mathisawesome Asked November 2020
Anyone else having a hard time with family and the election?
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I pretty much keep my politics to my self. I'm not one to want to fight about them. But I'm sick of being told how ashamed my mother is with me for MY choice. I'm in my 40's and I don't think I should have to answer to her about this....she let me have it on Saturday. Our relationship is not great to begin with and this is making it worse.....Can I tell her to back off? Every time I try to speak up for my self she get so mad.
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Until, in her late 70s. Then she became a Dem for some reason or other, and could think of no good Republican, bless her heart.
What I would do with your Mom is kind of turn it on her in a good way. Tell her "Mom, you raised me right. You raised me strong, and you raised me independent and able to think for myself. I can't thank you enough ever for all you did for me. But now I am thinking for myself. You know, our country is about evenly divided here, Mom. And what is wonderful is that we ALL CAME OUT and voted this time".
The other way, just say "You know, Mom, next time I am gonna think harder before I vote."
Or you know, nothing. Just say nothing. You aren't responsible for defending the party. You did your vote.
You know, I have a grandson who is much more conservative than I am. We can argue it, but always with love and affection. And I intend to untie him in the basement soon as I am certain the election is all over.
I really wish people would stop "letting people have it" just because they are on another part of the political spectrum!!! If your political opinion is offensive to someone then you have to decide what is more important to you - your opinion or the other person.
I read an article in Harper's Bazaar back in 2017 called "If You are Married to a Trump Supporter, Divorce Them". When did it become okay to make a politician more important to you than your spouse, sibling, neighbor, friend, etc.?
Let's also remember that politicians are not angels. They are charismatic, ambitious individuals who seek power and influence. You do not know them, they are not coming to your house for dinner, they don't care about you specifically, they want your vote, and they have long-range plans and goals that don't include you! Remember the wise George Carlin: "It's a big club and you ain't in it!"
The grandson....well, hopefully he'll come around so he can be untied and get out to play in the snow, soon to come...or are you in a no snow state? (Sorry, I don't remember where you are.)
Mathisawesome, I think Biden is introducing and trying hard to inspire people to talk and communicate instead of lashing out. That's a good first step, IF people listen.
Maybe redirect the conversation every time she raises the issue? You do have a right to your own opinion; we all do. Why do you think she's so angry that you have your own opinion?
Maybe you can just tell her frankly that it's not a subject for criticism, or discussion. Personally, I wonder why she feels so strongly. Does it affect her care?
The issue now is working together and healing. That is a hard hurdle and challenge for some though, just as it can be in families.
Another option is to engage Mom in depth on her beliefs, and especially why she feels that way, as well as how to work together for the betterment of family relations. Some people I think might respond "harrumph!" or groan or deny the possibility.
But we don't now what's not possible until we tried it. When I was born, I would never have considered that space travel was possible. Or that people would communicate with little devices that also could take photos. We didn't even have tv!
Another option is to figure out why this is so important to her, and address those underlying issues. Do you think she resents you b/c she's now dependent on you for care?
When I was in university I had fantastic debates with classmates with differing political views. We had friendly debates, each stating our position without slagging the other person's beliefs. I wish more people could do this. Now having said that I will not engage in any way with people who promote racism, sexism and homophobia to name a few.
You have an enshrined right to vote for the candidate you believe will best serve you. If you mother feels some else is the best person for her, she has the right to vote for that person.
But keep in mind, you do not have to stand for her abuse. If she lays into you, walk away, hang up the phone, you do not have to listen to her. Of course you can tell her to back off. If she does not stop, then you leave.
Set some boundaries. Of course she will get mad, but that is her issue not yours. Just as we give a small child having a tantrum a time out, give her a time out. Each time she starts, walk away. But keep standing up for yourself.
It was not easy.
Leave the house if you can, if you have to.
Anytime anyone brings up a topic that is a "Hot Button" issue stop it right away and do not partake in the "conversation"
And yes you can tell her to back off.
This is true for ANY issue that might be one of conflicting views IF the the other person is not going to be civil about the conversation.
DH was livid. He sent out a mass text this morning to all of our Morally Superior children and said THERE WILL BE NO POLITICS DISCUSSED IN THIS FAMILY. AND THERE WILL BE NO RESONSE TO THIS TEXT.
My mother, who lives to push my buttons, knows nothing at all about politics, just that she hates who she hates, based on nothing. She was positively giddy about the MSM's announcement the other day and told me "You have no other choice but to accept it" and then started laughing. I told her, mom, I have told you over and over and OVER AGAIN that I AM NOT going to discuss politics with you, and now I am hanging up the phone.
My son called and thought it would be a wise idea to tell me why the virus is still around, and why people are choosing to travel this holiday season. I told him, I WILL NOT DISCUSS POLITICS WITH YOU and he just went on, like I had said nothing. Which is when I ended the phone conversation with him.
Morally superior people feel like They Are Right and Everyone Else Is Wrong. There is no room for negotiation, no gray area, no nothing. And therefore, there is no talking to them.
So I'm fine with not speaking to any of these family members for a while. If they choose to respect me as a mother, daughter and human being in general, regardless of my political choices, then fine. Otherwise, they can kiss my arse.
Years ago there was a couple on TV. They were Congressmen or one was a lobbyist, can't remember. But one was a Dem and the other a Reb. When asked how that worked being married they said when the walked in the door at home they never discussed politics. That worked for them.
So my answer, if you don't tell her then she doesn't know.
One thing that jumped off the page for me was where you said in a response that you did not want to be your mother’s clone. Good for you!
I have two daughters that I raised to be independent thinkers. I don’t have any desire for my daughters to be a ‘clone’ of myself. I am so very proud of them for being themselves.
If I were your mom I would be super proud of you for forming your own thoughts and having your own ideas. It doesn’t matter what side of the isle you’re on. Everyone deserves to be respected.
All of us are entitled to our own opinions. None of us has to be preachy about politics or religion. It can be unnerving to be around people like that.
Some people choose not to discuss politics or religion and that’s their prerogative. We can voice our opinions privately with our vote.
When my daughters were young they always spoke openly to me. I made a point to listen to their views. They speak to me now as adults. I am interested in the way they see the world.
I am so sorry that you have had to restrict your relationship with your mother. Speak to others that you are comfortable with about political issues.
My sweet grandmother played early jazz music when I was a child. My grandfather had a love for classical music and loved to waltz.
Grandma made a point to teach me that during her lifetime they had to fight for the right to vote. Jazz was regarded as rebellious back then.
Grandma loved the ‘roaring twenties’ where women voted, bobbed their hair, shortened their hemlines, and listened to lively jazz! I so enjoyed learning about these things from my grandmother.
My mom wasn’t always understanding but I learned to break the cycle with my daughters.
My daughters have often thanked me for allowing them to voice their opinions. We listen to each other. We do have similar viewpoints on most things.
I have friends with opposing views. We are respectful of each other and find common ground in some areas. No one agrees on every topic. It is nice to live in harmony.
Take care. Wishing you all the best.
" it helps to be a little deaf"
Saying the whole "Devil's Advocate" thing makes me remember a recent tic on Forum where it was claimed I am a practicing witch and said I was. Perhaps someone didn't know what a Devil's Advocate is and thought it is a Witch. Makes an odd sense. But it's a catholic thing, the DA. I love the concept. Reminds me of speech and debate where Mr. Tarpley let us pick our side and defend, but then made us take the OTHER side and defend IT. I loved that class and likely never got over it.
We pointed out that we have a lot of other things to chat about and for the sake of our relationships these two areas need to be off limits (and that includes snide, sarcastic comments on the side as well ;) )
For the MOST PART it works, but not always. lol
For myself, when those topics come up, I put a nice smile on my face (or use my mask to hide a crappy look!!) and I do not respond or engage. If it continues, I change the subject very sharply, "Gee, the kids said they finished up their wedding registry today, Do you remember your favorite wedding gift mom?"
I have not had to leave the room yet, but that is also a technique that I will employ if needed.
Hugs to you, it's hard enough to disagree on politics, but right now it's so much worse because it is all so divisive, and then things that are not political are being turned political and then those topics get divisive as well *sigh*
We should respect other’s wishes if they are not interested in a discussion about politics. It will only lead to hard feelings and arguments. Not worth it. Speak to those that enjoy talking about politics if you like to chat about it.
The most important thing is to use your voice to vote. The first thing I say if someone complains to me about this or that is, ‘Did you vote?’ If they say, ‘No, I didn’t.’ Then I quickly say, ‘Then don’t complain.’
You all are mom and daughter, which is so much MORE than politics or anything of this world. These are little things. (petty things)
Just don't argue with her.
The thing that always kills me when these political topics come up is that they believe they're merely having a discussion.
There is more to life than politics.
It isn’t anyone else’s business. Good for you! Creative answer.
We are a divided extended family though, that have always got along in this area.
So, not much excitement.
I'm glad people are being mostly civil. Waiting to exhale and all that.
Good luck with you Mom Mathisawesome, no ones needs extra stress these days.
Your mom will never agree with your party affiliation. And it's possible you couldn't vote for hers. The ONLY way to deal with that situation is to say stop. And repeat as necessary until it really stops.
So we try to limit any political conversations because it never ends well. He brings it up, we shut it down. He made calls to ALL family members before the election and asked who each of us was voting for OR said "make sure you go vote for Trump". We all just ignored him and ignore him when he brings it up. There is zero point in arguing with him. He has no right to tell us who we should or shouldn't vote for, but he gets nasty with anyone who doesn't agree with him and it is just not worth the time or energy to listen to him. We've actually all walked out of the room in the middle of diatribes this year.
Change the subject to identification of the problems facing the US, from immigrants w/o support, to climate change, to helping people in need (including elders), and ask your family for suggestions on what they would consider potential solutions. They probably won't agree, especially on the first 2 categories mentioned, so find something easier and less likely to produce more disagreement, perhaps something like how to help those who are out of work, or methods of improving care for your elderly relatives. Or creating Victory Gardens to help not only your families but those in need.
Just get them off the topic of politics, and see what they can come up with. Some won't respond to this, others might, and possibly with enthusiasm since I'm sure that everyone is affected one way or another by the issues we're facing.
Some years ago a local Jewish woman created a discussion group for locals to discuss religion, learn more about each others' beliefs, and discuss how they could work together for the good of local people in need, religion notwithstanding. This was significant b/c my area has several large Jewish and Muslim communities, sometimes with social gathering buildings right next to each other. Thus far there hasn't been friction, to my knowledge, and I'd like to think that reach-out groups like this have helped make an impact.
Despite mountains of negativity, there are always some ways to find paths. I think of our political problems now though as akin to Mt. Everest, but some do overcome the immense challenges and summit it successfully.
I applaud her for taking this initiative, and steering contested issues away from the political arena and into a more positive venue.
Caveat: it's definitely not my intent to sound "preachy", or critical, or like a know-it-all, but as stated in the responses, there are definitely others ways of dealing with these challenges than the "head on" approach.