Am I the only caregiver who often feels angry and frustrated with the "role" of Caregiver I've been delegated?

I took care of my Mother until her death and now live with my 86-year-old Cousin. My Cousin remains independent, but is very stubborn, has hearing issues, and her memory is going. I OFTEN feel frustrated, and lose my patience. I feel guilty if we have an argument. She doesn't understand me or the world we live in. She is better off than most financially and worries about money constantly. I try and be a good Cousin, but it isn't easy, I often dream of living by myself with a dog and doing what I want to do. I work full time and she doesn't even like it if I sleep in on the weekends. Chores must be done!

If you need a friend I am here. I do understand.

Never feel bad about your feelings. Feelings are just feelings. You can't control them. Go easy on yourself.

Kelley

Yes. Get mom placed in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility and then you'll get to be a daughter again instead of an angry, frustrated and burned out caregiver. I never could have cohabitated with my mother again in her old age, so I let her and dad know from the get-go that we wouldn't be. They started out in independent living, then moved into Assisted Living, then mom moved to Memory Care when her dementia and mobility issues got bad enough. Things worked out much better for both of us that way.

If mom has no funds for Memory Care Assisted Living, look into Medicaid for Skilled Nursing. You deserve a life of your own, and she deserves peace and tranquility also. Had mom been living with me, I have no doubt I'd have been losing my cool ALL the time. Between her dementia and personality disorders, fuggedaboutit.

Best of luck.

First, your mom may have comprehension issues, not just a hearing impairment.

Second, you are under no obligation to be your mother's hands-on caregiver (or even a remote PoA). It won't get better, only more and more intense, demanding, stressful and frustrating as she declines. You are in control of whether you continue down this path or turn off. You just have to be at peace with the other options for her.

Caregiving is rough! I don't enjoy it. Mom moved in with me and hubby 7 years and I had NO idea what I was getting myself into. Hindsight being 20/20, I NEVER would have done this, no way.

Now I have aides coming in 5 days a week for 5 hours to do her morning routine with her and pay attention to her, etc. THIS is how you keep your sanity. You stop being her everything cuz it's a thankless and frustrating job. You deserve your own time and space. Hire someone else to do a bunch of the stuff she has dumped on your lap. Nope. Start getting out of the house and living YOUR life, not hers.

She won't like it but too bad. Remember, YOU don't like how things are now so something has to give.

Good luck.

Quit?

Seriously though, have you ever quit a job before?

Or maybe this job is want you DO want to do. Because it pays well, in financial, personal or emotional rewards.

PS Being "delegated" is one word to use, one way to look at it. Another word/way would be 'volunteered'.

I am perplexed as to why you are her caregiver. Why can't you be like your two sisters and NOT be her caregiver? What's stopping you?

Laurpar, write down on paper a list of all the things you do for your Mom. Now, cross out half of the items, items you feel can be done by someone else even if Mom has to pay someone. Now cross out a couple more line items.

Stick to the list of remaining items. Believe me, your Mom will notice that half of things she wants done are not being done. But you will start feeling better.

Practice saying "I can't possibly do that" over and over until it feel comfortable to say.

It's a start.

I am the same way

I didn't sign up for this

Me and my brother have our own lives to live and taking care of our mom is hindering that!

Find a place. Insist she go there. Take her nice wardrobe and install it in the closet. Tell her she’s going to love living there - very loudly - and explain nothing. Of course you’ll go on handling her banking and maybe call her three times a week. You wrote,  “I worked very hard at stressful jobs for 40 plus years. This is my reward?” Well, those two things aren’t in the same file cabinet. Working stressful jobs etc. is in one cabinet, and your reward is in the other. You set fire to the reward files as soon as you started taking care of mom. Put out the fire, ditch mom, and you still get your reward. Which is to be free of a burden that she dumped on you and you don’t deserve. Of course you are angry. Just be sure that you’re not angry with yourself.

Hi, I stopped explaining. Just set some boundaries and do your own thing. For example, what did you want to do in retirement? Say it’s sewing. Set up your area in another room and schedule time for yourself and just do it. Mom will suck you in full time. And here’s the deal; she will suck you in when she’s at a home and sometimes that’s more work. And that may be a long term goal, but you need a quick fix. Get your mind on you and plan your day accordingly. I find when I leave my mom alone for awhile, she will push to do more for herself. My mom just got home from rehab and she’s 90. The PT guys pushed her and she was better off. Also, force a schedule. Not easy, but I’m trying and it helps.

I’ve been there I never got along with my parents. No one says you need to care for her. Tell her to hire a caregiver and live your life. Your post indicates all the problems are yours so don’t make them your problems. Let it go.

Don’t get STUCK. Historically caregiving was women’ s work: menial & unpaid. My mother’s generation expected all of that only from daughters, not sons. That being said, you are a good son & sibling for stepping up. But don’t get stepped on. Assess what you can do, reasonably & without turning your life into turmoil: let Mom & siblings know your boundaries & what you plan to do. Sisters either step up or you hire outside help. Expecting everything from just one child is not fair &, in the long run, just won’t work.
I’ve been there: don’t take on more than you can handle.

One big problem is YOU ARE ENABLING HER STOP IT. If you were not there what would she do? That is what you have to ask yourself. This is what I tell my mother who thinks she has to live her son's life. WHAT IF YOU WEREN'T THERE. They would find a way believe me. She could go into a place where there is assisted living and have a memory care unit there when it gets bad with the dementia.

You need to do what your other sister is doing NOT DOING ANYTHING. Live your life the way you want to live it. Life is priceless and if you aren't doing anything about it you will be in the same boat as she is.

Are you POA of her if not then do what you want let her pay for someone else to come in and do things for her. Are you getting paid for this?

There is NO GUILT in this matter don't go there do what you can then go live your life.

Prayers that you find yourself and that your mother is in a place that can take care of her.

I've been there with my mother who had bipolar and several health problems. I worked remotely with family advice for a few years until her care level got too high for me to handle anymore. Finally Mom was moved to a facility after several fall injuries. I also had to return to employment.

Turn your anger into action towards CHANGE.

Re-look at EVERYTHiNG through a lens of common sense.

Eg If Mom has Dementia, - should she have access to the majority of her funds? No. Maybe just a little treat money.

If she is at risk of fraudsters, this trying to meet men via the computer - should she have computer access? No, or at least supervised.

If Mom cannot arrange her care, should she be in charge of hers & your weekly calender? No.

Look at what she can do safely independantly.
Look at where she needs supervision.
Look at what needs to be taken away.

Most of it seem to be just 2 issues imho.

ADAPT to how Mom now is & what she now needs.

Learn to say NO.

Stop enabling her shopping. Don’t take her and she won’t waste the money. She will be angry at first - then she will have to give in.

Take away the internet from her. Change the password.

Invest in tablets of paper - start writing to each other if she can’t hear.

You need to have the strength to make changes and manage both of your routines.

Good Morning,

First of all it's good that you are aware of this and on this forum to pick and choose what you think will benefit your situation.

At first glance I thought about your mother's finances--you have to protect the elderly from scams, frauds, telephone calls that the grandchildren need $ also a scam to bail him out. People do these things unfortunately.

What took your parent(s) their whole to save up some swindler could take in 5 minutes flat. Secure her funds; take away the keyboard on the computer if you have to and replace the "online friends" which actual people--neighbors, Church,
family, etc.

Your story is not isolated about the siblings not pitching in. It's a broken record after a while. I don't even say it any more instead I get my hair colored, eat right, work evenings' remotely so I won't be in the poor house in my old age, keep good credit, am well read (library card), have the Church people in every Sunday to bring Communion and bought a violin.

Now, I realize we just got out of a Pandemic. Life was/is different. As I write this my mother is getting dressed and going to her "Tuesday Morning With Dementia Friends" for (4) hours. I drop her off and pick her up. I, in hand, fill her pillbox, and go to an indoor pool.

The respite provides continental breakfast, hot lunch, with her health insurance Physical and Speech Therapy. An RN is on hand--they take Mom's blood pressure, vitals, etc. and they plant, bake, exercise and it's basically a lot like high school.

These (4) hours I can get things done, exercise with neighbors and have peace of mind. There is fee for the facility and some do offer transportation.

Keep in mind--upon admission for this program, the respite staff asked me, "do you have a plan in place, should something happen to you."

Right now in all honesty I am solo with all of this. I bring in services and know Mom's insurance by the back of her hand. You have to find a place in the neighborhood where she is supervised and you can go to the hairdressers, the Y, cafe, library, whatever.

I had the most beautiful childhood (2) great parents. It's hard enough doing this (caregiving) when you love the people but even harder if you are not in the best of circumstances.

Call on the troops, whatever you can get delivered, deliver. Buy flowers every week at the market, hire someone to clean, outsource everything. You can't keep this up.

I hope this helped. You are not alone in this and there are a lot of services out there. Mom may not like it but it's necessary so when all of this is said and done you are still standing in once piece.

Amen Sister...

If she lived in an assisted living or memory facility, think of all the men she could be meeting. She wouldn't even need the internet. In my parent's AL there were a bunch of single men. Seriously, since she seems to be a very social person, she might be very happy in a place with people her own age.

This isn't your job. I have no intention of either of my children "taking care" of me. That's on me to plan for myself. If I get dementia, they can place me in a facility and not even think about us living together or them taking care of me in some way. Please stop thinking of providing her care as your job. You are entitled to your own life. I get why you're angry. I am not build for caregiving and I was angry too while I did it for a short time. Having bad parents makes it even worse. Please start looking for a way out. This is the only life you get.

I ended up moving out (was living with 2 parents)…got my own apt nearby. I was losing my mind. 3 months later they decided to go to a facility. Which meant I was in charge of cleaning out the house and selling it.

I still am called upon as their personal Uber driver. The latest was 1 AM when he was coming back from a trip to the ER…because he didn’t want to take the transport that was being provided.

i continue to take care of the bills and most of the personal shopping items. (My sister—who got to keep her job—shops for clothes for them. And does come to take them out for dinner.)

I am only 10 min from the facility but find it really hard to visit. They have everything they need and yet the complaining will never cease.

I spent my first few years of post retirement oversees in a developing country doing what I love. My sister insisted I needed to come home (which meant giving up my PAID dream job). I foolishly gave into the guilt. Not to mention they didn’t like me living with them. They acted as if I was using them for my housing needs! (I actually overheard my mom tell her sister this! My dad later divulged he thought I had been fired from my overseas job! …I have NEVER been fired from ANY job…and have always been celebrated for my contributions! This job was no different!). After my horrible unwelcome arrival…the pandemic hit!! It was after things opened up a bit is when I moved out.

Moving out was the best decision…but the responsibilities are still here. I am “stuck”. I just can’t seem to move in any direction. I just exist. I don’t have the energy to make any changes.

I fight against feelings of resentment and anger. I know I have “choices” and can make different decisions. It just seems I’m just too tired to make them.

All this to say you aren’t alone.

Your question is, “Any advise to keep my sanity?”

Your mother apparently hasn’t come to terms with either her age or romantic prospects. Your description of her habits makes her sound like an overgrown teenager who derived her validation by being admired and pursued by men and plenty of them. You made the decision to move in with her and now you have no privacy and are at her beck and call for things that don’t sound like hands on personal care. It also sounds like you mother has enough disposable income to waste her resources on frivolous purchases she makes herself either personally in your presence or over the Internet. You used to enjoy her company but now you don’t because she can’t hear and is a narcissist. It also sounds like your sisters took the measure of her long ago and either refuse to put up with her entirely or provide a little help, perhaps out of concern for you, not her. Were you perhaps her favorite child, thought you could handle her and that’s why you agreed to move in?

Despite her “moderate dementia,” I don’t think your mother would allow herself to be placed out of her home just yet, It sounds like she is still calling all the shots in “her” home. But I don’t see you actually moving out and abandoning your mother.

Make a list of all the things your mother does that annoy and frustrate you. If you hate to garden, tell her she must purchase a lawn service, find one, and stop doing it. Refuse delivery of all internet purchases and remove her computer or phone access if necessary, Make a shopping schedule and stick to it. Make the situation tolerable by taking charge of the household until she really does need placement. Tell her frankly but lovingly that you can no longer live with her if she does not comply. If she doubts and tests you, see if you can move in with your sister or a friend for a couple of weeks until she gets the message. In the meantime, spend as much time as you can with your own friends and invite them over. Your mother needs to visibly observe that she is not the center of your world. You might find that can get your mother’s ditsy behavior under better control if you withdraw from any task she can do herself that does not involve spending money or using you as a chauffeur. Start giving her assignments of things you expect her to do for you that are manageable and safe. To keep your sanity, you must take control and mean to what you say. She will soon require much more care than you can provide.

How were you delegated?

I have a similar situation. I also feel angry, resentful and overwhelmed with this responsibility. I have no sibs. My mother is similar to yours. You are definitely not alone. I am trying to get away at least once a week for an overnight or whole day. Let the caregivers handle it. Trying not to expect her support and ignore her real or imagined helplessness and manipulations to keep me engaged in decades old frustrations and pity party. As much as I have read and learned and healed myself, I still sometimes realize I am wanting her validation or approval. I am working on healing that and giving those things to myself. My best to you. You are not alone.

NO you're not. I feel angry almost every day and as soon as something angry is out of my mouth I ask God to forgive me and help me get through it. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I just try to remind myself that I'm dealing with someone who is sick and can't help what they say nor do. It's hard but I have to keep my strength up and do it. I have found sitting in my chair playing bingo or paint by numbers on my table actually helps. I don't have to concentrate that much but can still be alert to what's going on. I know that might sound crazy but it does help.

Reading your situation and history; if you weren't angry and frustrated, then I would consider you to have issues. I am in much the same situation and daily feel abused by the rest of the family.

never think you are the only one. Of course that’s exactly how I’m feeling today. When you open a cabinet as usual and think I’ll just get my water gas out. But see your water glass along side many other types of drink holders and knives etc on those shelves it is such an awaken that this is the future. I scream inside and cry outside . I can’t hide the tears.😥

Well first you volunteered to be used by the entire family. You have to ask yourself why you took that role on? Why you do whatever your told? Why you do your mother's bidding every time. You don't have to. You can say no. Or later, or not today.
I wouldn't spend time screaming because someone can't hear. Too bad. Get a note pad and write small answers. You'll give yourself a headache, and strain your voice.
I would tell the family I'm done. She needs more help than you can give. But you made it easy for the rest of the family. They won't want things to change.
YOU have to change. You have to ask yourself why you are a doormat, and a martyr. Your getting something out of it. Your siblings aren't martyrs. Only you can get a backbone and say enough.

https://lonerwolf.com/martyr-complex-symptoms/

Oh, how I feel for you. You have EVERY right to be angry, mad, annoyed, etc...especially with two other siblings who seem to have decided you alone get to be the caretaker. That is incredibly selfish of them. But I get it. I am in the same boat. You need to have a life, and you deserve to. Is there any way you can put Mom in a nice home? Is the money there? You have done enough and especially if she was not a great mother to you. No guilt, no shame, no obligations...You seem to have gone above and beyond to care for her, and now it's time to stop and get back to your own life before it is gone. Find a way to get mom into a nice place and tell your two siblings they are being selfish. I am sorry, but being nice just doesn't cut it here.

OMG, this is me with my disabled person. Please help me. He has had constant diarheia and i have to pick it all up cuz he refused to ware a diaper. I have no life. I fix all his meals, make appts, clean etc. He has a failing kidney and must go to dialysis. I am now seeing a therapist to help with stress. I have one a "well off financially" younger sister who does nothing, she doesn't even visit him. There are no other family memebers to help. I am 68 years old, this is not how i want to retire.

You have not been delegated, but rather manipulated. Getting a Geriatric Psychiatrist to evaluate mom for placement might be a good first step and then calling a service like, "A Place for Mom" or the care advisor on this website would be a great second step.

Hiring an Elder Law Attorney to meet with you and your sisters would give each of you an opportunity to care for your mom from a distance, but as a group.

When all is settled and you move into your own space, then consider a therapist for yourself, so that you can work through issues of neglect and maybe even abandonment. You don't have to continue a living in confinement with a narcissist..........you have options!

Hello, no, you're not alone! I am angry for pretty much the same reasons you are. I do have help from my younger sister, however we have a third sibling who lives on the same property who for his own issues which is severe anxiety, wont seek treatment..he could possibly be a willing participant in our family but he chooses not to. My younger sister is more of a daily living assistant for half the week and the other half its me, however, I'm the only one managing finances, medical appointments,legal stuff, dmv, bills, calling all these God forsaken agencies and having to deal with automated phone calls that never answer your question, hardly ever allow you to speak to a living person, or have you on hold for 2 hours and then drop the call, etc 😡. It's just a huge fiasco over here. We are dealing with both of my parents, my mother has dementia and is extremely stubborn and will not take a shower even though being obviously filthy. She is not that far gone that she doesn't know what's going on, she can have a conversation with you about the weather, about growing plants, about her old job, about maintenance of a car, taking care of a garden, deep spiritual convos (at least for a few minutes) etc but when you say mom, it's time to take a shower, your clothes are dirty and there's food stuck all over your shirt and your pants are changing colors from the reaction between the Sun and your sweat, she says, "I'm not going to live under your thumb!", I'm like lady, if you were living under my thumb, you would have a shower three times a week! I understand the brain shrinks and yada yada yada when people have dementia, however, that realization does not help the situation AT ALL. Things don't just magically get better because you know and understand the reason why a behavior is happening. The situation is still just as difficult for those of us that have to manage and take care of people. I don't know what to do about it because there is no way to force her to take a shower and that's come from professional caretakers.

My 80-year-old father who recently went downhill and we are noticing some cognitive deficits now and who has been the controller of everything/the estate, has bathroom issues, wont shower, is loud because he cannot hear, but actually he's loud anyway because he gets angry very easy and his way of dealing with things is to yell and raise his voice at everyone, and when I've confronted him about this he denied screaming and yelling at me throughout childhood😑 All my friends that I'm still friends with since high school laugh at this because they remember being terrified of him and running and hiding when he would come home from work or we would have to cross paths with him otherwise. My best friend from high school whos now a PHD in psychology remembers being in my room and him kicking the door open and yelling and screaming at us and blaming me who was 15 at the time for my younger sisters anger management issues...my sis was nine at that time and was diagnosed with ADHD so not really sure what responsibility I had as far as her anger management issues go, but whatever. There's a whole bunch of other stuff left over from childhood, as is the case with a lot of us here and now I'm supposed to be caregiving when I don't have the personality or the mental ability to be in this position. My hard wiring is screwed up and thats been the case for my whole life.. I am not a nurturer unless you are a plant or an animal...Kids love me and I don't know why. But I am not the person to be in this situation with my elderly parents, but I am the oldest, the only girl, and there's no one else in my family who thinks well enough that can do the management that I am doing so I'm basically trapped and that feeling trapped alone causes a lot of stress, so I feel you! We do have some caretakers that come in Monday through Friday for different amounts of time, however it doesn't really do much for my situation. I hope you find relief!