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Your immediate family takes priority over your parents. Your parents had their entire lives to plan for their declining years and apparently have "assumed" their care on to you. You will eventually be completely overwhelmed and burnt out so you must come to peace with the fact that they must age someplace else. If they stay it will severely impact your marriage -- it's not fair to your husband. This isn't what he signed up for. It takes away your time, attention and drains your energy that should be going towards your kids. The longer they stay with you the harder it will be to transition them. In a care community they will be with others that they have much in common with. They are from a generation that is terrified of "nursing homes". Maybe visit some nice, local Independent Living communities and take your own pictures and show them. They may be totally surprised at how nice they are. I wish you courage in doing what you know you must do. Be diplomatic and wise when having this conversation with them. Have your husband with you at your side when you do. Your parents WON'T like moving out at all so be prepared for their shock, disappointment and resentment, but don't let it sway you. They WILL get over it at some point after they move. You must let them know you can't do it anymore but that it doesn't mean you don't love them. Good luck!
I don't know how long your parents have been living with you as well as you being their only caregiver but, if you are already being driven crazy, your husband is annoyed and the kids aren't happy - it will only get worse and you need to make a change much sooner than later.
I'm an only child and when I could no longer take care of my mom in her home after ten years along with my own home and my husband, as well as trying every other alternative I could think of, I had to start looking for an assisted living facility. After I toured some of them on my own and then when my husband wasn't at work and he could come, I narrowed it down to two. At that point, I took my mom and asked one of her close friends to come along and showed her each one. That way a seed was planted and she could see what the environment looked like as well as get a sense of the people. This made it much easier for her to not fight the decision. Also, I made sure that I was enthusiastic in my approach with her as soon as I pulled into the parking lot. I would say things like "mom, look they have a beautiful garden in the courtyard" knowing she loved plants and flowers.
Either way, I sense you are already burned out and that alone will affect your husband and kids. As the old saying goes "if mom isn't happy, the rest of the family isn't happy"! I wish all of you nothing but the best and hope you will provide us with an update as to how you decided to handle the situation!
Enlist the help of those places you decide would appeal to the parents too. Often they will provide a free meal along with the tour. Perhaps they can also enlist some residents who are similar in age and interests to come along for part of the tour and engage with them. If/when we ever get back to some kind of normal, find out what their activity schedule is and see if they can join in these, to show them how it ISN'T like the NH of old!
Despite AL being in mom's own plans, when dementia kicked in, no WAY was she ever going to consider one of THOSE places! LOL. Interestingly the open house we attended (they had torn down the old, really old buildings, and started over) AND at the individual tour we did with her later she was showing a like for the place. Her only comment was 'who will pay for it?' I went with the VA (we should have been able to get some funding, but the people I worked with sent the old forms, and it was rejected - had too much on my plate to do it all over), so she seemed interested, but by the time we got her home, she'd forgotten why we were even there! In her case, due to the dementia, we had to "trick" her... Unless needed, I won't bother with the details, but she clearly wasn't going to consider moving anywhere, the EC atty told us we couldn't force her and suggested guardianship, and the facility we chose wouldn't do committals, so some little white lies to get the deed done!
So definitely check out all options - basing everything on their ability to pay too. Apartments, IL/AL, senior facilities, whatever is out there and then work on getting them to move! Clearly this scenario is a mess and needs to be changed.
Totally agree with all that has been said here. Remember also that you are not alone in your family in dealing with this problem. I’m sure your husband and children will help you to sort out alternative AL for your parents, as they will all benefit from seeing them move out of your home! I would suggest you go somewhere private with your husband and children, talk about the problem and how you’d like to resolve it, then break this down into manageable steps towards the end goal. You can then ask them to take on some of these steps for you, whatever is appropriate for them, so that you are not over burdened on your own, and can work as a team. As far as discussing this with your parents, it’s helpful to rehearse what you want to say, to avoid becoming overly emotional. Stay firm about saying what you need to say, even if faced with an angry or other negative response, and have your husband with you when you approach them, to back up your message and to support you. As soon as your husband and children see that you are absolutely committed to getting them out of your home and into AL, I think you will find they’ll be really helpful in making it happen. The hardest part is having the initial talk with your parents. When you have done this the burden will probably start to feel lighter straight away. Good luck and stay firm about your end goal!
There’s a part of me that wants to say “honesty is the beat policy”. They are clever, I’m sure. They will know it’s hard for everyone and that their being there is a strain. They must understand this as they were your age once.
I would like to say, tell them you understand it is hard for them and that it’s hard for everyone. To save falling out maybe other arrangements can be made which would mean everyone can keep or have a good relationship. Spin the angle that you don’t want to compromise their relationship.
I realise that caregiving is tough and you get burn out soon. It is a tough decision to make. Are there any ways that you and your hubby and kids can sit down and discuss it first before you then tell them what the family thinks and if there was a way they could change if they wanted a peaceful home. There may be hurt feelings or put a strain on all the relationships. Otherwise the situation will not improve or could lead to further breakdown. Its a bit difficult for adults to change their behaviour, but sometimes counselling helps. With the pandemic, many people have lost jobs and income and have now moved back to the family home, so people now have to adapt to everyone trying to get along with each other in one place.
It is such a monumental decision to allow the parents to move in with your family. I don't think I would ever do it. It's too disruptive, everyone loses their privacy, you're basically on call 24/7...it's not a good move. I assume that all other options were taken into consideration before they moved in? Were they unable to afford assisted living? You don't mention what their issues are....physically disabled? mentally disabled? Try hard to find another solution.....for everyone's sake.
Find a senior community apartment for them and get home care. You need peace in your home for your family. Its not fair to you, your husband or your children. You can see them as often as you want. With senior community activities they may be very happy and meet some friends.
At the point where i need to do the same, find a senior community apartment, my mom lives 2 houses over from me but the responsibility and expense of her home are becoming a bit much for her, also a strain on my time, I still have to work, part time but still it's a stress I did not bargain for. You and your kids needs a break, suffering hurts everyone. The sooner your parents have their own space the better.
If they can live by themselves, use both their SS checks to rent them an apartment for Seniors and not live with you.
If they have to live with you, check with Free Senior Services where they can spend their daytime, several hours a day at a Senior place offering lunch and activities.
Without some of the questions CTTN55 listed answered it’s hard to speak to your specific situation but I like Chriscat83’s suggestion that you start by having a private family meeting with your husband and kids. If nothing else it will give you a good idea about any suggestions your parents might make to change things working or not but I’m guessing it will help your family unit relationship and give you the strength of resolve going into a conversation with your parents that you aren’t alone and you have support as well as giving them confidence that their needs are seen, heard and important to you. It’s tough being the primary person in the middle of this situation, torn between the people you love.
Then armed with the facts, ideas and energy that family meeting gives you you or you and your husband (I would probably leave the kids out of it unless they are adults and your parents happen to be especially close or reliant on one) depending on the personalities and how that relationship is, sit down with your parents. Maybe your best approach will simply be to say as much as we all wanted it too and thought it would I can see this arrangement isn’t working out for you. I should have known it would be hard moving into even my house after running your own household for 40 years and raising your own family....what are your thoughts Mom and Dad? Then be quiet see what they say. Make it about what’s best for them not what’s wrong with them, of course if they don’t bite or see it at all and you have to go there, then about what’s best for your family. I would minimize the affect on your husband if possible, that just isn’t where you want or need to go and doesn’t seem fair to him coming from you. But the affects on your kids, your relationship with them as well as the affect on you and your relationship with Mom and Dad. This may take several conversations, I know topics this big do with my mom, it’s a process and we have learned some patience, allowing her brain time to process things makes a big difference in her ability to participate and accept change.
Most importantly Buttons please remember that this not working out is not in any way your failure or fault, things change and sometimes things we think will work out simply don’t, it’s not anyone’s fault and even if it is placing blame helps no one but especially you may have attendance to feel guilty and I urge you to remember you have NOTHING to feel guilty about here. You tried and maybe were successful for a while to create a multi generational household, it isn’t working for everyone so it’s time to go on to plan B, it’s life and life doesn’t always work out the way we planned, you feeling responsible for things not working only serves to make all of this harder on everyone since they are all affected by your emotions and demeanor here. Positive energy like Nobodygetsit describes is such a powerful tool. Good luck, just recognizing something needs to change...you are doing a great job!
More info maybe? Ages Health Financial status medical insurance ? Howdid they end up homeless.. Are they able to notice the family is annoyed. . Ppretty sure there's only one conversation to be had;. Nusing home Residential home
Any other family.
I would just die if my aging parents didn't have a home! Surely you feel caught in the middle but like 1st answer said, Your immed family comes first! GOODLUCK
We have a very similar situation but with only parent so I can't even imagine dealing with 2 of them. Our first mistake was having her move in with us but at the time it seemed like the only option as she has little to no money and could not afford any AL. What are there issues ? Is it something you can even deal with or do they need more monitored care. We are in the process of trying to get ours in to a Skilled Nursing facility or memory care unit but with all this COVID etc. it's been slow going and not happening, No one has really been able to assist us and since she refuses to leave the house we can't have her see her Dr. We tried threatening her with calling 911 but it doesn't seem to phase her. Good Luck
Maine127, You can get a Nurse to come to your house to do Nursing Assessment... needed in lieu of 3 day hospital stay. Then give it to Nursing Home admissions to see if they can accept her. Make copies so you can give it to more than one place...tour a place & ask residents how they like it. Is it clean? Does the place smell clean? Good luck & hugs 🤗
Why are your parents living with you? Are they living in your home or are you and your family living in their home. Do they have an adequate income? Are you paying for everything for them?What resources are or are not available to them or to you.? Why can they not live in an assisted living facility near you where you could visit them daily or weekly?Why must they live with you? ? I am 86 and i am planning, hoping , and praying to never live with anyone nor to have anyone living with me. I hire people to help me when I need help. I have long term care insurance just in case I become disabled.I hve preciouds friends I hope would visit me frequently if I ever had to move to assisted living. Again I must ask,why are you parents living withyou; and are they in your home or their home. Who is paying for everything? Why do they live with you?
Just as an aside--check the coverage details on your long-term care insurance. They will not pay the full bill for all the years you need it. If they did that with everyone, they'd go broke, wouldn't they? Usually they cover a certain percent of the monthly fee of the care, for about 3 years. If you want more coverage, you have to pay more in premiums. You'd be surprised how many people just assume their long-term care is completely covered for life.
Time for a pow-wow with your kids and husband. There are obviously MANY feelings swirling around in the air that need to be expressed AND taken to heart so that you can hopefully begin to understand the complexity of their feelings and they can see just how hard it is for you because now you are trying to be BOTH dutiful daughter to your parents AND loving, devoted mom and wife. Get it out in the air and let them express themselves...they need to feel like their feelings are important and you don’t want resentments to take over your family. Hopefully, something good will come out of your interaction(s) with your husband and children and then you can bring your parents into the conversation in an attempt to restructure your living all together so that EVERYONE is happier ( even you) and NO ONE feels left out. It’s going to take some effort but it sounds like the effort is needed. Best of luck to you and your family. These are difficult times we are living in and these inter-relational, multi-generational challenges only add to life’s many pressures BUT, as families, we have to keep moving forward with the understanding that we’re all in this TOGETHER.
Very well said "marilou55" - no discussions = no resolutions!
@Buttons1mbc - Also, with this many people's feelings involved there will need to be a lot of give and take on each one's part. No one person is going to be able to have it all their way or it won't work.
Have you considered senior daycare? In my City there is a program where they pick seniors up on a van and keep them occupied with healthy activities all day and then deliver them back at home for dinner and bed. This program, Palmetto Senior Care, also provides their healthcare so additional doctors visits aren't something you have to take time away from work for. They will come home happy and tired from their busy day, it makes them feel wanted and engaged. This might at the very least provide a positive outlet for them and allow your family to have some time without them. You would then just have to be concerned with nights and weekends.
The situation will only get worse. They are comfortable having you do it all it seems. And no one can do that. Trust me I tried with just one parent. I was growing more depressed, irritated, resentful and just plain tired with every passing day. Mainly because my 93 year old mother couldn't even utter a "thank you" when I brought home all the food/lotions/potions she wanted. A thankless job. Your parents will continue to decline taking you down with them. Get help now - a daily senior care, respite care, or even a nursing home if they need to go on Medicaid. I'm assuming they have no funds? Or insurance? Poor planning on their part does not constitute you giving up your family and sanity. Good luck!
As several have said, more input is needed to help make reasonable suggestions. Their ages, abilities and/or disabilities (just overview so as not to be prying, such as needs wheelchair, walker, is cognitively challenged, etc), some idea as to whether they can afford other housing options (senior apartments, IL/AL, etc) - we can offer suggestions, but some may not be appropriate or feasible, in which case other helpful information (EC atty, Medicaid, etc) would be useful.
It's been 4 days since original post, with 18+ comments - OP please come back and help us help you!
They aren't going to change and your family's annoyance won't get better either. You're just going to be in the middle where both of these groups tick you off as you try to defend either side.
Do they need 24 hour care? Possibly since both parents are alive, they could live at assisted living facility. It would be easier on them with both still alive because they aren't leaving your home to live alone in a strange place. If they need more care, it may be time for a nursing home - and will be easier for the two of them because they are together.
On the other hand, if they donated to your housing financially so that both families could live together - you have an obligation and you need to have a chat with your hubby and kids.
Need more information. Husband is annoyed and kids not happy? You may need to rethink your current situation. Caring for elders can be difficult even in the best of circumstances. The care will increase and get more difficult. You have a long road ahead of you, and need to make some decisions now. Home Care, Assisted Living, are some choices, but depending on parents finances, the costs could be expensive. Please provide health status, and other pertinent information, so we can better advise you.
Sorry to see this "sandwich" generation situation that will only get worse daily. Please talk and look into senior facility for you parents. That is the best gift of love to save your family. I also want to know how you all work out, and thank you for reaching ○ut.
I have a similar problem, but in my case, my parents will eventually move into an cottage on our property when construction is complete. Maybe that isn't far enough away, but it's better than in our house.
If your parents can't go somewhere else then a family meeting is probably in order. First, sit down with your husband to get on the same page and then include the kids. If you think anything constructive comes out of that you might invite your parents to a meeting about setting boundaries and rules.
The thing is your husband has feelings. Your kids have feelings. You have feelings. You have feelings about each others' feelings. Most of you probably have conflicting feelings. Some of those feelings are probably being ignored. It's not only important to acknowledge the feelings, it's important to use those feelings as a way of figuring out what you want from the situation. Then you have to tell your parents about their role in making that happen and make it an expectation that you intend to hold them to.
My husband said something last week about how my parents had turned his life upside down. I told him that I absolutely understand why he feels that way, because my life has been turned upside down too. And now I also get to deal with the fact my husband feels like his life has been ruined by this "package deal." He hadn't thought about what it meant to me when he said things like that. He admitted he was just venting and we had a good conversation that re-centered us on the purpose of all of this.
That's my experience. Maybe your family doesn't work like that, but just talking about what's going on seems to help us.
I have said it over and over again. Not everyone is suited to be a caretaker. And children who care for their aging parents must face one fact and then decide the next step. If taking care of the parents, for whatever reason, is impacting the remaining family negatively and causing problems, then the family must take appropriate action before the family is destroyed - and that might be getting them caretakers - away from you and your family - or placing them somewhere safe where they will be cared for. They won't be here forever but hopefully your family will be. Think of your family and you first - ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE DIFFICULT. DO NOT ALLOW THAT OR TOLERATE THAT BEHAVIOR.
Imho, I would need more information before I make any suggestions, e.g. "husband is annoyed" - what is he saying or doing?, "kids aren't happy anymore" - how old are the kids?, how old are your parents? This family dynamic may have to be amended as you go forward, especially since it already appears to be faltering. With both parents living with you, irregardless of their ages which is an unknown to me, that is going to be a challenge even in the most perfect of family units.
The only benefit to Covid is the increase in availability of grocery and household deliveries/curbside. We have not been in an actual store since March and we can get everything we need. Maybe that makes it easier for elderly to live on their own longer. Also technology like Alexa and cameras may help keep an eye on them and give you some peace of mind. Obviously this will depend on their current level of functionality. Good luck!
Difficult personalities are always hard to have around 24/7. If your parents presence is negatively impacting the entire family, it may be time to find other living/caring arrangements for them.
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I don't know how long your parents have been living with you as well as you being their only caregiver but, if you are already being driven crazy, your husband is annoyed and the kids aren't happy - it will only get worse and you need to make a change much sooner than later.
I'm an only child and when I could no longer take care of my mom in her home after ten years along with my own home and my husband, as well as trying every other alternative I could think of, I had to start looking for an assisted living facility. After I toured some of them on my own and then when my husband wasn't at work and he could come, I narrowed it down to two. At that point, I took my mom and asked one of her close friends to come along and showed her each one. That way a seed was planted and she could see what the environment looked like as well as get a sense of the people. This made it much easier for her to not fight the decision. Also, I made sure that I was enthusiastic in my approach with her as soon as I pulled into the parking lot. I would say things like "mom, look they have a beautiful garden in the courtyard" knowing she loved plants and flowers.
Either way, I sense you are already burned out and that alone will affect your husband and kids. As the old saying goes "if mom isn't happy, the rest of the family isn't happy"! I wish all of you nothing but the best and hope you will provide us with an update as to how you decided to handle the situation!
Despite AL being in mom's own plans, when dementia kicked in, no WAY was she ever going to consider one of THOSE places! LOL. Interestingly the open house we attended (they had torn down the old, really old buildings, and started over) AND at the individual tour we did with her later she was showing a like for the place. Her only comment was 'who will pay for it?' I went with the VA (we should have been able to get some funding, but the people I worked with sent the old forms, and it was rejected - had too much on my plate to do it all over), so she seemed interested, but by the time we got her home, she'd forgotten why we were even there! In her case, due to the dementia, we had to "trick" her... Unless needed, I won't bother with the details, but she clearly wasn't going to consider moving anywhere, the EC atty told us we couldn't force her and suggested guardianship, and the facility we chose wouldn't do committals, so some little white lies to get the deed done!
So definitely check out all options - basing everything on their ability to pay too. Apartments, IL/AL, senior facilities, whatever is out there and then work on getting them to move! Clearly this scenario is a mess and needs to be changed.
Can they afford to move into a facility? If not, can they be Medicaid-eligible?
Do you have siblings? Where are they in all of this?
I would like to say, tell them you understand it is hard for them and that it’s hard for everyone. To save falling out maybe other arrangements can be made which would mean everyone can keep or have a good relationship. Spin the angle that you don’t want to compromise their relationship.
With the pandemic, many people have lost jobs and income and have now moved back to the family home, so people now have to adapt to everyone trying to get along with each other in one place.
Good Luck.
You and your kids needs a break, suffering hurts everyone. The sooner your parents have their own space the better.
If they have to live with you, check with Free Senior Services where they can spend their daytime, several hours a day at a Senior place offering lunch and activities.
Hire a Caregiver once a week to give you a break.
Then armed with the facts, ideas and energy that family meeting gives you you or you and your husband (I would probably leave the kids out of it unless they are adults and your parents happen to be especially close or reliant on one) depending on the personalities and how that relationship is, sit down with your parents. Maybe your best approach will simply be to say as much as we all wanted it too and thought it would I can see this arrangement isn’t working out for you. I should have known it would be hard moving into even my house after running your own household for 40 years and raising your own family....what are your thoughts Mom and Dad? Then be quiet see what they say. Make it about what’s best for them not what’s wrong with them, of course if they don’t bite or see it at all and you have to go there, then about what’s best for your family. I would minimize the affect on your husband if possible, that just isn’t where you want or need to go and doesn’t seem fair to him coming from you. But the affects on your kids, your relationship with them as well as the affect on you and your relationship with Mom and Dad. This may take several conversations, I know topics this big do with my mom, it’s a process and we have learned some patience, allowing her brain time to process things makes a big difference in her ability to participate and accept change.
Most importantly Buttons please remember that this not working out is not in any way your failure or fault, things change and sometimes things we think will work out simply don’t, it’s not anyone’s fault and even if it is placing blame helps no one but especially you may have attendance to feel guilty and I urge you to remember you have NOTHING to feel guilty about here. You tried and maybe were successful for a while to create a multi generational household, it isn’t working for everyone so it’s time to go on to plan B, it’s life and life doesn’t always work out the way we planned, you feeling responsible for things not working only serves to make all of this harder on everyone since they are all affected by your emotions and demeanor here. Positive energy like Nobodygetsit describes is such a powerful tool. Good luck, just recognizing something needs to change...you are doing a great job!
Ages
Health
Financial status
medical insurance ?
Howdid they end up homeless..
Are they able to notice the family is annoyed. .
Ppretty sure there's only one conversation to be had;.
Nusing home
Residential home
Any other family.
I would just die if my aging parents didn't have a home!
Surely you feel caught in the middle but like 1st answer said,
Your immed family comes first!
GOODLUCK
needed in lieu of 3 day hospital stay. Then give it to Nursing Home admissions to see if they can accept her. Make copies so you can give it to more than one place...tour a place & ask residents how they like it. Is it clean? Does the place smell clean? Good luck & hugs 🤗
@Buttons1mbc - Also, with this many people's feelings involved there will need to be a lot of give and take on each one's part. No one person is going to be able to have it all their way or it won't work.
Your parents will continue to decline taking you down with them. Get help now - a daily senior care, respite care, or even a nursing home if they need to go on Medicaid. I'm assuming they have no funds? Or insurance? Poor planning on their part does not constitute you giving up your family and sanity. Good luck!
It's been 4 days since original post, with 18+ comments - OP please come back and help us help you!
AL,NH,SC,..Do some research.Goodluck
Do they need 24 hour care? Possibly since both parents are alive, they could live at assisted living facility. It would be easier on them with both still alive because they aren't leaving your home to live alone in a strange place. If they need more care, it may be time for a nursing home - and will be easier for the two of them because they are together.
On the other hand, if they donated to your housing financially so that both families could live together - you have an obligation and you need to have a chat with your hubby and kids.
If your parents can't go somewhere else then a family meeting is probably in order. First, sit down with your husband to get on the same page and then include the kids. If you think anything constructive comes out of that you might invite your parents to a meeting about setting boundaries and rules.
The thing is your husband has feelings. Your kids have feelings. You have feelings. You have feelings about each others' feelings. Most of you probably have conflicting feelings. Some of those feelings are probably being ignored. It's not only important to acknowledge the feelings, it's important to use those feelings as a way of figuring out what you want from the situation. Then you have to tell your parents about their role in making that happen and make it an expectation that you intend to hold them to.
My husband said something last week about how my parents had turned his life upside down. I told him that I absolutely understand why he feels that way, because my life has been turned upside down too. And now I also get to deal with the fact my husband feels like his life has been ruined by this "package deal." He hadn't thought about what it meant to me when he said things like that. He admitted he was just venting and we had a good conversation that re-centered us on the purpose of all of this.
That's my experience. Maybe your family doesn't work like that, but just talking about what's going on seems to help us.