I've been visiting with the mother of one of my best friends who died this past spring due to cancer. I'm still in shock or disbelief I guess. I know how much it hurts me. I can only imagine what his mother is going through. Her grief is palpable. We share our feelings about him, the unfairness, the loss.....and are planning to visit his grave soon. I thought this would get easier, but, I'm still hurting and so is she......I'm not sure she's going to get through this.
Maybe even questioning if you played a part in their death such as....letting them eat too many hotdogs when younger (processed food)? What if it was some kind of chemicals in vaccines that you let them get? The xrays a woman has years before she’s even conceived (all unfertilized eggs are present at birth). All kinds of crazy thoughts that NO one who has gone through this would ever consider!
It takes a lot of time to work through the loss of a child. Most mothers would die for their child in an instant & we loved them before they were even born. When a child dies, we bury them quickly, but our dreams & hopes also have to be put at rest. And of course our love for them is still very much alive & real, and will be for the rest of our lives!
Do you know her sons’ favorite food, or movies he especially liked, magazines, etc.? Every once in a while take your friend something that her son really liked or watch a favorite movies together. My sister knows my son loved Charlie Brown and she’ll bring me little Peanuts Gang Happy Meal toys, candy tins, stuffed figures, a drinking glass. It means the world to me & she doesn’t have to make a speech or even mention why she’s giving it to me.
I believe that any time you have lost someone even though it hurts it helps to talk about them and say their name. After all, they live on in our hearts forever. Let’s cherish the happy memories.
She always managed to get things done no matter what chaos was going on. Very rarely did my mom show tears. She has to be very upset to cry. I think that is would be devastating for my mom to totally lose it. She may see that as a failure or lack of control.
Sometimes we are numb from pain and don't cry because we are in shock. It will hit us later. Sort of like an after shock.
I think my mom chose to cry privately. My friend did that when her 8 year old son was diagnosed with cancer. She would go in the shower and cry. She did not cry in front of her other kids.
My MIL(89), lost her daughter,(55), a bit over 2 years ago to a drug overdose. She does ok when distracted by things, but when she is alone and begins to think a lot she gets episodes of illness, then recovers a day later. She will never get over the loss of her daughter, and harder to take that it was something that did not have to happen. It did get better after the first year.
Hopefully after this first year it may get better for you and your friend's mother, that you will be able to carry the grief and have happy memories of your friend.
My son lost his companion of 14 years this summer. She was 56 and had two special needs children from a former marriage that he had helped raise, so now he is doing his best to be sure they get the best care and are able to accomplish all the hopes she had for them. They are moving along and I try to help as much as possible, but it is hard.
Just recently a couple my age lost their son, and I have been sending them cards and reminders that they are not alone. I know that often after the funeral and all the visiting right at that time, people are often left alone. Just be there and if you need help, ask those who have said at the time "let me know if you need anything". They often don't know what can help so ask if you need companionship or any other thing.
The best gift you can give to any bereaved parent is to speak their child’s name and ask about their child. I think what you’re doing is wonderful. The pain never goes away but softens over time. It’s been over 40 years for my parents and three years for me. Hugs and blessings to you both.
One of the phrases I cringe whenever I hear it from others and that has been echoed here several times is, "I can't imagine what you are going through." Please imagine or don't, but stop saying it. Simply, saying, "I am sorry," is a thoughtful and kind response. Another one is, "Is there anything I can do for you?" A hug is helpful too.
As I get older (67), I miss not being a grandmother or having grandchildren of his to see the generations in my family grow. Seth was my only child. I encourage people having children to have at least two. My older sister passed away, and I see how fortunate my mother (89) is to have me take care of her and all the myriad of extensive responsibilities it entails. It is critical to have an advocate as we age and I represent that for her well being. I am also acutely aware that I have no one as both husband and son passed away.
One of the books I read on grief shared how it is not something you get over like a cold or the flu. Our children will always be a part of us--the most we can hope for is to find a way to integrate the loss into our lives. I teach college math and by helping other students that were my son's age when he passed, helps me give back to them in their quest for success.
Someone aptly wrote....
Grief never ends, but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.
I don’t think it ever gets easier. You just learn to live with it.
It shouldn't happen.
You can develop coping mechanisms, but I dont believe to ever "move on" as you do from the loss of a parent or a spouse.
the fn pain never goes away .