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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Who's lonely? Your mother who's living in AL? With all the people living there and activities to occupy her, loneliness should not be an issue. Depression and anxiety can be managed with medication, so her PCP needs to get involved to prescribe her something. Once she's feeling better, ask the Activities Director at the AL to knock on mom's door daily and invite her to social events.
I’m sorry that your mom is experiencing loneliness.
Loneliness is not uncommon for the elderly. So many of their friends and relatives have died.
Loneliness is often the number one reason for depression in seniors. I saw my mother go through this. She lived to be 95.
My mother outlived my father by several years. She missed him terribly. She loved me but I knew that I couldn’t ever be a substitute for my dad, not that she ever expected me to be a replacement for my father.
It’s a real situation and difficult for many people. Even if they are surrounded by others, they miss the people who they loved the most in their lives. We are all different. Some people are able to move on and adjust more easily.
I hope that things will improve for you and your family soon. It’s hard for you too because we don’t always know what to do to help.
You can try to introduce her to new things. Possibly ask others to encourage her to be more social. If she is depressed, you might want to address that first.
Has the doctor addressed your mother’s depression and anxiety ? I’m sorry that she is not happy . It’s also difficult for you to deal with . Is she refusing to talk to other residents ? My father in law did that for a long time . He said he “ didn’t belong there with old people “. Do not visit everyday , maybe then your Mom will go to activities or talk to other residents and make some friends.
Definitely sounds more like a depression issue than loneliness issue for sure. Is your mother being treated for her depression? If not I would start there. And if she is already being treated for her depression, her medications may need to be tweaked or changed. Then like already said just make sure that she's being encouraged to participate in all the many activities most AL have going on year round.
Let's speak honestly here. Being old sucks. I was a supervisor in a very nice AL for some time. There were activities galore going on in that place and still lots of lonely and depressed residents. The activity director and her staff tried their best and they were nice people. Often the activities were ridiculous and more suited to preschool-aged children. What do the activities look like where your mother is?
I think encouraging a person to be honest and open up about their loneliness and listening helps too.
This kind of listening is different than being an attentive ear for someone's complaining, negativity, and misery spreading. Don't give that any attention. Let them wallow in it.
I mean listening and encouraging them to talk about their memories and the people they loved.
Many times old people especially ones that have been placed, are content to live in the past rather than looking forward to the future. At their age they know there really isn't any future to look forward to.
What things does your mother enjoy? Does she like to eat out? Or go shopping? Or go to movies?
Sometimes an older person does better with a paid one-on-one companion who takes them out places and spends time with them then they do in group activities. Would it be possible to hire a private companion a few hours a few hours a week or her? Getting out of the facility a bit (if she's able to) might be just the thing.
You’re so right about older people visiting their past. It’s a time when most people will reflect back on their lives. Reflecting is different from living in the past.
I grew up listening to grandpa’s classical music and grandma’s jazz in their home. They lived harmoniously together.
We are building our lives when we are young. When we grow old, we have lived most of our lives. It’s common for people to remember how things were ‘back in the day.’
I adored when my grandmother would share her stories with me. I loved how she listened to jazz music in the 20’s when others were still listening to classical music.
Jazz was considered to be rebellious at that time. I giggled when she told me about hemlines going shorter and hair being bobbed.
My grandmother was the sweetest person ever but she was always in favor of justice for everyone.
I learned so much from my grandmother’s stories. She didn’t sugarcoat anything! It’s fun to hear about their earlier experiences in life.
So much depends upon your health and ability to get "out there". And also whether or not you are 24/7 care for someone and can or cannot leave. If health is good and you can get away then consider a few things below. (I am such an introverted loner that I would be the last to ask, actually, as I go out of my way to avoid people, ha ha, so I hope others have ideas for you as well.
But some ideas. If you are a person of Faith do join a church. Best community can be had there, and so many ways to volunteer and be active (if you are able to do so). My own library has a ton of stuff. Saturday Movies, tech for seniors help, knitting classes and get togethers, and so on. They list them in the monthly bulletin. You might consider volunteering to visit senior homes. Nursing Homes. ALFs. They have the BEST stories out there. Ask at your senior centers what they have available and consider a call to your local council on aging.
I wish you lots of luck. If you love thrift shops as I do consider volunteering to stock shelves and etc. Be first to the finds!
There is also seasonal depression. Special lamps, a walk, even going for coffee or calling friends, family. Exercise. Escapism reading. Everybody is affected somewhat with colder, shorter days. Learning to be alone is different than being lonely. I am so happy to be on my own, sitting in my sunny den and do reading, then again I like company as well.
This is not the same as social / human interaction. Although it certainly can or could compliment socializing / socialization activities / interactions.
Who is lonely and anxious? Is it you as a caregiver or someone you are taking care of? Either way, it helps to engage in some activities to escape from those feelings. Whether you or your loved one is a social person and would benefit from being around more people or more private will determine what actions and activities might help with loneliness and anxiety. Exercise has great benefits even if it just taking a walk or doing “chair exercises.” Visits, trips outside the facility, if possible, trying a new activity are all possible mood breakers. If it is you who are lonely, journaling can provide a caregiver with way to vent without burdening other people who may not understand anyway. Reading books or articles you enjoy can be a pleasant escape from dark feelings. Any hobby you like whether you are good at it or not. Joining clubs, attending church if you are interested, jointing a local caregiver’s group, etc are all ways to get a break from loneliness. Fresh air - sunshine - better lighting in your house can make a difference. What I don’t recommend is leaning too much on social media. It can be helpful but is no substitute for the things suggested above.
When all is said and done, as a senior myself, caregiver past and present, I think the important thing is simply showing concern and willingness to help. It’s all true. Our future is only downhill, and whatever you do will be temporary and won’t change that. But the knowing we’re important to someone like you (or my daughter) means everything. YOUR attitude and actions show that her quality of life is important because you’re available, present and proactive. You may not think you’ve made change, but each time you visit, listen or try to help communicates love and validation. It makes a difference, whether or not you see it, and is the most important thing you can give. We need to matter and only our loved ones can show us we do.
Yes: 1. Be active. 2. Take control of the situation by doing something. 3. Reach out to others (church, neighbors, networks) 4. Find out what activities / groups are available in your area. 5. Develop or find hobbies. 6. Call old / new friends and / or family. 7. Contact volunteer organizations for a home / friendly visit. 8. Contact / go to the library. See what is available. 9. Volunteer YOURSELF. The best way to feel included is to 'give' of yourself to others.
This is 'easy' to do if a person wants to do it. It takes action.
My mom had moderate dementia and is in AL and is lonely and depressed. On an anti-depressant. I'll talk to her doc about it but she's just not happy. At 80 years old, with pain and dementia, it is hard for her to connect to people. She does pretty well at going out to her meals and liking her meal companions, but other than that, pretty much sits in her room and watches TV. I don't think there's much to be done about it.
My mother always had jobs to do around the house, washing dishes by hand, sewing buttons on shirts, folding laundry. Now that she’s in care I bring small jobs for her to do. Spoons that need polishing, cups with tea stains, sewing jobs, and she really puts her heart and soul into the tasks I bring. It gives structure to her day and she feels good about herself. Small things like this may help a person who is feeling down. Just a thought. I wish you well.
I agree with jemleming and the importance of exercise for both parties. Can you have the PCP write an order for physical therapy. Usually the physical therapist will give handouts with exercises to do afterwards.
Everyone needs to move around, fresh air, nature along with breaking bread with others. We are made for one another.
Sorry to learn about your mother's situation. After losing a close relative or friend, depression can be an issue. Medication for anxiety and depression may be prescribed by her doctor. Perhaps a social worker can provide therapy and move your mother forward to activities that she may like.
This is about ‘activity’ that might lead to contact with other people. I’ve been enjoying doing a 10 minute balance exercise routine. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9xsYEzYNrE
Balance is extra good for older people, and this video is particularly good and safe. As a bonus, you get to hear a broad Aussie accent, and get told ‘you’re doing a great job’ many many times – I think he got told that he had to keep the audio going.
Any activity is a change from just feeling miserable, and the AL place might make it one of their group activities. At just 10 minutes, it could run on a TV screen in a common area, and be optional for anyone who wanted to join in. Then there would be company involved as well. Not perhaps the obvious approach, but worth a try?
My mom had many friends when she was younger. I saw many photos of my mom and her sister with friends. They did lots of things together.
When my mother got married, she threw herself into being a wife and mother. It seemed like she forgot about herself and focused all of her attention on everyone else.
I often think about what their lives were really like. That generation didn’t plan careers as much as our generation did. They became isolated within their own family. Sometimes I think the ‘good old days’ weren’t all they were cracked up to be.
I tried getting my mom to go to the senior center near our house. She wouldn’t go. I even offered to go with her so she could meet new people and make friends. Mom was friendly with my friends that visited but I wanted her to have companions who were her age too.
Some churches have social activities. The Catholic Church isn’t as social. They have become better than they were in the past. Now they have ‘senior citizens groups’ that meet for activities. I don’t think my mom would have joined in though.
Some people are content with their own company and I wouldn’t be concerned about those people. It is very sad for people who crave companionship and for whatever reason they don’t have others in their lives. The same could be said for all age groups.
Older people have to make an effort. Communities have to make an effort too.
Very often I think about how I should volunteer at nearby nursing homes. My children would sing Christmas carols with their preschool at the nursing homes. It was precious. Some of the residents would hug my daughters so tight.
My impression is that she's talking about her loneliness as a caregiver.
I'm writing something on this but I can tell you, as someone who has had the paradigm flipped on them, being alone in this game can put you into a terrifying position. The elderly person sucks up your life, a life changing illness comes along, and you've got almost nothing. I promise I'll get back to loneliness.
In my case, I have fewer support needs than my father had, or has, but everyone looks at me like "why aren't you paying for services", when he's worth twice what I am.
This is just to make a point, but it must be terrifying for many of the elderly to sit there knowing it's done and all that's left is dying, if they're still conscious of it. The way that feeling comes along, and the other BS that comes with it is awful.
What I'm getting at though, is sitting there, caring for someone, being alone, if so, should be terrifying to you, and to us as a culture. I don't know what the answer is, would I go back and help my father after my mother died or should I have just left, found somewhere fun and lived my life, in peace, away from it all.
I don't know, but now I have a terminable disease, treatable to a point, and I'm still not free of my father.
sunshiner555: The life of a caregiver CAN be lonely, anxiety ridden and you may feel underappreciated. As your profile states that you are providing care for your mother, I understand how difficult that can be. You've come to the right place for support as we are a group of active and past caregivers. Be good to yourself and come back often. Hugs.
Or if it is your mother who is experiencing this, I am sorry. Perhaps she can get medication for her depression.
As others have asked, is it you thats lonely and anxious. First, reach out for professional guidance. Anxiety is a symptom of depression. There are some online apps like BetterHelp that are great and offer sliding fees of thats a concern. Second, are you involved in something outside of caregiving that gives you a sense of purpose? Like work or community involvement? That can be very grounding. But first, please search for professional guidance. Big hugs and know that you are not alone.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Good luck to you
Loneliness is not uncommon for the elderly. So many of their friends and relatives have died.
Loneliness is often the number one reason for depression in seniors. I saw my mother go through this. She lived to be 95.
My mother outlived my father by several years. She missed him terribly. She loved me but I knew that I couldn’t ever be a substitute for my dad, not that she ever expected me to be a replacement for my father.
It’s a real situation and difficult for many people. Even if they are surrounded by others, they miss the people who they loved the most in their lives. We are all different. Some people are able to move on and adjust more easily.
I hope that things will improve for you and your family soon. It’s hard for you too because we don’t always know what to do to help.
You can try to introduce her to new things. Possibly ask others to encourage her to be more social. If she is depressed, you might want to address that first.
I’m sorry that she is not happy . It’s also difficult for you to deal with . Is she refusing to talk to other residents ? My father in law did that for a long time . He said he “ didn’t belong there with old people “.
Do not visit everyday , maybe then your Mom will go to activities or talk to other residents and make some friends.
Is your mother being treated for her depression? If not I would start there.
And if she is already being treated for her depression, her medications may need to be tweaked or changed.
Then like already said just make sure that she's being encouraged to participate in all the many activities most AL have going on year round.
I think encouraging a person to be honest and open up about their loneliness and listening helps too.
This kind of listening is different than being an attentive ear for someone's complaining, negativity, and misery spreading. Don't give that any attention. Let them wallow in it.
I mean listening and encouraging them to talk about their memories and the people they loved.
Many times old people especially ones that have been placed, are content to live in the past rather than looking forward to the future. At their age they know there really isn't any future to look forward to.
What things does your mother enjoy? Does she like to eat out? Or go shopping? Or go to movies?
Sometimes an older person does better with a paid one-on-one companion who takes them out places and spends time with them then they do in group activities.
Would it be possible to hire a private companion a few hours a few hours a week or her?
Getting out of the facility a bit (if she's able to) might be just the thing.
I grew up listening to grandpa’s classical music and grandma’s jazz in their home. They lived harmoniously together.
We are building our lives when we are young. When we grow old, we have lived most of our lives. It’s common for people to remember how things were ‘back in the day.’
I adored when my grandmother would share her stories with me. I loved how she listened to jazz music in the 20’s when others were still listening to classical music.
Jazz was considered to be rebellious at that time. I giggled when she told me about hemlines going shorter and hair being bobbed.
My grandmother was the sweetest person ever but she was always in favor of justice for everyone.
I learned so much from my grandmother’s stories. She didn’t sugarcoat anything! It’s fun to hear about their earlier experiences in life.
But some ideas. If you are a person of Faith do join a church. Best community can be had there, and so many ways to volunteer and be active (if you are able to do so).
My own library has a ton of stuff. Saturday Movies, tech for seniors help, knitting classes and get togethers, and so on. They list them in the monthly bulletin.
You might consider volunteering to visit senior homes. Nursing Homes. ALFs. They have the BEST stories out there.
Ask at your senior centers what they have available and consider a call to your local council on aging.
I wish you lots of luck. If you love thrift shops as I do consider volunteering to stock shelves and etc. Be first to the finds!
Special lamps, a walk, even going for coffee or calling friends, family. Exercise. Escapism reading.
Everybody is affected somewhat with colder, shorter days.
Learning to be alone is different than being lonely.
I am so happy to be on my own, sitting in my sunny den and do reading, then again I like company as well.
YouTube has some great long-running pleasant videos
Apple, Spotify, and Amazon Music have music in her genre on demand or a schedule with a voice assistant.
Audible books can read aloud books to her through Alexa
Although it certainly can or could compliment socializing / socialization activities / interactions.
1. Be active.
2. Take control of the situation by doing something.
3. Reach out to others (church, neighbors, networks)
4. Find out what activities / groups are available in your area.
5. Develop or find hobbies.
6. Call old / new friends and / or family.
7. Contact volunteer organizations for a home / friendly visit.
8. Contact / go to the library. See what is available.
9. Volunteer YOURSELF. The best way to feel included is to 'give' of yourself to others.
This is 'easy' to do if a person wants to do it.
It takes action.
Gena / Touch Matters
I agree with jemleming and the importance of exercise for both parties. Can you have the PCP write an order for physical therapy. Usually the physical therapist will give handouts with exercises to do afterwards.
Everyone needs to move around, fresh air, nature along with breaking bread with others. We are made for one another.
Happy New Year!
Ireland
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9xsYEzYNrE
Balance is extra good for older people, and this video is particularly good and safe. As a bonus, you get to hear a broad Aussie accent, and get told ‘you’re doing a great job’ many many times – I think he got told that he had to keep the audio going.
Any activity is a change from just feeling miserable, and the AL place might make it one of their group activities. At just 10 minutes, it could run on a TV screen in a common area, and be optional for anyone who wanted to join in. Then there would be company involved as well. Not perhaps the obvious approach, but worth a try?
When my mother got married, she threw herself into being a wife and mother. It seemed like she forgot about herself and focused all of her attention on everyone else.
I often think about what their lives were really like. That generation didn’t plan careers as much as our generation did. They became isolated within their own family. Sometimes I think the ‘good old days’ weren’t all they were cracked up to be.
I tried getting my mom to go to the senior center near our house. She wouldn’t go. I even offered to go with her so she could meet new people and make friends. Mom was friendly with my friends that visited but I wanted her to have companions who were her age too.
Some churches have social activities. The Catholic Church isn’t as social. They have become better than they were in the past. Now they have ‘senior citizens groups’ that meet for activities. I don’t think my mom would have joined in though.
Some people are content with their own company and I wouldn’t be concerned about those people. It is very sad for people who crave companionship and for whatever reason they don’t have others in their lives. The same could be said for all age groups.
Older people have to make an effort. Communities have to make an effort too.
Very often I think about how I should volunteer at nearby nursing homes. My children would sing Christmas carols with their preschool at the nursing homes. It was precious. Some of the residents would hug my daughters so tight.
So much of loneliness is due to isolation.
I'm writing something on this but I can tell you, as someone who has had the paradigm flipped on them, being alone in this game can put you into a terrifying position. The elderly person sucks up your life, a life changing illness comes along, and you've got almost nothing. I promise I'll get back to loneliness.
In my case, I have fewer support needs than my father had, or has, but everyone looks at me like "why aren't you paying for services", when he's worth twice what I am.
This is just to make a point, but it must be terrifying for many of the elderly to sit there knowing it's done and all that's left is dying, if they're still conscious of it. The way that feeling comes along, and the other BS that comes with it is awful.
What I'm getting at though, is sitting there, caring for someone, being alone, if so, should be terrifying to you, and to us as a culture. I don't know what the answer is, would I go back and help my father after my mother died or should I have just left, found somewhere fun and lived my life, in peace, away from it all.
I don't know, but now I have a terminable disease, treatable to a point, and I'm still not free of my father.
Or if it is your mother who is experiencing this, I am sorry. Perhaps she can get medication for her depression.