Abusive client. Was I right to stop working with him?

Sorry but I don't agree that those with dementia don't know right from wrong - they may forget themselves and act out inappropriately but IMO that doesn't give them a free pass. If the client doesn't ever apologize and doesn't ever even try to behave, even briefly, and if the family doesn't apologize on their behalf and at least attempt to call them to task then it's all on them when the caregivers leave.
"Dad! That was mean, I don't accept that kind of language in this house"
turns to caregiver "I'm so sorry"

That is surely not too much to ask.

On the few occasions my husband has been rude to his caregiver,I have jumped in and told him not to speak ugly to her. He will then explain why he had to say what he did, usually because she moved something he thought should be in a different place. After he pouts for several minutes, he will say he's sorry and how much he likes his caregiver.
Dementia or no dementia, I will not tolerate him being ugly to her.
The family could have said something to the person who posted, apologizing for the client's rudeness , if nothing else. It's hard enough to find a kind, efficient, compassionate caregiver without allowing someone to just be hateful.

I agree that you do not have to work with a client if you are not comfortable.

I can't agree that trying to correct the client's behaviour is the right approach. For one thing it's very unlikely to make the slightest difference. For another, this man is in his home, and within legal bounds can speak and act how he pleases - he doesn't have to be "nice" (and you don't have to put up with his not being nice).

We - I say we because I know my co-workers would also do this - try instead to identify and avoid triggers. Our managers warn us in advance if a client is likely to be rude, verbally abusive or inappropriate in language; if there's any risk of anything worse, we work in pairs and are instructed not to enter the property on our own.

And we do see quite a lot of "problem" clients - we can often spot them at a glance, from the three joy-inspiring words "Agency Hand-Back." In all seriousness I see the challenge as one of the advantages of the team I work for. We have three categories of client - Reablement (which is our actual mission, and the majority of our work); Urgent Care (crisis support, which can include end-of-life care, bereavement, life-changing events, caregiver breakdown etc); and the above named Agency Hand-Back, which tends to be a bit of a revolving door situation - we sort a client out, another local provider gets conned or schmoozed into taking him on, three months later back he bounces onto our rounds to universal rejoicing hem-hem, and round we go again.

But there is huge satisfaction to finding approaches that such people can tolerate and are happy with, so that they can then be provided with the support they need in a way that they'll accept.

One lady, who'd bitten my head off for an hour straight, finally said "is it you again tomorrow?" It should have been (it wasn't, as it turned out, which I regret but couldn't help), so I said "it may well be, yes." She said "I suppose I can put up with that." There was a pause. Then she added quietly "if you can put up with me."

I took this as a great compliment, but it also made me sad. This lady was - okay, she was a bit of a monster - but also in pain, not able to mobilise independently, lively-minded but bored, and sick to the back teeth of cack-handed strangers barging into her room and knocking all her books on the floor. YES she would have done better to let us move the books. YES the answer to not knocking over the photo frames might have been not to keep them on the window sill behind her incredibly heavy curtains. YES there are all sorts of handy storage units that would have been much more user-friendly than an 18th century oak press. But at the bottom of her sour temper and uninhibited rudeness was the real grievance that people didn't really try to get it right.

It's almost to late to bother about it, and I stick to my first answer which is that if you're not happy with an assignment you absolutely don't have to accept it; but you say this gentleman has a short fuse, and that today he called you a name (how bad a name? Anything actionable?) when you stepped in to support a transfer. Would you be interested in theory in returning to this family if you could resolve the issue?

I understand how you feel.
However, if he treats the other two caregivers the same way, in my opinion that supports this behavior secondary to his dx of Dementia.
I would assume the family potentially has caregivers to provide respite from the verbal abuse they receive.
Honestly, I don’t feel he’s capable of understanding what he’s saying, let alone the affects it has on others.
In this case, I would agree it’s not possible to change his behavior by asking the family to tell him to be nice, to stop, etc.
If the family has accepted his behavior & knows not to take it personally that’s a big accomplishment secondary to their emotional attachments.
I think you need to hear what the family is telling you & believe it has 0 to do with you.
You didn’t mention what he said or why you took it personally? I don’t mean that to be disrespectful of your feelings or boundaries.

The family is being realistic by stating it won’t help. It would be wasted energy & going backwards if they believed talking to him like he’s lucid will result in change.

In my opinion, you did the right thing. You have a right to cut off a client who is abusive at a level you are unwilling to tolerate. And even if it wouldn’t help to have family speak to him about his behavior, I think it is still important that they do so. My husband is in a wonderful group home now (having just been in a terrible one, so I know the difference and appreciate the good caregivers), and once I was in his room waiting for him to be wheeled in and he had not seen me yet. He started cursing and yelling at the lady who was pushing his chair, just because she gently asked him to lift his feet a little. When he got in that room, I made him apologize to her right away. I also contacted the owner of the facility, told her what happened & apologized to her.

Caregivers like yourself are doing a tremendously tough job and you deserve respect. Even if the client themselves doesn’t change, it is still good for the family to speak up and let the caregiver know that their effort is appreciated.

If you've been working with dementia patients for some time, then you know that just because a family asks their family member "to be nice," doesn't mean that they will remember. That is part of dementia. Wouldn't all of our lives be much easier if our LO's with dementia, would do exactly what what we tell them to do. It doesn't work that way though. You say that you can usually let clients verbal abuse "roll off your back." What was different about this client that you decided you couldn't with him? Just curious.
Yes you have a right to pick and choose who you will have as clients, but if you're wanting just easy clients, then perhaps you need to stay clear of dementia patients as they can be quite unpredictable.

It reads to me that you are most upset by the lack of support from the client’s family. Whether or not some ‘correction’ would change the behavior, you are instead being told that your feelings about it don’t matter. My guess is that you are not getting much positive feedback, from the client or the family, and the money alone is not worth it. If this sounds at all correct, and the family is upset to lose you, perhaps you could talk to them about your treatment generally.

You are the one that decides what behaviour you accept.
If this client does not meet your standards, you are right to drop him.
Don't doubt yourself.
You did the right thing

If you dread going to work everyday. It’s time to quit.

I hope you find a client that isn’t abusive in the future.

Perhaps you could ask questions that would give you a clue to their personality and hope the family doesn’t embellish the truth when they answer your questions.

My husband’s grandmother was a horribly mean woman. She didn’t even have dementia. She was that way her entire life!

She was so mean to my mother in law, her only child that her daughter would have never been interested in having her move into her home after her dad died. She insisted on staying in her large two story house.

She refused going into assisted living. She had loads of money!

So, my mother in law hired two women for daytime and two women for nighttime and paid them each double their normal salary just to keep them!

My mother in law said that it was worth every penny spent!

She still had tons of money left over after she died.

Maybe some people dealing with situations like this will have to end up hiring private care like my mother in law did an pay them lots extra!

Thank you all for your support. Everyone gave me great things to consider. One view was maybe dementia clients aren't the best for me. I considered that today too. I think what bothers me the most is that the family doesn't at say hey dad, that wasn't very nice. A previous client would get angry and insult me, but later say he didn't mean it. I loved him so much and could tell he couldn't control his emotions, but knew his words hurt and was sorry. Maybe not everyone can and we all do have our limits. As I read your responses, I have so much empathy for the many family caregivers who endure this and can't/dont want to walk away. Much love. Oh, i didn't say what he said because it doesn't really matter. It was a trigger for me due to past abuse and that's on me. But it was and always was with him a put down.