My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer and through the journey to get to treatment her health has been rapidly declining.
I am 22 and her only child, I left out-of-state school to come to take care of her after a traumatic experience of my own. I take her to daily radiation treatments, chemo, and do all the physical labor as well as maintaining her strict medications and more. All while still trying to still complete some classes and have a part time job. The issue is all together NO SUPPORT. My grandma will put blocks to me getting my own car but also demand I not use her car for anything personal for me like work, food/groceries, or my actual urgent appointments. It is honestly killing me and I wish I could take my mom and run. It would be easier being on my own doing this with her than maintaining this third ridiculous element. I dont trust her under my grandmas care full time, bevause I know something isnt being cared for . While I am trying to figure out how can this exist for 4+, 5+ years hopefully if my mom responds well because I can't live under this reality forever. I believe people already expect my mother's passing and my family is ultimately telling me that my life doesn't matter till after and they cant consider me in the equation of sacrifices.
Her 74-year-old mother who we have to live with at the moment because my mom's main hospital where she receives care is in a state we both moved out of. My grandma is honestly a classic narcissist who always has something that she is more "busy with or finds more important." Like throwing temper tantrums over her nonessential appointments while I cant get to things like physical therapy, or demanding money from my mom to use on random house things and no groceries while I never even ask for help when my account is overdrawn. She doesnt cook either and only grocery shops for the dogs. It is also the worst Deja Vu possible because my mother had BRACA-1 Breast cancer when I was 10 years old and we had to live with my grandma again, I remember she gave my mom hell to "get over it" because "been there done that" Now she can't announce that cancer isn't a big deal and has ultimately picked to tell me my stuff is now "not the big deal." I am more than always sure it her undiagnosed a mental issue but still.....
It feels like they have it out for me and I have no way out. I think my therapist is even confused on options
https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method
I’m guessing by the ages in your post that your mom is younger than me. I would want my daughter to return to school and live her life. Are there any other adults in the family? Do you have a dad in the picture? These are all rhetorical questions, I’m just trying to think of solutions where you can still care for and care about your mom without giving up your education and your future.
Hopefully, other experienced forum members will weigh in soon. I wish you the best.
You say you are doing it all.
Then it is time for you to LEAVE now.
Give the grandmother notice that you will be leaving, and get back to your education.
You tell us that your grandmother is "putting blocks to getting your own car". I am sorry, but that isn't possible. You can buy a car any time you have the money or the credit to do so. Your grandmother has nothing to do with it. You are a grownup now.
This is your mom's second bout with cancer. It sadly sounds as though there is a lot of denial, and I cannot make out if it is HER denial or YOUR denial, or the denial of all three of you. The statistics regarding stage IV pancreatic cancer are clearly deliniated online.
The three of you in one household is not working out. As this is the home of your grandmother, and your mother chooses to stay there, then I think that grandmother and mother should be managing her care. If you are able to look in and help I suggest you do that. This is causing a stew in which the ingredients are not blending well.
I am so sorry for what your mother is facing down. And the loss of her at your young age must be quite terrifying. But I suspect, living in a household where you and your grandmother are bickering over the car is going to do ZERO to help your mother.
Please return to your young life. Being a caregiver robs you of your ability to be a daughter. It is almost impossible to accomplish both. Be a support to visit and to listen to your mom. But return now to your life, your education and your job. That is more than enough for a 22 year old to handle.
Your grandmom has u over a barrel. You need to find a way to get out of there.
Buy your own car.
Keep your job. Continue your education.
I read your detailed biography. I think you need to get "people in your corner" in this process. This forum is one source of people in your corner!
Also a social worker who can advise you, and maybe psychologist/ therapist to help you through it all.
One more thing - Your Mom has advanced cancer and might have more and more hands on care needs. You mention that you have partially handicapped hands. Will you actually be able to manage increasing hands on care? You may soon be needing to get professional help with hands on care one way or another.
She's using you. My sympathies for that. Please find a way to move out. Leave mom with grandma and let them sort it out. You are conscientious to take care of your mom, but you're only 22 and deserve a life.
if you need to use your grandmother’s car, tell her you will leave her to care for your mother 100% if you cannot count on this modicum of support from her. It is the very least she can do for you.
Play her game.
Try reading any of the "boundary books" by Townsend and Cloud with your mom. Together, develop strategies to deal with your grandma's problem behaviors. If need be, use time with your counsellor to work out this plan and get support as you put it into place.
Please go back to school. Finish your education. Let them figure this out.
Yes, you need to connect with a social worker/case worker at the facility where your Mom is getting treatment.
Investigate the resources that could be available to you ie:
rides to med appts, cnas for at home, hospice?, grocery, meal help, etc.
Detach from the idea that your grandmother will contribute anything positive to the situation, treat her like a landlord as someone else said and don't engage in any power struggles.
I know money is tight/nonexistent when you're in school, but I personally would look into an inexpensive car lease so you don't have to come up with the money upfront and have access to reliable transportation.
I applaud your devotion/commitment to your mother, it's an enormous sacrifice.
I don't really agree with others who said just leave and go back to school, it's not that simple?
I wonder if maintaining classes right now is too much? IE: maybe prioritizing work and caregiving is enough at this time? Only you know if it's helping you or burdening you but school is ALWAYS there when you're ready.
The more I'm typing this, the more I'm thinking about Hospice. My mom is in a nursing home and she's being overseen by Hospice. There are 2 Hospice options - 1) 6 months or less to live and 2) ongoing care when you meet certain criteria. I would heavily look into this. If you can get some aids in to help with bathing, bed baths and other things like that, even if it's a few times a week, it will help.
Don't forget grocery delivery. Take advantage of a slow cooker for easy meals.
I'm sending a lot of love - you've been in this situation with your Mom before and here are you are again and it's not fair. It's not forever, though, and you will break through the chains before you know it.
And if/when your Mom passes, please do everything in your power to go BACK to your home state and get away from your grandmother. Never put yourself in a position to be exploited as your grandmother's caregiver, NEVER NEVER NEVER. Sending love.
Id actually delegate the caregiving to your grandmother to care for her daughter. Help where you can.