sign and then have the person receiving the pkg/suitcase sign too. Make sure his name is on the box or tag on his suitcase and a room # if possible.
I personally would not have picked him up. I would have said sorry.
They did a good deed and now maybe punished for it. Your friend owed him nothing.
I know because my mil is an abuser and is still abusing. Her son died and the baby mamma left the two kids with verbally abusive mil and there is nothing any of us can do. Not even cps will do anything to take the kids away.
This pertains to OP because mil has also been given a terminal diagnosis of lung cancer stage 3 with 2 - 5 years to live. She is 74 and still as abusive and narcissistic as they come. Not even impending death has changed this witches spots. She even does chemo and it had no negative effects on her evil ways.
Your friend has to have NOTHING more to do with this man; not even make phone calls on his behalf, because each thing that she does for him just further cements it in everyone's minds that she is willing to take on responsibility for his care taking. If not for her sake, then for her sister's!
To wherewhere you like.
I won't be picking you up.
You can't come to my place.
Number blocked.
End of.
Harsh but fair.
Her sister also has a right to refuse him to move in. If he does push the issue of moving in, she too could file for injunctive relief.
IMHO, injunctions are the most thorough and legal way to keep him away from the sisters.
Most certainly the sister does not have to take this guy in.
If your friend and her sister are letting him stay with them, that's their choice. If they tolerate him being verbally abusive, once again their choice. Neither of them have to do anything for the guy.
If it was me, I wouldn't even have picked him up at the airport.
If I were your friend, I would contact the social worker at the hospital and advise them he can not be discharged to her sister's residence. If they think they will try (as has occasionally occurred) to drop him off, advise them that two calls will be made one to the police depart and the other to the local news station.
Personally, I would have run like a track star the other way and would never have allowed him back but that is me. I don't like getting burned twice.
You are right. If the abandoned wife and SIL start asking questions with social workers that's admitting to having taken some responsibility for him. They shouldn't do it. Once social workers and social services get a bit like that between their teeth, they'll use all the tactics available to them to make these people take him back.
They will promise all kinds of help and support which no one ever gets. They will even make threats about them having a legal responsibility to care for him and how they can get in trouble if they don't.
It's all a big crock and these women should not go asking around with social workers.
Don’t answer his calls and don’t open the door.
Straight up narcissist, who needs it?
Probably see a lawyer advised by the lawyer thinks she could be tied to any of his current/future debts. Maybe officially disolve the marriage or be advised if the length of time can support that.
The guy has no one because he is abusive and now he has to live with his consequences. Harsh but he was harsh. She has a heart and he will take from her again. These situations never go well. The sooner she cuts communication in all ways the better.
Also, I would call the Hospital and tell them that he has no one to care for him and she is not able to and tell the Hospital to make arrangements for a Nursing Home for him.
I really see no problem here. Just say NO. Love it when they are sick and maybe dying and they think the ex should care for them. I have seen many a spouse walk away when things get tough. The law doesn't tell them they have to come back and care for the sick spouse. So I don't see why anyone in their right mind would expect an estranged spouse to do anything.
She does need to file something stating their “relationship”.
At this point, wolflover451 response is correct. She should contact the social worker/ discharge coordinator at the hospital ASAP, explain her situation and tell them she cannot care for him under any circumstances. She should feel NO guilt whatsoever for an abuser who abandoned her. Why she agreed to "pick him up from the airport" in the first place is beyond me. HER sister (with whom she lives) states she is "not willing to let him stay in her home." Case closed. Inform the hospital of that and they will have to find other arrangements for him as he cannot safely be discharged if he cannot care for himself. If he can care for himself, then it's up to him to find a place to stay. Does he have family members on his side? If he's abusive, I doubt they want anything to do with him either. Again, she should consult with a divorce attorney. She should have done that years before when he abandoned her.
Most of all - your friend should see a lawyer to make sure she will be free of any responsibilities to her estranged husband - legal separation and/or divorce.